Look Mom, I Got a Job!

Transcription

1 Look Mom, I Got a Job! by T. James Belich T. James Belich tjamesbelich@gmail.com

2 Look Mom, I Got a Job! by T. James Belich CHARACTERS (M), an aspiring actor with a less-than-inspiring job (F), his upstairs neighbor and an avid jogger THE, an obnoxious child * BERNIE (M), Gus' less-than-sanitary co-worker (F) indicates a female role (M) indicates a male role Total Roles: 4 (1 female, 2 male, 1 male or female) * THE may be doubled with BERNIE as an offstage voice SET REQUIREMENTS No set is required. However, a zoo setting complete with animal cage may be used, if desired.

3 1. (The lights come up on, who is dressed as a gorilla. He sits drinking a cup of coffee. His head or mask is currently removed. enters dressed in a jogging outfit. She passes by, does a double-take, then stops and laughs.) Gus? Gus, is that really you? ( grunts and laughs even more.) Oh that is too funny! (She continues to laugh.) Do that gorilla thing again. Forget it, Kari. Come on. (Slight pause. grunts a couple more times. is in hysterics.) That is the funniest thing I've ever seen. Are you done? ( continues to laugh, then stops.) Yeah, all done. What are you doing, anyway? Going to work. Is this the new job? What's the play? There is no play. (Not listening) Are you King Kong? That is so cool. Wait until I tell everyone I live upstairs from King Kong. I'm not King Kong. It's not a play.

4 2. It's not an acting job? I thought you were an actor. You told me you were an actor. I am. It's a special job, OK? OK. Banana? Are you kidding me? Come on, it's funny. Hilarious. So do you want it? (She fumbles in her bag and pulls out a banana.) (Slight pause, then takes the banana and starts to eat it. starts stretching.) So what are you doing? Just going for a run. Why a gorilla? ( grunts in understanding.) I told you, I'm on my way to work. But where? You've got to tell me, dressed like that. I can't. Why not?

5 3. I'm not even supposed to let people see me in costume outside of work. So you never saw me, all right? Like I could forget this. I'm serious. OK, fine. But this is just so cool. Hardly. It is. Who else gets to dress up like a gorilla for work? You've got to tell me why. Please? Will you stop bothering me if I do? You bet. And you'll keep this to yourself? Sure. The zoo. (Slight pause) The zoo what? Oh! Do you make those balloon animals? I love those. Can you make one for me? I don't make balloon animals, Kari. Then what do you do?

6 4. I'm the gorilla. What do you mean you're the gorilla? I mean, I'm the gorilla. Which gorilla? The gorilla. ( stares at him blankly.) The zoo doesn't have a gorilla, so I dress up like a gorilla and hang out in the gorilla cage. I'm the gorilla. But the zoo does have a gorilla. I've seen her. Gertrude, Gertrude the gorilla. I'm Gertrude. You're Gertrude? I'm Gertrude. ( laughs uncontrollably.) Shut up. It's not that funny. Yes it is! (Still laughing) I've got to get to work. Thanks for the banana. Can I watch? No!

7 5. Please? After all that? Come on, you've got to admit, it's funny. Not when you're the one in the gorilla suit. I guess. Do all actors do stuff like this? Only when they're as broke as I am. Oh. Do you need money? I've got some... (She starts digging around in her pockets.) I don't want your money. I've still got my dignity. (Quickly) Don't say it. I wasn't going to. Look, I really need to go. I'll see you later, Kari. (He gets up.) I promise I'll be really quiet. Fine, you can watch. But only if you promise to stop the kids from throwing things. They throw things? Oh yeah, toys, sticks, sometimes rocks.

8 6. That's terrible. You don't really feel it through the suit. Come on. ( puts on his head or mask, lumbers into the zoo, and enter his "cage." He then assumes his gorilla pose. We hear zoo sounds. watches him. Pause.) Do something. (Whispering) (Whispering) I am doing something. I'm being a gorilla. What do you think they do all day? Juggle knives? That'd be cool! Can you do that? No. Now be quiet, someone might come by. (Pause) You know, Gertrude, you make a pretty cute gorilla. I hate you. Oh! Someone's coming. ( grunts and acts gorilla-like. We hear the voice of THE.) (Offstage) I want to see the gorilla! I want to see the gorilla now! Oh boy. (Under his breath)

9 7. (THE enters and watches. Pause.) Why isn't the gorilla doing anything? Well, maybe she's just resting. I'm sure she'll do something really exciting really soon. ( wanders around, gorilla-like, and scratches his head.) She's boring. No she's not. She's the best animal in the whole zoo. Aren't you, Gertrude? (To the ) Don't you think she's just wonderful? (THE throws something at.) Oh, don't do that. Do something! (THE throws something else.) Stop it. Gertrude's a nice gorilla. Bad gorilla! (THE throws something again.) If you stop, I'll get her to do a trick. ( grunts in surprise.) Oh yeah? Like what? Well... roll over. Come on, Gertrude, roll over. Do it! ( reluctantly rolls over.)

10 8. Good Gertrude. Is that all she can do? Oh no. Um... play dead, Gertrude. ( plays dead.) That's stupid. But she can do all sorts of tricks. (Slight pause) Like juggling. You can juggle, can't you, Gertrude? ( advances on and grunts very clearly that he does not juggle.) Maybe not. Oh! But she can dance. Come on, Gertrude, dance for us. Gorillas can't dance. ( grunts in agreement.) This one can. Gertrude's really smart. Show us, Gertrude, show us what a good dancer you are. Please? ( grunts and starts dancing, badly.) Good Gertrude. What a good gorilla. Isn't she amazing? Dumb gorilla. (THE throws one last item and exits.) OK, I think the kid's gone now. I am going to kill you! What were you thinking? I'm sorry. I was just trying to help. What was I supposed to do?

11 9. Anything but make me dance. I'm really sorry. Are you trying to get me fired? They wouldn't fire you. You're a great gorilla. I will get fired if they see me talking to you. Oh. Maybe I should just leave you alone then. Please. Though I might as well look around while I'm here. I'd like to see some animals that aren't guys in suits. ( stifles a laugh.) What? Nothing. No, tell me. Trust me, you'd rather not know. Yes, I would. It's nothing, Kari. Just enjoy the zoo. (Slight pause as realizes what he means.)

12 10. There are others? What kind of a zoo is this? Hey, mine's not even the worst job. What's the worst? (BERNIE enters. He is the ugliest, nastiest person you can imagine and dressed as a pink flamingo.) Gertrude. Fifi. BERNIE (BERNIE exits.) Oh that is so wrong! ( runs offstage in horror and settles back into his gorilla routine. Blackout.)