Safe Conversations From the Clinic to the Public to Imago

Transcription

1 Safe Conversations From the Clinic to the Public to Imago Presented by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. & Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D. December 2017 The Evolution of Psychotherapy Conference Anaheim, CA

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3 The Zero Negativity Pledge We understand that negativity is any transaction that ruptures our connection, whether intentional or accidental. We pledge to make our relationship a Zone of Zero Negativity for the duration of the workshop. To that end we pledge to avoid any transactions that could be experienced as a put-down, thus rupturing our connection. If we have a frustration, we will change it into a request and ask for what we want without criticism. If we experience a rupture, we will send a gentle signal (bing, ouch, oops, wow!) to communicate that we have experienced a put-down, and then begin repairing the rupture be re-sending the message or re-doing the action. We pledge to gift each other with three appreciations each day, no matter what! Signatures: Date: 11

4 IMAGO DIALOGUE MIRRORING AN APPRECIATION Instructions 1. Decide who will be the first Sender and who will be the Receiver. Express only ONE appreciation. 2. Follow the structure and use the sentence stems precisely as indicated. 3. When all the steps are completed, switch roles and repeat the process. MAKING AN APPOINTMENT I would like to express an appreciation. Is now a good time? I m available now. CONNECTING NON-VERBALLY Makes eye contact and take three deep breaths in sync. SHARING THE APPRECIATION ONE thing I appreciate about you is MIRRORING AND CHECKING ACCURACY Mirrors: Let me see if I ve got it. You said Checks for accuracy: Did I get it? Yes, you got it. or The part you got was and I also said Shows curiosity: Is there more about that? Yes. When you do that I feel - or - When I see that in you, I feel A NOTE TO THE RECEIVER If you get on overload, raise your hand and say: I m on overload, let me try to mirror you back so far. 3

5 Continues mirroring. Checks for accuracy: Did I get it? Shows curiosity: Is there more about that? When I feel, it reminds me of a time in the past when I felt. (or) did not feel Mirrors: Let me see if I got that. Checks for Accuracy: Did I get it? Expresses curiosity: Is there more about that? Continues the process until the Sender agrees the Receiver got it. SUMMARIZING Mirrors: Let me see if I got all of that. In summary, you are saying Checks for accuracy: Did I get it all? Listens to the summary and verifies accuracy. Yes, you got me. -Or- The part you got was and I also said. CLOSURE Thank you for listening. Thank you for sharing. Gives each other a one-minute, full body hug. SWITCHING ROLES When all the steps are completed, switches roles and repeats the process. 4

6 MY EARLY RELATIONAL CHALLENGE Our early experiences with our caretakers shapes the behavior and quality of our relationships in the present. This exercise will help you discover the early relational challenge you experienced that determines the frustrations and desires you experience as you interact with significant others in the present. Study the ten items in the two boxes below. Select and CIRCLE the ONE (and only ONE) that most represents your greatest early challenge. If none of them describe your early challenge, write one that does in the box marked other. MY EARLY CHALLENGE When the major caretaker was INTRUSIVE I Wanted: To get free from feeling controlled by others. To express my own thoughts rather than what I should think. To express what I felt rather than what I should feel. To experience my thoughts and feelings as important. To do what I wanted to do rather than what I ought to. NEGLECTFUL I Wanted: To experience feeling seen and valued rather than invisible. To be approached by others rather than feel alone/ abandoned. To feel significant as a person. To get support for what I think or feel. To get someone interested in what I want and like. OTHER 5

7 MY EARLY RELATIONAL NEED The early relational challenge you identified on the previous page resulted in a relational need that you brought into your adult relationships. It is especially present in your adult intimate relationships and it also shows up in all your significant relationships. Study the ten items in the two boxes below. Select and CIRCLE the ONE (and only ONE) that best describes what you needed most from significant people in your early life. If none of them describe your early relational need, write one that does in the box marked other. MY EARLY NEED When the major caretaker was INTRUSIVE I Needed: NEGLECTFUL I Needed: To have space and time to myself on a regular basis. To experience trust from others of my thinking and my decisions. To be asked what I feel and what I want. To experience genuine and reliable warmth when I need it. To experience that what I do and want is valued by others. To experience interest in me when I am talking. To be responded to when I ask for it. To ask me what I want, feel and think. To show curiosity about my experiences in life. To get love and gentle touch frequently and without having to ask. OTHER 6

8 IMAGO DIALOGUE EARLY RELATIONAL CHALLENGE AND NEED MAKING AN APPOINTMENT I would like to talk about my early relational challenges and the needs I brought to my adult relationships. Is now a good time? Yes, I m available now. CONNECTING NON-VERBALLY Makes eye contact and takes three deep breaths in sync. SHARING AN APPRECIATION Before I start, I would like to share something I appreciate about you which is Let me see if I got it. You want to express an appreciation of me which is Did I get it? SHARING YOUR EARLY CHALLENGE When I was a child, I lived with caretakers who were generally Neglectful or Intrusive (CIRCLE ONE) and my relational challenge with them was to (challenge you circled on previous page). MIRRORING THE EARLY CHALLENGE Mirrors and checks for accuracy: Let me see if I ve got it. You said when you were a child, you lived with caretakers who were and your challenge with them was to. Did I get it? Yes, you got it (or, You got most of it. I also said. ) 7

9 Continues mirroring and checking for accuracy until the Sender says, You got it. Asks: Is there more about that? Checks for accuracy and continues asking, Is there more about that? until the Sender says, There is no more. Says: And when I remember that, I feel. Mirrors the feelings: And when you remember that you feel Checks for accuracy: Did I get it? Continues mirroring, checking for accuracy, and inviting more until Sender says: There is no more about that, or That s all for now. SHARING THE EARLY RELATIONAL NEED And when I feel, I think that what I needed most from them was- (item circled on MY EARLY RELATIONAL NEED page). Not getting that from them, I brought it to my adult relationships. MIRRORING EARLY RELATIONSHIP NEED Mirrors: Let me see if I ve got it. What you needed most from your caretakers was. Not getting that from them, you brought to your adult relationships. Checks for accuracy: Did I get it? Yes, you got it (or, Yes, and I also said. ). Continues mirroring, checking for accuracy until the Sender says, You got it. Shows curiosity and asks: Is there more about that? Mirrors and checks for accuracy until the Sender says, There is no more about that. 8

10 SUMMARIZING VALIDATING EMPATHIZING Let me see if I got all of that. In summary, your caretakers were generally and the relational challenge you had with them was to. When you remember that, you feel. And then you think that what you needed from them was not getting it from them, you brought adult relationships. Checks for accuracy: Did I get it all? Listens to the summary and verifies if accurate. Yes, you got me. -Or- The part you got was and I also said, and to your Validates: You make sense, and what makes sense is that if your caretakers were, that your challenge would have been and that your relationship need would be. It also makes sense that not getting that in your early years, you would bring it to your adult relationships. Is that an accurate validation? Receives the validation and verifies if accurate. Expresses empathy: And given that, I can imagine that if your relationship need to was met in your adult relationships, you would feel (glad, relieved, happy, connected, heard, etc.) Is that your feeling? Are there other feelings? Yes (or, I also feel.) 9

11 CLOSING DECLARATIONS Thank you for sharing with me your early relational challenge and need and how you would feel if that need was met in your adult relationships. Thank you for listening. If you are intimate partners, give each other a one-minute hug and make eye contact on release. If your dialogue partner is a friend or acquaintance, make physical contact that is comfortable and appropriate for both of you. SWITCHING ROLES When all the steps are completed, switch roles and repeat the process. 10

12 RELATIONAL COMPETENCY INDEX An Imago Dialogue consists of multiple micro competencies in the form of sentence stems. The purpose of Relational Competency Index is to achieve efficiency in the use of the sentence stems in a dialogue or to integrate them into daily conversation in any context. After you have witnessed and practiced an Imago Dialogue, your next step is to become competent in all its parts. On the next page are statements that describe competencies essential for Imago Dialogues. We call it a Relational Competency Index. Each competency is identified (first column) and described (second column) and illustrated by a sentence stem (third column). Please discover your Relational Competency Level by giving yourself a score between 1-10, with 10 as the highest, on each of the sentences, and record your score in the last column. To be fully competent in the use of Imago Dialogue in your daily conversations, each score should be 10. You can develop and increase your Relational competency by reading the sentence describing the expression of each competency and practicing each competency with another person, in your daily conversation or in the full dialogue process. Competencies should be developed in a sequence indicated by the order of the sentences in the index. So, no matter your score on each competency, start with the first sentence on the index, read the sentence and repeat it exactly in your conversations. REMEMBER: YOUR TOP SCORES INDICATES YOUR CURRENT RELTIONAL COMPETENCY AND THE LOW SCORE INDICATE YOUR RELATIONAL POTENTIAL. USE THE INDEX TO RATE YOUR GROWTH INTO YOUR FULL POTENTIAL. 12

13 Read each competency, description and illustration and rate yourself from 1-10 with 10 as highest score (i.e., I achieve that 100% of the time). COMPETENCY DESCRIPTION ILLUSTRATION Honoring Boundaries When I want to talk with someone, in a warm voice tone, I check out whether they are available to listen at that time. Is now a good time to talk about a feeling I have? RATING (1-10) Honoring Boundaries Expressing Appreciations Honoring Boundaries Honoring Boundaries Relax Defenses Expressing an appreciation Sender Responsibility When I want to talk and the person is not available at that time, I gently ask them to tell me when they are available and to let me know when that time comes. When someone is available to listen to me, I express appreciation for his or her attention. When someone wants to talk to me and I am not available at that time, I gently say when I can be available and I initiate the conversation at the time I give him or her. When I am available, in a warm tone of voice I let them know I am available. Before I start talking or listening, I make eye contact and take a deep breath to relax my eyes. When someone says they are available to listen, I share an appreciation I have about them before I start talking. When I speak with anyone, I start all my sentences with I rather than you. When would be a good time? And would you please come find me when the time comes? Thank you for being available to what I want to say. I am not available right now, but I will be available in. (minutes, hours, days) I am available now. Makes eye contact, takes three breaths, and shares intention. My intention is to stay connected to you while I am talking. My intention is to stay connected to you while I am listening. I have an appreciation for you that I want to share. My appreciation is that when I see you do OR hear you say I really appreciate that. Recently, I have been feeling and I am curious about what you are thinking. 13

14 COMPETENCY DESCRIPTION ILLUSTRATION Sender Responsibility When I am talking, I describe my thoughts and feelings rather than describing the person who is listening. Sometimes I think I.and when I think that I feel. RATING (1-10) Mirroring Accuracy Check Expressing Curiosity Regulating Overload Expressing Curiosity Summarizes Accuracy Check Expressing Validation After the person who is talking finishes their first few sentences, I ask if I can mirror what I heard. After I mirror what I heard the other person say, I check with them to see if I got it accurately. If they indicate I missed something, I ask them to send the part I missed again. When someone is talking to me and I get distracted or on overload, and can t listen anymore, I raise my had and ask them to pause so I can mirror back what I heard so far, and then ask them to continue. When the person I am listening to pauses, I ask them if they have more to say on the topic. When someone has finished speaking, I summarize what I heard. When I summarize what I hard, I check with the speaker whether my summary is accurate. When someone has finished speaking, I validate the logic of what they are saying, whether I agree with them or not. Let me see if I am getting you. If I did, you said Did I get that? or Did I get you accurately? Would you send the part I missed again? Raises hand and says, I would like to mirror what I have gotten so far. If I got it, you said. Is there more about that? Let me see if I got everything you said. In summary, you said.. Did I get everything you said? You make sense, and what makes sense is that when you experienced.(event), you would have thought/felt 14

15 COMPETENCY DESCRIPTION ILLUSTRATION Expressing Empathy When someone has finished speaking, I share with them the feelings I experience them having or imagine their feelings if they have not expressed them. Given all of that, I can see you that you feel (if their feelings are physically visible) or I can imagine you might be feeling.(some version of mad, sad, glad, or scared). RATING (1-10) Accuracy Check Expressing Curiosity Expressing Curiosity Mirroring, Accuracy Check, and Expressing Curiosity Expressing Gratitude Expressing Gratitude After I share the feelings I see or imagine, I check to see if I got their feelings accurately. If the speaker says I did not get the feeling right, I ask them to share it again. After the feeling has been shared and confirmed, I ask if they have other feelings about that. If the speaker has other feelings, I mirror the additional feelings and check for accuracy and completion. If I am the listener, at the end of a conversation, I express gratitude to the speaker for sharing their thoughts and feelings with me. If I am the speaker, at the end of the conversation, I express gratitude to the listener for listening to my thoughts and feelings. Is that the feeling? Would you share your feeling with me again? Do you have other feelings about that? And, you also feel. Did I get that accurately? Are there other feelings? Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feeling with me. Thanks for listening. TOTAL SCORE (MAXIMUM 240) 15