Flight from Colombia by Ronald L Oliver available now at Amazon

Transcription

1 The following Manuscript Critique relates to: Flight from Colombia by Ronald L Oliver available now at Amazon A brief synopsis is written below to add context to the critique. Our thanks to Ron for allowing this example to be presented. - Flight from Colombia synopsis Flight from Colombia concerns a young man with family roots in Colombia who yearns for a new life. While exploring Colombia, instead of finding roots he stumbles onto riches, danger, suspense and stirrings of love. He grabs a bag of illicit money and tries everything he knows to escape.

2 Manuscript Critique report written by Kim Summary A strong plot with attention to detail that is concluded well and can be surprising. Could be improved with attention to use of language and a deeper consideration of characters motives. Overall, narrative is interesting and varied, but would benefit from greater use of emotive language to engage the reader and create atmosphere. Pacing is good, with techniques such as changing perspective, but maximising the potential of the prologue, and cutting out some lengthy descriptions would make the telling shorter and snappier, driving the reader through the novel. There are areas which may benefit from rewriting, and these could be worked through together. Plot Hector and Dan storyline: Deciding to cut between Hector s life and Dan s is great, as it builds tension between the protagonist and the villain but potentially more could be made of it. For example, there are some comments made later on regarding the barrios of Cali, and I think these differences between Hector s Colombia and Dan s Colombia could be made clearer, as they would help the reader to contrast their lives and their motives. It s particularly interesting that Hector uses his money to help his family admirable but ultimately a little short-sighted as he is forcing his opinions of work and life onto them - but Dan s interests change from a selfish I want money to be respected motive to a more altruistic giving back to the community motive. Overarching themes: Is the reason for Hector s death the missing money that Dan stashed away? Does he feel bad about this? How would Hector s death affect his family? How does their reaction of his lifestyle affect his determination to get the money back? Thinking about these sorts of questions will help to strengthen the underlying message of the novel. It s not something you always have to consider when writing, but I think your plot lends itself to a consideration of the two Colombias you present. Answering these questions may also solve the contradiction that it s seemingly ok for Dan to steal the money, but not for Hector. It seems to me that the reader could be sympathetic towards Hector, as his motives are to bring his family out of poverty, but he is painted as a typical villain goatee, gun, incompetent henchmen and a consideration of

3 the conflict he faces would make this less of a clear cut thing, and therefore more interesting. Pacing Ending: The final line is not as strong as it could be maybe go back to the Colombia metaphor and think about what Dan means by it. Is it that he s been fighting against his Texan roots all this time and finally realised through a battle with his parents, Melanie, and Hector that Colombia was worth it, and that traditional money-grabbing US life is not for him? Is it the union of the Gringo and the Latina that s a metaphor for a more stable Colombia? I think this could be a very strong ending (even if I think it s too soon for marriage!) and I d really love it to stand out more. Perhaps this metaphor could be referenced in the prologue? At the moment the prologue is written just before the action, but if it were written after the whole event a sense of Dan s progression from complainer to man of the world could be hinted at here: it will drive the plot forwards and the reader will be curious how he got to such a state of knowledge, and they ll keep reading. Characters Characters motives are unclear: Dan s motivation to steal the money is unclear until he speaks to Charley about his ambitions, and even then it feels like an afterthought. Perhaps think about laying down the groundwork for Dan s dissatisfaction earlier on. The money will not help his family become more interesting, nor will it earn him respect. So what does he want it for really, and why should the reader be supporting him as he steals it? Characters' tone: There is a need to differentiate the narrator from other characters, I found that speech patterns, phrases etc are very similar across the board I would like to hear more of Isabel s Colombian English, for example, or the way Charley s English differs from Dan s Texan English. This could be done on p.276. This diversity will add to the believability of the piece and allow the reader to emotionally invest in certain characters. For example, by p.236, we have had two descriptions of the chivas, which are fascinating. However, Isabel s description is more particular to her, more emotive, and it involves Dan s questions (which are the reader s questions). On the other hand, the taxi driver s description is factually accurate, but has little personal attachment until the end. This is an example of using description to tell the reader something about the character speaking and it allows the reader to form opinions on the speaker, thereby engaging with the novel. p.222 I like Charley s turn to cruel and unsympathetic here. p.258 This contrast is good especially as Dan doesn t realise what he is seeing, and it s connection to his pursuer. Language Use

4 Repetition: A tendency to repeat synonyms eg. p. 3, p can be a descriptive technique, but it can also sound a little indecisive. Vary this technique; sometimes using synonyms, sometimes being decisive in your description. This makes reading more interesting. Emotive language in long descriptions: There is a tendency to deliver a very blow-by-blow account of Dan s actions e.g. p and p.412. I see this as a part of the character, Dan is very precise, clearly remembers a great deal, and wants to be as clear as possible when telling the story so this is not necessarily a problem! Having said that, there are cases in particular p.412 where this kind of detail detracts from the telling of the story. Instead of saying: Isabel walked over to her purse and pulled out her cell phone, punched out a number, held it to her ear and waited. why not say that Isabel pulled her cell from her purse and tried to make a call. What does that extra level of description add? Think about commonly-occurring actions and where a shorthand version of events will do. For example, if Isabel were going to be attacked by Hector, say, while making that call, the length of description draws out the time and creates a sense of suspense, allowing it to become dangerous. Here, it is just a long way of describing how to make a phone call which the reader is already familiar with. Also, I think this tendency to describe in great detail could be used to greater effect. Although I ve said above that sometimes these passages could be shortened to hold interest, in other cases they are a brilliant opportunity to tell the reader more about how the character is feeling. For example, on p , Dan gives us a very detailed account of waking up, showering and getting dressed. Now, you could just cut this down as above. But I would recommend that you used it to your advantage. At this point in the narrative, Dan is scared. He s tired, he s confused, he doesn t know if he s doing the right thing. Rather than simply telling us what is happening, use the actions to show us how he is feeling: do his hands shake as he pulls up his socks, does he cut himself shaving, does he put the money into the backpack carefully, or rushed because he s scared he ll get caught with it? You do this to some extent, but emotive language here could really help to turn the scene from telling us how Dan is, to showing us how Dan is, which is much more effective for the reader as we love interpreting events ourselves. Tenses: Be careful of tenses, on p.220 the narrative slips from third to first person. Consider when to use first/third person and how to tone is carried from one to the other. Style Rephrasing for length: Make sentences snappier: eg. p.112 boost to his career is a longer way of saying career boost. By writing shorter sentences you hold the reader s attention more, in that they do not get lost in 20 words when 4 would do. It s always worth looking through work to find areas

5 where the text could be tightened up a bit. Many of my highlights will be this kind of thing rethinking sentence structure to make it clearer for the reader. Suggestions Re-read closely for the language errors mentioned previously, and try to rectify wherever you spot them. The same goes for typos, etc, which will detract from the reader s experience. Think about the reader with reference to the issues mentioned in the additional note section. Make sure the novel is accessible to those unfamiliar with Colombia and the Spanish language. Re-examine the ending in particular there is the opportunity for a stronger conclusion. Consider using descriptions as opportunities to convey characters emotions most places in the narrative have been highlighted, but feel free to contact me for further examples of when this could be done. Additional Notes Is Geography an issue? I think some background to the towns introduced could be beneficial perhaps Dan ought to weigh up how far away Cali is from Cartagena, for example, which would give the reader a better idea of Dan s options. It s clear to me that you know the area very well, so this could be a matter of personal taste, but I feel that it would be better for the reader to have a basic geographical understanding so that they don t have to look up the lie of the land. Some readers will not do this and potentially find these passages confusing. Similarly, consider the use of Spanish. I speak Spanish (to some degree) so for me this wasn t an issue in that I could read p.291, but depending on your audience, a lot of readers will not. Do you think this is an issue? Is this perhaps a good opportunity for Dan to translate for us, and tell us his opinion? He is perfectly placed as a language student to paraphrase what the guys are saying, and give us his opinion. I have added a comment to this effect on the page. Another example of this is p.236 when you describe the water Dan orders as without gas. This is a Spanish translation, so think about the target audience will they know that without gas means still water? Would Dan use such a Spanish phrase when he is speaking English?