Families en Fuego: If the story of Romeo and Juliet appeared on The Jerry Springer Show

Transcription

1 Families en Fuego: If the story of Romeo and Juliet appeared on The Jerry Springer Show SCENE 1 INT. SET OF THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW. AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHANTING JERRY S NAME. JERRY ENTERS FROM BACKSTAGE. JERRY Thank you. Thank you. Thank you all very much; you re too kind. Welcome to the show. Thank you. (JERRY PAUSES WHILE THE AUDIENCE QUIETS DOWN.) Today on The Jerry Springer Show we have an update from our show Families en Fuego. Two households, both alike in dignity hold an ancient grudge against one another. Over the years their conflict has erupted into new mutiny where civil blood makes civil hands unclean. From the depths of this feud comes a new hope for peace. A pair of star-crossed lovers with their misadventured piteous overthrows seek to bury their parent s strife. However, their plan takes a tragic turn in this update show that rocks both families to the ground. Will peace be a solution for these two families or will one family finally settle the feud once and for all the old fashioned way? The answers today on The Jerry Springer Show. AUDIENCE STANDS AND CHANTS JERRY S NAME. SCENE 2 INT. LORD MONTAGUE, LORD CAPULET, AND LADY CAPULET ARE SEATED ON STAGE. JERRY Lord Montague, why don t you tell us your side of the story. LORD MONTAGUE Well Jerry, Romeo was hung up over this girl named Rosaline for a while. I had no idea he was hanging with Juliet instead. If Tybalt wasn t such a jerk, we wouldn t be on this stupid talk show. It s all Tybalt s fault. LORD CAPULET If you had better tabs on Romeo, he wouldn t have hooked up with Juliet. It s all your fault. LORD MONTAGUE Oh yeah, well if your. Oh, why are we fighting like kids? Let s fight like men! I could whoop your rear any day! Bring it on sissy! What are thou drawn among a heartless hind? Turn thee, Lord Capulet; Look upon thy death. LORD CAPULET Alright! Bring it on!

2 AUDIENCE CHEERS AND CHANTS JERRY'S NAME. LORD CAPULET AND LORD MONTAGUE GET INTO EACH OTHER'S FACES AND START SHOVING EACH OTHER. STEVE Break it up! I do but keep the peace. Put up thy sword, or manage it to part these men with me. STEVE BREAKS UP LORD CAPULET AND LORD MONTAGUE JERRY Okay you guys, settle down. Let s try to get to the core of the problem and find a way to solve it. So, Lord Capulet, why do you think Romeo began this bloody fray? LORD CAPULET Well, uhmmm, ahhh. It s just all his fault. LORD MONTAGUE Oh, shut up! LORD CAPULET Do you really wanna get beat up today? LADY CAPULET Oh, shut up! A crutch, a crutch! Why call you for a sword? All you are trying to do is act all macho. AUDIENCE CHEERS AND CHANTS JERRY'S NAME. LORD MONTAGUE Ha! Your wife thinks I can beat you too! LADY CAPULET You had better just shut up before I take care of you myself! LORD MONTAGUE Turn and draw you villain! Bring it on! LADY CAPULET AND LORD MONTAGUE START SHOVING EACH OTHER. AUDIENCE CHEERS. STEVE Break it up! O calm, dishonorable, vile submission! Alla stoccata carries it away. JERRY You guys, we are not solving anything. So, let s remind our viewers what happened the last time these two families were here. FLASHBACK TO PREVIOUS EPISODE. SCENE 3 INT. SET OF THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW SIX MONTHS EARLIER. SAMPSON AND GREGORY ARE ON STAGE.

3 JERRY Please welcome two servants of the Capulets, Sampson and Gregory, to the show. AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS. It is important to note that Sampson and Gregory are haters of the Montagues. You both have come here today to share something with us, have you not? SAMPSON (to JERRY) Well Jerry, you see, our house has been in quarrel for years with the Montagues. JERRY So, you ve come here to tell us why you despise them? GREGORY Tis true, we hold a hatred against any blood of Montague. SAMPSON The head of our household and the Montague household have had a grudge for as long as we can remember. (aside to GREGORY) Hey Gregory, I will show myself a tyrant. I have fought with the men and now I will be civil with the women. I will cut off their maidenheads! GREGORY (with false bravado) Yeah, you know that s right! JERRY Okay, I m not sure I understand all this. I must admit, it sounds a little stupid. What is this fight all about? SAMPSON Jerry, you got it all wrong. JERRY Well then, how about you tell the Montagues themselves and let s see if we can figure out what s going on here. GREGORY Bring them out because I got something to say to them. SAMPSON A ight, bring them dogs on out!! GREGORY (with false bravado) Yeah, you know that s right! GREGORY AND SAMPSON GIVE EACH OTHER A TAP. JERRY Well then, let s welcome the Montagues, Abram and Benvolio! ABRAM AND BENVOLIO ENTER. AUDIENCE BOOS. ABRAM (to SAMPSON and GREGORY) Shut your holes! BENVOLIO You best shut it, because you don t even know the story! SAMPSON Don t even start, cause I ll beat you!

4 ABRAM Boy, you best not start with me, cause I ll bust a cap in your backside!! AUDIENCE CHEERS. JERRY Settle down! Now, let s hear what the Montagues have to say. AUDIENCE QUIETS. ABRAM Yo Jerry, listen to this. You see me and my homeboys have a problem with those Capulets. JERRY I think we ve seen that you have a problem with the Capulets. We understand that; but what we don t understand is why you have such a problem with the Capulets. ABRAM Cause they got a problem, you know? BENVOLIO Listen Abram, you have no reason to quarrel. ABRAM Benvolio, you so crazy. SAMPSON (aside to GREGORY) Will the law be on my side if I bite my thumb at them? GREGORY (aside to SAMPSON) Yes. ABRAM AND BENVOLIO QUIET; SAMPSON AND GREGORY BEGIN TO LAUGH. SAMPSON BITES HIS THUMB AT THEM. ABRAM (to SAMPSON) Do you bite your thumb? SAMPSON Yes, I do bite my thumb. ABRAM At us? SAMPSON (with a look of disgust) Yes. ABRAM Do you wish to quarrel? GREGORY Why, so we can beat you senseless? ABRAM Boy, don t even start, a ight? Draw your fists! ABRAM AND GREGORY BEGIN TO FIGHT. BENVOLIO Part fools, keep the peace and put up thy fists. ENTER TYBALT. TYBALT Turn thee, Benvolio; look upon thy death.

5 BENVOLIO I only wish to keep the peace! JERRY Yes, keep the peace! TYBALT What? Drawn and talk of peace? I hate the word as I hate hell, all Montagues, and thee. BENVOLIO Please, let us not quarrel. TYBALT Boy, don t start with me! Draw your fists and let s finish this! TYBALT AND BENVOLIO START PUSHING AND SHOVING EACH OTHER. 2 OR 3 PUNCHES TO THE FACE. STEVE ENTERS AND BREAKS UP FIGHT. SCENE 4 INT. SET OF THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW JERRY Whoa! Before we bring our next guest out on stage, let s recap what s happened. The Montagues and Capulets have been at war since anyone can remember. The fight that just broke out is now under control, thank God! Now let s welcome Romeo Montague and Nurse to the stage. AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS. ROMEO AND NURSE MAKE THEIR ENTRANCE AND SIT ON STAGE. ROMEO (to JERRY) Hey Jerry, what s up? NURSE Hello, hello. JERRY (to ROMEO) So, Romeo, you ve come her today to reveal a secret? ROMEO You bet I have a secret. Last week me and my boys went clubbin and I saw this really fly girl. And I m here today to profess my undying love to her. JERRY (to NURSE) How do you feel about this, Nurse? NURSE (to JERRY) Well, I think that Romeo is moving really fast. It is too sudden too unadvised. (to ROMEO) If you really love her than I suppose you should tell her. Just do not lead her into a fool s paradise. ROMEO (to JERRY) I really love her, Jerry. JERRY Romeo, well, since you seem to be in love with her, how about you tell her? Let s welcome Juliet to our show.

6 JULIET ENTERS. AUDIENCE APPLAUDS. JERRY (to JULIET) How are you Juliet? JULIET (to JERRY) Hey Jerry, I m doing very well. JERRY Good. Well, do you know why the Nurse brought you here to Chicago today? JULIET No, not knowing makes me really nervous. JERRY Well, look around. Do you see anyone you know? JULIET (with emotion, happiness, and surprise) Oh Romeo, Romeo!! I ve missed you so much!! ROMEO AND JULIET HUG. BOTH SMILING. I thought I d never see you again. JERRY So, you ve met Romeo before? JULIET Yeah, we meet at a club and it seems like fate brought us together or something. I feel like I love him. JERRY Well, Romeo do you have something to tell Juliet? ROMEO Yeah, I do. ROMEO PULLS FLOWERS AND AN ENGAGEMENT RING FROM BEHIND HIS CHAIR AND WALKS OVER TO JULIET. HE HANDS THE FLOWERS TO JULIET AND GETS DOWN ON ONE KNEE. Juliet Capulet, I ve loved you ever since I saw you getting your groove on at the club and by proposing to you I hope to bring us together forever. I am asking you with all my heart and soul to be my wife. I vow by the moon that I will love you for eternity. JULIET O, do not swear by the moon, the inconstant moon. Swear by yourself if you wish to swear or do not swear at all. ROMEO I do swear. I swear by myself that I shall love you for eternity. ROMEO PUTS ENGAGEMENT RING ON JULIET S FINGER. Will you marry me? JULIET (to ROMEO) Yes, though I feel it may be too rash. JULIET BEGINS TO CRY.

7 Yes! I love you!! Let s get married. JERRY Well, since you two are in love I think we need to marry you now. Let s bring out the couple s priest, Friar Laurence. FRIAR LAURENCE ENTERS AND THE AUDIENCE APPLAUDS. FRIAR HAS A WORRIED LOOK ON HIS FACE. FRIAR LAURENCE (mumbling aside) Wisely and slow. They stumble that run fast. (to ROMEO) Do you Romeo take Juliet to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, for richer and poorer, through sickness and health, til death do you part? ROMEO (to JULIET) I do. FRIAR LAURENCE (to JULIET) Do you Juliet take Romeo to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, for richer and poorer, through sickness and health, til death do you part? JULIET (to ROMEO) Yes, I do. FRIAR LAURENCE (to ROMEO and JULIET) By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife. AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHEERS. SCENE 5 INT. SET OF THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW ROMEO, JULIET, JERRY ARE ON STAGE JERRY (to AUDIENCE) Okay, we are back with Romeo and Juliet. Let s bring out Romeo s best friend Mercutio. MERCUTIO ENTERS JERRY (to MERCUTIO) Hello Mercutio. I believe Romeo has something to tell you ROMEO Mercutio, we have something to tell you. Juliet and I were married just a few minutes ago. JULIET What do you think of our marriage? MERCUTIO I m so happy for you guys! I m speechless! Queen Mab s dream has come true!

8 PARIS AND TYBALT RUN ON STAGE TYBALT What in the world are you guys doing? JERRY Tybalt, I think Romeo and Juliet want to tell you something. PARIS (aside to JULIET) Yeah, do you need to tell me something, sweetie? JULIET Yes, I do have something to tell you. Romeo and I were wed. TYBALT (to JULIET) What?!? Why the did you marry this loser? PARIS (to JULIET) What are you talking about!?! I can t believe you! JULIET I m in love with Romeo and there is nothing you can do about it! TYBALT, RAGEFUL, GOES AFTER ROMEO WITH THE INTENTION TO KILL HIM. MERCUTIO TRIES TO DEFEND ROMEO WHEN HE REFUSES TO FIGHT. ROMEO I do protest I never injured thee. MERCUTIO Make haste, lest mine be about your ears. STEVE ENTERS THE STAGE TO TRY TO BREAK UP THE FIGHT. STEVE Break it up! TYBALT PICKS UP A CHAIR AND BREAKS IT OVER STEVE S HEAD. JULIET RUNS TO THE SIDE OF THE STAGE IN FEAR. PARIS FOLLOWS HER AND TRIES TO WOO HER. PARIS (to JULIET) You ll be safe with me. Divorce Romeo and I ll treat you like a real woman. JULIET How dare you! JULIET SLAPS HIM. AS THIS TAKES PLACE TYBALT STABS AND KILLS MERCUTIO WITH THE LEG OF A CHAIR. MERCUTIO (with anger) You have made worm s meat of me! A plague on both your houses! ROMEO TAKES REVENGE ON TYBALT AND KILLS HIM WITH A POCKET KNIFE. ROMEO LOOKS OVER AT JULIET TO SEE IF SHE IS OKAY AND SEES PARIS WOOING HER. ROMEO STRANGLES PARIS OUT OF FRUSTRATION AND LEAVES HIM UNCONSCIOUS. ROMEO LOOKS AROUND AND REALIZES WHAT HE HAS DONE. ROMEO O! I am fortune s fool!

9 AUDIENCE CHANTS JERRY S NAME. ROMEO FALLS TO HIS KNEES AND BEGINS TO BAWL. JERRY (freaking out) Cut that out! Oh my God, my show has turned into a blood bath! We will be right back. SCENE 6 INT. SET OF THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW JERRY AND NURSE ON STAGE JERRY So Nurse, why don t you tell us what occurred after our previous little get together on the show. NURSE Well, after Tybalt s death, Romeo was exiled from Verona. Juliet was really depressed and threatening to kill herself. JERRY Let me get this straight. She was threatening to kill herself because of Tybalt? NURSE No! She really didn t care about Tybalt at the time, just Romeo. JERRY Alright, I see. Go on. NURSE So I went to Friar Laurence s cell to talk to Romeo and to bring him back to Juliet for their wedding night. AUDIENCE CHEERS AND CHANTS JERRY S NAME. JERRY And what happened next? NURSE And so after they had their fun, Romeo left for Mantua that morning. That s when my Lady Capulet came in and told Juliet she was to marry Paris that Thursday. JERRY And what did you have to say about this Nurse? NURSE I told Juliet this was a great idea because Paris was a man of wax. But no, she insisted on being loyal to Romeo and that s all I know. JERRY But wait one minute. Wasn t Juliet already married to Romeo when you encouraged her to marry Paris? NURSE Yes, she was. AUDIENCE GASPS AND THE NURSE HANGS HER HEAD IN SHAME. JERRY Alright, let s bring out the Friar.

10 FRIAR ENTERS. AUDIENCE APPLAUDS. Can you tell us what happened after Romeo left Juliet s house the morning after their wedding night? FRIAR Yes. Romeo and Juliet dropped by my cell and told me of a plan they had created. They wanted a potion that would make them appear dead. No warmth, no breath shall testify they livest. They told me they were going to take the potion together. JERRY So you re telling me that they wouldn t really die; it would just appear that they would be dead? How would this potion work? FRIAR It almost completely shuts down your central nervous system so you barely breathe, and your heart barely pumps. So, it appears that the person who has taken this potion is dead. Romeo and Juliet both took the potion and their families came and took them to their separate tombs. The plan was for me to wake Romeo first, so he could just go to Juliet s tomb and wake her up. It didn t go exactly as planned, I guess. Because all I know, when I went to go check on them and Juliet s tomb, to see if Romeo had successfully woken up Juliet. However, I discovered that they were both dead. AUDIENCE GASPS AND ACTS SURPRISED. JERRY You mean fake dead, or really dead? FRIAR No, I mean really dead. Apparently, it was a double suicide. NURSE (yelling) What kind of Friar are you? You allowed two innocent children to kill themselves? FRAIR COWERS IN HIS CHAIR. SCENE 7 INT. SET OF THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW JERRY, LORD CAPULET, FRIAR, LORD MONTAGUE, NURSE, STEVE, LADY CAPULET ON STAGE. JERRY We re back to get to the bottom of this ongoing family feud. We ll start with hearing the Capulet s thoughts. (to LORD CAPULET) Lord Capulet, why do you believe your daughter died? LORD CAPULET (pointing at LORD MONTAGUE and FRIAR) I think it is all their fault! FRIAR (shocked) What? How can you blame this tragedy on me? All I tried to do was end the fighting!

11 LADY CAPULET But you re the one who came up with the idea for those kids to take that evil potion. FRIAR Please, ma am, it was not my wish for this to end as it did. But more fighting will only make things worse. LORD MONTAGUE (quietly) Besides, it is all your fault anyway. LORD CAPULET (to LORD MONTAGUE) What did you say? LORD MONTAGUE You heard me loud and clear! If you had better control of Tybalt and his temper tantrums the fighting never would have become so out of hand. NURSE My lord, he does have a LORD CAPULET (interrupting) Shut up!! He has no point. He s just a stuck-up, spoiled little brat! Give me my long sword! LADY CAPULET Thou shalt not stir one foot to seek a foe. AUDIENCE CHEERS. BOTH FAMILIES STAND UP AND BEGIN TALKING TRASH. STEVE WALKS ON STAGE AND MOTIONS FOR BOTH FAMILIES TO SIT DOWN. AUDIENCE CHANTS JERRY S NAME. STEVE Throw your mistempered composure to the ground, and hear the sentence of your mediator. If ever you disturb our show again, your presence shall pay the forfeit of the peace. AUDIENCE QUIETS DOWN, JERRY CONTINUES. JERRY Now Lords, has it ever occurred to you that all this fighting is over a cause that really can t be helped? If you keep fighting you will only make the problem worse. LORD MONTAGUE But Jerry, they killed my son! JERRY Did they really kill your son, or did he do it under his own will? LORD MONTAGUE Well, ummm FRIAR Lords, why don t you just resolve this? The deaths of Romeo and Juliet are no one s fault except their own. JERRY Have you two ever actually listened to this man? LORD CAPULET (beginning to comprehend his mistake) I guess I did kind of jump to conclusions.

12 LORD MONTAGUE Yeah, and I was a little stuck-up. LORD CAPULET Well, I don t know if a little stuck-up would NURSE (interrupting) Shut up you little baby!! AUDIENCE CHUCKLES. LADY CAPULET (jokingly) Ha! I guess you had that coming! LORD CAPULET Yeah, I guess I did. JERRY I m beginning to sense that these two families are finding some common ground. Does this mean the feud is over and that there will be no more fighting? LORD CAPULET (considering JERRY s question) (to LORD MONTAGUE) So, are we agreed, no more fighting? LORD MONTAGUE You ve gotta deal. So, what do you say we go get some food. I m starving. LORD CAPULET (playfully) There you go again, always thinking about yourself. JERRY So, there you have it. From foes to friends, just like that. We ll be right back with my Final Thoughts. SCENE 8 INT. SET OF THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW JERRY ON STAGE. JERRY (aside to camera) A glooming peace hangs over all of our heads this afternoon. The storm clouds we have witnessed today have blocked out the sun in his glory. For sorrow, he shall not show his head. No matter how serious and engrossing our personal feuds may be, we must all bear in mind that our fighting affects people far beyond the reach of our fists and that our problems are also the problems of others. How far will our arguments and disagreements go? Where will our feuds find an end? How many relationships must be ruined, how many families must be torn apart, how many of our children must die before we realize this? Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things; some shall be pardoned, and some punished. For never was there a story of more woe than this of Juliet and her Romeo. Until then, take care of yourselves, and each other. AUDIENCE CHEERS AND CHANTS JERRY S NAME.