EXCERPT FROM WILLING OBJECTS BY SERAFINA DONAHUE

Transcription

1 EXCERPT FROM WILLING OBJECTS BY JAMIE: Is it raining out? KATELYN: (KATELYN nodding, stripping off her wet jacket) It just started when I got on the bus. JAMIE: Where's your umbrella? KATELYN: I left it here. JAMIE: Don't you have an umbrella at work? Or one for every one of your little outfits? KATELYN: (rolling her eyes) Why would I have two umbrellas? JAMIE: What? I have one here at home, and one at work. KATELYN: Do all actresses lead such charmed lives? JAMIE: If they want to stay dry. Do all playwrights use newspapers instead of umbrellas? KATELYN: (melodramatically throwing the newspaper away) Only if we want to be bathed in the blood of words. JAMIE: Well that sounds like the old Katelyn I know. I thought you were going to be sobbing around forever. KATELYN: I was not moping! (JAMIE raises her eyebrows) I'm completely over it. JAMIE: You broke up with your boyfriend of three years. I remember because yesterday you sob screamed it at me when I asked if you were ever going to leave the shower in the morning. KATELYN: Okay, so I've had a few bad days, but I'm not thinking about... him... anymore. Both: (In catholic unison) May he not be named. KATELYN: And I'm fine!

2 JAMIE: You had a bad breakup. You don't have to be over it. KATELYN: I am though JAMIE: (Soothingly) I know, I know. (Changing the subject back) I guess I lost my umbrella, but I'll get it back eventually. So you see, even glamorous, slutty actresses like me have problems. (she poses like Marilyn Monroe). KATELYN: Yeah, really glamorous. There's a potato chip in your hair. (She kicks off her shoes and sets them by the door.) What do you mean, 'you'll get it back.' Did someone take it? JAMIE: I mean, I paid for an umbrella, so I'll find an umbrella. KATELYN: Come again? JAMIE: I mean I'm sure I'll find an umbrella, maybe even today. KATELYN: (incredulous) You mean you're going to steal someone's umbrella? JAMIE: No, I'm going to find my umbrella. That someone else lost. KATELYN: That's stealing. JAMIE: It's an umbrella, it's not stealing. They flow free, like currency. KATELYN: No, someone else purchased them, they don't belong to you. JAMIE: Well by that logic I don't have any umbrellas. And yet, I am dry. Astounding. KATELYN: (laughing) You little thief! No wonder you can't get a boyfriend! JAMIE: Who wants a boyfriend? All they do is cheat and leave, like my dad. And like your ex. KATELYN: Yeah right. So explain this umbrella buisness again?

3 JAMIE: Okay, so you're in a cab, it rained earlier that day. But now it's not raining, it's sunny, it's great, you love it. You see inside the cab is an umbrella, very nice. It starts to rain outside, very hard. You ask the cabbie, 'is this umbrella yours' cabbie says no, you take the umbrella, is it your umbrella now? KATELYN: No! Because the person who lost the umbrella now doesn't have an umbrella. They are umbrella less in the vast sea of the city. JAMIE: No they're not. Today they walk home wet. Tomorrow: Boom! Umbrella on the early subway. KATELYN: You don't know that! JAMIE: It's not a one to one system, okay? It's a web, an international web... an umbrella community keeping the whole world dry. KATELYN: (In her best kindergarten teacher voice) What you're advocating is stealing, Jamie. JAMIE: It's not stealing, it's a nationwide lending program. The umbrella wants to be used. KATELYN: It's stealing. When you take it you're saying: 'I don't care about other people's property'. JAMIE: (Interrupting) No, what I'm saying is: ' Sorry you lost your umbrella, sure would hate for it to get thrown in the dumpster. Hope someone used the umbrella I lost in the ladies bathroom. Last week, I lost an umbrella, and someday I'm sure to find another, proving that free radicals can sometimes collide in this crazy world. KATELYN: You're a thief! JAMIE: That umbrella I lost last week: forty five dollars that cost me.

4 KATELYN: Jesus! JAMIE: But I'm not worried, because it wasn't a waste. I was just buying an umbrella for someone else, and someone else was buying one for me. KATELYN: That's not how the world works. We all buy umbrellas and keep them ourselves. JAMIE: Wow, who knew you would be so hard line on umbrella theft. KATELYN: Have to be hardline on something. Where do you even get a forty five dollar umbrella? Chanel? JAMIE: Where did you get your umbrella? KATELYN: (Rolling her eyes) It was free on my college tour. JAMIE: (laughs) Katelyn! It's been years since you left college, and you're still not gonna be ready when it rains. I'm surprised you don't have some twee little thing from modcloth. KATELYN: Why spend more than five dollars on an umbrella? It's just an umbrella. JAMIE: And that, my friend, is your problem. KATELYN: Don't make this a metaphor about my character, it's your character that's in question here. JAMIE: (laughing) I'm just saying the rules don t apply to certain objects. Like, okay you're at the DMV, it's empty KATELYN: (breezily) What part of candyland are you from again, Jamie? JAMIE: (continuing) you're sitting in one of those blue plastic chairs, it's so awful, and you look down at the attached plastic side table and low and behold, between the pamphlet for safe driving and the national geographic

5 KATELYN: (Going into the kitchen to get a glass of water) What fancy DMV are you going to that has National Geographic? You know what my DMV has? Syphilis. JAMIE: I'm painting a picture. So you look at the table and low and behold, right next to the used syphilis needles, there's a pen! Not a shitty pen like a bic with a spoon taped to it, and not a very nice mont blanc. A gel pen, a Pilot G 2. Nice, but not too nice. KATELYN: Those are nice pens. JAMIE: And you take it and fill out your dismal little form or whatever, and slip the pen in your pocket. Your pen. You found it. KATELYN: See this is why I hate living in a city. People steal from you and they don't even care. You make a mistake, forget something for a second and boom, what you had is gone. JAMIE: No, you hate living in this city because A) You can't see the big picture to see what's stealing, and what isn't and B) You don't know how to steal and get away with it, so you mask it with this superiority, like you're oh so much better. See how far that gets you.