The Van Trip. from Seniors Centerstage By Gail Blanton

Transcription

1 Lillenas Drama Presents The Van Trip from Seniors Centerstage By Gail Blanton Theme: Just for fun Characters: BONNIE and RAY (driver) front seats GREG (senior adult minister), FAYE, and DORCAS second seat AILEEN, FLORA, and CARRIE third seat FARLEY, CHARLES, and ELOISE fourth seat MILDRED, RACHEL, and NELL fifth seat (GREG is the only one who is not a senior.) Setting: The seniors have met at the church parking lot to load up the van and travel to the beach. The vehicle can be made by placing chairs in the formation of a 15-passenger van and a small trailer behind. The steering wheel can be imaginary or a real one attached to something that allows it to turn. The side doors can be imaginary, but try to have the chairs on a narrow platform simulating the width of a van and the correct height above stage level. Much comedy can be achieved in the physical business of climbing in and sliding past one another, and so on. All actors are on stage except GREG and BONNIE. The group can sing songs at intervals between the dialogue if you like. Props: Luggage Tote bags Bags of food, drinks, cups, and so on. One bottle of juice needs to be brown glass. (The scene opens with the last piece of luggage being loaded. Actors can improvise lines during this, depending on what is being loaded, and so on. Ladies carry tote bags, food, and such on the van with them as they are seated. RAY, the driver, is checking out mechanical things.) DORCAS: I m getting on and get this second seat. I can t ride in the back; it makes me sick. CARRIE: Save me a seat. DORCAS: I m not saving anybody a seat. They can get their own or do without.

2 NELL (getting in back seat): I don t want to sit with Dorcas anyway. She wants that air blowing right in her face. DORCAS: Well, I get claustrophobia if I can t feel the air stirring. FLORA: Are we all here? AILEEN: Everybody but Greg, I think. FLORA: These young people! No respect for time. RAY: Everything looks good. Where s our fearless minister? RACHEL: I don t know, Honey. Maybe Pastor Wilbanks called him on the carpet again. MILDRED: Probably trying to tell him how to deal with us. RACHEL: We re going to go ahead and load up. FAYE: I don t want to sit in the back! RACHEL: Oh, I ll sit back there. (Kisses RAY on his cheek) Drive carefully. MILDRED: Me too. I don t mind. FARLEY: Me too. (But MILDRED spreads out with her tote, food bag, and so on so that there is only room for three on the back seat, rather than four. FARLEY takes the fourth row but stays on the outside near MILDRED and makes others crawl over him toward the window. All other actors who are onstage enter the van.) DORCAS: OK, let s get going. CHARLES: Here comes Greg. AILEEN: Where have you been? We re waiting for you. GREG: Waiting? We said leave at 8:30, and it s 8:25. FLORA: Well, you don t wait till the last minute to come. That s trifling. GREG: OK, I m going to remind you about that when I let you off at the outlet stores. RAY: This is your first trip with us. You ll catch on. BONNIE (comes rushing up): Am I late? Well, here s my bag. While you re loading that I m going to run in and give Pastor Wilbanks these brownies I made for him. (RAY goes to back to load her bag.) GREG: Hey, did you bring me any brownies?

3 BONNIE: No, not this time. GREG: Whenever you bring the preacher some you re supposed to bring me some too. BONNIE: Well, you know, the preacher hugs me. (Hurries off) GREG (calls): Sure, I ll hug and kiss you on the mouth if you ll bring me brownies. MILDRED: You know, I told the preacher his old beard gave me the chills when he hugged me. I never should have said that. Now he hugs me every time he sees me and laughs about it. NELL: You know he only grew it for the Easter pageant. MILDRED: Easter was three months ago! GREG: Well, he s a busy man. FARLEY: I don t have a beard, Mildred. MILDRED: So what? DORCAS: Let s go so we can get some air in here. GREG: Have we had prayer yet? AILEEN: No. (RAY returns and sits in driver s seat. GREG stands at the seat beside him.) GREG: Listen up, everybody. Let s have a prayer for a safe trip. Dear Heavenly Father, we thank You for this beautiful day and DORCAS: I m gonna get out of here if they don t get this thing started! GREG: and we ask You to keep us safe and give us a good time of fellowship together. In Jesus name, amen. DORCAS: Amen! Start this sucker and give me some air. (RAY starts the imaginary engine.) BONNIE (returns and speaks to GREG): Do you mind if I sit up here? I feel safer. GREG: No ma am; I don t mind. FLORA: OK, everybody. Scripture says we are living stones, and rolling stones gather... ALL: No moss! FLORA: We are on the go and in the know... ALL: On with the show!

4 DORCAS: On with the air! RAY: It s on. Open your vent. ELOISE: Oh dear, I hope the van doesn t break down. RAY: All right, here we go. CHARLES: We re off, like a dirty shirt. GREG: Why don t you get a new joke, Charles? CHARLES: Why don t you get us a new van? GREG: Ah, you can t eat in a new van. FAYE: Speaking of food, somebody pass me something to eat. CARRIE: Oh Faye, we re not even out to the interstate yet. FAYE: I don t care. I didn t have any breakfast. FARLEY: Are we going to stop for breakfast, Aileen? AILEEN: Not at 8:30 in the morning, we re not. You should have eaten long ago. FARLEY: I tried to get Mildred to invite me over for breakfast. AILEEN: Anyway, I m not in charge on this trip. I got it together, and now it s up to Greg. Lord help im. (The three on the back seat begin pouring themselves something to drink. It is juice from a brown bottle.) GREG: Nah, I won t have to worry about you like I do my youth group. FLORA: How do you know? ELOISE: Oh dear, I hope nothing bad happens to any of us. CHARLES: Hey, these women are drinking back here. DORCAS: Is it in a Mason jar? CHARLES: No. DORCAS: Then it s all right. CHARLES: But it s in a brown jug. RACHEL: It s too bad Henry wasn t well enough to come with us, Nell. NELL: I know. He used to love these trips. RACHEL: Who s staying with him? NELL: He s staying with our son and daughter-in-law. He s gotten so cantankerous nobody but family would put up with him.

5 FAYE: Really? He was the sweetest man in the world. NELL: Used to be. You try to reason with him now, and it s Katie, bar the door. Grumbles and argues with me day and night. MILDRED: That s hard on you after a while, I guess. NELL: You can t imagine. He uses swear words now something he s never done. Even when people from the church are there. FARLEY: Henry? AILEEN: Boy, you needed this break. How do you deal with all that without going crazy? NELL: Well, number 1, I pray a lot; and number 2, I turn off my hearing aids. ELOISE: Oh dear, I hope nothing happens to him while we re gone. MILDRED: Does anyone want some grapes? FAYE (reaches overhead and closes the air vent): Nah, save em till tonight, and we ll stomp em into something good. RAY: I do. (They pass up a cluster. BONNIE takes them and passes them to RAY, but he can t seem to break off any with one hand.) BONNIE: Do you want me to get them for you? RAY: Please. BONNIE (passes him a small bunch he can eat from): Hey, Rachel, I m feeding your husband grapes. RACHEL: I don t care. BONNIE: Don t you want to sit up here and do it? RACHEL: No, I wait on him enough at home. FARLEY: Want me to feed you some grapes, Mildred? MILDRED: No, I do not. GREG: Hey, did any of you see X-Files last night? FLORA: No, I watched Jeopardy and went to bed. CHARLES: Me too. AILEEN: I don t watch TV that much. DORCAS: Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, that s good. Speaking of medicine, I m going to pass out if you don t quit closing this vent, Faye.

6 FAYE (ignores her): I like Lawrence Welk. (DORCAS opens vent.) CARRIE: I like the old movies on AMC the good ones, not trash. I was never allowed to go to the movies as a child, so they re a real treat for me. BONNIE: Where are we going to stop for lunch? Can we stop at Hardee s? AILEEN: We usually stop at a cafeteria so people will have a bigger choice. BONNIE: Will there be a Hardee s nearby? GREG: We don t know. BONNIE: Well, let s just stop at Hardee s this time. GREG: Why? BONNIE: Well, because I have a coupon. AILEEN: Do you have enough coupons for everybody? BONNIE: Well... no. AILEEN: Then forget it. ELOISE: Oh dear, what if we can t find a place to eat? CARRIE: That s impossible, Eloise. Can we make a pit stop? RAY: A little later. CARRIE: How much later do you think later will be? BONNIE: Big Lots store! Big Lots store! Stop! GREG: We re not stopping at Big Lots. Now listen, everybody. By the time we have lunch and get there, we ll only have time for one thing today. I ll take a group to the outlets, a group to bingo, and a group to the beach. So be making your choice now. After that it s back to dinner and the motel for the night. FAYE: Just don t check my room at night. I m going to go off and do something bad. CHARLES: Well, you have to watch where you go. You might run into some of the rest of us. GREG: I want you ladies to stick together and be careful when I drop you off. Be wary of strangers. FLORA: Don t worry; we only talk to the good-looking ones. The others, we pretend we re deaf. AILEEN: Or crazy.

7 ELOISE: Oh dear, what if someone gets kidnapped? DORCAS: Don t worry, Greg. We won t get into too much trouble. GREG: You ladies are a mess. CARRIE: Don t we know it? GREG: And you re planning to go back to church on Sunday, just like always. You act entirely different on Sundays. AILEEN: Doesn t everybody? MILDRED: You don t think we have a life outside the church? FARLEY: Don t let them fool you, Greg. It s all talk. GREG: I hope so. CARRIE: We ll see about that. But I m warning all of you, keep your monkey business away from our dear newsletter editor. Eloise is back here making notes as fast as she can. ELOISE: Shhhhh! RAY: Wanna go to the outlets, Farley? There s a Bass Pro Shop. FARLEY: Wherever Mildred wants to go. RACHEL: Oh Farley, why don t you leave Mildred alone? FARLEY: How long do you think I have to make this courtship work, at my age? MILDRED: It s not a courtship! FARLEY: What is it then? MILDRED: It s ridiculous is what it is. NELL: Ray, this car is trying to pass you back here. RAY: Well he can t right now. MILDRED: He s honking his horn. RAY: Ah, let him be. If he was in a hurry he should have left sooner. ELOISE: Greg, when we get back to [your town], we want to stop by the mortuary on the way home. GREG: Why? Who died? ELOISE: We don t know. We just want to stop and see if there s anybody there we know. FAYE: You re freezing me to death.

8 CHARLES: I ll swap with you, Faye. I m burning up. I think it s from sitting beside Farley and his thoughts. ELOISE: Anybody want any trail mix? (The trail mix goes around while CHARLES and FAYE swap seats. Try to have some funny business and ad lib as they crawl and lurch to new places.) DORCAS: If anybody sees a sign that says, Body Piercing, let me know. That s what I m gonna do tomorrow night get my body pierced. GREG: What? DORCAS: I haven t decided what yet. ELOISE: Oh dear, what if it gets infected? GREG: I can t believe you re talking about that. DORCAS: Hey, my son told me, Don t save anything for us; we don t need it. Have fun; go places; do things. GREG: Somehow I don t think that s what he meant. DORCAS: Trust me, he ll never see it. RACHEL: What about these kids with rings in their noses? How would you blow your nose? BONNIE: Speaking of noses, did you know they re nosing around trying to divide our Sunday School class again? CARRIE: I wish they would stop that! It just messes everything up. GREG: What does it mess up? CARRIE: All our parties and dinners for the sick and bereaved. FLORA: That s right. We all know who cooks what best, and we all know what we re supposed to bring. Then they mix us all up, and it s a regular culinary catastrophe. We always end up wishing things were like they used to be. FARLEY: Sounds like the Israelites wanting to go back to Egypt. AILEEN: Just listen to Pharaoh. FARLEY: Nope, listen to Grady Stokes. He s the ruler of Sunday School. CARRIE: May have to take a ruler to him. AILEEN: Why don t they consult us about these things? It s like our opinions don t count. CHARLES: Or like we re out in never-never land and don t even have one.

9 FAYE: I hate it when somebody assumes I don t know what s best for me and tries to humor me into something. FLORA: Me too. I just want them to realize we re clear-thinking adults. I don t want them to think about us like they do old Senator Strom Thurmond. CARRIE: No, but I tell you one thing: If I ever need an organ transplant, I hope I get one of his! (General comments of agreement.) DORCAS: Did you turn the air off? RAY: No, you re just getting excited thinking about body piercing and new organs. GREG: You better watch it, Ray. She s close enough to hit you. RAY: Ah, when you get to be our age, you can say anything you want to. MILDRED: Speaking of changing things, I can t stand it when they change the tune of an old song. All of a sudden it s a whole new song. God gave it to the man that way, and they ought to leave it alone. FARLEY: Well, you ll just have to tell someone in charge. MILDRED: Oh, I hate to be seen as a complaining old woman. CHARLES: If you have a complaint, there s no way to announce it except to complain it. ELOISE: Oh dear, what if we complain too much? BONNIE: Eloise, relax and enjoy yourself. Why do you worry so much? NELL: It s her spiritual gift. CARRIE: Well, I wish she d wrap it back up. ELOISE: Well, you never know what will happen. CHARLES: What if you did know? It would scare you so bad you d shut down. That s why we can t predict the future. CARRIE: I can predict the future of this row if we don t stop for a potty break. RAY: OK, I ll watch for a place. GREG: Good. Look for a place with a phone. FLORA: What do you need a phone for? GREG: You know what we do when one of the youth won t behave. We stop and call his parents, and they have to come get him. RAY: Uh-oh, somebody s in trouble.

10 AILEEN: Now Greg, you can t report us and send us home. We are our parents. GREG: No, I m going to call somebody to come and get me. I don t think I m going to be able to keep up with you guys. FLORA: Probably not. But don t chicken out now. We ve only just begun. RAY: OK, rest stop. Everybody back on in 10 minutes. MILDRED: My stars, Ray, it takes us 10 minutes just to get off. (They all pile out, ad-libbing. RAY and GREG help the ladies down onto a stool and then to stage level.) ELOISE: Do you think Greg meant what he said? FLORA: Oh, of course not. He s just kidding around. (All exit except GREG, who checks to see they are all gone and then starts dialing the phone as fast as he can.) The purchase of this sketch entitles the purchaser to make photocopies of this material for use in their church or nonprofit organization. The sharing of this material with other churches or organizations not owned or controlled by the original purchaser is strictly prohibited. The contents of this sketch may not be reproduced in any other form without written permission from the publisher. Please include the copyright statement found below on each copy made. All Scripture quotations are from the New American Standard Bible (NASB), 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. Questions? Please write, call, or Lillenas Publishing Company Phone: drama@lillenas.com Drama Resources Fax: Web Site: P.O. Box Kansas City, MO The sketch collection Seniors Centerstage (MP-802) is available for purchase from Lillenas Drama or from your local Christian bookstore. For a full description of the rest of this collection, or to purchase other individual sketches, refer to