6/17/11. Crucial Conversations. Crucial Conversation

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1 Crucial Conversation Crucial Conversations Frances E. Kendall, Ph.D. May 2011 According to Patterson et al, a crucial conversation a discussion between two or more people has three components: 1. The stakes are high 2. Opinions vary 3. Emotions run strong Given those components, where might conversations on race fit in? Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High Frances E. Kendall, Ph.D Dialogue At the core of every successful conversation lies the free flow of relevant information. People openly and honestly express their opinions, share their feelings, and articulate their theories. They willingly and capably share their views, even when their ideas are controversial or unpopular. Dialogue: The free flow of meaning between two or more people. Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, p. 20 Creating a Pool of Shared Meaning Each of us enters conversations with our own opinions, feelings, theories and experiences. This unique combination of thoughts and feelings makes up our personal pool of meaning. When two or more of us enter into crucial conversations, by definition we don t share the same pool. People who are skilled at dialogue do their best to make it safe for everyone to add their meaning to the shared pool Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High p. 21 Frances E. Kendall, Ph.D Frances E. Kendall, Ph.D

2 Steps in Beginning Dialogue Start with You Steps in Beginning Dialogue Start with You Focus on what you really want examining your motives and if you find yourself slipping out of dialogue and into some other, less positive mode, ask yourself some questions. What do I want for myself? What do I want for others? What do I want for the relationship? And very importantly, ask, How would I behave if I really wanted these results? If you start getting hooked by folks who are not necessarily following these steps of dialogue, keep returning to the questions. It helps you: Find your bearings Take charge of your body Frances E. Kendall, Ph.D Frances E. Kendall, Ph.D Dialogue Deviations So when we ve decided to step up to (or find yourself about to enter) a crucial conversation, our intentions start out pretty well. We can, however get sidetracked and fall into some lessthan-helpful deviations: Wanting to win Seeking revenge Hoping to remain safe More on Dialogue Move away from either-or thinking and try to move toward both-and. 1. Clarify what you want 2. Clarify what you don t want 3. Present your brain with a more complex problem. Adapted from Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High p. 40 Frances E. Kendall, Ph.D Frances E. Kendall, Ph.D

3 Being Aware Paying attention to safety keeping your eyes open because at any given time a normal conversation turns into a crucial one. When it s safe, the free flow of meaning (dialogue) can happen. When it s unsafe, emotions get heightened and we shift from our mature, thought-filled brain to our fight-or-flight mode. When that starts to happen, alarm bells should start blaring in your head. At that point, being able to step back and notice what s happening and try to return to dialogue. When Safety is Lost According to Patterson et al, once people feel unsafe, they take one of two paths: Silence: withholding meaning from the pool or Violence: trying to force meaning into the pool. Frances E. Kendall, Ph.D Frances E. Kendall, Ph.D Silence Consists of any act to purposefully withhold information from the pool of meaning. Three most common forms of silence: Masking understating or selectively showing our true opinions Avoiding steering completely away from sensitive subjects. We talk, but without addressing the real issues. Withdrawing pulling out of the conversation altogether. We either exit the conversation or we exit the room. Violence Violence consists of any verbal strategy that attempts to convince, control or compel others to your point of view. It violates safety by trying to force meaning into the pool. Three most common forms: Controlling consists of coercing others to your way of thinking, either through forcing your ideas on others or dominating the conversation. Labeling putting a label on people or ideas so we can dismiss them under a general stereotype or category. Attacking movement from winning the argument to making the person suffer (belittling, threatening). Frances E. Kendall, Ph.D Frances E. Kendall, Ph.D

4 Re-establishing Safety So Now What Do We Do? Step out, make it safe, then step back in. Stepping out means not getting caught up in the content of the discussion, not what is being said, but what is the context, that is the conditions under which it is being said. Notice which of two conditions of safety is at risk. Mutual Purpose Mutual Respect Frances E. Kendall, Ph.D Conditions of Safety Mutual Purpose others perceive that we are working toward a common outcome in the conversation, that we care about their goals, interests, values; and we believe they care about ours. Q. How can you tell when mutual purpose is at risk? When people start taking positions and forcing opinions into the pool of meaning. Questions to ask ourselves: do others believe I care about their goals in this conversation? Do they trust my motives? Conditions of Safety (Cont d) Mutual respect if people perceive that others don t respect them, the conversation becomes unsafe for them and dialogue shuts down. Sometimes you share a common objective, a mutual purpose, for the conversation, but it can still go south if you exhibit disrespect for the person(s) you re talking to. How can you tell is respect is violated? The person can become highly charged and emotions can turn from fear to anger. Questions to ask ourselves: do others believe respect them? Frances E. Kendall, Ph.D Frances E. Kendall, Ph.D

5 What to Do Once You Step Out? Once you ve observed that either mutual purpose or mutual respect is at risk, what can you do? Apologize Contrast CRIB Patterson et al, pp Apologize an apology is a statement that sincerely expresses your sorrow for your role in causing or at least not preventing pain or difficulty to others. This can get particularly tricky in conversations about race. Apologies based in guilt or other emotions often come off as inauthentic. Frances E. Kendall, Ph.D Frances E. Kendall, Ph.D Contrasting a don t/do statement that: Addresses others concerns that you don t respect them or that you have a malicious purpose (the don t part); Confirms your respect or clarifies your real purpose (the do part) CRIB Commit to seek mutual purpose Recognize the purpose behind the strategy Invent a mutual purpose Brainstorm new strategies Frances E. Kendall, Ph.D RS-1395 Frances Week E. Kendall, Seven, Ph.D. Fall