SYLVIA BY A.R. GURNEY. For Audition Purposes Only Audition Scene 1 page 1 of 1 Greg and Sylvia
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1 For Audition Purposes Only Audition Scene 1 page 1 of 1 Greg and Sylvia GREG: What are you doing, Sylvia? SYLVIA: Looking around. GREG: Relax, why don t you? SYLVIA: I gotta get used to things. GREG: Sit Sylvia. SYLVIA: I m not ready to sit. GREG: I said, sit. SYLVIA: I m too nervous to sit. GREG: Down, Sylvia. Down. SYLVIA: I m worried about where I sleep. Do I sleep in this couch? GREG: I said sit DOWN, Sylvia. SIT. DOWN. SYLVIA: Ouch. GREG: Then sit! SYLVIA: I m sitting. I m sitting. GREG: Good girl. Now stay. SYLVIA: I m staying. GREG: Good girl. That s a very good girl. SYLVIA: You don t have to hit you know. GREG: It didn t hurt. SYLVIA: It most certainly did! GREG: Then I m sorry. SYLVIA: You ought to be. GREG: I just want you to be on your best behavior. Kate gets home any minute. SYLVIA: Who s Kate? GREG: My wife. OK? SYLVIA: OK. But you don t have to hit. GREG: Then I won t. Ever again. I promise.
2 For Audition Purposes Only Audition Scene 2 page 1 of 2 Greg and Kate GREG: We re home. KATE: Love that we. GREG: Well we are. KATE: You re late again. GREG: I lost track of time. KATE: This is the third time this week. GREG: Time is for slaves, Kate. KATE: Time is for people who have things to do. I have an evening meeting. GREG: In the middle of August? KATE: They re deciding to try a pilot program for my new English curriculum. GREG: What? Hey! Congratulations! You re turning into a big cheese! KATE: I try. GREG: You do more than try! You succeed, Baby! KATE: Let s hope. Anyway, I had to eat early. The microwave stands waiting. GREG: Fine. KATE: Where s Saliva? GREG: Her name is Sylvia, Kate. KATE: Where is she? GREG: She s a little hyper at the moment. I put her in the other room. KATE: No wonder things seem so peaceful. GREG: Kate. Before you go, I ve got a surprise for you. KATE: A surprise? GREG: Remember I said Sylvia was a little hyper? KATE: I vaguely recall that observation, yes. GREG: I ll show you why. KATE: I haven t got much time, Greg.
3 For Audition Purposes Only Audition Scene 2 page 2 of 2 Greg and Kate GREG: Ta da. I had her professionally groomed. See why I was late? They gave her the full treatment: flea dip, nails clipped, ears cleaned, the works. KATE: Really? GREG: They even evacuated her anal glands. KATE: Spare me, Greg. GREG: O.K. But the girl who gave her the bath said she thought she was basically French poodle. They told me she was crawling with fleas. You were right about that, Kate. But now look at her. Isn t she spectacular? Don t you want to keep her now? KATE: Off, Sylvia! GREG: Oh come on. KATE: Off that couch Sylvia! I don t want her on the furniture, Greg.OFF Sylvia! GREG: Smell her, Kate. KATE: I don t want to smell her, Greg. GREG: No really. She smells great. Come on. Smell. KATE: I can smell her from here, sweetie. GREG: Then don t you think she smells great? KATE: She smells like a lavatory in an airplane, Greg. GREG: Oh, Kate. KATE: All right. A lavatory in First Class. GREG: At least you admit she s a class act.
4 For Audition Purposes Only Audition Scene 3 page 1 of 2 Greg and Tom GREG: Good girl. Good.Go on Play Run around Good. TOM: Hiya. GREG: Hello. TOM: New around here? GREG: Just got a dog. TOM: That one yours? GREG: Right. TOM: Cute. GREG: Thanks. TOM: Cute little butt on her. GREG: I agree. TOM: That s my Golden sniffing around her. GREG: Good-looking dog. TOM: His name s Bowser. GREG: He looks like a Bowser. TOM: He is. He s definitely a Bowser. GREG: Mine s called Sylvia. TOM: Sylvia?...Uh. Oh. GREG: You don t like the name Sylvia? TOM: Might cause a problem. GREG: Why? TOM: Give a dog a woman s name, you begin to think of her as a woman. GREG: Oh, yes? TOM: What can be dangerous. Which is why I go for doggy names. Spot. Fido. Bowser Sylvia? That can Spell trouble. GREG: Oh, come on. TOM: Maybe I m just associating. I had a girl named Sylvia.
5 For Audition Purposes Only Audition Scene 3 page 2 of 2 Greg and Tom GREG: Was she good-looking? TOM: No, she was a dog. GREG: They seem to be getting along. TOM: Sylvia and Bowser. Easy, Bowser. Go, slow. Is Sylvia spayed? GREG: She s a stray I haven t had her checked yet. TOM: Don t let them spay her till you re sure she s been in heat. GREG: Don t? TOM: It s a feminist thing. You re supposed to let her experience how it feels to be female.. That way she ll retain a sense of gender later on. GREG: Ah. TOM: There s a book on the subject. Called Play Now, Spay Later. I ll bring it next time I come to the park. GREG: Thanks.
6 For Audition Purposes Only Audition Scene 4 page 1 of 2 Kate and Phyllis PHYLLIS: This is lovely, Kate. I was expecting something more naïve. I mean, for new arrivals. I mean sometimes when people come to New York, they bring their provinces with them. I have a friend who moved from Tampa and brought her entire collection of sea shells. There were shells on tables, shells on the chairs, shells everywhere you looked. I said, these shells are lovely, Sheila, but where do you shit? --- I mean sit. I mean I like your apartment, Kate. KATE: Well it s simple and convenient. Anybody here?... No, thank god. They must be in the park. For the umpteenth time. PHYLLIS: Who? KATE: Don t get me started.but how lucky we ran into each other on the street, Phyllis! PHYLLIS: That s New York for you. The biggest small town in the world. KATE: I m discovering that. PHYLLIS: Well now you and Greg are here, Hamilton and I want to give you a small dinner party. KATE: WAIT! PHYLLIS: What? KATE: No there! You ll ruin that nice jacket. She leaves these great grubby hairs. PHYLLIS: Who? KATE: Sylvia. PHYLLIS: Sylvia? KATE: The dog. PHYLLIS: Oh. You let the dog onto the couch? KATE: I do not. I absolutely forbid it. But she I d prefer not to talk about it. PHYLLIS: Good for you. We New Yorkers all have parts of our life we keep to ourselves. I mean, we all have private parts. I mean. KATE: You haven t changes since Vassar, Phyllis. I hear you and Hamilton are the toast of the East Side. PHYLLIS: Oh, well. We circulate.who would you like to meet? Kitty Carlisle Hart? Charlayne Hunter Gault? Boutros-Boutros-Ghali? KATE: Anyone interested in the New York schools. PHYLLIS: Fine. I ll organize an evening which will focus strictly on the educational--- KATE: She waits, you know. She literally waits, until I m out the door, and then she leaps onto that couch.
7 For Audition Purposes Only Audition Scene 4 page 2 of 2 Kate and Phyllis PHYLLIS: The dog? KATE: Sylvia. And then she hears my key in the latch, she jumps off. PHYLLIS: Are you sure? KATE: I am. Once I sneaked back in, and caught her red handed. PHYLLIS: I hope you punished her immediately. KATE: I tried. But she practically laughed in my face. She only listens to Greg. PHYLLIS: Then Greg should punish her. Dogs are like children. They need to be thoroughly disciplined from the ground up. KATE: Greg? Discipline Sylvia? Don t make me laugh. PHYLLIS: Let s talk dates. For the party. Hamilton and I are booked solid.through October, but how about November 6 th? KATE: Fine. PHYLLIS: Good. There are no friends like old---- KATE: I have a strong suspicion that when I m out of the apartment, they sit on the couch together. PHYLLIS: Greg and Sylvia? KATE: They do everything together. Once I caught them sharing an ice cream cone. PHYLLIS: How disgusting. KATE: And she uses his hairbrush. I mean, he uses it. On her. PHYLLIS: Hamilton has taken up goldfish. KATE: At least they stay in their bowl. PHYLLIS: Not necessarily. KATE: What? PHYLLIS: Sometimes he takes them out into the bathtub. KATE: No! PHYLLIS: I swear! If you bring it up, he ll deny it, but I swear I caught him at it. KATE: Good Lord.
8 For Audition Purposes Only Audition Scene 5 page 1 of 2 Leslie, Kate and Greg LESLIE: I must say, Kate, I find it somewhat difficult to counsel married couples when one of the partners refuses to co-operate. I thought your husband agreed to join us. KATE: He promised he would. LESLIE: Then let s simply assume he s late. KATE: Let s simply assume he s with Sylvia Oh Leslie. Maybe I should just say the hell with the whole thing! LESLIE: Now, now. Don t give up. We ve come a long way you and I. Please sit, Kate. KATE: I wish people would stop telling me to sit. LESLIE: Alright, stand, then. But let s take advantage of Greg s absence to review the bidding. During our last session, you seemed to suggest that he had actually fallen in love with Sylvia. KATE: He has! Totally! LESLIE: Couldn t you be exaggerating? KATE: He says things to her that he never says to me! LESLIE: Such as? KATE: You look beautiful, you look wonderful, I love you. All that stuff. LESLIE: Maybe he s speaking to you through Sylvia, Kate. Maybe Sylvia is simply the medium through which he expresses his love for you. KATE: No, this is different, Leslie. Even when we were first married, he never looked at me the way he looks at Sylvia. LESLIE: And could you describe that look? KATE: There s a sort of deep, distant light in his eyes. A sort of..primeval affection. LESLIE: Do you think.. now how shall I put this Kate? Do you think there is anything physical in his relationship with Sylvia? Now be frank. KATE: NO! LESLIE: You re sure? These things happen. There was a couple in here the other day who did very peculiar things with their cat. KATE: There is nothing physical between Greg and Sylvia. Oh, there s a lot of patting and pawing and stroking and licking---that goes on ad nauseum. But nothing beyond that. I almost wish there were. LESLIE: Why do you say that, Kate?
9 For Audition Purposes Only Audition Scene 5 page 2of 2 Leslie, Kate and Greg KATE: Because then it would be just an affair. And any wife worth her salt can deal with that! But this! This is much deeper. I feel like I m against something that has gone on for hundreds of thousands of years---ever since the first wolf came out of the forest and hunkered down next to the caveman by his fire. LESLIE: But, Kate: don t you think the cave woman must have had a way of shooing that wolf back into outer darkness? KATE: I ve tried! That s why I got the grant to go to England. But all it did was aggravate the issue. Now he loves her even more! He says nothing becomes her like the leaving thereof. So he won t leave her. LESLIE: Ah, but I believe I hear Greg. GREG: Sorry I m late. Hello, darling. KATE: This is Leslie, Greg. GREG: Hi, Leslie. The reason I m late is that Sylvia had to have her stitches taken out. KATE: We re not interested, Greg. LESLIE: No, let him talk, Kate. You ve had your say, he should have his. GREG: While we were at the vet s, we discovered she had worms. Which explains why she s been dragging her butt all over the living room rug. But we plan to take care of that with little pink pills. KATE: See? See what I m up against? LESLIE: Kate, why don t you go to the other room and read a magazine. I d like to talk to Greg alone, if I may. KATE: Is there a phone out there? Maybe I ll just go ahead and reconfirm my single seat on British Airlines. LESLIE: No, now trust me, Kate. I ve been in this business a long, long time. KATE: But he won t listen. It s impossible to get through.
10 For Audition Purposes Only Audition Scene 6 page 1 of 2 Sylvia and Greg GREG: Oh and hey, look! There s the moon! Catch that moon, Sylvia, rising between those buildings! How many people these days really notice the moon? SYLVIA: I suppose you d like me to sit down and howl at it. GREG: I wouldn t mind. SYLVIA: Well I don t think I can do that, Greg. Sorry, I like to think I ve grown beyond that kind of behavior. (sniffing something) Excuse me, but I have to check my messages. GREG: I m thinking about quitting my job, Sylvia. SYLVIA: Oh? GREG: Chucking the whole thing. SYLVIA: What would you do instead? GREG: Something with you, maybe. SYLVIA: I wouldn t mind going into advertising. How would you feel about being in one of those Ralph Lauren ads in the New York Times Sunday Magazine? You nursing a glass of scotch, me curled comfortably on some couch. I could do that, Greg. GREG: No, Sylvia. No advertising please. That s even worse than trading currencies. We should do something more essential, Sylvia. Drug detection, maybe. Can you detect drugs? SYLVIA: I d sure like to try. GREG: Or how about working with the blind. Or I could take you into nursing homes. Or children s wards in hospitals. Old people and kids, Sylvia. They re keyed into the essentials. They d connect with you immediately. SYLVIA: Hold it! GREG: What? SYLVIA: There s something there. GREG: Where? SYLVIA: There! There! Under that parked car. GREG: I don t see. SYLVIA: Hey, hey, hey! GREG: Oh that. That s just a cat. SYLVIA: Knew it!
11 For Audition Purposes Only Audition Scene 6 page 2 of 2 Sylvia and Greg GREG: Just an old pussycat. SYLVIA: Let me at it. GREG: Easy now. SYLVIA: I said let me at that thing. I want to kill that fucker (possible: creep) GREG: No, Sylvia, no. SYLVIA: (to the cat) Hey you! Hey Kitty! You re a sack of shit you know that? GREG: Let s move on, Sylvia. SYLVIA: You re disgusting, Kitty! You re a disgrace to the animal kingdom! GREG: Leave it, Sylvia. Let s move along! SYLVIA: Smell that damn thing! Can you smell it? I can smell it from here! You stink Kitty! Take a bath sometime! GREG: Now now. SYLVIA: Who are you staring at, you sneaky, bastard? You staring at me? GREG: Let s go Sylvia! SYLVIA: Fuck you, Kitty! Up yours with a 10 foot pole! (possible: Screw you Kitty!) GREG: Come on now. SYLVIA: You should be chased up a tree, you cocksucker! I d like to bite off your tail and shove it up your ass! I hate your fucking guts, kitty, and don t you ever forget it! (turning to Greg suddenly pleasant) Well out of sight, out of mind. (possible: Scumbag and omit fucking ) GREG: Wow, Sylvia. SYLVIA: I m sorry. But I had to do it. GREG: You re full of surprises aren t you? SYLVIA: You want instinct, you got instinct. GREG: I sure did. SYLVIA: A whiff of the jungle, right? Nature, tooth and claw. GREG: I ll say. SYLVIA: I must say it helps to express your feelings. GREG: I should say that stuff to Harold at work.
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