Student Composition: Three Passions I Live For. (See Teacher's Comments and Revised Composition Below.)

Transcription

1 Student Composition: Three Passions I Live For (See Teacher's Comments and Revised Composition Below.) Looking back on my past twenty years full of passions (1) and enthusiasm, I feel grateful and (2) to live a healthy and happy life. There are a lot of qualities I have learnt from ordinary life that guided me through. If I am asked to list the first three, I will put health, happiness of my family and enough financial support (3) as the passions I live for. Health comes first for me. Without health, everything is meaningless. It is indispensable to everyone (4). Only when one is healthy can he start his own career, set up his own family and achieve any accomplishment (5). I always value health and regard it as the preliminary step (6) to possess a happy family and earn enough money. Happiness of my family (7) is very important to me because I love my family wholeheartedly. I get pleasure in their joys and suffer what they suffer. Their infinite love and support motivate me to overcome any trouble or obstacle (8) I may meet. To make those I love happy is the biggest wish for me. What would millions of money (9) mean to me if I saw my family suffer from pain and agony (10)? Now that I ve got a healthy body, I have plenty of time and opportunities to entertain my family. Then money comes third. (11) Everyone must admit that they could never do without money (12). Money enables us to get food, a house for shelter, clothes to wear and furthermore (13) enjoyment. For example, with money, we can get a good education, travel around the world and receive fine medical treatment. Money is essential to satisfy our basic needs as well as further self-development. As long as I am healthy, I ll work hard to earn as much money as I can, then with it I buy substances (14) or services to make (15) my family live more comfortably. If everything goes on (16) smoothly, I ll be absolutely the happiest girl in the world! Comments

2 (1) "Passion" is normally a non-count noun, especially in this expression, "full of passion". In any case, the word "passion" itself is not really appropriate considering the three ideas being expressed. Health and wealth are mentioned as necessities which add to the writer's quality of life, but they are not really "passions". If the writer loved to go the gym every single day of the week and practiced yoga, weight training, along with various other sports, then it might be called "a passion". "Wealth" is also "a passion" for some people who really do seem to live for money. They want all the money they can get - more, more, MORE! That's passion. This writer doesn't live for money, however, she only uses money to help her live a better life. For her, money is a tool, not a passion. (2) Perhaps the word "and" was added by mistake. I think the writer wanted to write something like "I feel grateful for the chance to have lived a healthy and happy life". If the writer wants to keep "and", then a sentence such as "I feel grateful and happy to have lived a healthy life". "And" should connect two similar words or ideas. (3) "Support" is what somebody, or something, gives to you. When I read "enough financial support", I think the writer wants support from her parents or maybe from the government. "Enough finances" or "sufficient finances" would be better, but the writer could even use the simple expression "enough money". It's better to use a simple word such as "money" correctly than to use a more formal word such as "finances" incorrectly. (4) This sentence just repeats the same idea as the previous two sentences, only using different words. The writer's message is "Health is important. Health is important. Health is important." It seems the writer is just trying to show off her knowledge of English without communicating any message. In the revised essay below, notice how the first two sentences are combined to show cause and effect, while the third sentence is cut out completely. (5) This is far too general. It's not bad grammatically but is quite boring. The reader must wonder if the writer is capable of describing a real achievement or not. The writer should give examples of achievements that she has achieved or hopes to achieve. (6) The writer seems to be emphasizing health by writing "THE preliminary step", so "the first step" would be more clear. There might be many "preliminary" steps, which all might be necessary, but not so important. (7) The first time this is mentioned, in the first paragraph, it may be okay to write it this way. However, the second time it is used, "my family's happiness" is much more natural. If the writer insists on using this awkward expression again, she should at least use an article: "The happiness of my family...".

3 (8) Again, the writer would show her ability to communicate in English if she gave an example or two instead of just using the general words "trouble" and "obstacle". (9) "Money" is a non-count noun. We could say "millions of dollars", "millions of pounds", or "millions of yuan". Another possibility would be "a large amount of money". (10) We suffer from a disease or some other bad situation. Writing "suffer from pain and agony" is like writing "suffering from suffering and suffering". The writer could change this to "living in pain and agony" or "experiencing pain and agony". (11) This is a fair attempt at a transition to the next paragraph, but it could be better. See the revised essay for examples of smooth transitions between paragraphs. (12) This sentence communicates nothing and should be cut. (13) It is not clear what the writer is trying to say by using the word "furthermore" here. Maybe she means, "beyond these necessities", or something similar. The word "furthermore" could also be cut with no replacement, and the meaning would come through more clearly. (14) "Substances" sounds like raw materials, especially chemicals or drugs. The writer should use specific goods and services in order to communicate her message. (15) The word "make" sounds like the family will be forced to live more comfortably, against their will. "Allow" is a more appropriate word. (16) This should be simplified to "goes smoothly" to make it idiomatically correct. It's still too vague. The writer would do even better to express what she means by "go smoothly" by giving examples.

4 Revised Writing "Keys to Happiness" Looking back on the first twenty years of my life, lived with passion, energy and enthusiasm, I feel grateful to have been so healthy and happy. I owe my happiness to so many people and lucky events, but there are three key, fundamental factors that have guided me and supported me in my life. Those three keys to life are my physical health, healthy finances, and my family's happiness. Health comes first for me, because without health everything else is meaningless. Imagine starting a career without good health. Imagine starting a family without good health. Imagine achieving anything without good health. Clearly, good health is a basic, fundamental prerequisite for every other aspect of one's life. Good health is not enough to be happy. We still need to have money in today's society. Money obviously pays for the basic necessities of life - food, housing, clothing - but is also necessary for other reasons. The amount of money we have at our disposal determines the quality of education we can receive. Money guarantees we will always get adequate medical treatment if the need arises. We can also use money for travel and other entertainment that can add to our quality of life. When we have both our health and healthy finances, we can turn our attention to the most important factor in having a happy life. Family is the most important factor because it provides the love, joy and support that everybody needs. I love my family with all my heart. I get pleasure from their pleasure. I suffer when they suffer. My family helped me get through the tremendous pressure of entrance exams. They consoled and advised me when I had misunderstandings with my friends. More importantly, they were there to share in my successes throughout the past twenty years. These three factors are all that I need and want in this world. As long as I stay healthy, work hard to earn as much money as I can, and then use my health and wealth to share both good times and bad times with my family, I will always be the happiest girl in the world.

5 Student Composition : An Unforgettable Experience It happened many years ago, when I was a little girl. I can neither remember the beginning nor the end, but whenever I think of the scene, my tears flowed freely (1) down my cheeks. When I was young, my family led a poor life in country (2). That evening (3), the weather was very bad, it rained cats and dogs (4). Just at the evening (5), my families (6) were on our way home. Dad held me on his back, Mom held my elder brother s hand, and held the only umbrella for Dad and me. Dad gave his overcoat to my elder brother. As you know (7), the road of country is difficult for people to walk, especially in rainy days. However, they waded (8) together like this (9) in the rain. But I wasn t comfortable either. I was fat at that time, perhaps it was hard for Dad to hold me for such a long time, for he had almost fallen down (10) for several times (11). In order to decrease the weight to Dad, tried to hold myself-----just in mind, though it sounded funny and did nothing (12). When we arrived home, the inner of our house was raining (13) too. Rain dropped from the bad roof everywhere. Mom put bowls and tubs at the right places for rain. Then she put me and my elder brother on dry places of bed (14). I fell asleep soon. When I opened my eyes, I found Dad and Mom were sleeping in chairs, they caught a bad cold. This is the earliest memory in my mind, and luckily, it is nothing but my parents love, I touched parents great love (15) for the first time. Though the evening went away (16), and now we live a happy life, I won t forget the rain we lived through together, the evening will stay in my mind forever. Comments: The basic ideas of this composition are very clear and well-written. It is wellorganized and easy to read. However, there are many small mistakes that could be improved. As with most students' compositions, more specific details would have also made it much better. (1) "whenever I think of the scene, my tears flowed freely down my cheeks" "Whenever" means anytime, which could also be now or in the future, so we should use "flow" rather than the past tense. (2) "in country" This should be "in the country". (3) "That evening" "That" refers back to a previously mentioned evening, but the writer didn't mention an evening before. It would be better to write "One evening". (4) "it rained cats and dogs" Many students rely too much on old, worn-out phrases. Good writing is fresh and includes concrete details. The writer could try something like this: "It had rained hard all day and the old, dirt roads were flooded with water".

6 (5) "Just at the evening" This should be "In the evening". (6) "my families" We all have only one family. "My family and I" or "All the members of my family and I" would be better. (7) "as you know" This phrase is very rarely used and should be reserved for a time when we truly want to emphasize that our readers are aware of a certain fact. In this case, I actually do NOT know that country roads are all difficult to walk on. (8) "waded" It sounds as though the water was very deep. If that was true, the writer should have already told us "the water covering the road was more than 50cm deep", or something similar. If it is not true, then the writer could write "walked through the heavy rain". (9) "together like this" "Like this" refers back to a way of walking, but the writer described the country road in the previous sentence, not how they were walking. (10) "he had almost fallen down" This should be "he almost fell down". We only use "had fallen" if we want to emphasize a previous time when he almost fell. For example, "He had almost fallen down several times before, so now his steps were especially careful". (11) "for several times" We do not need "for" in this case. (12) "just in mind, though it sounded funny and did nothing" I have no idea what this means! What is "in mind"? Whose mind is it in? What sound was made? What could it have done if it hadn't done nothing? The whole sentence is very confusing. (13) "the inner of our house was raining" This sounds as though there were rain clouds inside the house, perhaps with lightning and thunder! Of course, the inside of the house was probably only full of rain water. (14) "put me on dry places of bed" This should be "put me on a dry spot on the bed". (15) "I touched parents' great love" "Touch" is not the right word. Maybe "realize", "understood" or possibly "came in touch with" would better express the writer's feeling. (16) "the evening went away" Evenings do not go away. We could say "the evening ended" or "the evening came to an end".

7 Revised Composition: My First Unforgettable Evening It happened many years ago, when I was a little girl. I can neither remember the beginning nor the end, but whenever I think of the scene, tears flow freely down my cheeks. When I was young, my family led a poor life in the country. One evening we were visiting some relatives and the weather was very bad. It rained so hard that the roads were flooded with water. On our way home that evening, my Dad carried me on his back. My Mom held my elder brother s hand, and held an umbrella for Dad and me. Dad gave his overcoat to my elder brother. As you can imagine, many country roads are difficult to walk on. This road was especially bad after the rain. However, we trudged together through the mud and the rain for more than an hour. Though I was on my Dad's back, I wasn t comfortable either. I was fat at that time and it may have been hard for Dad to hold me for such a long time. He almost fell down four or five times. In hopes of decreasing my father's burden, I tried to "carry" myself, through force of will alone. That may sound funny, but I was just a kid. Of course, I achieved nothing. When we arrived home, the inside of our house was covered with rain water. The rain had come through our leaky roof and puddles were everywhere. Mom put bowls and tubs all around the house to try to catch the rain. Then she put me and my elder brother to bed, carefully placing us on the remaining dry spots. I fell asleep soon. When I opened my eyes, I found Dad and Mom were sleeping in chairs, both having caught bad colds. This is my very earliest memory, and luckily, it represents nothing but my parents love. I realized the depth of my parents great love for the first time. Though the evening has long since passed, and now we live a happy life, I won t forget the rain we lived through together. The rain, that evening, and especially my parents' love, will stay in my mind forever.

8 Student Composition: Self confidence, you help me a lot (See Corrections and Revised Composition Below.) My friends often ask me the same question why are you so (1) blithe all day? I think the answer is simple --- (2) it owns a great debt to self-confidence. (3) When it comes to self confidence, someone will call it (4) conceited and I guess it is, but it really makes me feel at ease (5) I am doing something. I still remember my first experience of an English Competition: 3 years ago, I was (6) singled out by my classmates to take part in a Speaking-English competition. When I went up to the stage, I had butterflies in my stomach. All at once, my mother s words came to me. If you want to do something with style, it costs nothing but self confidence. Since I had the chance to stand here, it meant that I had the ability. (7) Restore to balance. I said to myself. Don t you forget that you have (8) drawn yourself in preparing this competition for a long time? You are the best. Strangely, my nervousness vanished after I flattered myself. I began to speak. The feeling was wonderful. All the (9) audiences applauded after my speech. I was successful! The self confidence helped me (10) win the success. My courage and optimism are all based on it. We will be faced with different difficulties occasionally and unavoidably in the future. If we come to terms with them, we are (11) bound to fail. Taking it for granted that we are capable of handling them will (12) benefit to build up confidence and success. My friends, why not have self confidence? We are not (13) the most excellent, but we always do out best to achieve our aims, don t we? Self confidence will add happiness (14) into our own lives. Eva s Comments The writer's sentence structure is not too bad, so the message is communicated fairly effectively. However, the misuse of many words and expressions sounds strange and is often confusing. (1) The word blithe is used today only in certain, limited expressions, and then mostly in written English, not spoken English. The writer's friends will more likely say "carefree". Also, instead of "all day", the writer's friends probably mean "every day". (2) The expression is "owe a debt", not "own". (3) The whole phrase is unnecessary. It would be better just to say "Some people may call self-confidence 'conceit'". (4) The noun form is "conceit". In addition, it seems strange to say "someone will". It's a possibility, not a certainty, so "someone may" is better. (5) A clause connector is missing here. Perhaps the writer meant to use "when I am doing something". Also, "something" is too vague. The writer could improve it by changing it to "when I am trying to accomplish something" or "when I have a difficult task to face", etc.

9 (6) "Be singled out" is a special expression that should be used only in special situations. It gives the impression that something is either extremely good or extremely bad. The simple word "chosen" is more appropriate. (7) "Restore to balance" has no meaning in English. "Unbalanced" in English can mean "crazy", so I don't think it's safe to write something like "become balanced". "Balance yourself", on the other hand, sounds like a physical action. A common expression used in American English under similar circumstances would be "Get a hold of yourself". (8) I also can't imagine why the writer chose the expression "drawn yourself". Why not just "you have prepared for this competition"? Some students try to add unnecessary words in order to sound impressive, but often end up getting just the opposite result. (9) Obviously, "audience" is a non-count noun so the "s" is not needed. (10) I think I can understand what the writer means by "win the success". Probably the meaning is simply "succeed", although it's also possible the writer meant "win the competition". (11) Writing "bound to fail" was probably a mistake made while the writer was tired. The writer either meant "we are bound to succeed" or "if we do NOT come to terms with them, we are bound to fail". (12) "Benefit to build up confidence and success" should be changed to simply "build confidence and lead to success". (13) "We are not the most excellent" sounds a bit odd. Again, we cannot be certain, so "We may not" is better. "Most excellent" should just be replaced by "best". (14) The expression "add happiness into" is unnatural. If the writer keeps the idea of "adding happiness", then the word "in" instead of "into" is correct. However, the whole expression could be made better. For example, we could write "make our lives happier". It seems the writer's self confidence is a double-edged sword. Confidence can help us do more in our lives, but it can also lead to careless mistakes. You should be confident, but also be a bit careful. Then you will have the best of both worlds. Revised Essay The Value of Self Confidence My friends often ask me, "Joe, why are you so carefree all the time?". The answer is quite simple. I owe my carefree attitude to self confidence. Now, some people may

10 say that self confidence is a form of conceit, and they may be right. However, my self confidence allows me to feel relaxed no matter how difficult a task I face, so it is extremely valuable to me. I remember the first time I partipated in an English competition. Three years ago, my classmates chose me to speak in an English competition at our school. When I went onstage, I had butterflies in my stomach. Suddenly, my mother's words came back to me: "If you want to do something, it costs nothing but self confidence". Since I was chosen to be there, it meant I must have the ability to succeed. "Get a hold of yourself", I said silently. "You have prepared for this competition for the past three months. You are the best". Strangely, my nervousness vanished after I spoke to myself with such confidence. I began to speak onstage - the feeling was wonderful. The whole audience applauded afterwards. I was successful! Without my self confidence, I could not have succeeded. My courage and optimism are based on this self confidence. Various difficulties will certainly come into our lives from time to time in the future. If we face those difficulties, if we come to terms with them, we are bound to succeed. Knowing that we are capable of handling any difficulty will build our confidence and lead to success. So, my friends, be confident! Even if you're not the best, it doesn't matter. Don't you always do your best to achieve your aims? Of course you do. That's enough to give you confidence, and confidence will make you happier.

11 ERRORES MÁS COMUNES EN LAS REDACCIONES 1. People is - People en inglés es plural. Por tanto, se dice people are (la gente es) 2. The people are - El the se elimina en nombres genéricos como people o cuando generalizamos. Por ejemplo: People are intelligent (La gente es inteligente) / Men are tall (los hombres son altos) 3. Much (mucho/a para incontables) / Many (muchos/as para incontables) / Very (muy). Ejemplos: much water / many tables / she is very intelligent. 4. Los adjetivos van delante del nombre. Por ejemplo Coche nuevo - new car (sería incorrecto decir car new ) 5. Después de like, love y hate el verbo se escribe en gerundio, excepto si love, like y hate van en condicional. Por ejemplo: I like singing (Me gusta cantar) / I would like to sing (me gustaría cantar). 6. Los verbos en ingles siempre lleva sujeto, aunque en español pueda quitarse porque se sobreentienda. Por ejemplo: (Ellos) trabajan duro (they work hard) En español ellos puede quitarse, en inglés nunca. 7. Las fechas en inglés se dicen con la preposición on, al igual que los días de la semana. Por ejemplo: El 5 de septiembre - On 5 th September El lunes / martes - On Monday / Tuesday. 8. Después de preposición el verbo en inglés se escribe en gerundio. Por ejemplo: I earn money for eating (Gano dinero para comer). 9. En casa o en mi casa en inglés se dice at home. Por ejemplo: I like eating at home (me gusta comer en casa / en mi casa) 10. Los adjetivos en inglés son invariables. No llevan plural. Por ejemplo: They are very intelligent (nunca se podría decir intelligents). 11. Un deporte después del verbo go se expresa en ing. Por ejemplo: We usually go walking / They sometimes go running. 12. El comparative de superioridad se puede formar añadiendo er a los adjetivos cortos o escribiendo more antes de los adjetivos largos. Por ejemplo: John is taller than James (nunca podríamos decir more tall ) John is more intelligent than James (nunca podría ser intelligenter) 13. El verbo esperar en inglés se expresa de varias formas: - Tener esperanza (I hope you win : espero que ganes) - Esperar a algo o alguien (I am waiting for you : te estoy esperando) - Esperar algo de alguien (I expect you to pass: espero que apruebes) 14. Meet significa quedar o quedar con y no es necesario añadir with (con). Por ejemplo: I usually meet my friends at night (normalmente quedo con mis amigos de noche). 15. New year - año nuevo / Christmas Eve La Noche Buena / New Year s Eve - noche vieja