Wipes Clean in Seconds! Written by. Robert j. Lee

Transcription

1 Wipes Clean in Seconds! Written by Robert j. Lee Patreon.com/2pagesaweek.com

2 EXT. SUBURBAN STREET, SIDEWALK - DAY WINWARD (40ish, tired, cheap suit) is walking door to door carrying a large suitcase. Hair, clothes, and cars indicate that we are in the late 60s EXT. DOORSTEP 01 Rupert knocks on the door of a nice suburban home. It's answered by an unseen inhabitant. The door SLAMS close. Good morning, ma'am. Aren't we having some lovely late summer weather? Did you know that in the course of a year the average domestic carpet- EXT. DOORSTEP 02 We see Rupert again, as the door opens. SLAM. Good morning, ma'am. Aren't we having some lovely late summer weather? EXT. DOORSTEP 03 Another doorstep. The same patter. SLAM.... in the course of a year the average domestic carpet accumulates more than three pounds of dirt?

3 2. EXT. DOORSTEP 04 Rupert now has his suitcase open showing several glass bottles of pink liquid....more than three pounds of dirt? Sounds like a lot doesn't it? I'm from The Hygieia domestic cleaning company, our products are guaranteed to eliminate that dirt in a fraction of the time demanded by conventional cleaning methods. The HOUSEWIFE (30s) at the door is barely listening. (cont'd) How about a demonstration? As soon as you see the results on your own carpet you'll- HOUSEWIFE Sorry, I don't live here. This isn't my house. She closes the door. Rupert looks dejected. EXT. PARK - DAY Rupert is sitting at a park bench eating a cheese sandwich. His suitcase on the bench next to him. EXT. SUBURBAN STREET, HOUSE Rupert is standing in front of the last house in the street. Come on, Rupert. One more house. One sale. "Lovely late summer weather. Lovely late summer weather." He walks up the path and knocks on the door. The door is answered by (30s, dressed comfortably, a cigarette in her mouth). (cont'd) Good afternoon, Ma'am. Lovely slate weiner slather we're having...

4 3. What? I... Did you know that in the course of a year the average domestic carpet accumulates more than three pounds of dirt? (Uninterested) Wow. That's a lot. It is! I'm from The Hygieia domestic cleaning company, our products are guaranteed to eliminate that dirt in a fraction of the time demanded by conventional- Come in then. Mary takes a final drag on her cigarette and flicks it away into the garden. Methods of... Mary disappears into the house, leaving the door open. Rupert tentatively follows her inside. INT. HOUSE, KITCHEN/DINING ROOM Mary and Rupert both enter the kitchen. Rupert places his suitcase on the table and opens it. He takes out a square of carpet, a brush and a demo bottle of cleaner. This is a square of regular domestic carpet. As you can see it's not dissimilar to the carpet in your lovely home. Mary turns the oven gas on. Rupert splashes some cleaner onto the carpet square and starts brushing it.

5 4. (cont'd) Household dirt has a uniquely detrimental effect on the carpet's fibres. In fact scientific studies have shown that nearly half of all carpets are affected a mould carrying fungus caused by dirt. The carpet cleaner is forming a white foam. Mary opens the oven door, gets on her hands and knees and sticks her head in the oven. He finally notices Mary. (cont'd) Luckily our products contain Triclosan, which chemists acknowledge offers the best means of maintaining carpet fibre- Ma'am! (cont'd) He rushes to her, yanks her out of the oven and turns the gas off. (cont'd) WHAT?... What did you do that for? She just starts laughing. Her laugh turns into a cough. LATER A kettle boils on the stove top. Rupert takes it and pours two cups of tea. He takes the teas to the table where we see Mary is now sitting. She is looking at Rupert's business card. Rupert places the cups on the table and sits opposite Mary. Rupert Winward... Not the same Rupert Winward who wrote Murder on Mars and Space Madness? Yes well... My writing career took a bit of a nose dive in recent years. Although it never really had far to dive...

6 5. Thank you for the tea. So what was that all about? If you don't mind my asking. She takes a sip of her tea. It seems to relax her. Do you know what a computer is, Mr. Winward? I don't mean human computers, I mean automated electronic computers. Yes. I've read about them. Exciting stuff if you ask me. I work with them. They are very impressive. I imagine they'll make people in my profession obsolete one day. Do you mind if I smoke? Not at all. What exactly is your profession, ma'am? I'm a physicist. And call me Mary. She takes a cigarette and put it in her mouth. (cont'd) We have these new computers at the institute. Rooms full of them. All working away 24 hours a day. Rupert lights Mary's cigarette with a match. She takes a long drag of it before continuing. (cont'd) We've been inputting programs into these things for months now and today it just hit me. I got a glimpse of the future. What did you see?

7 6. They're going to advance beyond our comprehension, these computers. The programs we create will get more and more complex. Eventually there will be a computer program with the complexity of the human mind. A conscious program. Artificial intelligence? You think it's a possibility? I think it's an inevitability. Humanity will be able to run simulations in which the programs experience life as though it's completely real. They won't even know they're simulated.... You really think we'll survive long enough to reach this... Post-human stage? I think it's likely. We are a tenacious species Mr. Winward. Rupert leans back in his chair, thinking about the idea. It's certainly an interesting idea but I fail to see why it might lead you to... You know. With the oven. The nature of infinity Mr. Winward. It's more likely to occur than not, and if it's likely to occur, infinity dictates that it probably already has. Ergo... She wants him to complete the thought. She nods. We... We're living in a computer simulation now?

8 7. (cont'd) I... I mean... I don't know much about manufacturing computing programs but if that were true wouldn't there be some kind of fail safe? Like wouldn't we be programmed not to figure it out? Or to have the memory deleted if we do? That's what I think was happening with the oven. My program was deleting itself. It all seems too much for Rupert to deal with. (cont'd) Look, I'm sorry to lay all of this on you. I feel bad. She looks at his suitcase on the table next to them. (cont'd) Tell you what. I'll buy three bottles of that stuff and keep an offer open to come and talk to me about it if you ever want to. Oh you don't need to do that. He looks at her, then at the suitcase full of unsold bottles. EXT. SUBURBAN STREET, HOUSE Rupert carries his suitcase down the path to the sidewalk. Mary closes the door. INT. SMALL OFFICE - EVENING MR LEVITT (big fat guy, short-sleeves, loose tie) sits behind a desk in the cramped office, chomping a cigar and reading a newspaper. Rupert walks in and offers a sad nod as a greeting. MR LEVITT Evenin' Rupert. Bit more luck today I hope.

9 8. Rupert puts the suitcase on Levitt's desk and hands him a small invoice book. Afraid not Mr. Levitt. Another bust. Not a bottle sold. Levitt flicks through the invoice book. (cont'd) Look Mr. Levitt. I appreciate the opportunity but I'm beginning to think that maybe I'm not cut out for this. Levitt notices something in the book. He opens the suitcase to check out the contents. (cont'd) It's been four days without a single sale. I just think I don't have a salesman's personality or the flair for- MR LEVITT You've sold three bottles....i beg your pardon? MR LEVITT Three bottles sold today to a Mary Burnett. The money's here, the invoice is filled out. That's impossible! Rupert takes the invoice book and looks at it. (cont'd) That's my handwriting... Who on Earth is Mary Burnett? MR LEVITT Search me but she bought three bottles. I... I have absolutely no memory of that.

10 9. Levitt pats Rupert on the shoulder. MR LEVITT Maybe you should get some sleep, Rupert. Yes... Yes. Rupert looks a little dazed. Like a part of his memory has been erased. --- Become a patron for exclusive scripts and extras