A Smile to Start Your Day. A Smile to Start Your Day

Transcription

1 I grew a beard thinking it would say "Distinguished Gentleman." Instead, turns out it says, "Senior Discount, Please!" A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. The older I get, the earlier it gets late. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day. The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense. Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible Well, tell him I can't see him right now. Smoking will kill you... Bacon will kill you... But, smoking bacon will cure it. Aging gracefully is the nice way of saying you're slowly looking worse. God gave us the brain to work out problems. However, we use it to create more problems. Often, a true friend gives his paw not his hand... My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept telling us to "be positive," but it's hard without him. I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

2 Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don't dress nice for him anymore. My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof. According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician. When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance. What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire. I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point. My husband is on the roof - only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life. Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking. The consensus after the election is that 100% of Americans think 50% of Americans have lost their minds. Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.

3 My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pew at church. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the edge of the pool and throw them fsh? That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you're innocent". Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number? My doctors offce has two doctors on call at all times. Isn t that a paradox? Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water. Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else. The rule: Anytime you have a chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

4 Funny how they say we need to talk when they really mean you need to listen. An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that might be true. People used to laugh at me when I would say I want to be a comedian. Well nobody's laughing now. I m one step away from being rich. All I need now is money. Pleasing everyone is impossible; making everyone angry, piece of cake. I m on that new diet where you eat everything you want and pray for a miracle. I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat. I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is so easy! My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. Some things are better left unsaid, which I always realize right after I ve said them.

5 Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button. Intelligence is like underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off. I ordered 2000 lbs. of Chinese soup. It was Won Ton. Diet Day One: I have removed all the unhealthy food from the house. It was delicious. How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars. Interviewer: So now, please tell me about yourself. Me: I d rather not. I really want this job. I have two hobbies: eating and complaining that I m gaining weight. The right to be heard does not include the right to be taken seriously. One day you're the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you're toast. A 14-year-old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel. Sir, you look extremely young. I can't serve. Oh c'mon. You can't just slide me one? "No, I can t serve alcohol to anyone under 21. Well, what other things do you have? Well for nonalcoholic drinks I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have soda pop. Which would you like? Pop, goes the weasel. What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen.

6 I was reading a book on anti-gravity. I couldn t put it down. How do you know the moon is going broke? It s down to its last quarter. How much did it cost the pirate to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer. As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens. How do your kill a circus clown? Go for the juggler. I haven t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn t want to interrupt her. Dog mom; We re eating dinner soon. Don t fll up on homework. My friend keeps saying, Cheer up, things could be worse. You could be in a deep hole full of water. I know he means well. For his birthday I got my friend a telepathic abacus. It s the thought that counts.

7 Candidate: I frmly believe that the solution to America s problems lies in placing a high tariff on dried grapes. Me: I ll never vote for this clown. I m against raisin taxes. We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank was a monster. Proud father ordering dinner for his family in a Mexican restaurant: Our daughter graduated today with an English degree. Me: That s fantastic. I actually have a PhD in English Literature. Now, can I start you off with some chips and salsa? The invention of the shovel was a ground-breaking discovery. But it was the invention of the broom that truly swept the nation. Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It s hardly ever for them. Near the end of the operation, the patient suddenly woke up and demanded the right to close his incision. Reluctantly, the surgeon handed him the needle and said, Suture self. I got an saying, At Google Earth we can read maps backwards. I thought, That s just spam. Anyone want to buy a broken barometer? No pressure. Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarterback.

8 I put up a high-voltage electric fence around my property. My neighbor is dead against it. What has four letters, sometimes nine but never fve. (Hint: it s not a question.) You want geology puns? Give me a minute and I ll dig some up. I have an inferiority complex, but it s not a very good one. A Persian guy was trying to fght me, but Iran. How do you measure the quality of my puns? With a sighsmograph.. Foot: a device for fnding small objects in the dark. Immature: a word used by boring people to describe fun people. Microwave: a hand gesture used by small people to say hello. What language does your stomach speak? Hungarian. Did you hear about the x-ray specialist who married one of his patients? Everybody wondered what he saw in her. I walk around like everything is fne, but deep down... my sock is sliding off inside my shoe.

9 I have a split personality, said Tom being frank. I asked the librarian if she had any books on paranoia. She glanced around furtively, then drew close and whispered, They re behind you! I don t snore. I dream I m on a motorcycle. If you shook your family tree, how many nuts would fall out? Sometimes I meet people and feel bad for their dog. I gave all my dead batteries away today. Free of charge. What s the worst thing about ancient history class? The teacher tends to Babylon. A guy tried to sell me a coffn today. I told him that s the last thing I need. Whenever I want to start eating healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and snickers. Can we just admit that we may have taken this anyone can grow up to be president thing a little bit too far? I m going to stop asking How dumb can you get? People seem to be taking it as a challenge. I m allergic to stupidity. I break out in sarcasm. Tomorrow: a mythical land where I get all my stuff done. I don t fall down. I do random gravity checks.

10 Does running late count as exercise? My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb. A little boy was so excited because his mom told him he is getting a baby brother. He repeated that to his teacher every day, when he came to school, I m getting a brother. One day his mom allowed him to feel the baby s kicks in her tummy. The next day he came to school and didn t say anything to his teacher, so the teacher asked him, what happened to his brother. He replied, I think mommy ate him. When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his elderly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. I may look like just an ordinary man, he said as he walked up to her, but in a short time my father will die, and I ll inherit 20 million dollars. Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening. Three days later, she became his stepmother. Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off signifcantly after age 25.

11 Youth is the gift of nature, but age is a work of art. Motto of Art s Deli in Studio City: Every sandwich is a work of Art! An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all watching a street performing do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands on a large wooden box and calls our, Can you see me now? They all answer: Yes. Oui. Si. Ya. The worst place to have a heart attack is during a game of charades... especially if the people you are playing with, are really bad guessers. My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning. Can you believe that? 2:30 am! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes. A painter, who lived in Great Britain, Interrupted two girls with their knittin He said, with a sigh, That park bench--well I Just painted it, right where you're sittin. A mouse in her room woke Miss Dowd She was frightened--it must be allowed. Soon a happy thought hit her To scare off the critter, She sat up in bed and meowed. Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

12 A fea and a fy in a fue, Were imprisoned, so what could they do? Said the fy, Let us fee! Let us fy, said the fea, And they few through a faw in the fue. A man went to his lawyer and told him, My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do? Do you have any proof? asked the lawyer. Nope, replied the man. Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you, said the lawyer. But it's only $500, replied the man. Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him. There was an old man from Milan, Whose limericks never would scan. When told this was so, He said, Yes, I know. But I always try to get as many syllables into the last line as I possibly can. A child comes home from his frst day at school. His mother asks, Well, what did you learn today? The kid replies, Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow. Bifocals are God s way of saying, Keep your chin up. A little girl asked her father, Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time? He replied, No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with If Elected I promise... A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog s IQ. Here s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.