My Body: A Landscape of My Experience

Transcription

1 My Body: A Landscape of My Experience An Inquiry by Kay Gravell 2009 This inquiry fulfills the requirement for the Masters of Arts for Melbourne Institute of Experiential and Creative Arts Therapies.

2 Declaration The research presented in this thesis is my original work completed during 2008 and submitted in partial fulfilment of a Masters of Arts for Melbourne Institute of Experiential and Creative Arts Therapies. Signed Dated 2

3 Rumi (translated by Barks, 2004) 3

4 Acknowledgements This inquiry has been undertaken within the supportive environment of Melbourne Institute of Experiential and Creative Arts Therapy and I would like to acknowledge the assistance I have received from all the staff at MIECAT. In particular, I would like to acknowledge Jan Allen, my research group tutor, for her wisdom, encouragement and insightful intersubjective responses that helped co-create this inquiry. My fellow students in my Masters group have provided me with intersubjective responses throughout this Masters journey which has furthered my inquiry. Throughout the two years of this Masters inquiry I have been involved in a self-care group comprising: Nona Cameron, Gillian Jones Kerry Kaskamanidis and Miranda Rose This inquiry has been completed within the rich trusting intersubjective space created by this selfcare group. Often our inquiries intersected and influenced each other and the richness of the intersubjective responses ensured that the inquiry was a co-created effort. 4

5 Table of Contents 1.0 INTRODUCTION METHODOLOGY The importance of locating the inquiry within a paradigm What is a Paradigm? Different Paradigms 12 Table 1. Comparison of the Positivist and New Paradigms The Search for a new paradigm - Multi Modal Intersubjective Ontology/Epistemology Axiology: Role of Values & Ethics Focus of Research Research Design Research Methods The multimodal intersubjective as a new paradigm 22 Table 2 MIECAT Procedures of Inquiry THE INQUIRY CONCLUSION 68 REFERENCES 70 APPENDIX 1. TABLE 2 RESEARCH METHODS 73 APPENDIX 2 PHENOMENOLOGICAL DESCRIPTIONS 74 5

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7 1.0 Introduction This paper fulfills the requirement for completion of the Masters in Creative Art Therapy course undertaken at Melbourne Institute of Experiential and Creative Art Therapy (MIECAT). It outlines a qualitative inquiry using an intersubjective multimodal methodology, as developed by MIECAT, to explore several moments from my professional group facilitation practice in which I use creative art methods. I have used an emergent form of inquiry. I did not start with a preconceived topic to research, but systematically followed a series of formal procedures as laid out in the MIECAT process. By following these data collection processes it was my hope that the topic would emerge and that I would develop a new knowing about this aspect of my lived experience. Undertaking this Masters inquiry using an emergent methodology certainly provided the opportunity to practice trusting emergence. I stand at the precipice of the sheer rock wall ready to launch myself down the steep cliff face of my MASTERS THESIS! Armed with my own values and beliefs, clothed comfortably in post modern paradigms and associated theories. The MIECAT procedures providing my safety climbing tackle of ropes, D shackles and pins. My self-care team, my ever trustworthy and supportive buddies, belay me as I abseil backwards toward solid ground. I look from this high vantage point at the wonder and magnitude around me. I feel frightened and full of trepidation but also excited as I know I can do it. I m confident and sure of my topic. It resonates with my recent lived experience. I feel excited at the prospect of immersion and visualise the exhibition that will be my creative synthesis. I feel ready to leap. Then I hear the words, You must not start with a known topic. This is to be an emergent inquiry. You have to use the MIECAT process 7

8 to really explore the unknown and come to new meaning through an inquiry into three moments from your professional practice. THREE MOMENTS! What moments to choose? What if I choose the wrong ones? That lead me nowhere except to dead ends. Or worse, lead me into murky places I don t want to visit? Where to start? I feel transfixed, stuck! Rooted to the spot. Just start! I hear Jan s plea It will all lead into your life I trust you can do it. People ask me constantly What are you doing your Masters on? What is your topic? Oh its emergent I reply as they look at me blankly I ll know when I get to the end sounding more and more like Alice in Wonderland. Kay Gravell April 2008 This inquiry has occurred in the context of a rich intersubjective space, comprising my fellow selfcare group members, Nona Cameron, Kerry Kaskamanidis, Gillian Jones, and Miranda Rose, as well as my research tutor Jan Allen. The concept of intersubjectivity was defined by the phenomenologist Husserl as consciousness beyond the level of the individual in which all human beings are united by a common framework of consciousness (Husserl 1936 cited in Hanna, 1996, p. 25). The intersubjective field is defined by Stern, (2004) as the domain of feelings, thoughts and knowledge shared by two or more people. This field can be reshaped, entered or exited, enlarged or diminished, made clearer or less clear (p. 243). 8

9 The intersubjective space of my self- care group provided a safe space for sharing of feelings and new understandings. The self-care group met the action values that enable optimal intersubjective learning as outlined by Allen, (2004) collaborative enactment of openness to uncertainty and ambiguity, iterative reflexivity, a process orientation and emotional efficacy (p.20). As we companioned each other, we not only assisted each other to new meanings and understandings but also influenced each other s inquiries, as our material intersected. In this inquiry I will explore the topic while in a state of embodied experience. By openly acknowledging my role as an actor in my own life production (Gray 2003:265 cited in Humphreys 2005: 840) I hope to use my own personal narrative of my experience to bring an authenticity to the process of self discovery and meaning making. From this personal experience I hope to learn not only about my own experience and develop new understanding of how I can be in the world, but also contribute to a broader body of knowledge, that others may find useful in their own search for meaning. My breakthrough as to how to start writing about my inquiry journey came when I attend a workshop on autoethnography given by Carolyn Ellis and Arthur Bochner at Latrobe University September I had previously read some of their work in which they stress the importance of capturing personal experience as central to the research method. However until attending this workshop, I had not grasped the importance of crafting a story that evokes an emotional response as the key to this form of inquiry. This personal narrative approach, which connects the personal with the cultural, has arisen from the questioning of master narratives or generalisable objective truths promulgated by poststructuralist and postmodernist writers such as Barthes (1977), Derrida (1978) and Foucault (1970). Under the rubric of autoethnography, Ellis and Bochner (2003) have further developed and strongly defended the validity of this personal or evocative narrative approach to research. In contrast with the more traditional social sciences, the autoethnographic approach as articulated by Ellis and Bochner (2003) emphasizes the personal narrative of the researcher, uses a more literary form of storytelling, focuses on depthing the individual s emotional experience and provides space for interpretation by the reader. Evocative stories activate subjectivity and compel emotional response. They long to be used rather than analysed; to be told and retold rather than theorized and settled; to offer lessons for further conversation rather than undebatable conclusions; and to substitute the companionship of intimate detail for the loneliness of abstracted facts. Ellis and Bochner, 2003, p.744 The launching point for this inquiry is a moment that arose from my creative arts therapy group at the Women s House of the Sacred Heart Mission. This inquiry is centred on my own lived experience and I have made a commitment to be courageous in my journey; a journey that I am embarking on without a compass or map but with confidence in the tools and processes offered 9

10 by MIECAT. I will dare to be vulnerable to confront things about myself that may not be flattering; to bring my hidden self into the light. The multi modal approach that I will use will incorporate all my senses my body, movement, feeling, in fact my whole being. I will use the self to learn about the other as encapsulated in the writing of reflexive ethnographers (Cohen 1992, Jackson, 1989 cited in Ellis and Bochner, 2003). 10

11 2.0 Methodology 2.1 The importance of locating the inquiry within a paradigm..no inquirer, we maintain, ought to go about the business of inquiry without being clear about just what paradigm informs and guides his or her approach. Guba and Lincoln, 1994, p.116 A paradigm determines the way we know our world, the theoretical framework in which we place this knowledge and the method of our inquiry. It is therefore important to ensure that the method of inquiry is congruent with the ideology and theoretical formulations. It has been established that theories and facts are interdependent and subject to the values inherent in the particular paradigm (Guba and Lincoln, 1994, p.107). I will attempt to make the value basis of my inquiry explicit. The paradigm also influences the relationship between the knower and the known. Whilst the positivists espouse a clear separation between the knower and the known the new post modern paradigms view them as indivisible. What is known is known differently by different knowers because it relies on their powers of knowing to know it. 2.2 What is a Paradigm? Paradigms are not just about ideas but also about models, myths, moods and metaphors (Oglivy, 1986, p. 48 cited in Herron and Reason, 1997, p. 274). A paradigm is an overarching set of beliefs that influence the way we perceive the world which in turn defines how we conceptualise theory and practice. At the foundation of a paradigm is a shared understanding of the nature of reality or philosophical ontology which then determines the epistemology or theory of knowledge and research methodology or form of inquiry. Paradigms emerge from the complex interactions of time, societal, technological, political and intellectual dialogue. Paradigms are not totally separate; new paradigms emerge from existing ones taking some of their characteristics, ideas and elements in their creation. This often produces significant overlap between different paradigms. Paradigms do not have clear time boundaries around them and at any one time there are several paradigms contesting for the position of dominance. The dominant paradigm provides the criteria for selecting and defining problems for inquiry, determines the practice method through the provision of laws and theories, and is transmitted through education, socialization and organisational systems. Often people are unaware of the dominant paradigm as it tends to be viewed as a taken-for-granted reality. Because it is viewed as the only reality, phenomena that do not fit into the paradigm may become invisible; they are either not perceived, rejected as being metaphysical, lying outside the boundaries of one s discipline, or as being too problematic to be worth the effort of considering (Tornebohm, 1977 cited in Mullaly, 1997). This prescription of what warrants a valid research question perpetuates the dominance of the paradigm. This can be clearly seen in the dominance of the positivist paradigm, which still largely dictates government research and program funding. 11

12 Times of major social, intellectual or technological change are usually accompanied by major paradigm shifts. This can be seen in the history of ideas through the periods of major change such as enlightenment, industrialization, modernism, technological advancement and globalisation. The current era brings together the two major changes of increasing technological advancement and globalisation. The developments in the fields of quantum physics and mathematics as well as the computer chip technology has provided the ability to look at the sub atomic world and see that it is dynamic and chaotic and cannot be explained by our previously held logical rational principles. This has resulted in the questioning of the basic foundations of the positivist paradigm. The increasing urgency of environmental concerns, particularly in relation to climate change, and the current world financial crisis, which has seen the previously solid foundations of our capitalist system crumble, is ushering in a time of questioning old assumptions and knowledge formulations and providing the opportunity for new paradigms to challenge previous orthodoxy. These social changes have had a major impact on our lived experience of the world and the manner in which we seek to make sense of it. The move from a communal to a more individualistic way of life has also influenced the move from a structuralist to the more individualistic post modern paradigm. This acknowledgement of the complexity of the world has seen a major shift away from the positivist paradigm of the modern era, which sought to explain the world through one unifying meta theory, to a more contested field of new paradigms that incorporate post positivism, post modernism, constructivism, critical theory or structuralism and participatory paradigms. 2.3 Different Paradigms There are a range of different paradigms that influence social science research today. The positivist paradigm has been dominant for over a century and still influences much of the current political and social debate, particularly in the western world. It is probably most useful to view the different paradigms on a continuum from the positivist through to the post positivist, post modern, structuralism and constructivism. Post positivism was the forerunner of the major paradigm shift away from the positivist paradigm and directly challenged the positivist ontology that we could be separated from the world. Although post positivists ascribe to the concept of one reality, they concede that it is not possible to ever capture the true reality because of the influence of the subjective. Post positivism grew out of the desire to understand the hidden experience that could not be seen and led to the legitimation of qualitative research methods based on description rather than observation and measurement. Phenomenology, with its focus on description grew out of post positivism. The new paradigms of the post modern era, which incorporate constructivism and structuralist paradigms such as feminism, challenge the foundation of the positivist and to a lesser extent the post positivist paradigms. While they differ in the emphasis they place on different concepts, they all share common features in comparison with the positivist paradigm as discussed in the literature (Lincoln and Guba, 2000; Spinelli, 1989). Table 1 provides a comparison across key concepts between the positivist and new paradigms as outlined by Lincoln and Guba,

13 Table 1. Comparison of the Positivist and New Paradigms Concept Positivist Paradigm New Paradigms Ontology Self Reality is split into an objective and subjective reality, only the objective reality can be accurately captured through measurement Possible to bracket out all subjective influence The new paradigms vary from a possible but non apprehendable reality in the post positivist paradigm to the post modern view of multiple subjective realities that are constructed as we engage with the world. It is impossible to bracket out the self and subjectivity is embraced - individual perception and experience is seen as a fundamental part of the research method. Values Research is value free Values are made explicit and in some approaches such as critical theories values drive the research process. Location of research Change Motivation Role of coresearchers Theory Formulation Research Aims Impact on researcher Focus of Research Research is located in the controlled environment of the laboratory Apolitical stance with a desire for increased knowledge for knowledge sake rather than in order to bring about social change Research participants are seen as objects of study Deductive i.e. a hypothesis is developed first which is then tested through the research process. To discover the truth or one definitive solution or rule Researcher remains neutral and untouched by research process Lived experience that cannot be measured is excluded Research is located in the world with all its complexity Research is a strategy to bring about change either in the researcher, the participants or the wider social arena this is most explicit in the critical theories such as feminism or queer theory. A participative approach is used in which co-researchers are partners in the research Inductive, a research question is formulated and explored and the theory develops from the research process as data is collected To develop understanding and meaning therefore there can be contested meanings or tellings that emerge The process of conducting the research can lead to discovery about the self/personal insight as well as discovery about the research question. Lived experience is central to the inquiry Methods Experimental and quantitative Experiential and qualitative 2.4 The Search for a new paradigm - Multi Modal Intersubjective To present an alternative paradigm is the ultimate revolutionary act Mullaly, 1997, p.20 The MIECAT form of inquiry fits within the broad category of New Paradigms as defined by Lincoln and Guba (2000). But does it fit within a particular paradigm such as participatory constructivism or can it be considered as a new paradigm in its own right? In order to answer this question the multimodal intersubjective form of inquiry will be explored in relation to the key elements that constitute a paradigm. The embodied self is a foundational element of the 13

14 MIECAT form of Inquiry and a focus of this inquiry. I have therefore used the concept of the body as a linking theme through this discussion of the multimodal intersubjective approach as a new paradigm Ontology/Epistemology Ontology (philosophy of the nature of reality) and epistemology (theory of knowledge) tend to be merged or intertwined in most post modern approaches so are discussed together in this section. The understanding of the nature of reality is a foundational element of any paradigm, and the one which most clearly delineates the shift from the dominance of the positivist paradigm to the new post modern paradigms. An integral element of the ontology of the different paradigms is the understanding and conceptualization of the body. In the pre-modern era, the period up to the seventeenth century, the world was seen as Godgiven, everyone and everything occupied a pre-ordained place in the grand scheme of things and it was believed that the truth of things would be revealed by God. The body was viewed as the site of primal desires, as inherently sinful, requiring subjugation by the authority of the rational mind. The physical body was seen as animalistic driven by natural instincts and biological behaviour. The promotion of the rational mind was what elevated humans above other animals. This period saw the development of Western philosophy that viewed man as a rational being driven by reason in which a person is viewed as having an independent mind which is separate from, and controls the physical body. This traditional conception of the person is founded on the idea of disembodied reason in which the world is seen as having an objective structure determined by universal reason that is separate from, and independent of, all bodily capacities: perception, bodily movement, feelings and emotions. Because human reason is disembodied, humans are free to decide their actions: our will can override the bodily influence of desires, feelings and emotions (Lakoff and Johnson, 1999). By the seventeenth century, the scientific revolution promoted reason, logic, rationality and systemic enquiry as the key pathways to knowing the world. The positivist paradigm was dominant during this period of modernity and encapsulated the belief that there is one external reality that can be discovered through rational investigation. By reason and systematic observation human beings can discover the true nature of things...unaffected by time and place, culture and society (Howe, 1994, p. 515). Positivists separate the objective from the subjective only the objective can be measured and therefore validated, the subjective is invalid as it cannot be observed or measured. There is a clear separation between the knower and the known. The concept of the disembodied mind was also adopted by the positivists. Nietzsche s rejection of the idea of the one truth, which can be measured and observed, in the late 19 th century ushered in the beginning of the post modern world. The body, which was largely ignored by the positivists with their emphasis on objectivity, is seen as central to some post modernist paradigms particularly feminism and queer theory. Nietzsche challenged the Cartesian and Platonism view of the mind/body duality, and with Descartes, raised the body to embodied 14

15 reason. As Johnson (1987) argues the body is in the mind and abstract meanings, reason and imagination have a bodily basis. It is this belief in the intelligence that lies within the body that underpins the intersubjective multimodal approach as developed by MIECAT. The different creative modalities are used to help tap into what the body knows. Rather than computer like rational logical entities we are complex sensorial systems with multiple intelligences that move though time and space in a dynamic interaction with the world of which we are a part. It is this rich complexity that has diminished in the modern western world through the dominance of the rationalist empirical scientific paradigm which places the logical-mathematical cognitive mind at the centre. Post modernists believe that there are multiple truths and realities. Meaning is embedded in discourse, the collective term for language, knowledge, myths and assumptions. Power operates through discourse, the meaning is defined by language which changes over time and across cultures and is shaped and formed by the dominant group. Therefore meaning and truth are relative to the context and can be used to oppress less subordinate groups. Rather than a fixed universe, the world is a buzzing, flowing, transient, arbitrary place (Howe, 1994, p. 521). Post modernists value diversity and complexity, rather than simple solutions. They are also reflexive, seeing the mutuality of influence between ideas and social situations (Payne, 1997, p. 320). Social construction of knowledge is a key foundation of the post modern paradigms. Knowledge is a human representation of reality; using ideas and words in a language of symbols guarantees it is subject to all the bias and subjectivity that is inherent in language (Payne, 1997). Ideas cannot be independent of the character, interests and social position of the people promulgating them. Therefore knowledge is a reflection of particular social forces and integral to the power construction of society. This is perhaps most clearly articulated by the feminist paradigm in its critique of the patriarchal nature of society. The multimodal intersubjective form of inquiry as developed by MIECAT sits within the postmodern paradigms in its rejection of a fixed external reality and commitment to multiple realities, however unlike structuralism and constructivism; it does not explicitly incorporate a power analysis or a call to action at a structural societal level. The influence of psychodynamic theories on the development of the MIECAT form of inquiry has resulted in a focus on the individual in terms of the discovery of new ways of being in the world that incorporates a review of values, choices and how to live, rather than a focus on explicit systemic change. It is more closely attuned to the phenomenologist view as developed by Husserl (1931 p.28 as cited in Crotty, 1996) of looking at reality itself in order to know reality. Phenomenology is the Western philosophical tradition that has most forcefully called into question the modernist assumption of a single wholly determinable objective reality. Rather than attempting to explain the world through scientific knowledge as promoted by positivists, phenomenology seeks to describe as closely as possible the way the world makes itself evident to awareness, the way things first arise in our direct, sensorial experience (Abram, 1997, p.35). 15

16 Our direct experience of living is intersubjective. My life and world are intertwined. The body is precisely my insertion in the common, or intersubjective, field of experience (Abram, 1997, p. 44). Depending on my inner world, whether I m happy, sad, sick etc. I see and experience the outside world differently. When I m happy, colours will be more vivid, sounds more musical. The real world is not a fixed object but an intertwined matrix of sensations and perceptions, a collective field of experience lived through from many different angles (Abram, 1997, p. 39). In accepting as given the subjective quality of all knowledge, the fundamental task is to uncover essential structures of reality (Gorman, 1977: 145 cited in Crotty, 1996). Unlike the positivist paradigm which separates the objective and subjective, in phenomenology the subjective and objective are bound inextricably with each other. There is no such thing as meaning that inheres in an object independently of any subject. There is only meaning for someone. This essential unity of subject and object is captured eloquently by Psathasus, Phenomenology does not divide or separate the knowing subject from the object of study in order to concentrate on one or the other. The world is not filled with objects that have appearances independent of humans who experience them, nor does subjective experience exist independently of the objects, events, and activities experienced (1973, p.74 cited in Crotty, 1996). Although Husserl acknowledged the important role of the physical body, he perpetuated the concept of the self as a transcendental ego, separate from all phenomena, including the body. Merleau-Ponty challenged this lingering assumption of a self-subsistent, disembodied, transcendental ego and identifies the experiencing self with the bodily organism. He claimed that the physical body is central to phenomenology as it is only as a body that I am visible and sensible to others. It is only through our physical bodily sense that we can experience the world and make contact with not just others but with oneself. It is the living body that offers the very possibility of reflection, of thought and of knowledge. Every understanding that we can have of the world is only possible through our bodies. The focus on multi-modality within the MIECAT approach is grounded in this understanding of the body as central to our lived experience. The body subject as Mearleau-Ponty describes it, is a creative, shape shifting entity whose boundaries are open and indeterminate, more like membranes than barriers. He posits the notion of the interdependence of humans and the world in which we exist. We can perceive things because we are a part of the sensible world that we perceive. We are organs of this world, flesh of its flesh, and the world perceives itself through us (Abram, 1997). Whenever I quiet the persistent chatter of words within my head, I find this silent or wordless dance already going on this improvised duet between my animal body and the fluid, breathing landscape that it inhabits. Abram 1997, p

17 This is the basis of the concept of intersubjectivity. As Allen, states, The embodied feeling of our selves and our experiences of the other, forms the ground of experienced intersubjectivity (Allen, J. 2004, p.16). Phenomenology challenges previous conceptions of reality through its belief that reality is located in conscious awareness; there is nothing which, in any meaningful sense, exists independently of consciousness. This is expressed by Merleau-Ponty as rather than finding consciousness in the universe, we find the universe in consciousness (1965, cited in Crotty, 1996). The multimodal intersubjective approach also ascribes to the importance of conscious awareness of embodied experience. This emphasis on consciousness and rejection of the concept of the unconscious sets this approach apart from most other psychotherapeutic approaches that have their origin in Freudian notions of the unconscious and subconscious as the site of the causes, and therefore cures, of suffering Axiology: Role of Values & Ethics Lincoln and Guba, (2000) argue that ethics are embedded within paradigms and constitute one of the basic foundational philosophical dimensions. They further contend that axiology, the branch of philosophy dealing with ethics, aesthetics and religion, has been defined out of scientific inquiry because it also concerns religion. They argue that defining religion more broadly to encompass spirituality would enable greater confluence between the different interpretivist approaches of critical theory, participatory and constructivists. The positivists argue that values have no place in scientific research, however this position is becoming increasingly tenuous as it is clear that values cannot be ignored as they feed into decisions about what constitutes a valid research question, the choice of theoretical framework, research methods and how findings will be presented. This is clearly seen in feminist research which explicitly incorporates a specific value stance that influences the choice of research question, data collection methods and the way findings are presented and promulgated. The new post modern paradigms all recognise values and ethics as intrinsic to the research design and method, although the extent to which they inform the inquiry process varies across the paradigms. The ethics and values in relation to co-researchers being actively engaged in the coconstruction of meaning, differentiates the multimodal intersubjective from other paradigms. This commitment to co-construction reflects the values around equality of power and the importance of retaining the authenticity of the co-researchers voice. It could be argued that the multimodal intersubjective approach differs from other new paradigms in the extent to which it incorporates a spiritual dimension. Whilst the constructivists and critical theorists encompass a spiritual dimension in their concern with liberation from oppression and freeing of the human spirit, they are not so concerned with the individual spiritual dimension. The multimodal intersubjective focus on being truly and mindfully present, actively listening and speaking with authenticity is embedded in heuristic research (Moustakas, 1990) and also, I believe, has strong resonance with Buddhist spiritual teachings. 17

18 Moustakas (1995) describes a three phased process of truly attuning with another. Being-In, one is totally immersed in the world of another, it is a way of going wide open, entering in as if for the first time, hearing just what is, leaving out my own thoughts, feelings, theories, biases (p.82). Being-For involves taking a stand, being on that person s side whilst being in the person s world. Whilst Being-With may include Being-In and Being-For it is distinguished in that I am always present as an individual self, with my own knowledge and experienc..there is a sense of a joint enterprise two people fully involved, struggling, searching, exploring, sharing (p. 84). The being fully present to the other, to be attuned, and listen deeply, is largely based on the work of Moustakas and forms a key element of the multimodal intersubjective approach as developed by MIECAT. I recently attended a meditation retreat based on the practice of Insight Dialogue as developed by Kramer (2007). Insight Dialogue takes the Buddha s teachings and translates them to the context of relationship, the site of most of our human suffering and pleasure. Through many years Kramer has developed a practice of developing mindfulness whilst in relationship and dialogue with others. Six instructions or principles provide the scaffolding for Insight Dialogue. They are: 1. Pause which supports mindfulness; 2. Relax let go of tension in the mind and the body to allow others in; 3. Open extend awareness to the world outside our self which opens the door to mutuality; 4. Trust Emergence focus on the observable impermanence of all experience and dive headlong into the tumbling moment; 5. Listen Deeply open the senses, heart and mind to receive this moment fully to offer the gift of presence; 6. Speak the Truth we don t say what is not useful, we speak with kindness and goodwill. This practice of Insight Dialogue shows a remarkable similarity to the multimodal intersubjective approach as developed by MIECAT. These six instructions can be seen to be reflected in the MIECAT s procedures of: 1. Attunement being mindfully present to the other; 2. Bracketing out all prior knowledge to receive the moment as if it is experienced for the first time; 3. Co-construction of meaning through entering the intersubjective space in all its complexity; 4. Listening deeply to both our inner intrasubjective world and to the other intersubjective world; 5. Speaking with authenticity and providing the gift of an intersubjective response that will assist the other s search for meaning Focus of Research According to the positivist paradigm only research that is based on data that can be measured scientifically is a valid focus of research. In contrast the multimodal intersubjective approach is consistent with phenomenology in its focus on researching lived experience. Phenomenologist bracket out our everyday perceptions and accepted understandings and focus on the experience 18

19 as it is immediately given to us before we make sense of it (Crotty, 1996) or in Merleau-Ponty s terms we make direct and primitive contact with the world, (Merleau-Ponty, 1962 cited in Crotty, 1996). The multimodal intersubjective approach also brackets out previous knowledge and assumptions in order to experience the purity of the things themselves, (Betensky, 1987), however it differentiates itself from phenomenology by bracketing in previous knowledge or inner responses at a later time in order to further deepen the research inquiry. This process of bracketing in what was previously known, provides the opportunity to identify patterns of behavior and ways of being in the world and thus offers a choice to make changes to live differently. The multimodal intersubjective form of inquiry incorporates the phenomenologist focus on immediate experience as a means of accessing new meaning. This concept of immediate experience has been further developed in the multimodal intersubjective approach through the use of Daniel Stern s concept of significant present moments. The present moment, which lasts between 1-5 seconds, is a concept that has been largely developed by Daniel Stern (2004) to capture the lived now of an experience. It allows lived experience to come to the attention of the conscious mind because it contains something out of the usual or provokes a feeling response; awareness or consciousness is a necessary condition for a present moment. The present moment is the felt experience of what happens during a short stretch of consciousness (Stern, 2004: 32). A present moment occupies the subjective now; it is the actual lived experience of the now not the recounted story of the experience and incorporates the complexity and multiple layers of now which requires being present to the experience as it is happening but also being mindful and making judgments about the experience at the same time. The present moment involves the sense of self as you are the sole experiencer of your own subjective experience. It is partly unpredictable as it unfolds; as you are in the middle of the experience you cannot know how it will turn out. The whole self is engaged in the moment which contains elements of the past and future as previous experience is brought to that moment. A present moment contains a rich source of complex information that reveals patterns of being in the world. The present moment provides a piece of concrete data that can be further built on through additional exploration. Using phenomenological questioning the researcher can assist the other to describe the present moment in great detail. Using multi modal representations to further amplify this present moment provides additional information and the capacity for an intersubjective response. Increasing data is derived through the exploration of this short lived experience of now. This data can be built on using the MIECAT form of inquiry art representations, amplification, key words, clustering, depiction to arrive at themes and finally a creative synthesis. This process can be followed through a companioning process in which new meanings are co-constructed using the present moment as the starting point or it can be used to undertake more general research into key questions related to being in the world. 19

20 Research Design The research design is influenced by the ideology, dominant theories and beliefs of the paradigm. The positivist research design is grounded in the belief that a truth can only be revealed if the right environment, that minimizes any form of contamination of objective conditions, is established. The positivist research is deductive; it is designed to test a stated hypothesis that has been developed from previous scientific knowledge. The research is conducted in a laboratory environment in an attempt to exclude all contaminants, including the values and bias of the researcher. Quantitative methods, pre and post testing, random samples and control groups are used to accurately measure changes in response to different conditions. The research is designed to ensure that any findings can be replicated and generalised to a larger population. Postmodern research, on the other hand, is characterised by a search for understanding and meaning with an acceptance of multiple contested meanings. The subjective is given prominence and the research is located in the real world with all its complexity. The research is inductive; the research question, design and theory are developed in response to the data as it is collected. The MIECAT intersubjective multimodal form of inquiry is emergent, in that the research question, data collection methods and findings emerge from the data as it is collected. However it has a clear set of structured procedures that provide the framework or scaffolding for the inquiry Research Methods The MIECAT intersubjective multimodal form of inquiry is clearly located within the cluster of new postmodern paradigms. Within these paradigms a number of different theoretical approaches and research methods have developed including heuristic research and hermeneutics. Whilst these different research methods share much in common they have developed distinguishing features (Lincoln and Guba, 2000; Moustakas, 1994; Moustakas, 1990). The multimodal intersubjective form of inquiry is similar to heuristic research in that it is grounded in experience. Heuristic research differs from other qualitative methods in the willingness of the researcher to become totally immersed in the research question and to trust the felt sense, tacit knowing and intuition to lead them to a deep understanding of the meaning of the experience (Moustakas, 1990). This is similar to Lett s (2001) concept of the verbal shadow thrown by the impressionistic inner experiencing and the felt interaction. Betensky (1987) describes two levels of experience in multimodal inquiry; the first is the production of the art representation itself and the second the experience of seeing anew the art representation as an object. The multimodal intersubjective method uses description and art representation to depict the experience, and this representation can be further explored to elicit new knowing. The descriptive approaches of phenomenology differ from the interpretivist approaches of critical theory, participatory, constructivists and hermeneutics. Giorgi (1992) argues that descriptive research has greater validity than interpretive research because it stays with the evidence as presented rather than going beyond the data; it allows multiple meanings rather than striving for one ultimate meaning and it focuses on describing what is, rather than incorporating the concept of the hidden unconscious. 20

21 The multimodal intersubjective form of inquiry initially conforms to the descriptive focus of phenomenology by bracketing out all prior knowledge, assumptions and beliefs in order to allow the phenomenon to appear in its essential nature. However knowledge and everyday understandings are then bracketed in to further refine the inquiry in reaching depictions and themes. Lett (2001) stresses the importance of the researcher tuning into their own inner experience which is then externalised through an Intrasubjective Response. This intrasubjective response can then be refined into an intersubjective response in order to progress the inquiry. This commitment to co-construction rather than interpretation distinguishes the multimodal intersubjective form of inquiry from other psychodynamic and positivist research methods. As Lett states the researcher/companion gives back the gift of his amplified resonation, as a deeply felt response, as a tentative question, as inquiry into possibility, but never interpretation (Lett, 2001, p.7). The location of research in an intersubjective field differentiates the multimodal intersubjective form of inquiry from other new paradigms. Whilst the participatory approach incorporates an intersubjective element it is not central to the research method as in the multimodal intersubjective method. Stolorow, Atwood and Brandchaft, (1994) claim that intersubjective theory, that locates human experience in a relational context, has ushered in a new paradigm. There is increasing evidence of the physiological basis to our relational imperative. Our nervous systems are constructed to be captured by the nervous systems of others, so that we can experience others as if from within their skin, as well as from within our own. A sort of direct feeling route into the other person is potentially open and we resonate with and participate in their experiences and they in ours (Stern, 2004, p. 76). Clark (2003) extends this capacity for mutuality further to include both biological and non-biological entities in his proposition that humans are tailor made for multiple merges and coalitions (cited in Allen, 2004). It is this focus on the intersubjective nature of all experience, this shared knowing, that underpins the MIECAT procedure of the intersubjective response. The intersubjective response is described as a delayed carefully formed response that holds the respondent s resonance to the material of the dialogue and is offered with the intention of enhancing the activity of making sense of things (Rumbold et al 2008, p.298). The intersubjective response utilise all modalities; the choice of modality must fit with what will best advance the co-construction of new meaning. The use of art representation in providing the intersubjective response prevents interpretation and allows the recipient to take what they need from the offer. The use of representation has been extended by post modernists in their search for a method to convey the complexity of the world, with narratives that expand the range of understanding, voice and the storied variations in human experience. As much as they are social scientists, inquirers also become storytellers, poets and playwrights experimenting with personal narratives, first person accounts, reflexive interrogations and deconstruction of the forms of tyranny embedded in representational practices ( Tierney and Lincoln, 1997, cited in Lincoln and Guba, 2000:184). The important role of art representation in the multimodal intersubjective form of 21

22 inquiry comes from the phenomenological tradition and as Lett (1993) so cogently argues the multi modal nature of art representation allows us entry to a multiplicity of meaning which may not otherwise be accessed. We experience the world through all our senses therefore creative art methods that stimulate all our senses and not just the cognitive mind will enable us to more fully experience our world in all its totality. Representation is a stew. A scrambled menu, it serves up several meanings at once. For a representation can be an image visual, verbal, or aural a narrative, a sequence of images and ideas or a product of ideology (Stimpson 1988, p. 223 cited in Lincoln and Guba, 2000, p. 184). McNiff (2007) contends that art based methods make use of a larger spectrum of creative intelligence and communications to generate important information that often feels more accurate, original and intelligent than conventional research. Multimodality can be used with any form of qualitative research. Artistic knowing can be heuristic, phenomenological, hermeneutic, imaginable, archetypal, empirical, statistical and more (McNiff, 2007, p. 30). 2.4 The multimodal intersubjective as a new paradigm The multimodal intersubjective form of inquiry as developed by MIECAT clearly fits within the cluster of postmodern paradigms. It has developed within other key paradigms, particularly phenomenology and shares many key elements with other postmodern paradigms such as constructivism. The exploration of the multimodal intersubjective form of inquiry against the different elements that constitute a paradigm highlights key points of differentiation from other paradigms. It could be argued that this form of inquiry is emerging into a separate paradigm with a developing philosophy and method. What makes the multimodal intersubjective approach as developed by MIECAT unique is its incorporation of multimodal methods in conjunction with the intersubjective co-construction of meaning. Although many of the elements of the multimodal intersubjective paradigm have been developed from a range of other paradigms and research methods, the unique application of these to form a coherent approach differentiates it from other theoretical research approaches. The multimodal intersubjective form of inquiry comprises a research method and can be adapted to inform a way of working with individuals, groups and communities to assist in the co-construction of new meaning and new ways of being in the world. Table 2 below locates the MIECAT Procedures of Inquiry within the different paradigms and theoretical approaches from which they have been developed. 22

23 Table 2 MIECAT Procedures of Inquiry The flow chart below outlines the different research stages and identifies their theoretical source. Question Formulation Heuristic Research - process can be illuminating in itself how question is worded will influence direction of research. Must be simple concrete and specific. (Moustakas, 1990) Lived experience Art Representation Phenomenology concept of bracketing out all preconceived ideas about the topic. (Betensky, 1987) Heuristic research concept of total immersion in topic (Moustakas, 1990) Art Therapy - process of art work. Multi modal representation (Lett, 1993; Betensky, 1987) Written Description Phenomenology What do you see? Precise description. Concept of horizontalisation everything is of equal importance (Giogi, 1992; Moustakas, 1994 Intrasubjective Response Intersubjective Response MIECAT Intrasubjective response of both co-researchers is bracketed in and can form basis of intersubjective response (Lett, 2001) MIECAT Intersubjective response which can be offered at any stage can be helpful at clustering stage Reduction to Key Words Empirical Phenomenology reduce to units of meaning, which are more complex than key words, these are then clustered (Moustakas, 1994) Cluster & name Key Words Depiction Heuristic Research individual depictions. (Moustakas, 1990) Art therapy includes intrasubjective into depiction (Betensky 1987) MIECAT depictions connects present with past - relates cluster to lived experience Mapping Development of Themes Creative Synthesis Phenomenology, Hermeneutics, Heuristic Research emergent themes developed into composite depiction (Moustakas, 1990, Van Manen, 1990) Heuristic Research (Moustakas, 1990) 23

24 3.0 The Inquiry If this body is my very presence in the world, if it is the body that alone enables me to enter into relations with other presences, if without these eyes, this voice, or these hands I would be unable to see, to taste, and to touch things, or to be touched by them if without this body, there would be no possibility of experience then the body itself is the true subject of experience. Abram, 1997, p. 45. This inquiry follows the multimodal intersubjective form of inquiry developed by MIECAT as outlined in the previous section. The MIECAT procedures are applied to three moments from my practice as a creative arts group facilitator to elicit data. I will use text boxes to highlight and define the different MIECAT procedures I use throughout this inquiry. The inquiry is emergent. The data is interrogated using MIECAT procedures of companioning, multimodal representation and intersubjective responses to develop further data which in turn is amplified and depthed through further multimodal representations and intersubjective responses. In accordance with the imperatives of the post modern paradigm in which this inquiry is located, I will attempt to make explicit the values that drive this inquiry. My values of ethical practice in which the full consent of other participants is obtained and harm to others and myself is minimised will inform all stages of the inquiry. The values of trusting emergence will inhibit me from having preconceived notions of where the inquiry should end and allow new meanings to emerge. The belief in the intersubjective nature of the world will allow me to recognise and utilise the wisdom contained in intersubjective responses and the co-construction of meaning. My belief in the intelligence contained in the body and the value of fully embodying my inquiry has influenced my choice of modality. Values of authenticity and honesty, even if this results in me being seen in an unflattering light, drive my inquiry. The launching point for this inquiry is a moment from my group work practice. I facilitate a weekly art group at the Sacred Heart Mission s Women s House. The women come to have a hot meal, do their washing, have a shower, participate in activities or simply to catch up with friends. The women may be homeless, street workers or isolated, many have mental health problems and abuse drugs and alcohol. The group has a fairly loose structure, sometimes I provide a planned activity and at other times the women just prefer to do their own art. I worried at the start that I really wasn t doing anything. I wasn t doing real art therapy and I didn t have the skills to teach the women art. However, now in my second year, I realise the importance of creating a safe trusting space for the women to come and paint and chat. I never know who will be there or what will happen. Sometimes it is highly conflictual and I need all my skills to keep the peace, other times it is relaxing, and at times there are magic moments that happen as the women open up and share their experiences and wisdom. 24

25 There are a number of transgender women who come to the Women s House and one regularly comes to the art group. One day while we are chatting, one of the women says to R, R that s a beautiful name what made you choose that? I didn t really choose it someone just called me it and I decided to keep it. It struck me as amazing that with all the effort to change gender to take hormones and have surgery, to change the form of your body, to undergo electrolysis and laser treatment to remove body hair, to go to speech therapy to learn to speak like a woman; to go to all this effort and then not consciously decide on the name that you want to represent the new you. Another woman asks, What do your grand kids call you? And R replies they call me gramps, you can t change too much. This seems so incongruous. A woman dressed in fishnet tights, short skirt and low cut top being called gramps. I experience a profound moment of the complexity of identity; particularly sexual and gender identity. I am fascinated with the constructs in which we place ourselves and others. During the Insight Dialogue meditation retreat we reflected on the constructs we place on others. I had a real insight into the way I had allowed my construct of an ideal partner to impact on my intimate relationships. I also realised the extent to which the constructs I created for people hindered my ability to connect with the authentic person; to really connect with the true person rather than my construct of them, whether that be as friend, partner, daughter, sister, lecturer etc. I took this significant moment to my supervision group for further exploration through a process of companioning. Below are some excerpts from the experience of being companioned by Nona. Kay: Gramps Pop it blew my mind it s about identity. It was a relaxed conversation about kids and grandkids her in her fish net stockings and mini skirt. It resonated with me a powerful moment which is also about me my own identity and not wanting to be boxed in. Gender identity can be so fixed, but fluid at the same time, and questions arose for me about effort, about being in your body. It s about what makes you YOU. The constructs people come to around identity. Nona: Who do you want to be? Kay: Someone who can be more present, someone who can allow for emergence. I feel trapped by other s expectations of who I am and who I think I should be. Companioning The MIECAT process involves exploration of a significant moment of lived experience with a companion who by being truly present assists in the co-construction of new meaning. The companion does not attempt to solve problems or impose a particular theory. With an intention of curiosity and being truly present, the companion facilitates a process using different procedures which enables the other to reexperience an aspect of their life in all its emotions and bodily sensations. Together they are then able to find out what matters, what it means, and to make choices of other possible ways of being in the world. 25

26 Multimodal Representation Each moment of our lives is experienced and understood in a multi-dimensional, multisensory way. We bring to each moment different time dimensions of past, present and future and experience each moment according to our different physiological senses of touch, taste, smell, sight and hearing. The use of multimodal art representation enables access to parts of the self that can otherwise remain locked away. I use a chair to enact a movement as a multimodal representation of my experience. I move my body through the chair, finding a sitting place on the floor with my body resting on the arm of the chair. I then place myself inside the upturned chair so that it forms a cage trapping me inside. Locked into other s expectations of who I am. What I can do. I strive to escape this constricting construct to truly express who I really am! Kay Gravell May 2008 Externalizing inner material through multimodal art representation allows the inner self to be experienced more fully and provides an opportunity for further exploration and examination that leads to new meaning and a changed perception of the sense of the self. Kay: I always saw myself in a relationship with someone else now I am seeing the possibility of this not happening being on my own it feels scary. Gill: What else does it feel like? Kay: Lonely, but I can be who I want to be. I have a real awareness now, that I could be on my own ; scary and lonely, but also good I don t have to feel pressured to find someone. Pressured by time being too old; too old to be physically attractive. There s a sense that I only have a few years once I get to 60 then it s too late, that leaves five years to go. I have carried the construct of someone who lives in a family. Now I can be me sitting in a chair driving or rather just being. This is a new realization. Gill: Aren t you angry? 26

27 Kay: No I m not. I don t want to be driving so bloody hard. I don t have to drive I can be! I don t have to try to find my life. I can just sit and be present to it. When I drive fast and take those corners there s an adrenalin rush and that makes me feel alive, but I don t feel as though I have been present to my life. This dialogue is considered as data and reduced by selecting key words, clustering them and then giving each cluster a title. How do I be an older passionate, sensual woman? Passion Old Body Shapes Choices Connecting all my different selves. Construct Connections Self Identities Trapped by my fear and anger Angry Stuck Trapped Fixed Boxes Balance achieved by embodying the moment Present In my body To be Balance Space to grow in an uncluttered landscape Space Uncluttered Fluid Create I must work hard to construct a fulfilling life Move Hard Effort Push Distortion Urgency Direction will emerge if I stay open Openness Safe Emergence Key Words Key words are a form of reduction that focuses the inquiry towards significant meaning. Words, feelings, images and sensing may be extracted from any form of multimodal representation. Different rationales can be taken for the selection of the key words: The number of times a certain word appears The emotional response The essence of the topic Descriptive Stimulates interest. These key words can then be grouped into clusters on the basis of their sensed connectedness. Word clusters can then be further reduced to titles or themes. I select and group the key words intuitively; just quickly do what seems right. Once they are grouped I look at each cluster to see if I can get to the essence of the meaning these clusters contain. I then develop a title for each cluster that encapsulates the meaning for me. These titles are a further reduction of my data and start to refine my inquiry. I take these key word clusters to the next research supervision group. As an intersubjective response (ISR) Gill, Nona and Jan re-cluster my key words. 27

28 Intersubjective Response The Intersubjective Response is a representation of an empathic and intuitive understanding, put out into space and meeting the other where they are. It is a carefully chosen response that will further the collaborative inquiry that arises from the experience of connectedness that comes from really attending to the other to what they are communicating either in spoken or written language, movement or physical expression. The intention of the intersubjective response can vary. It can be to challenge, to encourage, to stimulate curiosity or to affirm. The response can be given in the form of a question, an affirmation or an empathic response. Consideration must be given to what is the most effective mode of response spoken or written words, movement, voice, music, drawn or painted image, sculpture etc. Movement, music, pictures are more fluid modes of expression and can express feelings that are difficult to put into words. Using these modes for an intersubjective response minimises interpretation and allows more space for the other to bring their own understanding and take what they need. Gill s Intersubjective Response Anger and passion is embodied. Emergence is allowing allowing the body to be what it is. I like the sense of self as a shape changing, fluid thing that travels through landscapes it has ways of connecting. The capacity to move through the landscape allows identity. Distortion leads to hardness and oldness hard and old seem to be a distortion of your true self. ALLOWING Openness In my body To be Emergence Present Angry Passion Balance Space Create Choices Identities Self Landscape Shapes Connection Move Fluid Gill s ISR resonates with me. My continuing journey to listen to my body, to the intelligence and wisdom contained in my body, has been a constant challenge in my life. To be in the moment and allow my life to unfold rather than pushing and pulling my self into a fixed shape of what I ought/should be. Gill s view that the hard and old appear to be a distortion of my true self is re-affirming and inspiring. Perhaps I am shifting and living my life in a more open way. Pressure Push Effort Urgency THE RESULT Safe Boxes Construct Fix Stuck Trapped Distortion Hard Old 28

29 Nona s Intersubjective Response There s new, and that begins with choices and there s old and that begins with stuck, and angry seems to be at the fulcrum and I know that s a strong statement which comes from our past working together. There are two sides of the seesaw the effortful self is an old habit and a construct of oldness. There are two selves where angry seems to be the connection between them. NEW OLD Choices Passion Openness Self Move Fluid Landscape Space Emergence In your body Present Balance Create Connections To be Stuck Effort Pressure Urgency Push Hard Trapped Distortion ANGRY Fixed Shapes Safe Identities What Constructs? Construct Boxes Old Nona s ISR is similar to Gill s in terms of an old stuck self and a newer more open present self. Nona: I have a question: What generates anger? Kay: I have trouble with anger and it moves from pain to sadness. Gill: I think you feel anger easily you feel it, you name it but don t know how to deal with it. Kay: When I feel it I run. Jan: What comes first hurt, sadness or anger? 29

30 Self Construct Emotional Response Kay: Hurt came first then anger comes after that. I don t know if there s a lot of anger there, anger is bad it s scary. What s my greatest fear? I will hurt others then feel rejected. Jan s Intersubjective Response When you construct self in this way, particularly as old, what happens? Emotional response could be anger? Could be passion? Could be creative? Lots of choices of response to this construct. Relational ways of being one that is contained. While there is safety in containment you often push against it. Space of landscape, which is expansive and open. Something about different spaces you find yourself in and the different energy creating balance between hard/effort and fluid/openness. Question is where is safe? Do you want to be safe? Angry Urgency Passion Create Distortion PRESENT Old In your body To be Identities Self Construct SHAPES Relational Ways of Being Fluid Choices Openness Emergence Connections Space Landscape Hard Pressure Effort Push Move Boxes Fixed Trapped Stuck BALANCE Where is Safe? Jan s ISR opens up the construct of old, and my response to ageing, as being multi-dimensional with different choices of emotional responding to ageing angry, creative, passionate. She brings to the fore the idea of choice. 30

31 These ISR s raise the following questions. How to be? How to allow myself to be fluid, open and shape changing? Is it my anger that traps me? How? Do I want to be safe? What is the relationship between anger and safety? I indwell these ISR s. I am left with the key words of old/new, effort/emergence, anger/fear, safety/balance and excitement/passion. I find Nona s response really intriguing that my anger is a fulcrum between my old stuck self that requires effort and my new self that is more free and open. Gill s response that passion and anger are embodied emotions and emergence is allowing my body to be what it is, resonates deeply with me. I do feel like my attempt to contain my emotions and feelings leads to a distorted stuck, hard, old self. Indwell This is an activity of conscious reflection in which one chooses to be present and explore phenomena of experiencing which present themselves into awareness. Whatever draws attention and has energy attached to it can become part of the indwelling; both known and not known materials of experiencing are allowed into awareness, and are played with, reflected upon or inquired into (MIECAT 2008, p.8). There seems to be a common theme of balance between two ways of being in the world; between hard effort and fluid openness. I have a choice of how I want to be. Maybe I have already moved beyond my old, stuck, angry, resentful self to a self that is open and fluid. I am now more able to allow my life to unfold and embrace me. Perhaps I no longer have to run from one extreme to another. The metaphor of running along a see saw comes strongly to mind. I run from one end of the see saw to the other always wanting to be at the opposite end. emergence When I m down I want to be up but when I run in that direction the weight of my hunger effort and urgency weighs me down. I feel like I have lived my life like this continually running from one extreme to the other taking on Balance different roles and selves. The elite sportswoman who played netball at a national level whilst hanging out at university smoking dope and exploring the world of political activism of the 70 s. The hippy living in a tent in the bush grinding my own organic wheat by hand whilst in the winter managing a ski lodge and mixing with the young rich smart crowd. The earth mother making homemade jam and nurturing my three children while working in a senior executive management position. The loyal wife in a 28 year monogamous relationship who yearned for passion and excitement. The single professional woman living in a tiny flat in St. Kilda running my own business, going out and exploring my sexuality, then going back to the rural isolation of the farm in 31

32 a small community in East Gippsland with alternative energy and a massive garden to visit my 17 year old twin sons. I so often have felt like different people living different lives. It has been exhausting and confusing. Who am I and who do I want to be? Striving to reach up and out to find my life; the effort of trying to achieve balance. To seek balance that incorporates both ends of the fulcrum. Why do I always go to dichotomies? Theme The synthesis of the data to a central theme is a further focusing activity which aims to get to the essence of the topic. Van Manen (1990) describes themes as structures of experience that are intransitive and provide: a focus or meaning of the experience, a simplification and a means of capturing the phenomenon - of giving shape to the shapeless, of describing the content. I have a sudden insight, although I realise this insight has been slowly developing through my process of art representation, reduction into key words, clusters and titles, further indwelling of these and the ISR s I received from my research companions. This insight constitutes a theme as described by Lett (1993) as a construction made from representations of inner experiencing which holds together patterns of connected experiencing which comes from relooking and indwelling the procedures and materials. Phenomenological themes are not objects or generalizations; metaphorically speaking they are more like knots in the webs of our experiences, around which certain lived experiences are spun and thus lived through as meaningful wholes. Themes are the stars that make up the universes of meaning we live through. By the light of these themes we can navigate and explore such universes. Van Manen, 1990, p.90. Theme 1 I don t have to strive with effort to find my life. My life is now. Here with me. It s not out there. I don t have to chase after every experience. I just need to be present. To experience my life, precious moment by precious moment. I think my inquiry is leading me into how I can be in the world as I age; to somehow integrate all the different aspects of myself, my different selves. 32

33 This complexity of the self is explored by Braidotti (1994) in the concept of nomadic subject that describes a multi-differentiated, non-hierarchical subjectivity that is not restricted to any particular theoretical or philosophical construct. She conceptualizes the body as pure flows of energy, capable of multiple variations (p. 165) in which the I is a theoretical fiction that holds together the collection of differing layers (Braidotti, 1994, p. 166). As Elsden contends Braidotti provides a new way of recognising sexuality and sexual identity as encompassing multiple and embodied voices (Elsden, 2000, p. 2). It is these multiple embodied voices that I want allow to be heard. How should I do this? In our next self care group session Nona says she noticed a moment when she was companioning me when I had changed tack and held back. She thought of identifying it at the time but didn t; she now wonders what was happening. I am very clear, as it was a strong moment for me; a significant moment as defined by Stern (2004). It was about my sexual identity as an older woman. As I age what is appropriate sexual behaviour? Having come out of a 28 year relationship I am suddenly faced with the challenges inherent in having sexual desires and needs whilst no longer in the safety and security of a long term relationship. Changing my sexual orientation and wanting to explore a whole new dimension of myself adds further complication. Whilst on the one hand I feel like a teenager eager to explore this suddenly amazing new world as a sexual passionate woman, I am also aware I am 55 years of age. I hold all these constructs of how a 55 year old woman should behave. I feel constrained by my fears. Where do I go with all this? What should I explore further? There are a few topics I am intrigued by: How to age with grace and passion? How to be more open and allow my life to emerge rather than using so much effort to construct it? How to integrate my different selves? Anger! I thought I had dealt with anger in my inquiry last year! Do I still have to explore this? I don t want to. I m sick of gnawing away at my anger. It doesn t feel like such a big thing in my life. But is this just me running away again! I have a further experience of my anger while Gill, Nona and I are companioning Kerry in her inquiry into her anger with her mother. Kerry describes a moment in which she shared her experience of depression with her mother and her mother s response was to say, I can t deal with your depression. It was like a knife in my gut! This had happened to me too except it was with my husband. I had poured my heart out to him about my depression, my fears that I would kill myself as one of our friends had just done. I was commuting over 300 kilometres to work as a lecturer at Monash University, I was studying my Masters in Social Policy and being bullied at work. I was caring for my mother with dementia and also trying to be a good mother and partner. I was absolutely exhausted and just wanted to stop work. I talked about driving along the highway and resisting with all my willpower the desire to drive into the path of an oncoming truck. His response was 33

34 Intrasubjective Response The process of tuning into our own inner experience, to consciously check in to observe and examine what is happening in our inner world, is defined as the intra-subjective response. It is as if we have this tape continually playing; most of the time the volume will be on low and we don t notice it but occasionally it will blast through to the forefront of our consciousness because of the power of the emotional response. that he couldn t earn as much as me and I needed to keep working so we could pay the mortgage. I don t think I have ever felt so alone and abandoned. All these emotions flood back on hearing Kerry s story. I shut down. I can t be present to Kerry. My intrasubjective response is so powerful and unexpected. I presented this moment for further inquiry in a group supervision session later that afternoon. As I spoke I started to cry. I was amazed at the intensity of my emotional response. I was overwhelmed by my feelings of anger and grief for the person that I had been. The person who wasn t able to stand up for herself and just say, Enough! I need to stop work! Or else just leave. Instead I stayed. For another 10 years! I kept working hard doing two jobs, caring for my mother with dementia and trying to be a good mother to my children while destroying myself by containing the volcanic rage that kept building. I wasn t able to give expression to this anger and rage. Again my feelings of grief and anger seem so entwined. I am forced to confront my inability to express my anger in a further supervision group session. I present a moment from my practice as a facilitator when I became frustrated and angry with a young man in the group who kept going on and on about the same thing. I could feel everyone s frustration building and I thought I have to fix this! I tried several strategies but at every opportunity he would push his point. I could feel my own frustration and anger building. He s messing this up, not doing what he should, I should be able to manage his behaviour, do something my critic harangued me. During an enactment of this scenario in my supervision group I am challenged to express my anger. But I can t! Wow! It blew me away! I thought I d sorted out all my issues about anger. I d done my previous assignment on anger. I really don t want to go there again! Edwina, my supervisor challenges me to do three representations of anger using different modalities. The first one I do is a movement. I shout and punch the air and leap around my living room like a kung fu fighter. At least I know that I can express anger when alone! I use my self care group to further explore this moment and when expressing how I contain my anger Nona notes a repetitive movement I am making with my right fist punching into my open relaxed left hand. It feels quite balancing with the aggressive energy of my fist, not being contained by, but rather being absorbed by the gentle giving of my open palm. Nona then noted that, in rest, this hand movement was the same as that used in Zen walking meditation. This was quite profound as Nona, Gill, and I had just been to a Zen weekend meditation retreat. At the retreat I had a private session with the teacher and talked to him about my confusion with anger; my concern that I avoid anger by withdrawing into grief and sadness. He suggests that perhaps this is not a 34

35 withdrawal at all but maybe a deeper exploration of my emotions. As an amplification I do a representation of this image of fist in my hand. Amplification In a desire to explore something that comes into our awareness more fully we can bring this aspect into more focus through enlarging it or doing another multimodal representation. Amplification extends and expands the exploration of an aspect of the representation. In my previous enquiry in 2007 I discovered that my feelings of grief, sadness, fear of rejection and abandonment are very closely linked to my feelings of anger. Growing up in a household, in which anger was often expressed through shouting and physical violence, I have always had great difficulty being with anger, both my own and others. As an adult I have probably lost control of my anger and shouted about twice in my life. I tend to avoid conflict by taking on an appeasing placating role. I don t know whether I quickly take myself into the more comfortable feeling of grief and sadness to avoid my anger or whether I in fact move through anger quickly to get to the primal feelings of sadness or grief. The creative synthesis from my previous inquiry (2007) was: When I feel anger I become frightened and withdraw. This has prevented me from understanding my own feelings of anger as well as other feelings that are often associated with my anger such as grief and sadness. This has led me to repeat patterns of being in the world. Creative Synthesis A creative synthesis is the bringing patterned understandings together into synthesised meanings. This does not necessarily imply abstraction, generalisation or theory building. It is a search for the most elegant, most aesthetically right and most authentic way of representing the coherent meanings revealed in the reconstruction of the aspects of a life as lived...the meaning isn t just derived at the end of an analysis; it is discovered in the experiencing and is present continuously in the representations and intersubjective responses. But the artistry of constituting significance is the last integrative task of the research collaboration (Lett, undated, p.6) I feel I need to get more in touch with the emotion of anger. I really want to get into my body to connect with the meaning that may be held within it as it is the body that generates what is new, surprising, unpredictable (Grosz 1994, p.xi). My inquiry up to this point feels safe and detached. I want to really embody the experience of anger. 35

36 Embodiment All experience is contained bodily sensations. These feeling sensations, which are often outside our conscious attention, provide important information about our experience. Embodied feelings are often important carriers of meaning and often draw attention to associated thought, emotion and values previously held as not quite known MIECAT 2008, p.7). The embodiment of emotions is a key element of the MIECAT process which underpins the commitment to multimodality. I agree with the contention of Lakoff and Johnson that Every understanding that we can have of the world, ourselves and others can only be framed in terms of concepts shaped by our bodies (1999, p. 555). I am driven to immerse my body into this inquiry in order to obtain new meaning. How can I do this? I have an urge to totally throw myself, my body into making an art representation. I decide to make an imprint on paper with my painted body. When we paint upon a body, we paint upon the infinite collection of mistakes and misunderstandings, witch burnings, condemnations, and assumptions that build up inside us, until they finally erupt in the moment of glory and passion. And our human skin, set free at last, regains its original essence as that final surface on which all signs and expressions come together, and are quiet. Edwards, 1996, p.14. Body Images 1 & 2: Anger - Masculine and Feminine I cover the floor with black plastic, set out the paper and paints and start to smear the paint all over my body. Initially it feels strange. It connects to my childhood and the experience of not being allowed to make a mess; to stay clean. Then I begin to enjoy the decadence of the feeling of the paint on my naked body. I paint to create an energy of emotion and body memory into text (Minge, 2007, p. 259). I paint myself in blood red and lie on the paper in different poses. I have no idea how the image will come out. I just go with what I feel like doing. I then add black and blue. I keep sticking to the paper as the paint dries. I am totally in the moment as I use my body as both an object by which to apply paint and as a canvas. I relate to the Australian artist Theresa Byrnes when she says, I was not separate from the painting. Where did I stop and it begin? (Byrnes, 1999, p. 274). I cover my hands and make imprints over the image of my body and finally I cover my feet and stand on the printed image of my body in the pelvic area. I am drawn to this area, to my womb, the symbol of my strength, creativity, fertility, sexuality and vulnerability. I truly feel in my emotion of anger. My flesh and bones resonate the memory (Minge, 2007, p.258). I feel all the rage built up over years of resentment and frustration with my ex-husband that has recently become cement-like as we attempt to sort out the financial assets of our 28 years together. I continue to smear the paint on my body. My body, and not the paper, is now the more important canvas of expression. I swirl the paint all over myself luxuriating in the feeling of immersion in the blood red and black paint. I feel the different texture as the paint starts to dry 36

37 and cake on my skin. All my senses are alive and attuned to the act of painting myself, my body, every crevice and bulge. I feel my skin move as I apply the paint. My muscles contract as I shift positions. I feel alive in every fibre of my body. I am my body. I feel in tune with Foucault as he contends that it is the body that is the site of transcendence and the condition of possibility for all knowledge (Foucault, 1976 as cited in Braidotti, 1994). I look at myself in the mirror and feel beautiful. Like a warrior. Strong. Fearless in my nakedness. The paint providing a cloak of armour. My skin adorned and re-clothed in paint casts a new light. I feel connected to all the women over millennia who have used their bodies to express their emotions in tribal rituals. My body speaks. It makes language like hair ( Gingrich-Philbrook, 2001, p. 3). The Chilean poet Raul Zurita eloquently expresses the power of the painted body in his introduction to Edwards book of photographs of painted bodies. A radiant splendor emanates from the surface. The painting of nude bodies might be described as unsurpassed, like that unattainable, elusive glow of beauty that glimmers through, transforming all that is strictly human body, flesh, and skin and lifting it above the realm of mere biology The artist is not painting a body, he is painting its aura, and it is this aura that is revealed to us that draws us, as active participants into, a game of emblems and mirrors. Zurita in introduction of Edwards 1996 p.13. I take a series of photos of myself striking different poses that reflect my feelings of anger, strength, power. 37

38 Fearless in my Nakedness I am strong fearless in my femaleness Courageous. The beauty of a woman s body In all its stages Puberty, fecundity, pregnancy, middle age and crone. How to sustain my feelings of being fearless in my own nakedness? Without the need of the props of status, identity, possessions. To be in the world as who I am. At times I feel shriveled by my fear! What are my fears? Fear that I will waste this precious gift of life. That I will not be worthy Of being allowed to live while others have died young. My sister Ann who died at 35 years of age. I ve had an extra 20 years of life What have I done with this? Have I made good use of this time? Kay Gravell 27 th September 2008 I am feeling sticky. I go to the shower and start to wash the paint from my body. As splashes of blood red paint splatter against the white shower tiles and run down the plug hole I am transported to all the scary shower images I have witnessed in films such as Psycho and Fatal Attraction. There is something primal about a shower. Being vulnerable while enjoying the feel of warm water washing over my body ignorant to any imminent danger lurking just outside the shower curtain. I am transfixed by the sight of the blood red paint disappearing down the plug hole. 38

39 At the same time I experience an amazing feeling of being cleansed. Of washing all the rage, shit, pain, anger from by body. It is incredibly powerful. I have a total sense of embodying all my experiences and emotions and know that meaning is grounded in and through our bodies (Lakoff and Johnson, 1999, p. 6). I feel part of a sisterhood of female artists such as Theresa Byrnes, Marina Abramovic, Valie Export, Gina Payne and Orlan who have used their bodies to express their emotions and ideas. I now have a powerful experience of the process outlined by Ellis (2004) of using embodied art to enter into the artful complexity of lived experience. At my self-care group I lay my paintings on the floor. Kerry suggests that I depth my inquiry by dialoguing with my representation as described by McNiff (2007). As Betensky (1987, p.164) says, art work develops a separate identity from the maker; it becomes a separate entity with its own properties. It can thus be reviewed objectively and new meaning can emerge, as messages are embedded in the art expression deposited half knowingly. I speak from the image. Curled into foetal position I feel safe. I hold all my anger tightly inside me. If I let it out it will explode into a great big mess! I won t be able to clean up the mess or hide it from others. Everyone will know! They ll see all my shitty mess. I feel ashamed. Why do I have all this shit sticking to me and exploding out of me? I open my mouth and out flies a red monster. It s like a sci-fi movie. I am inhabited by monsters that explode out of me when I least expect it. Depthing When something captures our curiosity we can explore it in more depth through focusing in on this detail or by creating additional multimodal representations. This process takes us beyond talking about, into the experiencing of being in and with the phenomena, rather than outside of, our representational dialogue (MIECAT, 2008, p. 6). 39

40 Body Images 1 and 2: Masculine and Feminine I share the symbolism of the foot prints. How they are an expression of my anger. I enter the imprint of my body and gently stand in my painted foot prints. I reconnect with the experience of doing them, how I wanted to vent all my pent up rage. I begin slowly circling my foot as if stubbing out a cigarette. I embody my foot. I stomp out my anger. My foot becomes an all powerful embodiment of my pent up rage. I feel the energy of my anger course through all the veins, muscles and nerve fibres of my body to be released through my foot. I gradually increase the pressure of my foot until it is crashing into the womb, destroying that most vulnerable place. I shout and swear. I cry. I finally give expression to my rage! I feel all powerful. I want to destroy this body beneath me. I feel like the giant Monty Python animated foot that stomped its way through the city squashing all before it high rise buildings, cars and people. I am all powerful, pulverizing the body under me. I feel the flesh and bone give. I am the masculine force. The rapist, murderer, the wreaker of havoc. Strong, powerful assertive. It feels good to let my emotions go. To scream and stamp. To feel the energy held in so tight for so long to be released in an explosive outburst of rage. 40

41 At the same time I embody the feminine aspect of myself. I experience the feeling of being crushed; of being open and vulnerable with my life force, my womb, the source of the miracle of my creation, my sexuality being smashed to smithereens. I feel squashed, trodden upon. I am the universal female victim of masculine power as conceptualised by feminist writers; the female who is raped as an act of war, who is violently abused in the name of love, the female who symbolises the ultimate strength of survival. Feminist writers from Braidotti, (1994) to Gatens, (1996) and Grosz, (1994) have brought attention to the power of the female body as embodying the gendered politics of our world. By focusing on the body sexual differences become visible and the subject can no longer readily succumb to neutralization and neutering which has occurred as a consequence of women s submission under male definition. Grosz, 1994, p. vii. As I embody the experience of lying naked, open and vulnerable beneath the raging foot of masculine power, I feel at one with all women who have suffered through masculine oppression. This potent experience allows me to experience the feeling of the oppressed and the oppressor, the powerless and the powerful, the feminine and the masculine; the duality of the abuser and abused, the aggressor and the victim. This experience of making, and then depthing through dialogue, this art representation, provides a bodily release for the anger and rage I have been holding within every cell of my body. By connecting to my body in this way I am able to release the pain held within it. As Winkelmann (2004) says, pain is a complex phenomenon schooled by culture, but experienced by flesh and bones, the body (p.57). I am able to immerse myself in all aspects of the experience and thus access new knowing. Through my previous inquiry I developed new understanding of the source of my anger and about how it impacted on the way I lived my life. But this knowing was more at a cognitive level. This experience has allowed me to develop a deep bodily knowing. I feel cleansed, released, calm. I no longer hold this old rage within my body. I feel different. Through using this art process of inquiry I have a perception of a new sense of self I now know myself differently in significant ways (Lett, 1993). 41

42 Following this session I receive an Intersubjective Response from Kerry which captures my experience. I stand at the foothill of my own form my body wet with the colours of my own anger. Slowly, then more rapidly I mark the place. My stamp more forceful My breath more fierce My arms more clenched My fists more tight FUCK! My voice sound fills the silence. I grind and grind and grind and grind AND GRIND. It is my own foot stamping there... Right there - in that place - vagina. Wet paint slips from my form and I am cleansed. My hands form a new shape to explore. This ISR from Kerry encapsulates the essence of an authentic ISR as described by Kegan, ISR s invite the other to place their hands on it to reshape it into something more fitting and it is in this act of re-shaping that the very way she knows is re-shaped (Kegan, 1994 cited in Rumbold et al 2008, p.298). The experience of dialoguing with my art representation around anger and indwelling this ISR leads me to the following theme: Theme 2 When I am angry I am afraid to release my anger as I fear that it will harm me or others. I lack confidence in my anger providing me with the clarity and energy to act. My anger embodies both my masculine and feminine selves and does not have to be an oppressive destructive force. 42

43 My experience of the power of this form of art representation drives me to do more. Like Elsden (2000) who has also used this form of art representation, I feel like I am writing from my body. Its shapes, marks, lines, hairs, curves and seepages of paint are the lettering of this story; a story about the empowerment of female bodies (p. 2). I do a further two series of body images. I have no plan. I just become immersed in the moment of creation; in the experience of creating art from my body. As Theresa Byrnes says Trying to achieve beauty was just that, trying to achieve beauty, but being beautiful was being in the moment (Byrnes, 1999, p. 232). I place my paintings on my walls. I live with them and indwell the experience. I immerse myself in the study of my body as teacher. My body images speak to me of my life. It is an expressive landscape of my experience; a map of my life s journey. I feel I have found the mode of expression that is allowing me to embody, quite literally my experience. Each image provides me with a narrative. The texture of my skin on the paper the shape of my body, my muscles, breasts, buttocks, paint different stories. I relate strongly to Jennifer Elsden (2000) when she describes the process of covering her body with paint and imprinting it on paper to create a series of body images as, a celebration of my creativity, expression, sexuality and beauty. It was an art piece that recognised my sexed body. A body that has been loved, despised, licked, shaven, hurt, groomed, rubbed, pierced and penetrated. A socially, 43

44 historically and culturally sculptured body. A body scripted to perform certain ways in specific spaces. However, it is also a body with the ability to extend the frameworks attempting to contain it and seep beyond the domains of control. It is this transgressive and transformative ability of bodies, and in particular, my body that fascinates me. Elsden, 2000, p.2. At my research group I spread my body images on the floor. I feel vulnerable as I see the painted images of my naked body displayed around the room. They take up so much space. I take up so much space. This is a challenging experience for me; to take up space, to receive the full attention of others. I feel naked and revealed. I want to run from my body and into the safety of my head; to intellectualize my experience. Jan, Gill and Nona provide an Intersubjective Response through a phrase/title for each print as a means of helping me further deepen my inquiry and reduce this data. Body Image 3: Waving Breasts/Penises This image is the most provocative for me. It reminds me of one-eyed creatures feeding, observing. What do they see? The phrases I am given by Jan, Gill and Nona are: 1. Swimming to a point of meeting 2. Searching for Sustenance 3. Waving, wavering breast or penis? I suddenly see these enormous waving penises. I initially feel shame and embarrassment. What have I revealed? My masculine self? I have a struggle in revealing my masculine strength and power. I am afraid to unleash my masculine assertive self, thinking that it may overwhelm me. And others. So I have kept it locked away. In my negotiation with my ex-husband over our financial assets, I struggled to assert myself against his stubborn inflexibility. I gave in and capitulated rather than enter into the ring to fight it out. I have tended to see the masculine and feminine aspects of myself in competition. And here my body has revealed it so clearly. From the image of my breast has emerged a penis. My masculine and feminine intertwine and are integrated as one to make a whole. 44

45 I write a haiku a traditional Japanese form of poem. Observing, searching for sustenance, fulfillment male female enjoined. Body Image 4: Balance of Difference The titles given by Jan, Gill and Nona are: 1. The touch and the gaze 2. Supporting each other 3. Enfolding, meeting, together and different I am struck by the sense of balance of two different forms enfolding and supporting each other. Indwelling these two images I come to another theme. Supporting each other two bodies enfolding Male and Female Intertwined. Opposites together strength and sensitivity grace and passion old and new. Theme 3 I have been uncomfortable with expressing my masculine energy of assertiveness and strength and when in conflict have tended to be passive and placatory. When I allow my masculine and feminine energy to be expressed I feel in balance and integrated. 45

46 Body Image 5: The Metamorphosis The titles I am given by Jan, Nona and Gill are: 1. Where am I going? 2. Transformation/metamorphosis 3. Are you substance or space? This image speaks to me of re-birth. Out of my womb sprouts a figure. Or conversely a figure is diving into my centre. I write another Haiku. Metamorphosis From old, rebirth, renewal Where am I going? Body Image 6: Dance of Joy 46

47 When I made this image I was driven to make black foot prints over my body to depict the oppression of my anger. But when I look at this image it conveys to me a feeling of joy; of dancing feet. The footprints are beautiful rather than threatening. The second red figure conveys a free spirit reaching out of the body. My eye is drawn to the white centre in the body. It feels like a strong centre of light from which I can grow. It reminds me that out of my anger can come release and the joy of movement. I must remember to dance! The titles I am given by Jan, Nona and Gill are: 1. Tango 2. Come dance with me 3. Escape from emptiness Haiku Joyful dance of life Feet dancing, spirit flying Centre filled with light Body Image 7: Crucifixion or Flight Crucifixion is the first word that comes to me when I look at this red orange figure. However it feels so open, allowing - with arms extended wide to embrace the world. It doesn t feel like suffering but more like joy and peace, acceptance. Strong. Centre filled with light which reminds me of an image I have when meditating of filling my body with light. My light filled centre sustains me. A strong central column of light down my body is my foundation. I am light and strong. Open but safe. Free and at peace. Flying but grounded. The titles I am given by Jan, Nona and Gill are: 1. I am here for you 2. Allowing my essence to be seen 3. Embracing openness, freely, generously, easily. 47

48 Standing strong Open acceptance Arms extended Embracing the world Centre light filled Allowing my essence to be seen I am here for you. Theme 4 When I am present I can connect to my inner strength and I can be open, vulnerable and trusting Body Image 8: Honour This image speaks to me of vulnerability, of bowing down. Is the red figure an oppressive force or a cloak of majestic wisdom with a queen s headdress? Am I being oppressed or submitting or am I honouring some higher force? It feels strong. Ancient and tribal. Strong muscular legs, rippling muscles, black skinned beauty. I am a warrior princess, strong and fearless. I am strong enough to show my vulnerability. My blood red cloak and crown ornaments of high status. The titles I am given by Jan, Nona and Gill are: 1. Tactile texture of red towards black 2. Look see my vulnerability 3. She can carry anything but there s always a cost. 48

49 Body Image 9: Skeleton Revealed This image reminds me of a skeleton of bones scattered around. Of decay. Skeleton, random, breaking, degradation. The titles I am given by Jan, Nona and Gill are: 1. The bones remain 2. Fragments of bone remain with the ghost spirit 3. Playful moments captured Anger fear like flesh wash away revealing strength Wisdom remaining Theme 5 When I trust in, and listen to, my body I find an inner strength and wisdom. Body Image 10: Ageing 49

50 The titles I am given by Jan, Nona and Gill are: 1. Standing/Merging with my other selves 2. Soft red blue belly lined, folded nests into the paper 3. Shyly? I stand here before you, witness with a young self present. Whilst I can see the image of a pre-pubescent young girl that Nona refers to in her ISR, the stronger image for me is that of an old woman. To me the painting conveys an image of an old woman s body. It takes me back to the time of caring for my mother when she had dementia. I would undress her, help her to the toilet and shower her. The shock of seeing her body, former full breasts now sacks of skin hanging to her waist; her thin transparent skin covering her bony frame and exposing her loose paunch of a tummy. With the gentleness of a mother I bathed and cared for her. Neither of us able to be truly present to each other. She, lost in her inner world of confusion and anxiety, me, thinking of the myriad other tasks I had to do. As I step back to follow the lines of the brush, the splatters of colour, I can see my experience more clearly. I am offered, through my art, a new vision. Minge, 2006, p This image tells a story of ageing. It is of me; face down, my belly imprinted on the paper. It looks like the belly of an older woman, someone who has lived, had children and has now lost the vibrant tautness of youth. It confronts me with my own experience of ageing. My body no longer taut with the potential of youth, or rounded and smooth with the fecundity of my child bearing years but moving into the sagging barrenness of old age. My once pert breasts beginning to sag and the skin of my belly hanging with the left over folds of pregnancy. My knees wrinkled like a tortoise. This image taps into my fears about ageing. How do I want to live as an older woman? Without the security and safety of a stable relationship. How do I re-form myself? I had thought I would age with Richard. We d do things together; travel, maybe go on a sailing trip. Potter around the farm; do lots of gardening. Our children and, in time our grandchildren, would come and stay. My future seemed defined. It was a good vision. My life would get easier as we became more financially secure. I would work less and enjoy more free time. Perhaps I would write that novel or paint. But my life has changed so dramatically. I no longer have a vision of how I will age. Although I now have my own business I am not financially secure. I am not in a stable intimate relationship. I still want to go out and party. I have lots of friends of all ages. My life is more diverse and richer in so many ways. But I don t have any role models of how to be. How to live my life? 50

51 Is it any different if I wanted to live a heterosexual life? One difference is that I have experienced such a dramatic sexual awakening. At a time when many women experience a reduction in libido and sexual energy, I feel like a teenager. I feel vibrant, sexy, beautiful and desirable. How do I make sense of myself as a sexual, passionate older woman? My experience of my mother, who as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, had a strongly sexualized demeanor. I can feel my cheeks redden and my stomach tense as I see my mother, a cigarette in one hand, a glass of red wine in the other, pelvis thrust forward, leaning provocatively into one of the young men at a family social event. Maybe when she was young and attractive that behaviour was okay but as she aged, it seemed to my teenage eyes, abhorrent, ugly, shameful and embarrassing. Am I now becoming my mother? Since I have left my husband I have been with younger women, years younger than me. They tell me I am sexy, attractive and seem so young. I feel young! But is this correct behaviour? Is it proper? Who cares? Whose rules am I trying to live by? My parents are dead so I don t have to worry about their approval or disapproval. My children? They don t seem to care what I do. They appear to love me for who I am. Can I love me for who I am? Can I accept me for myself and not worry about what others might think? Just be. Stop stressing about how to age? Embrace my life, my beauty, my self. Beauty Beauty is in my lived in skin. The wrinkles, lines and scars evidence of a life lived fully. Beauty is in the light that shines from within. Beauty is in my connection to others. in our lives entwined. Kay Gravell September 2008 As I indwell this image the following theme emerges. Theme 5 When I can truly know that beauty is not attached to my physical form, I feel free, beautiful and able to connect to others more easily. These paintings made by my body capture so much richness. So many stories to tell. I agree with Mellon (2008) when she says, The eloquence of the body and its organs is the voice of creation speaking to you directly and uniquely" (p.viii). I decide to explore the notion of beauty and ageing in more depth; to map my body in order to reveal my life stories and come to new 51

52 knowings. I have faith that my body will continue to provide me with direction. The complexity and magical beauty of the body is eloquently captured by Abram when he writes: This breathing body, as it experiences and inhabits the world, is very different from the objectified body diagrammed in physiology textbooks, with its separable systems (the circulatory system, the digestive system, the respiratory system etc.) laid bare on each page. The body I here speak of is very different from the body we have been taught to see and even to feel, very different, finally from that complex machine whose broken parts or stuck systems are diagnosed by our medical doctors and repaired by our medical technologies. Underneath the anatomized and mechanical body that we have learned to conceive, prior indeed to all our conceptions, dwells the body as it actually experiences things, this poised and animate power that initiates all our projects and suffers all our passions. Abram 1197, p. 4). My body then quite dramatically takes my inquiry into a deeper place. As an emergent inquiry that is based on my lived experience, I have no control over the direction in which it heads. As my lived experience changes, so my inquiry reflects these changes. I have an operation to repair an umbilical hernia; something that I have had since birth but now requires repair. On the day I have this operation I find out I have carcinoma in the milk ducts of my left breast. It seems that suddenly my body is letting me down. I now have a new scar down my stomach and a refashioned belly button! Three days after my operation I have other tests for my breast biopsy and MRI. It feels so unreal. My sister died of breast cancer at 35 years of age. Will I die? My chiropractor tells me that perhaps I have always expected to get cancer. And I agree. I have always expected to get breast cancer. Have I brought this on myself? My surgeon tells me that it is good news the cancer is contained within my breast ducts. It is called Ductal Carcinoma in Situ (DCIS). It is not invasive. It is not life threatening. But she will have to operate and remove a section of my breast, and unfortunately the location of the lesion means that she ll have to remove my nipple. She draws me a very neat diagram showing that she ll just remove my nipple and a small area of tissue behind it. 52

53 I read the booklet on DCIS and am blown away by the presentation of the data on treatment outcomes, in which symbol is used to represent survival and symbol to represent death. I think, well I guess you would be a bit sad if you die! I decide to do a series of images of my left breast. I smother it with paint and make imprints on the paper. I want to portray a sense of decay and death but it just looks beautiful. Like a joyful dance of breasts. Full of colour. Each breast imprint is so beautiful with layers of colour. They remind me of a gang of parrots and lorikeets with their bright colours and alert eyes, formed by my nipple. It seems a great way to immortalize my nipple to have it captured in such a joyful, colourful manner. 53

54 Ode to my Nipple I am going to have my nipple cut off! My nipple that has nourished three beautiful children. The sight of my newborn baby latching on to my nipple the look of absolute contentment as my milk flows. The incredible miracle of sustaining life enacted through my nipple. I am going to have my nipple cut off! My nipple that has brought me so much sensual and sexual pleasure. Waves of delight coursing through my entire body with my lover s touch. I am going to have my nipple cut off! I ll feel unbalanced. My left nipple that has already survived two operations. The first when I was 20 and working at the Anti Cancer Council entering data on cancer survival rates. I found a lump. It was benign. I wouldn t be entered in the research data. The second operation five years ago. A paploma was removed from my breast duct. We ve discovered hypophasic cells in your breast duct I was told. We ll have to go in again. We probably won t be able to save your nipple said the grey haired surgeon with all the sensitivity as if he was discussing the loss of my toenail. Booked in for surgery before Christmas I was saved. By someone whose need was more urgent. Maybe I don t have to do this. I went to the Mercy Breast Clinic. What a difference! From the crowded bus shelter environment of the public system. Like an up market hotel! 54

55 Beautifully groomed reception staff, the smell of freshly brewed coffee a few people, mostly women, although several husbands/partners as well, quietly reading the morning papers as if waiting to go off on a day tour. The only hint is the waft of anxiety in the air. After five years of professional supportive care and close monitoring. A dark splodge is found in my annual ultra sound. It looks so inoffensive just a small dark shadow really. I watch on the ultra sound as they remove a core sample. Five times the hole puncher is fired into the dark shadow. My breast is bruised amazing colors of blue and yellow surround my nipple. I won t be able to save your nipple. You have malignant cells in your breast duct. Just behind your nipple. It s your decision but I believe it is best to be sure we get all the malignant cells. My sister went into surgery. I m just getting a lump removed she said It s no big deal. She awoke from the surgery without her left breast. Cancer had spread to her lymph nodes. She died a year later She was only 35. I am going to have my nipple cut off! Kay Gravell 16 th September

56 I make a plaster cast of my breasts. I have a strong need to somehow capture my breast in all its undamaged beauty. I take photos of my breasts. My nipples are such a vital part of my womanhood. They have nurtured my babies and provided me with much pleasure. My worries about my appearance as I age now seem less important. Now that I have cancer and am faced with the experience of having my nipple cut off. I want to celebrate my nipple. It seems such a small innocuous piece of human flesh but carries so much significance. I had a planned trip to Japan and decide to go ahead with this before my surgery. Being in another country allows me to be truly present to every moment of my experience. Although I am immersed in my experience of Japan, my nipple is constantly at the outer edge of my awareness. My inquiry is now about the loss and grieving of my nipple. My experience in Japan becomes a form of heuristic research; I become totally immersed in the inquiry topic. I feel like Moustakas, (1990) when he describes his total immersion in the topic of loneliness When I began to study loneliness it became the centre of my world. Every event, every feature of my existence appeared to me to be connected with loneliness (Moustakas 1990:45). Gill and I do a walking meditation each morning around the temple in Kyoto, while listening to the monks chanting, I immerse myself in the wood grain of the verandah floor under my feet and see knots of wood that remind me of nipples. I see nipples everywhere! I take photos of nipples in the forest, in the city, in buildings, in the street, in the airplane and in temples. Incredibly I seem to come across missing left nipples everywhere! 56

57 I decide to use my nipple to make a series of images. I cover my nipple with paint and then use it like a brush to make a series of paintings. When I look at these images I am drawn to the splotches of red and orange amongst the black and white. They have a Japanese quality. I make two series of nipple paintings. One before my trip to Japan and another the night before I go into hospital. 57

58 First Series of Nipple Art 58

59 Depthing of Nipple Art I show my paintings to my self-care group members Gill and Nona. I see them laid out before me and am taken back to the experience of making them and their power. Each one seems to contain so much richness. Gill and Nona comment on their richness and beauty. I choose the first one to respond to. I see two faces each with a wide opened eye Mirka Mora quality bound together staring into the unknown with such focused intensity. What do they see these eyes? They are a pair, but soon my right nipple will be alone; it will have lost its twin! Phenomenological Description I decide to do a phenomenological description of the first three art representations on the left hand side. A phenomenological description provides an outline of exactly what is seen, without the use of any symbolism or interpretation. By allowing the art representation to be seen accurately, description enables the phenomenon itself to be discovered. It incorporates the concept of horizontalising in which everything is given equal weight; where there is no foreground/background and every aspect of the art work is described in full. On a rectangular white piece of paper there are two semi-circular black shapes; they are linked together by a round smudgy shape. The left semi-circular shape has areas where the paint has almost run out; there is just s fine shadowy line in places. Inside this shape there is an incomplete circular shape with another round black blob inside it. There is a faint line connecting it to the other similar shape in the second semi-circular shape. In the second semi-circular shape there is a thick dense black rectangular shape on the upper right and another black slash cutting across the bottom line. The paint has a rich texture. Above it there is a black dot. Around the large shapes there are several smaller splodges of black paint. There are several faint almost invisible lines as the paint has run out. The picture really reminds me of a Mirka Mora Painting of two children, with large intense big eyes. I have chosen key words from this description and the other two descriptions which have been included in Appendix 2. I have bracketed back in my experience of being diagnosed with cancer and my fear about my impending operation in order to develop clusters of the key words. I then indwell these clusters and give them titles. 59

60 Stuck in deep sludge thick deep smudge stuck black Strength in connection to others connecting linked touching strokes strong Almost gone energy exhausted run out faint invisible shadow incomplete cracked fades bottom Cutting out the waste to reveal the core blood cutting left intense bright light filled slash I indwell these titles and also reflect on my previous themes that I have developed from my body images. I feel sad and stuck in my fear of cancer. Just the words breast cancer have such powerful symbolism of suffering and death in our society, made stronger for me as my sister died of breast cancer. In the past I have suffered depression. My strongest image of my depression is of being stuck down the bottom of a very deep well in a deep black muddy sludge up to my nostrils with no way to climb out. I can just see a pin prick of light which shows me the direction to which I have to try and climb. But it seems so impossible. This experience feels like this. I feel depleted of my strength, stuck and exhausted. But there is also another more positive element to my illness. I can see it as a challenge to rid myself of the superficial concerns that so often weigh me down and live according to the strong truth of my own authentic existence. I know that I will need to reach out to others and I have been getting much better at asking for help and reaching to others when I m feeling vulnerable and scared. I have received amazing support from friends and my 25 year old daughter in particular. She comes to my appointments with me and her calm nurturing presence is comforting. It allows me to feel the connection of life through mothers and daughters. As I cared for my mother now she is showing the same compassion and care for me. My operation is scheduled the week after my return from Japan. I do a second series of nipple art paintings the night before my operation. I bought the paper the day before my operation and start to work on it that night about 9.00 pm. I am on my own finally with a moment to contemplate. My last opportunity to make art using my left nipple as tomorrow it will be gone. I work on the black paper first. I have no plan. Although I think you can see the influence of my recent trip to Japan in some of them. I paint using the white paint first then apply the red paint. The black series shows the increasing use of paint as I go. The first ones have a quiet calm appearance and the later ones look quite frenzied. I paint on the white paper after I have finished the black ones. I reach a stage in the middle of doing these paintings when I am consumed by anger and grief. It s not fair I don t want to lose my nipple! I apply lots of red paint to represent the blood that I will shed when my nipple is cut off. 60

61 The last two paintings have special meaning for me. I do the one with fine lines in black and red. I am controlled. The long strokes really hurt my nipple as I drag it along the paper. It feels good to hurt. At least then it makes some sense to get it cut off! The lines gradually fade out as the paint runs out. The last painting I do is quite different from the others. It is contained and has a sense of peace and reconciliation about it. When I show it to Nona and Gill they comment on its sense of resignation and reconciliation; the simple strong strokes, deep texture and thick paint. It reminds me of a face with a somewhat humorous or bewildered expression. Something about the redness of the mouth. It looks like thickly applied lipstick, like a planted kiss; it has a sensual feel. The small black dot, like a Marilyn Monroe beauty spot adds to the sense of sexy sensuousness. Perhaps this is a reminder for me that I can still be beautiful and sexy without my nipple. 61

62 Second Series of Nipple Art 62

63 63