When Christmas begins

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Arline Dickerson
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1 Vol. 13 No Thursday, December 16, 2010 Mixed up Christmas carols Unscramble each of the clue words. Copy the letters in the numbered cells to other cells with the same number. solution is on page 3 When Christmas begins Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April 15th of the next year.

nice to bring his wife a gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics woman at the Department Store.

The woman then returned with a smaller bottle costing $30. Bob complained, "That s still a lot of money.

Bob grew even more restless and replied, "No no What I mean is I'd like to see something really cheap!

A stage mother cornered the concert violinist in his dressing room and insisted he listen to a tape of her talented son

" the violinist So the clerk handed him a mirror!

2 Page 2 That s a bit too much After being away on business for a week before the Christmas Holiday, Bob thought it would be nice to bring his wife a gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics woman at the Department Store. So, she showed him a bottle of $50 perfume. "That's a bit much," said Bob. The woman then returned with a smaller bottle costing $30. Bob complained, "That s still a lot of money." Growing disgusted, the woman brought out her smallest little bottle of $15 perfume. Bob grew even more restless and replied, "No no What I mean is I'd like to see something really cheap!" Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money! A stage mother cornered the concert violinist in his dressing room and insisted he listen to a tape of her talented son playing the violin. The man agreed to listen and the woman switched on the tape player. "What music!" the violinist So the clerk handed him a mirror!! Fill in every row, column and 3x3 box with the numbers 1 to 9 each number must appear in each row, column and 3x3 box only once please find solution on page 8 A real stage mother thought. It was a difficult piece, but played with such genius that it brought tears to his eyes. He listened spellbound to the entire recording. "Madam," he whispered, "is that your son?" "No," she replied. "That's Itzhak Perlman. But my son sounds just like him.."

www.goodmorningsunshine.ca Page 3 Signs Santa dislikes you 1.

Along with presents Santa leaves a bill for shipping and handling. 3.

First words when kid gets on his lap are, Touch my beard and I ll put the hurt

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a Christmas bell.

Answers to Mixed up Christmas Carols Silent Night O Holy Night Hark the Harold

3 Page 3 Signs Santa dislikes you 1. Kid s letter to north pole comes back stamped, Dream On Buddy! 2. Along with presents Santa leaves a bill for shipping and handling. 3. By the time he gets to your house all he has left are Styrofoam peanuts. 4. First words when kid gets on his lap are, Touch my beard and I ll put the hurt on you. 5. Four words: Off my lap, Tubby! Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a Christmas bell. Take these pills and if they don't work, give me a ring. Answers to Mixed up Christmas Carols Silent Night O Holy Night Hark the Harold Joy to the World First Noel Little Town of Bethlehem Away in a Manger Peace on earth, Good will to all Yer a Redneck if: your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner. G R A F I X

Page 4 www.goodmorningsunshine.ca Home sweet home, g? d ƒ? k ' ƒ? i fl?o For Sale, Cute 1 room house.

The edible life-sized house made from 381 lbs of gingerbread, 517 lbs of royal icing, lollipops, cookies, gum drops and mints is one of the fantasy

They have a few other gifts besides the house that I kind of like although you can t eat them.

tricycle I could use when tired of walking the sea wall.

My all time favorite, a Dale Chihuly sculpted glass swimming pool floor that, like it s $1.

Anyhow, getting back to the fantasy gingerbread house which most little kids would love to find in the living room on Christmas morning (providing

4 Page 4 Home sweet home, g? d ƒ? k ' ƒ? i fl?o For Sale, Cute 1 room house. Dimensions; 6 feet high by 5 feet wide and 4 feet deep. Price $15,000. Can be eaten after Christmas. Or not. The edible life-sized house made from 381 lbs of gingerbread, 517 lbs of royal icing, lollipops, cookies, gum drops and mints is one of the fantasy gifts being sold by Neiman Marcus (the luxury specialty department store) for Christmas this year. Heck their catalogue even costs $15. They have a few other gifts besides the house that I kind of like although you can t eat them. There s a Metro Ship luxury houseboat for just $250,000 that would look real nice moored in Gibsons harbour and a Tory Burch styled electric Worksman tricycle I could use when tired of walking the sea wall. It s a deal at $4,500 and there s a nicely boxed charm bracelet for a mere $248,000 that s really pretty. My all time favorite, a Dale Chihuly sculpted glass swimming pool floor that, like it s $1.5 million price tag is absolutely stunning would be gorgeous but how would you gift wrap it? It s bad enough trying to find shirt boxes these days. Anyhow, getting back to the fantasy gingerbread house which most little kids would love to find in the living room on Christmas morning (providing Santa didn t eat it with his glass of milk) made me think perhaps I d deprived my own offspring because I never ever made them a gingerbread house! I told them my oven wasn t big enough. Oh I know I could have purchased one of those easy to assemble gingerbread house kits using graham wafers instead of the real thing, but I didn t. Certainly I can t imagine baking and putting one together like a guy called Roger Pelcher and a crew did inside Bloomington, Michigan s Mall of America. It took 9 days to

www.goodmorningsunshine.ca Page 5 gingerbread houses complete and was 67 feet tall.

I wonder how long it took to eat it afterwards?

An Armenian monk named Gregory of Nicopolis first started making the stuff as an aid to digestion and then moving

monastries, pharmacies and town square farmers markets.

supposedly had them made and presented in the likeness of some of her guests.

5 Page 5 gingerbread houses complete and was 67 feet tall. It took up something like 1,496 square feet. Phew. That s a lot of royal icing and gummies. I wonder how long it took to eat it afterwards? Gingerbread was brought to Europe in 992 which believe it or not was even before my time. An Armenian monk named Gregory of Nicopolis first started making the stuff as an aid to digestion and then moving on to France where Tums still hadn t caught on as an after dinner treat taught gingerbread cooking to French priests. By the 13 th century it was brought to Sweden by German immigrants and by the 16 th century it was being sold in monastries, pharmacies and town square farmers markets. Mind you it wasn t from the same batch, they d baked fresh. supposedly had them made and presented in the likeness of some of her guests. I wonder what they used for the buttons since Smarties hadn t yet been invented? The only way I like gingerbread of the hard cookie variety is if it s dunked in a cup of hot tea, but I understand in inclement weather the monks preferred it dunked in their port. Well you know what they say... any port in a storm. There s a documented instance of figure shaped gingerbread biscuits appearing in the court of Elizabeth 1 of England where she Merry C hristmas to One and All from Bob Cowrie St., Sechelt

" "A what?" "My husband says he needs a 28-ounce water pump." "A 28-ounce water pump?

water pump" the light in his head goes on. "Oh yes ma'am. We've got 28-ounce water pumps.

You're the first place I've called that knew what I was talking about." "Yes ma'am.

" Carrier s tip Harry asked his wife: "Did your leave a Christmas tip for the boy who delivers our paper?

6 Page 6 Hard to find water pump Call to an imported car parts warehouse: "I need a 28-ounce water pump." "A what?" "My husband says he needs a 28-ounce water pump." "A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car is it for?" "It's an old Datsun, I think." As the parts guy writes down "Datsun, 28 oz. water pump" the light in his head goes on. "Oh yes ma'am. We've got 28-ounce water pumps. We have 24-ounce and 26-ounce water pumps too." "Finally! You're the first place I've called that knew what I was talking about." "Yes ma'am. That's because we're a full-service parts warehouse; it's our job to have the parts you need, like a 28-ounce water pump." The parts guy jots down on his order form, "Customer pick-up: Datsun 280Z water pump." Carrier s tip Harry asked his wife: "Did your leave a Christmas tip for the boy who delivers our paper?" His wife replied: "Yes, dear. I put some of it in the bushes, some of it on the roof, and some of it in the front yard." Jolly fat man If you see a fat man who's jolly and cute Wearing a beard and a red flannel suit And if he is chuckling and laughing away While flying around In a miniature sleigh With eight tiny reindeer To pull him along Then lets face it Your egg nog is too strong!

www.goodmorningsunshine.ca Page 7 Messing with Santa 1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. 2.

While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly. 5. Keep an angry bull in your living room.

Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa" 7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs.

Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear. 9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it.

7 Page 7 Messing with Santa 1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. 2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. 3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants. 4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly. 5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit! 6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa" 7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home. 8. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear. 9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off. 10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa" 11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime." 12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections. 13. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun. 14. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house. 15. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill. 16. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue. 17. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighbourhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

Page 8 Thursday, December 16, 2010 Good Morning, Sunshine! Engineer s Santa perspective There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world.

the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.

Solution from puzzle on page 2 Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east

This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the

8 Page 8 Thursday, December 16, 2010 Good Morning, Sunshine! Engineer s Santa perspective There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each. Solution from puzzle on page 2 Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest manmade vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

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