[A man comes in with a very large cardboard box] [Mr. Guppy sits down with the box on his knees. He can just see over the top.]

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1 Sick as a Parrot 4 parts:,, Mr/s., Mr/s Crumbly [There is a knock on the door of the vet s surgery] Come in, please. [A man comes in with a very large cardboard box] Good morning. Good morning, sir. Mr. isn t it? That s right. Do take a seat, Mr. [Mr. sits down with the box on his knees. He can just see over the top.] What have you got there, Mr.? A cardboard box. Yes we can see that, Mr., but what have you got in it? A hamster. It s a big box isn t it? It s a big hamster. Let s take a look then. Put the box on the table, Mr, please. [The vet & nurse look inside the box & burst out laughing] What s the matter? It s your hamster. What s wrong with my hamster? Well it s not a hamster, is it? Not a hamster? No, it s not. It s a rabbit. Say that again! Your hamster, Mr., is a rabbit. A very big rabbit. The man who sold it to me said it was an Irish hamster! What man was that? The man down the market. Not the outside the chip shop? Yes that s him. I might have known. Might have known what? I might have known that he sold it to you. Why? Well he sold a man a canary last week. So what? The yellow paint came off in the bird bath.

2 It was a sparrow underneath! Well I don t care whether I ve got a hamster or a rabbit, there s another problem. What s that? It doesn t speak. Speak Mr.? I just did. No, not you sir! It s not meant to speak. It s a rabbit. The man said it was a good talker. He said it could sing God save the Queen. Have you ever heard rabbits singing God save the Queen? Have you? No I haven t. Then how do you know they can t? Animals don t sing God Save the Queen or indeed any other song, Mr.. My tiger does. You ve got a tiger that sings God Save the Queen? That s right. It must be a very clever tiger then. No, it s not. It keeps forgetting the words. And where is this tiger, Mr.? It s in a pram outside. In a pram! Why is it in a pram? They wouldn t let it on the bus!, please show Mr. into the other room. I ll have to deal with him later. [The nurse helps to his feet] Be careful! I ve got some goldfish in my trouser pockets. Goldfish?! Shouldn t they be in water? What and get my legs wet? [Mr is led away. The nurse returns] Phew! Better get the next person in, nurse.

3 Sick As A Parrot [part 2] Mrs. Crumbly Mrs. Crumbly please, your turn now. [Mrs Crumbly comes in with a very long cardboard tube. She is pulling it with a piece of string.] Hello Mrs. Crumbly. Sit down please. Crumbly Where do I put me tube then? Perhaps you d like to lay it on the floor. Crumbly All right, but mind where you put your feet. I always do. I spend a lot of time in farm yards! [he laughs] Crumbly Aren t you going to ask me any questions? Yes of course we are. Well then, Mrs. Crumbly, what appears to be the matter? Crumbly It s me gerbil. What s wrong with your gerbil? Crumbly It s in serious trouble. If you let me have a look at it, I ll try & help you. Is it in your handbag or in your pocket perhaps? Crumbly No, it s in this tube. A tube that long for a gerbil? Crumbly That s right. Well, let me have a little look then. [He bends down to put his hand inside the tube] Crumbly DON T GO NEAR THE END! Why not? Crumbly You ll get bitten. Don t worry, Mrs Crumbly, gerbils don t bite very hard. Crumbly It s not the gerbil that worries me, it s the snake! [drops the tube] Snake?! I thought you said your gerbil was in trouble? Crumbly It is. It s inside the snake! Is it poisonous? Crumbly You don t get poisonous gerbils! No I mean the snake. Crumbly Well it bit me husband when he was asleep. When was this? Crumbly About a week ago. Is he all right? Crumbly I don t know. He hasn t woken up yet! I think you d better put Mrs. Crumbly in the other room, nurse. I ll deal with her later as well. [The nurse takes Mrs. Crumbly and the tube into the other room & returns]

4 Sick As a Parrot [Part 3] The vet & Phew, what a start to the day! Why do we always get the loony ones? I don t know. There are some strange folk around these days. Sometimes I feel there are no normal people left. I know how you feel. How about making us a nice cup of tea? Good idea. Where are the biscuits? They re in the top drawer of the filing cabinet, nurse. Be careful, we don t want the elephant jumping out again. That s true. He makes such big dints in the floor. And don t forget to feed the shark. We ll have to take him out of the wash basin very soon. He s getting a bit big for that now. I ll just get these spiders out of my hair. There s a big one hanging from your ear. Oh, that s Fred. He s all right now I ve had his fangs removed. Now let s have that cup of tea. [looks at watch] Oh dear. I think you d better drink it while we see to our next customer. We re running a little late this morning. Oh, very well, nurse. [munches on a biscuit] I do hope it s someone normal. So do I. NEXT PLEASE!

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