Your Grade: Achievement Achievement with Merit Achievement with Excellence. Produce a selection of crafted. Produce a selection of crafted

Transcription

1 Class Feedback Letter Dark Knight Literature Essay for Achievement Standard Produce a selection of crafted and controlled writing Submitted on 15 April 2016 Student: Your Grade: Achievement Achievement with Merit Achievement with Excellence and controlled writing which develops, sustains, and structures ideas. and controlled writing using language features appropriate to audience and purpose to create effects. and controlled writing which develops, sustains, and structures ideas convincingly. and controlled writing using language features appropriate to audience and purpose to create convincing effects. and controlled writing which develops, sustains, and structures ideas effectively. and controlled writing using language features appropriate to audience and purpose to command attention. Dear 2ELIT, Again, well done. You put in a solid effort here and you ve produced a piece of work that forms a very serviceable first draft of a piece of writing. Some of the feedback below is the same as in the letter about standard 91099, the interim 2.2 external, because some of the things you needed to do there apply here as well. However there is extra feedback below that is specific to this standard, and I ve rewritten some of the repeated feedback in the language of this standard to help you see how it applies differently. Expectations You wrote an exam-style essay in response to a question: Analyse how language features in a scene were used to develop one or more ideas in The Dark Knight, choosing from either the fundraiser, hospital, or final scenes of the film, and noting that ideas in the question could refer to characters, settings, or themes. The achievement criteria for this standard are above. You needed to demonstrate that you could produce the first draft of a piece of writing that developed, sustained, and structured ideas in the context of this task, it was to develop, sustain, and structure ideas about how language features such as dialogue, character actions, lighting, camera work, etc were used to develop the audience s understandings of characters, settings, or themes in one of the scenes. The conventions of this text type obviously demanded the structural features typical of a written essay (introduction, body paragraphs, conclusion). In an essay like this, developing, sustaining, and structuring ideas would mean analysing which is generally what you ve done! You also needed to demonstrate that you could use the language features appropriate to your audience and purpose to create effects. Your audience for this literature essay is myself, and your purpose was to make an argument analysing the use of language features to develop ideas in a scene from The Dark Knight. Hence I would be expecting formal, analytical, and academic language features and vocabulary.

2 Note that in order for a piece of writing to get a particular grade, you need to meet both of the selection criteria above. What that means is that if you develop, sustain, and structure ideas convincingly (Merit), but your use of language features only creates effects (Achieved), the piece of writing is graded at Achieved. You d need to polish up the language features to create convincing effects (Merit) to get a Merit overall. I enjoyed reading the essays, as I said in the other letter there s some solid work here. Many of these pieces of writing could easily be crafted into a piece of writing that would meet the standard, and maybe meet it with Merit or Excellence. Evaluation and Evidence: Strengths You guys are doing a lot of stuff really well, both in terms of developing, structuring, and sustaining ideas about the film, and your use of appropriate language features for this text type (formal essay). You re coming up with strong ideas and then developing and sustaining them by adding more detail, explanation, and examples. Here are some great ideas that I read, some of these in more than one essay: Batman s dialogue and character actions in the last scene develop the idea of heroism: how Batman took on the blame for Dent s crimes. He was being a hero by becoming a villain in Gotham s eyes. Harvey Dent s character actions as Two-Face show he couldn t get over Rachel s death, which led him to taking revenge and causing hatred and anger. The theme of change, what causes it in our lives and what the consequences are: Harvey Dent s change. Costume shows character development and theme of change: Dent s change from White Knight to corrupted Two-Face represented in costume change. It s in this hospital scene where Harvey Dent truly gives in to corruption. Dent had become corrupted by the Joker, he became Joker s offspring of chaos. In the hospital scene the audience can actually see the similarities between the face of the Joker and Harvey Dent (Two-Face). Harvey s face was similar to the scars marked on the Joker s face. Joker s face is always smiling (due to the scars) and so is Harvey s burnt side of his face, except it seems more malicious than the Joker s. The use of the two-headed coin helps to emphasise the idea that it is human nature to be corrupt. The Joker s character actions of holding the gun to his own head while Dent flips the coin shows how far [he] is willing to go in order to prove his theory we realise that the Joker will do literally anything, even killing himself, to prove that it is human nature to be evil and corrupt. For a Merit your ideas and structure need to be convincing, which, according to the standard, means they re reasoned, clear, and relevant to the purpose of the text. Some of you are developing ideas that would meet this description, such as: 'Throughout the Joker s and Harvey Dent s conversation [in the hospital], the camera would be shooting from a relatively lower angle on the Joker and shooting from a side angle on Dent, only showing the side of his face that hasn t been affected by the flames [good clear description of the techniques] the way the camera only shows Dent s normal/unaffected side of his face, tells me that the Joker, being the agent of chaos, is overtaking Dent s good side and drowning him in corruption. [This idea could become compelling (Excellence) with a bit more explanation, for example by noting that this focus on Dent s clear side is emphasising that this is our last few moments observing the truly

3 uncorrupted Dent. The student is suggesting this in the above analysis, but hasn t yet joined the dots to make it really obvious.] Many of you are also using convincing structures, which in an essay like this mean a good clear introduction/body paragraphs/conclusion where each paragraph develops a distinct idea, but all those ideas are linked together. For example a convincingly structured essay about the use of language features in the fundraiser scene might have paragraphs about dialogue, camera work, and music, all of them distinct because they re dealing with different language features; but all of the paragraphs might be addressing how these features develop the idea of the Joker s character, which means they re also linked together. Alternatively each paragraph might be addressing a different theme, but they re all discussing how the music helps develop those different themes in this case the language feature is the thing in common between the paragraphs. For Excellence, your ideas needed to be effective, which according to the standard means they re compelling, persuasive, innovative, and/or striking. Some of you are developing ideas that would almost meet this description, such as: The idea that in the hospital scene the Joker s violin music could also symbolise the Joker s influence over people. Notice the music fades in and out of the scene in accordance with Harvey s reaction. Before the music began, Harvey was writhing around on the hospital bed trying to get the Joker, however, when the music came in as the Joker was talking Dent seemed to calm down for a moment before attacking him once the music stopped and the Joker released him, allowing Harvey to bring himself out of the Joker s clutches [this is a clear detailed explanation of how the language features are used]. The director Nolan wants to illustrate how persuasive and cunning the Joker can be, to get things to go his way. The audience can understand that the Joker is a mastermind of human psychology from the music along with Harvey s actions. Nolan also uses Harvey s little bouts of energy (while Joker was talking to him) [the student is now bringing in some character actions as well, showing how two language features work together to create a combined effect this is helping the analysis to become more powerful] to get the audience to believe that Harvey is trying to break out of Joker s control in the same way as someone would pinch themselves in order to wake up from a bad dream [nice use of an analogy to help develop the analysis]. Harvey is trying to avoid being persuaded by Joker because he was always Gotham s white knight The quick release and stop of the music [the student now links back to the music again to really nail the analysis, join the dots, and make it clear that they haven t just gone off track ] emphasises the strong influence that Joker can have, on even knowing and pure-hearted people. [The student could develop this into a really strongly compelling idea by commenting on the significance of the Joker s strong influence see Ideas significance in the next section for more on this.] On the high-contrast lighting of Batman and Harvey Dent in the final scene, with Dent half lit and half dark, and Batman almost looks like a shadow himself : This use of lighting manipulates how the audience sees both characters. Bright yellow lighting on Dent symbolises hope and a bright future, while the dark burnt side symbolises an evil and sinister end. The low lighting on Batman makes us compare Batman to the dimly lit side of Dent s face, because both are lit with similar lighting. It makes the audience view Batman as a similar character to Two-Face corrupted. Nolan uses this to help us understand how the public of Gotham sees these two characters: Harvey is their saviour and hero, Batman is a corrupted vigilante. In relation to the idea of heroism, this use of lighting reverses the roles of hero and corrupted. However, since the audience is aware through character actions which character is actually corrupt, it makes us question and critically think about what it is that makes a character a hero. In this case, Batman became the hero because he willingly gave up his public reputation

4 At the moment these analyses are very convincing, and show the potential to be insightful, but they re not quite there yet. The students could develop these into really perceptive ideas by commenting on the significance of the Joker s strong influence and of the reversal of roles between hero and corrupted see Ideas significance in the next section for more on this. You re using some good analytical vocabulary to link language features to ideas, such as: Dialogue showed how much Bruce Wayne or Batman cared This shows how heroism can be seen in the scene Costume in the scene showed a lot about the characters There were some really nice demonstrations that just because it s an essay, that doesn t mean you can t use imagery and more poetic language features to command attention, such as this comment on Dent and the Joker from a student s conclusion: Dent tried to remain Gotham s white knight but ended up becoming its nightmare instead due to the Joker s sweet poisoned words. Finally, some of you are getting good at integrating quotes into your sentences, like this: Statements such as schemers trying to control their little worlds It s the schemers who did this to you and Introduce a bit of anarchy and the thing about chaos, it s fair. This is much more effective than just dropping the quote in as its own sentence, try and do this every time. (See, I just did it there with that quote!) Evaluation and Evidence: Weaknesses There are some common themes of things you could be doing to strengthen both your analysis and the writing of your essays. Those students who clearly had the audience reaction and director s purpose diagram in the backs of their minds tended to write stronger paragraphs with more detailed and convincing analysis. They may not have used these words exactly, which is fine, but I could tell that they were thinking along those lines. Those students who generally stuck to something like a SEXY or PEA (point, evidence, analysis) paragraph also wrote more convincing and detailed answers. Following are some bigger, broader ideas and recommendations. Beyond audience interest Try to develop your analysis beyond this makes the audience interested, this captures the audience s attention, and this makes the audience feel like something is going to happen. These are OK, but as analysis goes they could go a lot deeper! What does it make us interested in, and why does Nolan want us to be interested in it? Why does Nolan want us to feel like something s about to happen? If in doubt about how to develop an idea, try and link it to a theme. Does Nolan want us to be interested to draw our attention to a theme, for example? For example, in an analysis of the use of the Joker s theme music (violins) in the fundraiser scene, what could we say beyond the idea that Nolan wants us to associate the music with the Joker? How does the quality of the music affect the tone of the scene (i.e. what does it make us think and feel about what s happening)? What does the music make us think about the Joker s character? For example, if it starts playing before he even arrives in the scene, does it

5 foreshadow his presence, increasing the audience s tension and thus making us more scared of him? Why does Nolan want us to be scared of him? Is it so that we ll think about how we deal with and experience chaos and anarchy in our own lives? Ideas significance To get into convincing and effective territory (Merit and Excellence) one of the things you can do is comment on the significance of your ideas. In the case of this literature essay, developing your ideas by adding comments on why something is important for the film, and thus perhaps the themes, and thus perhaps the audience/the world, can really make your ideas compelling. For example, a student writing about the hospital scene began to do this in a final body paragraph: I believe this scene is important because it is the point where corruption truly kicks in: Harvey Dent, who is supposed to be the white knight and the symbol of hope, has become corrupt. This also reinforces the fact that the Joker can truly get under everyone s skin. The student is developing their analysis by pointing out why this scene is important in the narrative. However, they could develop it even further to really become reasoned, and perhaps compelling, by, for example: Explaining a little more about why it s so important to the film that Dent is corrupted this the Joker s ace in the hole, the moment that eventually truly means the Joker almost wins the battle for Gotham s soul, and the reason Batman has to end up going beyond heroism and become a villain in Gotham s eyes. Explaining how this in turn is important for the film s themes, whether that s good versus evil, the nature of justice, heroism whatever it is that you re interested in and discussing in the essay. Then going beyond the text and commenting on how Nolan wants us to relate the theme you re discussing to our own lives. For example, if you were interested in the idea of good versus evil, does this scene truly make us think about how easy we ourselves might be corrupted? Does that scare us? You can see how, if the paragraph dug deep into commenting on the significance of the ideas, it would come out very developed, and demonstrating some truly compelling analysis. Structure In order to be structuring your writing properly you need to follow conventions of a traditional written essay: introduction, body paragraphs with one main idea/point being developed per paragraph, and a conclusion. It s really important that your ideas are clearly organised so that the reader can follow and understand easily, and so that you know you re analysing each idea in depth without getting distracted and moving onto other ideas. For example some of you wrote paragraphs that touched on several different ideas (e.g. in a paragraph about the hospital scene: some ideas about Joker s dialogue, the symbolism of Harvey s disfigured face, and the character actions of the mob in other scenes from the film, without developing any of those in great depth). The last thing you should do in your introduction is list your key points, i.e. describe briefly what each of your paragraphs is going to be about. Then, make sure that these are the ideas you discuss! For example, if your introduction says you re going to discuss lighting, costume, and music, make sure you discuss those three things. If you end up writing a paragraph about character actions as well, go back to the introduction and add character actions as one of the main points.

6 For example this paragraph starts with a great idea (people aren t who they say they are) and ends with a great idea (whether different people s lives have different values, and whether this is corrupt), but these ideas aren t linked together in the paragraph: The dialogue in the hospital scene makes the audience think that maybe people aren t who they say they are. If I told them that I was going to blow up a bus of soldiers tomorrow they would be fine because they would have a plan, but if I say that one little mayor is going to die then everyone loses their minds!. As he says this I can t help but think why? Is Harvey s life really more important than multiple people? This to me seems corrupt. Specific evidence You need to give specific evidence. If you re talking about dialogue, you need to quote it. If you re talking about character actions or costume, you need to describe those in at least a little bit of detail, eg: Harvey s actions of kidnapping Gordon s family and threating to kill his son or Batman s imposing black armour. Surface features/text conventions One of the simplest but hardest things about this standard is that it s the only one where your spelling, grammar, punctuation, syntax, etc matter. We group these things together and call them surface features or text conventions. As you might be able to tell by these names, we don t consider them that important they re only surface things, not the deep important things however the standard says that part of using language features appropriate to audience and purpose is having accurate use of text conventions so that the writing contains only minor errors. This means that if your piece of writing for this standard has, for example, too many spelling mistakes, or a pattern of errors (where you keep getting the same thing wrong again and again) with apostrophes or grammar, you cannot even achieve the standard. This is why proofreading becomes so vitally important, especially as we get into the crafting stage and you re preparing to hand your pieces in the for the final assessment. Following are some common little surface error mistakes I noticed in your essays. As this was a first draft it s understandable that there were lots of errors, so this is just a heads-up of things to look out for when proofing: Keep an eye on tense changes, when you switch between different tenses when you re talking about the same thing, e.g. In the ending scene where Batman is forced to kill Harvey Dent or Two Face a huge choice was (past tense) formed, a choice that will (switched to future tense, should be would ) determine Gotham s fate. This is easy to do when you re writing quickly, and is the kind of thing you ought to pick up when you go back and edit. Keep an eye on capitalisations: proper names (the names of people, places, organisations, etc) should always be capitalized, e.g. Harvy Dent not Harvey dent, Two- Face not two-face. Syntactical errors. Syntax is to do with the construction of sentences, so syntactical errors mean sentences that don t quite make grammatical sense, although it s obvious what the sentence is supposed to mean. For example: the way the camera only shows Dent s normal/unaffected side of his face. Here, Dent s is mucking things up, and when proofread the sentence would become the way the camera only shows the normal/unaffected side of his face. On a related note, sometimes people get a little carried away with the academic language and end up saying things that don t quite make sense just keep it simple! For example: In this scene, it portrayed the ideas of how the setting, the characters and a piece of dialogue helped develop a deeper meaning to them. This sentence doesn t really make sense! All this sentence needs to say is: In this scene the setting, characters,

7 and dialogue helped develop deeper meaning, or something like that. Keep it simple so that your message is clear. Conclusion Well done again for tackling a difficult task and doing well! All of the above feedback can be applied to lots of other work we ll be doing and skills we ll be practicing this year, so keep coming back to it. Mr Moffat-Wood.