Learning to Listen.. and Defusing a Hostile Situation. Course Outline

Transcription

1 Jim Holler, Jr. Holler Training Chief of Police, Liberty Township Police Department (Retired) (717) Learning to Listen.. and Defusing a Hostile Situation Course Outline Do we really ever know what someone else is going through? It s amazing what a kind word can do to change a life! Communication Methods Words are 7% effective Tone of voice is 38% effective Non-verbal clues are 55% effective Non-Verbal Clues Body language Arms crossed Standing Sitting Relaxed Tense Emotion of the sender and receiver Yelling Speaking provocatively In other words, WHAT you say is not nearly as important as HOW you say it! A dull message delivered by a charismatic person, filled with energy and enthusiasm is accepted as brilliant An excellent message delivered by someone who is not interested in the topic will end the enthusiasm of the intended audience Elements of Speaking

2 Body language Voice quality Intention Manner Directness, sincerity Dress and clothing Eye contact Emotional content Self-content Concept of others Listening, hearing the underlying message Speaking form the heart Energy Sensitivity Attitude and confidence Purpose of communications Clarity Elements of Listening Attentiveness to speaker Eye contact Intention be fully awake and aware Openness to other person and your own Paying attention Listening to yourself By practicing your listening skills, you will also develop better speaking skills Remember that listening is not the same as hearing. Hearing uses ears to acknowledge something Listening means understanding TACTFUL Conversations T Think before you speak A Apologize quickly when you blunder C Converse, don t compete T Time your comments F - Focus on behavior not personality U Uncover hidden feelings L Listen to feedback Do s and Don ts DO be direct, courteous and calm - DON T be rude or pushy DO spare others you unsolicited advice DON T be patronizing, superior or sarcastic

3 DO acknowledge that what works for you may not work for others DON T make personal attacks or insinuations DO say main points first, then offer more details if necessary DON T expect others to follow your advice or agree with you DO listen for hidden feelings DON T suggest changes that a person can not easily make Defusing Hostility Manipulative nasty behavior is designed to affect you emotionally so that you will become aggressive When we lose our control and defend ourselves or become aggressive, we end up doing what the other person wants us to do Self control is CRITICAL You are entitled to be angry or upset if you choose but you can learn to control your behavior and the way you express that anger or upset so something good comes from it When dealing with someone who is attempting to provoke a confrontation, make a conscious attempt to slow down your responses Do NOT reply immediately since your first gut level response is likely to be an angry or defensive response Before you respond, ask yourself the questions: "How can I deal with this situation so I create LESS anger and upset on both sides? Then respond Pay special attention to the speed and loudness of your speech When people get excited they tend to talk more quickly and loudly and that causes the other person to escalate also If you are really triggered, ("pi*sed off") at what is being said to you, it is a good idea to take a time-out! If you focus on side-issues, personal attacks, negativity, past-centered comments, etc., THAT is what the conversation will be about. If you turn the conversation to something constructive, and do not focus on the confrontation-focusing comments, you don't allow the attacking person a forum to continue the attacks The term verbal bait refers to the many confrontation provoking behaviors that have a single purpose; to control and manipulate you into responding in emotional ways When you take the bait, the "fisherperson" basically reels you in, since you have given up control of the conversation Types of Hostility Verbal: verbal abuse expressed through offensive language and a condescending tone of voice Acting out: aggressive actions to gain control of the situation or individual through intimidation Personal aggression: a personal assault or invasion of personal space of another individual or group

4 What are the Triggers? Triggers are words or actions that result in an emotional response What triggers you? Sarcasm, blame, pushy people, bullies, ignorance, person hovering about you or in your face, swearing, etc. Regaining Control There are choices you can make to regain control over a hostile situation. When someone is making you angry or scared, step back The more upset you become, the less logical and in control you will be Don't let someone else's anger affect you. Be aware of your personal triggers, it can increase your control of a potentially hostile situation Skills to Help Defuse Hostility Greet the person - remain professional, smile and if possible use the person's name Observe and prepare - set a positive tone to calm an angry person by observing body posture, words spoken and tone of voice Ask questions - by asking questions you show interest in the problem, helping you attain information and gain control to solve the problem Paraphrase - restate the complaint to confirm an understanding of the problem Show empathy - show you understand and care by letting the person know you'd be angry too Share information - help the person understand by sharing the possible reason for their anger Explore alternatives - look for possible solutions that may appeal to both sides Agree on a course of action and follow through - the solution is going to be different in every situation Dealing with Aggression Aggression is characterized by an invasion of your personal space with aggressive acts which may result in an unprovoked attack Try not to put the person on the defensive

5 Take a soft approach - remain a calming influence which may lower the persons stress level Isolate the audience - without an audience, a person may be more willing to comply with your requests and less inclined to perform for the benefit of others present Give choices instead of threats - add consequences without getting personal and, if necessary, use the consequences Leave - if a request is made and the person leaves, it allows the other person to comply without losing face Manage your emotions - control your own anger, take a deep breath and think for a moment Listen to what is being said - ask questions to clarify the issue. This shows you care about their situation Let them know you understand - ask them for a solution you can pass on to your superiors Defusing ANGER To vent - An angry person needs to let off steam and release the anger that may have been brewing for a long time use your communication skills to allow the person to do this. To get the listener's attention - An angry person wants to know that you are paying attention so use your body language to show this. To be heard - An angry person wants someone to listen to their point of view To be understood -An angry person wants someone to appreciate how they feel Listening Skills for Defusing Anger C Calm YOURSELF FIRST; Don't get DEFENSIVE Suspend ALL Judgment Commit yourself to calming the other person Resolution cannot happen as long as the other person is angry A Acknowledge the Importance of what the other person is saying Make eye contact Ask the other person to tell you more about the situation Show concern for the other persons needs L LISTEN ACTIVELY Let the other persons voice their feelings Listen for information that the other person is sharing

6 Do NOT interrupt M Make sure YOU understand Clarify and summarize the other person s concerns Use words that demonstrate your desire to understand the angered person Godfrey P, Davis B CALM: Listening Skills for Diffusing Anger Coping with Threats and violence What should I do? I need to survive! Protect yourself from head injuries Block blows with pillows, arms, clipboards, etc. If you fall back, block the attack with your feet & legs For an angry or hostile individual Stay Calm, listen attentively Maintain eye contact Be courteous and be patient Keep the situation in your control For someone threatening you with a gun, knife, or other weapon STAY CALM Maintain eye contact Stall for time Keep TALKING Follow instructions from the person with the weapon Don t risk harm to yourself Never try & grab the weapon Watch for a safe chance to escape NOTES