Ding Dong Merrily On High

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1 Ding Dong Merrily On High Scene 1 Ted's bedroom: Is the bed comfortable Ricky? Yes, yes... it's good... soft....mmmm. Tomorrow's Christmas Day. Yes, yes... Christmas Day. I can't wait to see what presents I've got. So many presents under the Christmas tree! I know... it's like that every year... they're only small presents but it's really great to get up in the morning and rip the wrapping paper off them and see what you've got... Hey Ricky... what have you bought me? Secret. You've bought me a secret?! No, no, no... I won't say. Wanna know what I bought you? What? I've bought you a secret too. Okay, okay... we'll know in the morning. (Slight pause) Ricky? What? Do you... miss your mum and dad? (Sniffs, pause) Not really. Like I know they were horrible to you but they're still your mum and dad and it is Christmas... families are supposed to be together at Christmas. Hmmm... doesn't matter... we never celebrated Christmas when I was at home... it was nothing... just an ordinary day like any other day. Didn't you give each other presents? No. No balloons?... no turkey?... no Christmas cards?... Christmas 1

2 tree... carols? No. Nothing. How about at Chinese New Year? Did you do stuff then? No, Nothing. Hmmmm.,.. maybe my father would drink a lot of beer and hit me or hit my mum or hit both of us, Are you going to phone them up tomorrow... you know... just to wish them a happy Christmas. No. How about your sister? Daisy? Nothing. Won't you see her? No. Anyway... tomorrow we're gonna have a great day together... presents, games... food, food, food... it's gonna be fun. Hey Ted... (coughs in an embarrassed way) thanks for letting me stay here. No problem Ricky... you've become like one of the family... Pinky's crazy about you. Hmmm... funny girl. Funny? She's nutty... nutty as a fruit cake! Hmmmm. (Slight pause) Hey Ricky... did you buy Li Bin a Christmas present? Mmmm... (mumbles) Yes. Was that a yes? (Grunts) Hey man... what did you buy her? (He coughs and as he coughs he coughs out the word 'hairpin) What was that? A hairpin? Mmmmm... yes. That's nice.., you bought Li Bin a hairpin... but her hair's quite short isn't it? Mmmmmmmm,.., yes. I thought you bought hairpins for girls with Hong hair you know so they can keep their hair up. Mmmmmm... yes. Is it a pretty hairpin? (Coughs and says over the cough) 'Light and Skippy, ' 2

3 You bought her a 'Light and Skippy' hairpin?! Wow! 'Light and Skippy stuff is expensive! Well even if she doesn't wear it she can look at it... Okay Ricks... I guess the faster we go to sleep the sooner we'll wake up and get our presents. Good night Ricks. Yes, the same... the same. Christmas Music Scene 2 Miss Perkins at home on Christmas Eve. One part phone call and monologue. (SFX: Phone rings) I wonder who that could be calling so late. (answering phone) Hello?... Yes this is Miss Perkins... Gladys hello! (listens) Yes. (listens) Oh dear! Really?! (listens some more) Has he? Poor thing. (Listens, disappointed) Yes, yes, of course... I understand he must be feeling dreadful (listens)....me?! Oh, I'll find something to do, don't you worry about me I'll go to church ring home that sort of thing... I'll be alright, (listens) Yes... yes... Okay then... Hope Alan's feeling better... Bye. (replaces phone) Oh dear. What am I going to do now? Gladys has cancelled the Christmas dinner... and now I've got nowhere to go on Christmas Day. That's a bit of a blow, alone on Christmas Day. What shall I do? I can't just sit here all by myself. What have I got to eat? Not much, a few tins that's all... Maybe I can go and eat in a hotel. But all by myself in a hotel on Christmas Day... with kids and families all around me... that might make me feel a bit... out of things... No, I think I'd rather stay here and watch telly or read a book... I can always open a can of tuna fish and make myself a tuna fish sandwich... What a shame Alan got sick... I was really looking forward to going round there and having Christmas dinner with all the family... I wonder if it's too late to buy a plane ticket back to Australia... Dorothy, what ARE you thinking of?!... a ticket to Australia on Christmas Eve?!... all the seats would have been booked months ago!... Anyway, think of the expense.,, Anyway it's not the same back home now that mum and dad have gone... No, I'll make myself a tuna sandwich and have it with a glass of wine and watch some television... Not much of a 3

4 Christmas... but there you are... at least I've got a roof over my head and something to eat... What a shame Gladys cancelled though. (fade) I was looking forward to Christmas dinner with all the family) Scene 3 Li Bin at home on Christmas Eve (Monlogue to herself) crackle of paper as Li Bin feels her wrapped present) A Christmas present from Ricky... I wonder what it is? It's very small but I'm sure it's going to be very nice. I was so surprised. I bought him one but I never thought he would buy me one in return. Ricky's so sweet... he's shy... I like boys... Ricky... my gentleman Ricky... When Daisy and the others locked me in the store room it was Ricky who saved me... he's such a sweet boy... I like the way his hair sticks up all over the place... it's so cute... some people say he used to be really rough... but I don't care what they say... to me he is a kind sweet gentle brave shy boy and when I see him I feel happy, (she sighs) I love... Christmas. Christmas Music Scene 4 It's Christmas Eve... What Christmas presents have you bought me Big Dollar? Here. (SFX: Many presents being presented to Daisy.) Wa! Too many! How can I hold them all... Iris... hold them for me. I can't Daisy...there's too many. Quick phone Anita... tell her to come and help carry my presents. Okay Daisy. Hmmm... a lot of Christmas presents... but I hope they're not cheap... I don't like cheap presents. Hey Daisy... Big Dollar NEVER buys his girls cheap presents. 4

5 Daisy Good... because if I open a present and I see it is cheap... I will throw it hard at your head... understand? You won't need to Daisy. Open some now and see. No, wait till midnight... it's bad luck to open Christmas presents before midnight. And what Christmas present do I get from you Daisy my love? You?! Huh! Nothing. Come on Daisy... don't be cruel to your Big Dollar... it's Christmas... Big Dollar wants a little something from his Daisy. Wait till midnight and if you are a god boy... (High expectations) Yes Daisy I might give you a little kiss on your cheek. (Disappointed) I buy you all these presents and all I get in return is a little kiss on the cheek?!! IF you are lucky. That's not fair Daisy... I deserve something bigger... much bigger. Well you're not getting it and that's that. Come on Daisy... you've given it to other boys. (Angry) What?! Who told you that?! Come on Daisy... everybody knows. I have NEVER given the BIG PRESENT to a boy before... Never. Really Daisy? Are you sure? (crude laugh) Maybe you gave it while you were sleeping. (SFX: Big Dollar and Hammer enjoy a crude laugh together). Big Dollar... why don't you take all your presents and shove them in that Big Dollar Big Mouth of yours. Don't be angry with me Daisy... I was only repeating what every body else says. Well everybody else is stupid. Okay, okay Daisy, I'm sorry... but when midnight comes... and it's Christmas Day... be nice to me daisy, okay... be nice to me. Huh! I'll think about it! Hey Hammer... not in public! It's not me Boss it's her... Iris she won't leave me alone. Iris... down girl...down. Sorry Daisy. 5

6 Anita: Hammer. Anita: Anita: Anita: Have you phoned Anita yet? Yes Daisy... look she's coming now. Hi Daisy, Hi Iris, Hi Big Dollar, Hi Hammer... Iris! Don't let him do that to you in public! I'm not doing anything... it's her... Iris... she's doing it. (Strict) Iris, behave yourself. Sorry Daisy... but it's Christmas and and you gave Hammer to me as my Christmas present and... and... I was just...unwrapping him... that's all. (Strict) Well don't, it's not midnight yet you can unwrap him at midnight and not before. Boss... help... Iris is going to unwrap me. Lucky you. But Boss... I don't want to be unwrapped... it's too cold. Okay... swap places then... Iris can unwrap me. (Furious) STAY WHERE YOU ARE!! If you so much as move an inch towards Iris I'm going to take these Christmas presents and throw them all under a car!! Hey Daisy don't be so serious... I was only having a bit of fun. Well don't! You're only allowed to have fun if I say so... UNDERSTOOD!! Yes Boss. Wa! Big Hammer called Daisy Boss! I've never heard him call ANYONE 'Boss' before. Anita... carry these presents for us. Wa! So many presents. Carry mine and if you have any room left you can also carry Iris's. Okay Daisy. (SFX: Picking up all the crackly wrapped presents) Wa! They're so heavy, (SFX: She drops a present it falls on the floor) (angry) Careful Anita! if you drop and break any of those Christmas presents... you have to pay for them, okay? Yes Daisy... sorry Daisy. Now Big Dollar... where are we going now? I've booked a room in a restaurant in Yau Ma Tai... we've got it all night we can eat abalone and drink sharks fin soup and brandy and play mahjong. And at midnight we can open the Christmas presents there. 6

7 (Gleeful) Oh goody goody goody... I can't wait. Hey... you girl... Iris... you're not unwrapping me... understand?... I am a person... not a Christmas present. (Sweet high voice) Oh Hammer, please... please let me unwrap you? No! Boss tell her, Iris is harassing me. Let her do what she wants Hammer... it's Christmas... a time of joy and good will... and a time to unwrap presents, Please Boss... please help me. Don't worry Hammer... I'll keep her under control. Thank you Daisy. (Strict) Iris... no unwrapping Hammer... Okay? Yes Daisy. Thank you Boss... I mean... thank you Daisy. BREAK Scene 5 (shrieking) Happy Christmas! Happy Christmas everyone! (groans. Bleary voice) What time is it? Wake up! Wake Up! It's Christmas Day!! (groans) Go away Pinky... it's not even light yet. But it's gone twelve o'clock so it's Christmas Day. Technically yes but... oh just go back to bed will you. Wicky... wicky... wake up and open your presents. (Half asleep) Uh? Where am I? What's going on? Here Wicky... open this present.., it's from ME!! Pinky! Do you know what the time is? IT's only one o'clock! Now go back to bed like a good little girl Wicky! Wicky! Open your present. (Groans) Leave Ricky alone Pinky... he wants to sleep. Wicky! Wake Up! Look... I wrapped your present in nice paper... look.,. it's got teddy bears all over it. Pinky... if you don't leave my room now I'm going to wrap YOU up with ROPE... really TIGHT... and I'm going to wrap a scarf around your mouth and dump you at the foot of the tree and I 7

8 WON'T unwrap you until morning! Wicky! Wicky! Open it! Here! Open it! Take that present OUT of Ricky's face! (Whiney voice) I want him to open it. Go back to bed. No. Now! No! (warning tone) Pinky... I'll tell mum and dad. I want Wicky to open his pwesent. Pinky... if Ricky opens ONE present... YOUR present... will you promise to go back to bed? Yeth Ted. Okay, But just ONE... do you hear. Ricky! Ricky! You can open it!!! Sorry Ricky... would you mind opening Pinky's present... it's the only way we're going to get rid of her. (Half asleep) Okay, okay. Happy Christmas Ricky!!! Thank you, thank you. (SFX: tearing wrapping off present) Do you like it Wicky? He hasn't opened it yet. (SFX: Finally ripping off last paper) Oh! A spoon... very nice a spoon. An old spoon... Hey Pinky..,. you got that spoon from the kitchen. No I didn't. Yes you did... look, it's one of mum's spoons... you got it from the kitchen, wrapped it up and gave it to Ricky. It's a nice spoon. Let's see what you got me. Hmmm... something long and thin... I wonder what that could be. (SFX: Ripping off paper) A pair of old chop sticks! From the kitchen. 8

9 It's not from the kitchen. Yes it is Pinky. It's okay... I like it...mmmm... nice spoon. mmmm... I can eat my Christmas dinner with my nice spoon. See Teddy!! Wicky likes his spoon! Yeah, and these chop sticks are great too... they're just a bit old and familiar that's all. Now come on Pinky... remember what we said open one present an then you go back to bed. No Teddy! I don't wanna go back to bed. Pinky... you promised. I didn't. Did. Didn't. Did, did, did... now out! I wanna stay and play with Wicky. OUT!! No! NO! NO! (she starts crying) I wanna play with Wicky. (she cries) (Groans) Who ever invented Christmas! Christmas Music Scene 6 Miss Perkin's flat (SFX: Alarm clock. Someone turning it off. Groans.Sleep groggy voice) I must have forgotten to turn that off. What time is it? Where's my glasses, I can't see a thing without my glasses. There they are now let's see... seven thirty... (groans) I could have slept on... but now I'm awake, that's it.. I know what I'm like, I can never fall asleep again once I've woken up. Oh well Dorothy.,, Happy Christmas to you..,. Now what am I going to do to-day... (fade) Scene 7 Dad: Dad: Rise and shine! It's Christmas Day. Time to open presents. 9

10 Dad: Dad: Dad: Time to eat and play! What time is it? Nine o'clock. Pinky came in and woke us up at ONE! Did you Pinky? But I wanted to give Wicky his present Mummy, She gave him one of your spoons. Did you Pinky? And I got a pair of your old chopsticks. Well guess what she gave daddy? An old cup? No... your black leather jean belt. My jean belt?! Pinky gave that to dad?!! Don't worry son... you can have it back. No, it's your present Daddy... don't give it back! But that's my favourite belt! Come on Ted,,. it's Christmas Day... you won't begrudge your old Dad an old belt will you? It's not an old belt it's a new one and it cost me ninety eight dollars. How are you feeling Ricky... did you sleep well. Yes, yes, thank you, thank you Mrs Poon. Would you like to call your parents to-day... wish them merry Christmas Ricky? Um, I don't think so... not to-day. Come on everybody... what are we waiting for... let's go and open our presents! Yeeeeeeeeeah! Um... before we do that I d just like to say... well... I hope you won't be angry but... What is it Mum? Tell us? What's happened? Well, um... somebody, and I'm not saying who... somebody has already opened all the presents for us already. Oh no! Not Again! Pinky! I'll murder you... you did this last year as well! I didn't do it. Oh no... well who did then? I don't know, 10

11 Think of it as a service Ted... Pinky unwrapped the presents so now... you don't have to go to all that trouble! But half the fun is unwrapping the presents. Pinky! Wa! I'm going to chase you! (Shrieks shrilly with delight) (Roars) I'm a lion.,. a big lion.,, and I'm going to eat you for my Christmas dinner. (Shrieks again) (Sniffs loudly) mmm... what's that smell... smells like a nice piece of Pink meat!!! Yes... Pinky Pork Meat.. for my Christmas dinner Mmmm I like a bit of pink pork (roars) (Shrieks) (Ricky roaring after Pinky as she runs off shrieking) Dad: I think I'll just go back to sleep for a few hours, Come on son... get up it's a lovely day and mum's steamed some delicious pork buns for breakfast. Really? Oh in that case... Scene 8 In her flat, Christmas stuff on her radio Hmmm. rubbish on the television thank heavens for the radio well I've had my tuna sandwich and drank a glass of wine and it's now. twelve thirty... only twelve thirty still so early... what am I going to do with the rest of Christmas day? I might as well have another glass of wine... I ll drink it with biscuits they're a bit stale but... never mind... (SFX: Pouring wine) There...Cheers Dad... Cheers Mum... wherever you are... (SFX: Big sips of wine. Chewing on a biscuit) Mmmm... stale biscuits... never mind. I feel a bit sleepy now... (SFX: Echo effect)... a bit sleepy... sleepy... sleepy. (The following scene is the ghost of Miss Perkins Mum visiting her on Xmas Day and should all be done in echo effect.) (Echo) Hello dear. (Echo) Mum! What are you doing here9 I thought you were.. you 11

12 know... not here any more... on the other side...mother. I am dear... but I thought I'd pop back to give you a bit of company... you could do with a bit of company couldn't you dear. Yes Mum... to tell you the truth I'm feeling a bit lonely to-day. Are you dear? What, lonely on Christmas Day?... now that won't do will it. You see I was going to have Christmas dinner round at Gladys and Alan's... in Pokfulam....but then then Alan got sick and they cancelled. How do you know that? Oh Dorothy... when you're on the other side you can see and hear everything. Can you? Oh yes. Are you often near me Mum? All the time poppet. Poppet. You haven't called me that for... well... years and years. No... I haven't have I dear. Mum... will you stay with me to-day? You won't go away will you. Don't worry dear... I won't go... I'll stay. And you'll talk to me... just like this. Yes dear... I will. Would you like a drop of wine Mum... it's lovely wine.. Australian No thanks dear We can't you see it would slip straight through us. Oh yes... I see... Biscuit? Can't eat either. Never mind... you can talk and that's the most important thing isn't it Mum. Yeas dear.. it is... a bit of a chat never did anyone any harm. Don't go will you Mum.,, please don't go. Shhhhh... shhhh... don't get yourself upset.,., just close your eyes and have a little rest now. (sleepy voice) You won't go when I'm sleeping will you Mum. No... I won't... Happy Christmas dear...happy Christmas to you my darling girl... (echo and fade) Scene 9 12

13 (SFX: Phone ringing. Christmas carols playing on the radio in the background.) Wicky... let's play lions and piggys... you be the lion and I'll be the likkle piggy... and... and you chase me and try to eat me... (Speaks this over Mum's lines below) Hello... yes... sure But Pinky.. you've already played that game,.and Ricky must be tired. I don't mind Mrs Poon. Ricky... it's for you. Oh... oh okay... sorry Mrs Poon, sorry Pinky. Be quick Wicky!! I want to play!!! Okay.. I'll be quick Pinky... don't worry,.. I'll be quick, (picking up receiver) Wai? (on phone. Nice if we can get other end of phone line effect) Hi Rcky... it's me... Li Bin. Li Bin! Oh Li Bin! I just called to wish you a Happy Christmas. Happy Christmas... yes... and the same the same Li Bin... Happy Christmas... yes... yes. An um... thank you SO MUCH for my 'Light and Skippy' hairpin. You like it? I love it. Yes yes I really really do... it's the most beautiful hairpin I've ever had. Wa! That's great! Great! I'm sorry I didn't buy you a present Ricky. Me? Me? A present? (gruff laugh) I don't need one. But I want to give you something Ricky... No no... never mind... never mind Li Bin... Ricky... put your ear close to the phone... very close... Uh? Okay... okay. I'm going to give you your present. Okay Li Bin... my ear is close to the phone. Ready? Yes. (SFX: Li Bin kisses the receiver - sending a kiss to Ricky) 13

14 Did you get it? Um... um... I... I... think so. It was something very very simple... a Christmas kiss... just for you Ricky. (SFX: Somebody fainting onto the floor - a body thump) Ricky? Ricky are you there? Ricky?! What's happened to Ricky? He's fainted! Oh no! Wicky! Wicky! Quick... call the doctor... Ricky's fainted. No, Wait! Stop! Look... he's smiling... he's smiling... he's got the biggest smile on his face I have EVER seen! And he's singing mummy wicky is singing. (Drunk with happiness) Ding Dong Merrily on High... in heaven the bells are ringing etc.... Fade The End 14

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