Comments: Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:41 AM. Comment [14]: Those$three$sentences$... [25] Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:41 AM. Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:43 AM

Transcription

1 On certain days, I might contemplate trading my soul to the devil for free pizza. So it s no surprise that three years ago, on the first day of school, two slices of pizza overcame my initial trepidation and caused me to sign up for Model UN. My first conference left me shell-shocked. The polished candidates, roaring speeches, variegated ideas, and sheer volume of tie clips all packed into four days left me in awe. I took away two key lessons from my experience in General Assembly. First, I loved debating into all hours of the night. Second, getting North Korea to agree on nuclear disarmament is not impossible. That first conference altered my personal trajectory. I had been a numbers guy; a science lover. But a few political puns, several semi-legitimate statistics, and many mispronounced words later: I was hooked. My Model UN career was just getting started. The following March, I won over my delegation and entered the primary elections, allowing me to run for Secretary General, the highest position in the conference.. I had no idea what was to follow. Leading a campaign to attract 2,400 strangers forced me to lay myself bare before my team members because my team had to know me better than anyone else. I had to acknowledge my flaws: an expansive ego, an occasional disregard for others emotions, and an outwardly isolated nature. And I had to go one step further and address them, because I didn t want to let down my team, my school, or myself. As the campaign progressed, so did my stress levels and I broke down. While I would have normally withdrawn into my own head, this time there was nowhere to hide: I was front and center, at all times. I ve heard that the most difficult path is usually the most obvious, and it eventually dawned on me that I would have to tackle my flaws directly. This battle was fought with internal vacillation, stress management, and thousands of colorful buttons. But I, an immature freshman with a predilection for pizza, emerged victorious and won the position of Secretary General for the state of Colorado. I did not fully vanquish my flaws, but facing my shortcomings did bolster my confidence. After meeting those 2,400 delegates, they were no longer as terrifying. Between the campaign speeches and handshakes, I left the chains of my introversion behind and began to enjoy meeting new people. The campaign was challenging, but the invaluable knowledge I gained in the process made it all worth it. The privilege of choosing the first song at the dance was pretty cool too. Even as the Secretary General, my ego can still emerge, my treatment of others can still turn sour, and my apprehension about socialization can return. But before Model UN, I would never have even recognized those issues, let alone work to address them. At the very least, I definitely did not expect to have made friends all the way from Connecticut,. Model UN has taken me down a purposeful and sometimes uncomfortable path. But I ve learned to find security in that discomfort, channeling it to catalyze personal improvement. Comments: Alice Carson 10/24/15 8:13 PM Deleted: On the first day of high school n... [1] Alice Carson 10/24/15 8:27 PM Comment [1]: You$can$insert$your$... [2] Alice Carson 10/24/15 8:22 PM Deleted: the izza might have initially... [3] Alice Carson 10/24/15 8:13 PM Comment [2]: There$was$an$opportunity$... [4] Alice Carson 10/24/15 8:28 PM Deleted:... [5] Alice Carson 10/24/15 8:29 PM Deleted: y first conference... [6] Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:12 AM Comment [3]: I$eliminated$this$sentence$... [7] Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:12 AM Deleted: I never even considered the idea... [8] of Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:20 AM Deleted: somehow on over my delegation... [9] Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:24 AM Deleted: had no idea... what [10] Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:25 AM Comment [4]: This$phrase$comes$off$as$... [11] Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:23 AM Deleted: magnitude of the campaign... [12] Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:29 AM Comment [5]: This$might$not$be$the$right$... [13] Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:29 AM Deleted: to win, Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:30 AM Comment [6]: This$descriptor$doesn t$fit$... [14] Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:27 AM Comment [7]: This$theme$needs$to$be$... [15] Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:31 AM Deleted: a of course Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:31 AM Deleted: I, Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:55 AM Comment [8]: The$timeline$here$doesn t$... [16] Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:30 AM Deleted: from my school in Colorado... [17] Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:32 AM Deleted: never destroyed my flaws,... but [18] Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:38 AM Comment [9]: This$is$a$hyperbolic$... [19] Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:33 AM Comment [10]: This$is$a$good$start$to$... [20] Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:40 AM Comment [11]: Is$knowledge$the$biggest$... [21] Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:43 AM Comment [12]: You$can$also$shift$this$to$... [22] Deleted: As Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:37 AM Comment [13]: This$is$a$strong$framing$... [23] Deleted: of Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:41 AM Comment [14]: Those$three$sentences$... [25] Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:41 AM Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:43 AM... [24] Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:24 AM... [26]... [27]... [28]

2 Dear XXXXX, First of all, let me commend you on an extremely well written essay. It was clear that you put a lot of time and effort into this essay, and I particularly enjoyed the small humorous flourishes you injected into the essay (like the line about the buttons). As it is written right now, this is a good essay, addressing a theme of personal improvement and telling that story in a reasonably compelling manner. And if you want to keep the essay s dual theme (of facing your flaws and Model UN playing a large role in your life), then I ve made several specific content suggestions above, which will allow you to make that essay a good one. I suggested some content additions, and in order to allow you to implement them, my edits have reduced the length of the essay to 525 words, giving you 125 words to play with. But I believe that you have all of the pieces here to write a truly incredible essay, one that transcends the relatively standard I won an Election storyline to convey multiple facets of your personality and make you stand out. Right now, the essay is about how your overall journey through MUN helped you address your flaws (ego, insensitivity, lack of social confidence/skills). Instead, I would propose that you reorganize your essay to exclusively focus on the campaign, and focus more heavily on these flaws and the process of overcoming them. To give yourself enough space to do this, you could eliminate the first two paragraphs and open right as you begin the campaign. You should also leave the outcome of the campaign out of the essay (they ll know you won from your resume anyway) as that increases the power of your actions (you overcame your flaws without an obvious payoff) and makes you a more interesting character. This will free up some more words as you delete sentences that deal with this. The last paragraph can also be eliminated, as the journey through MUN element of your overall theme is gone. All of these changes will free up words of space for you to write. The general narrative arc should be the start of your campaign up through the moments before the election. You should start by illustrating your flaws (mentioning how they affected your campaign) with specific interactions, and then expand on how your campaign team galvanized you to address things, show steady improvement throughout the campaign (using various events [i.e. speeches or meet and greets]) from the campaign as events to illustrate improvement in these traits. You should then finish right before the campaign, talking about how you found significant improvement but are far from perfect in those traits, and then end before a final speech or something right before the election. I believe that this has the potential to be an incredible essay, and you already have the right base content you just need to reshape some of it and change how the story is framed.

3 Page 1: [1] Deleted Alice Carson 10/24/15 8:13 PM On the first day of high school Page 1: [1] Deleted Alice Carson 10/24/15 8:13 PM On the first day of high school Page 1: [1] Deleted Alice Carson 10/24/15 8:13 PM On the first day of high school Page 1: [2] Comment [1] Alice Carson 10/24/15 8:27 PM Youcaninsertyourfavoritetypeofpizzahere.Tosharpenthehumor,youcould evenmakeithighlyspecific(e.g.fourcheeseandmushroom) Page 1: [3] Deleted Alice Carson 10/24/15 8:22 PM the Page 1: [3] Deleted Alice Carson 10/24/15 8:22 PM the Page 1: [3] Deleted Alice Carson 10/24/15 8:22 PM the Page 1: [4] Comment [2] Alice Carson 10/24/15 8:13 PM Therewasanopportunitytoreframethisintrotomakeitmoreengagingand humorous,andihaverephrasedtheintroaccordingly. Page 1: [5] Deleted Alice Carson 10/24/15 8:28 PM Prior to conference, I thought passing a resolution was paramount. But none of mine passed, and I couldn t have cared less.

4 Page 1: [7] Comment [3] Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:12 AM Ieliminatedthissentencebecause Page 1: [8] Deleted Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:12 AM I never even considered the idea of making public speaking as perfunctory as evaluating polynomials. Page 1: [9] Deleted Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:20 AM somehow Page 1: [9] Deleted Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:20 AM somehow Page 1: [9] Deleted Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:20 AM somehow

5 Page 1: [11] Comment [4] Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:25 AM Thisphrasecomesoffasclichéd,becauseyouhaven tpreviouslyindicatedthatyour reasonsforwantingtorunforsecretarygeneralwerethese(team/school/you). Instead,youcanbemorehonest,sayingsomethingaboutyouwantingtowin,or wantingtogiveyourselfthebestshotpossible.alternatively,ifyouwanttogoover anobligationtoyourteam Page 1: [13] Comment [5] Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:29 AM Thismightnotbetherightfit,asthepowerofrecognizingthatyouneededtoface yourflawsismutedbyyoucallingthisobvious.eitheritshouldbeamoredrawn outprocessbeforeyoucometothisrealizationor,youshouldbemorehesitant aboutit(e.g."reluctantly,idecidedtotacklemyflawsheadon.") Page 1: [14] Comment [6] Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:30 AM Thisdescriptordoesn tfitwiththeothertwo,asinternalvacillationwouldhave heldyoubackwhereastheothertwowerecontributingtoyoursuccess. Page 1: [15] Comment [7] Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:27 AM Thisthemeneedstobeexpanded howdidyoufacetheseflaws,whatdidyoudoto overcomethem?infact,istronglybelievethatthisshouldbethecentralizingtheme ofyouressay I lladdressthatsomemoredownbelowinmyfeedback. Page 1: [16] Comment [8] Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:55 AM Thetimelineheredoesn tquitemakesense.youranforsecretarygeneralinyour firstyear?butwhataboutthefirstconference?wereyouactuallyafreshman?

6 Page 1: [17] Deleted Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:30 AM Page 1: [17] Deleted Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:30 AM Page 1: [17] Deleted Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:30 AM Page 1: [17] Deleted Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:30 AM Page 1: [18] Deleted Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:32 AM never destroyed Page 1: [18] Deleted Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:32 AM never destroyed Page 1: [18] Deleted Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:32 AM never destroyed Page 1: [19] Comment [9] Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:38 AM Thisisahyperbolicmetaphor,andIwouldstronglysuggestchangingit. Page 1: [20] Comment [10] Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:33 AM Thisisagoodstarttodescribehowyouaddressedthatflaw,butyoushouldexpand thisparagraphtodiscusshowthecampaign Page 1: [21] Comment [11] Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:40 AM Isknowledgethebiggesttakeawayfromyourexperience,orisitthefactthatyou facedyourflaws?itseemslikethebiggestthingthatdidaswellwastogiveyou moreconfidenceinasocialenvironment/changeyourapproachtointeractingwith otherpeople. Page 1: [22] Comment [12] Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:43 AM Youcanalsoshiftthistobetimebased(i.e.eventoday...) Page 1: [23] Comment [13] Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:37 AM Thisisastrongframingfortheconcludingparagraph,butitwillonlyplaythatroleif youreworkthebodyoftheessaytoaddressthefirsttwoofthosethreeflaws. Page 1: [24] Deleted Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:41 AM. Page 1: [24] Deleted Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:41 AM. Page 1: [25] Comment [14] Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:41 AM Thosethreesentenceswereeliminatedbecauseyoualreadyconveythosethemesin thepreviousparagraphs Page 1: [26] Comment [15] Alice Carson 10/25/15 1:24 AM

7 WhywereConnecticutstudentsinvolvedifthisconferenceisfromConnecticut?And ifthiswasfromadifferentactivitythatmunwasafoundationfor,addsome clarification,becauseasitiswrittenrightnow,itlookscontradictory. Page 1: [27] Comment [16] Addaphraseheretyingthisthoughttoyourstatedfearofsocialization. Page 1: [28] Deleted n Page 1: [28] Deleted n Page 1: [28] Deleted n