Under the Bed. Under the Bed was first presented by Sherman Theatre Cardiff, UK, in 1996.

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1 Under the Bed Under the Bed was first presented by Sherman Theatre Cardiff, UK, in The license issued in connection with PYA perusal scripts is a limited license, and is issued for the sole purpose of reviewing the script for a potential future performance. All other rights regarding perusal scripts are expressly reserved by Plays for Young Audiences, including, but not limited to, the rights to distribute, perform, copy or alter scripts. This limited license does not convey any performance rights of any kind with this material. By accepting any perusal script(s), Licensee agrees to and is bound by these terms.

2 CHARACTERS, a girl aged four, her brother, aged six THE HOT WATER BOTTLE [] A PENGUIN A NKEY MUM DAVE Under the Bed by Brendan Murray 1

3 THE PLAY BEGINS A BIG OLD BED AND TWO SMALL PEOPLE: AND. THEY TOSS AND TURN; EXCHANGE KICKS; PULL THE COVERS THIS WAY AND THAT WHILE AND FOR AS LONG AS IT TAKES THE AUDIENCE TO SETTLE. A DREAM OF MUM AND DAVE IN SPAIN A CLOCK STRIKES NINE AND THE DREAM FADES. SITS UP AND VES THE HOT WATER BOTTLE FROM THE MIDDLE OF THE BED TO HER SIDE. SHE LIES DOWN. SITS UP, THINKS BETTER OF IT AND LIES DOWN AGAIN. THEN SITS UP AND OPENS HER UTH TO SPEAK... Go to sleep. LIES DOWN BUT SITS BACK UP. When will mum be here? When we wake up. Yeah! Sshh! That's what Aunty Flo said. And then will we go home? Yeah. Yeah! You, me and mum. Yeah! And Dave. [BEAT] Yeah. Now go to sleep. THEY LIE DOWN. THEN SITS UP AND THROWS THE HOT WATER BOTTLE ONTO THE BED COVERS. Under the Bed by Brendan Murray 2

4 Not even tired. Just close your eyes. DOES SO, THEN OPENS THEM AS SUDDENLY. [SITTING UP] Agh! [SITTING UP] What? Bad dream. Not even asleep. Can't be asleep if there's a bad dream, can I? Ugh! LIES DOWN. PAUSE. Do you want the hot water bottle? [SITTING UP] Yeah. What do you say? Please....? Please may I have the hot water bottle? Ugh! [PAUSE. OPENS HER UTH TO SPEAK...] Go to sleep. [PAUSE.] Hungry. Should've eaten your tea. Under the Bed by Brendan Murray 3

5 Fish pie... [KEELING OVER]...Erch! [SITTING UP] Made us get told off. And that green stuff... Like snot. Shouldn't've said that. Snot yoghurt! Go to sleep. [PAUSE.] Thirsty. [ROLLING OVER] Ugh! PAUSE. DRINKS A PRETEND DRINK. Want some? Mm! It's gin and tonic. With some beer in. And a cherry. Don't put beer in gin and tonic. Just pretend. [SITTING UP] What did mum say? Don't know. Yes you do. Bringing me a present! She is. Not that. Under the Bed by Brendan Murray 4

6 Bringing me a penguin. Don't even have penguins in Spain. Cuddly ones they do. Mum said we have to do what Aunty Flo says - Not a real one! And Aunty Flo said Couldn't get a real one in her bag. Aunty Flo said Couldn't even get one in the aeroplane! She said "Straight to bed, the pair of you, and straight to sleep. Another peep and I'll tell your mum when she gets back." [BEAT] That was you. Fish pie... [KEELING OVER]... Erch! Anyway, mum's only bringing us a present if we've been good. So? So we've got to go to sleep or Aunty Flo'll tell mum we haven t been and then she won t. [PAUSE. OPENS HER UTH TO SPEAK...] Sleep. [ LIES DOWN.] [LYING DOWN] Anyway, you're not having a penguin; only me. Don't want a stupid penguin. Having a monkey. Not. Under the Bed by Brendan Murray 5

7 Am. PAUSE. SITS UP. Tell me a story. Supposed to be asleep. Please. Aunty Flo hears, she'll tell mum. Just a teeny-tiny story like a mouse. Tell me a story and I'll go asleep. Tell me a story and you can have the hot water bottle. [BEAT] Right then. FLINGS THE HOT WATER BOTTLE OUT OF THE BED. Right then; now I'm really not telling you a story. Right then; I don't even want you to tell me a story because I'm going to tell one all to myself and you can't even listen. [LYING DOWN] Right then. Right. PAUSE. Under the Bed by Brendan Murray 6

8 Don't even know one. Do. Go on, then. Er... Once upon a time... BLOWS A RASPBERRY. No! [PAUSE] Once upon a time... there was a queen... who has two children: a beautiful princess-daughter-child - the most beautiful in all the kingdom - and the other one was a brother... with a face like a dog's bottom. And his name is Jo. SITS UP. PAUSE. LIES DOWN. Anyway, one day the queen got married to a han... to a prin... to a man called Dave and they go away on a holiday honeymoon thing and during when they're not at home, the queen leaves the beautiful princess-daughter and the brother who looks like a dog's bottom... and smells like one!... [ SITS UP]... with a wicked old witch Oh, yeah? So why does the queen leave her children with a witch? [BEAT] Because she's a good witch. Just said she was wicked. Well...Sometimes she's a good witch and sometimes she's a bad witch... And sometimes she's a sandwich! Ugh! Anyway; not telling you. Not listening. Good. Under the Bed by Brendan Murray 7

9 LIES DOWN. PAUSE. So? So what? So what happens? So the witch only gives them fish pie for their tea and the princess can't even eat it because she's a true princess and when she goes to bed: "Oh, there must be a pea under this mattress thing; I'm black and blue." But no, there isn't. But she can't go asleep and the dogbottom brother won't even tell her a story though she be sore afraid because... What? Because... Because what? [BEAT] Because there's something under the bed. [BEAT] What? Something scary. Like what? An under-the-bed-scary-thing. [BEAT] So why doesn't she just go asleep? Because she can't... Because if you go asleep that's when it gets you. That's when it comes and gobbles you all up. Under the Bed by Brendan Murray 8

10 Yes. And when the mum-queen comes back, the princess gets a beautiful present: "Oh, it's a penguin; just what I wanted." But the dog-brother doesn't get anything, not even a monkey. The princess doesn't get anything, cos the queen doesn't love her anymore. Does. No; cos she's not a princess, anyway. She is. Anyway, dog-bottom doesn't get anything cos the queen never even comes back. [PAUSE] No; she does. She does. Just said she didn't. [BEAT] Anyway, she just does. And they both get presents. And they all live ever after. And that's the end. [PAUSE.] [LYING DOWN] Go to sleep. [BEAT] Can't. [BEAT] Why? [BEAT] Something under the bed. [SITTING UP] Can hear it. Can't. Can smell it. Liar. Why don't you look then, Mr Cleverclogs? Under the Bed by Brendan Murray 9

11 [BEAT] You look. I'm not looking. Cos there's nothing there. Because there is. There is. There's something under the bed. PAUSE. Wish mum was here. And I do. PAUSE. THEN A STRANGE WATERY SOUND. & Agh! Told you. THE SOUND AGAIN. & Agh!! All your fault. If you didn't make me keep awake I'd be asleep ages ago. And then you'd be all gobbled up, so it was really me saved your life. Yes. Wasn't. Under the Bed by Brendan Murray 10

12 & Was. So? So? [APPEARING] Excuse me. [DISAPPEARING] Agh! AND EMERGE FROM BENEATH THE COVERS. I was [BUT AND HAVE GONE AGAIN.] Oh, for goodness' sake! Anyone'd think you'd never seen a hot water bottle before. [ AND EMERGE AGAIN. LOOKS ARE EXCHANGED.] That's right; the very same hot water bottle as was pitched onto the floor not ten minutes ago. Now, I wouldn't normally mention it - I'm not one to make a fuss - only I've had a spot of back trouble lately you know, lumbago - and it's important to keep out of drafts. So if I could just... [ GETS ONTO THE BED]. Oh, yes. And if you could just... [POINTS TO A PILLOW WHICH FETCHES] And if you could just... [POINTS TO THE COVER WHICH FETCHES]. Lovely! [SETTLING DOWN] Well, then; I'll be saying good night. Good night. [BEAT] No! I beg You can't sleep here. Well that's nice, I must say! Didn't think it was a lot to ask: the cold bit down the bottom No It seems, however, I presume too much. You don't Under the Bed by Brendan Murray 11

13 I know when I'm not wanted. No! Cast cruelly out! It isn't that. Oh, isn't it? That isn't what it is. What is it, then? AND POINT UNDER THE BED. What? AND POINT RE URGENTLY. & What!? Sshh! [WHISPERED] There's something... [UTHED]...under the bed. Oh, is that all? LIES DOWN AND SITS UP IN ONE VEMENT. What sort of something? Something scary. You don't mean...? [ & NOD] And it's...? [ALL THREE POINT UNDER THE BED.] Have you seen it? Under the Bed by Brendan Murray 12

14 Well... We've heard it. Oh. And smelled it. Oh! [AFTER A BEAT] You know what I think? What? Well? I think we should all just close our eyes and go to sleep. [ LIES DOWN AND CLOSES HER EYES.] No! No? No! No? That's when it gets you. Is it? That's when it gobbles you all up. Oh! First it eats your toes. Then your feet. Then your ankles. Then your knees. Under the Bed by Brendan Murray 13

15 Then your Thank you. You can spare me the details. But that's what happens when you go to sleep. Then we shall simply have to stay awake. Yeah: stay awake and then we won't get gobbled. And when it's tomorrow, mum'll come and take us home. What do you reckon? Yeah! Yeah. Right. Right. Right. [PAUSE] I'm suddenly feeling... So am I... And I am... THEY START TO FALL ASLEEP... No! No! No? Under the Bed by Brendan Murray 14

16 AGAIN THEY START TO FALL ASLEEP No! No! No? ONCE RE THEY ARE ABOUT TO FALL ASLEEP... No! No! No? Oh, this is no good. We can't stay awake cos we re all too tired. And we can't go asleep cos of... [POINTS UNDER THE BED]... So why don't we just call Aunty Flo? Can't do that; get us into trouble. He's right. Grown-ups; they just don't understand. Call your Aunty Flo and she'll say: "Don't be silly now. There's nothing under the bed. Call me again and it'll be fish pie for breakfast." Ugh! You know her, then? Know her? Years I spent, clutched between those knees. And her feet! Like blocks of ice. Under the Bed by Brendan Murray 15

17 & & So what do we do? Can't call Aunty. Can't stay awake. Can't go asleep because... That's it! [BEAT] If we can't sleep here because of what's... [POINTS UNDER THE BED]... we shall just have to sleep somewhere else. Somewhere else? Where? Anywhere! The world is our oyster; the moon's a balloon, and I hear Bognor's very nice. Bognor? Oh, all right then, you decide. You mean...? Yes. Anywhere? Yes. Anywhere at all? Yes! Er... That's it; you take your time. [ASIDE] Could do with a break. Be nice. Get away. Have a rest. Under the Bed by Brendan Murray 16

18 Yeah. No rush. [ASIDE] Because it's not all lying in bed, you know, being a hot water bottle. Oh no. I mean, six months of every year and where are you? Upside down behind the bathroom door with your stopper out. I'm older than you. So? So I have to decide. When you're ready. [ASIDE] It's no life when you think about it. And that was in the good old days. Before the competition arrived. Before she got... The Electrolux. Yes. Thermostatically controlled. You know the sort of thing: all dials and flashing lights. Clicking on and off every five minutes. Anyway, I'm a girl and I can do this: [SOMETHING LOUD] Sshh! [QUIETLY] Not that I'm complaining. Just saying I could do with a break. So that means I have to decide. Yes. Doesn't. Under the Bed by Brendan Murray 17

19 Does. For goodness' sake! We can't make up our minds. I can! And where do you suggest? The North Pole. The North Pole? Anywhere you said. Did I? Oh suppose I did. Yeah! Aw... So where's the aeroplane? What aeroplane? We haven't got an aeroplane. No aeroplane? Then where's the boat? We haven't got a boat. No boat!? Then how do we get there? This was your idea. Was it? Suppose it was. Now, let me think... No aeroplane... No boat... Oh, well; just have to catch the bus. What bus? Under the Bed by Brendan Murray 18

20 This bus. This isn't a bus. It's a bed. A bed? A bed! Who ever heard of going to the North Pole on a bed? It hasn't got any wheels. I don't know; kids these days: it's want, want, want. So are you coming, or what? Well... Well? Well, all right, then. Very wise decision. You can't shilly-shally with busses. Let this one go; there might not be another one for ages. Do we have to pay? Just pretend. Hold on tight then. Ready? Steady? MUSIC! THEY PLAY AT BUSSES FOR A TIME. All right, all right: that's enough! [PAUSE.] Feel a bit sick. She's always sick on busses. Now they tell me... Don't think about it; you'll be fine. I was sick once. Under the Bed by Brendan Murray 19

21 Really? Really. Oh, well Ages ago when I was only little; just two or something I was two once. I was on a bus with mum Then I was three. And we were going along And now I'm four. When: Blaugh! Next I'm being six. All over mum. Not being five. And all over the seat. Cos that's when you go to school. And all over Do you think we could talk about something else? Feeling a bit queasy myself all of a sudden. PAUSE. Our mum got married and his name's Dave and they've went to Spain for a honeymoon thing and she's coming back tomorrow. Under the Bed by Brendan Murray 20

22 Fancy! Actually it's tonight, but And we've been staying with our Aunty Flo only she's not our real aunty. Is. No; cos really she's mum's aunty. So? So? So she's really a Great Aunty. [BEAT] Well, she's all right. Can't wait to get to the North Pole. It'll certainly make a change. And then we can go fast asleep. And when we wake up, mum'll be back. And Dave. Yeah. Bringing me a present. That's nice. Bringing me a penguin. From Spain? Unusual. Under the Bed by Brendan Murray 21

23 Bringing me a monkey. That's when she comes back. And if we've been good for Aunty Flo. Well you have been, haven't you? [BEAT] Sort of. Oh well, sort of good's not bad. Are we nearly there yet? Not feeling sick again are you? Feeling sleepy. So am I. Me too. But we mustn't fall asleep before we get there: miss our stop and who knows where we might end up? [BEAT] Shall I tell a joke? Now that's a good idea. Can't fall asleep if we're laughing, can we? Are you ready? Fire away. There are two monkeys having a bath Real ones? Yes. And one monkey says to the Monkeys don't talk! In jokes they do. And one monkey Under the Bed by Brendan Murray 22

24 Real ones, you said. Well anyway, they're real joke monkeys. [BEAT] Pgh! Go on. [BEAT] Forgotten now. There are two monkeys having a bath Yeah - it's my joke - and one monkey says to the other You re a cheeky monkey! What you doing in my bath? Listen Making bubbles with your bottom! Right! Not telling you. Aw; go on. No; keep spoiling it. Won't. Promise. Please. [BEAT] All right. There are two monkeys having a bath and one monkey says to the other monkey [ABOUT TO SPEAK, IS STOPPED BY A LOOK FROM.] One monkey says to the other monkey: "Ooo-oo-oo! Aah-ah-ah! And the other monkey says: "Well, if it s too hot; put some more cold water in." [BEAT] Oh, very good. Under the Bed by Brendan Murray 23

25 That the end? Yeah. Where's the bit that makes you laugh? Not really too hot just Ugh! PAUSE Are we nearly there? Not long now. Getting colder; can you feel? Yeah. Getting absolutely freezing. Look! There's Iceland. Fancy! That's where pizzas come from. It is. She thinks that pizzas come from Iceland! Now, she's only four; she's not to know. They do. Well Pizzas come from Tesco. [BEAT] Right then! Here we are! The North pole! Under the Bed by Brendan Murray 24

26 Are we really? [SPREADING A WHITE SHEET] See for yourself. So white... and cold... and Where's the penguins? What? The penguins? Er... Don't get penguins at the North Pole. No? Penguins only live at the South Pole, don't they? Well I suppose... I don't... Geography was never really my strong suit. Oh...Thought they'd be penguins. Never mind. Have a penguin of your own when your mum gets back. Yeah. [WITH AN IMAGINARY SNOWBALL] Here! Oh, look out! A SNOW BALL FIGHT BETWEEN AND WHO THEN TURN THEIR FIRE ON THE... Don't you dare... Ow! You little - Under the Bed by Brendan Murray 25

27 Freezing! Brrr! Best keep warm, then. THEY HUDDLE TOGETHER. Ever so sleepy. So am I. And I am. Can you hear anything? [LISTENING] Can you smell anything? [SNIFFING] Well then; I'll be saying good night.[lying DOWN] Good night. [LYING DOWN] Good night. Good - Agh! AND SIT UP. What is it? Heard something. THEY LISTEN. NOTHING. [LYING DOWN] Good night. [LYING DOWN] Good night. Under the Bed by Brendan Murray 26

28 Good - Agh! AND SIT UP. Now what? Smelled something. THEY SNIFF. NOTHING. [LYING DOWN] Good night. [LYING DOWN] Good night. [LYING DOWN] Good...night. A SOUND. THEY ALL SIT UP, TERRIFIED. What was that? Don't know. Do you think it's..? Might be. Are you..? AND NOD. So am I. Do you think we should..? AND NOD. So do I. But where? It's getting nearer. Under the Bed by Brendan Murray 27

29 Er... There isn't anywhere. Can hear it. Must be somewhere. Only snow. Can smell it. Snow and more snow. Feel it. Snow and snow and ALL Aaargh! I know! What? Well? Hide under the snow. You mean..? Then it won't see us. And we won't get all gobbled up. Come on, then. Quick! It's here! Under the Bed by Brendan Murray 28

30 TREMBLING, THEY COVER THEMSELVES WITH THE SHEET, AS A PENGUIN APPEARS, COMPOSING A POEM... PENGUIN Pescado... Pescado... Pescado dorado! [THE PENGUIN TRIES TO IGNORE THE SHAKING SHEET.] Pescado dorado... estoy enamorado! [THE SHEET BEGINS TO SLIP.] Pescado dorado, estoy enamorado... Under the Bed by Brendan Murray 29

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