PSYCH "THE SHOW MUST GO WRONG" Written by. Lauren Piester

Transcription

1 PSYCH "THE SHOW MUST GO WRONG" Written by Lauren Piester laurenpiester.com

2 EXT. BOARDWALK - MORNING and walk down the boardwalk. Shawn is eating white cheddar popcorn. You really aren t going to believe it. You re going to hug me. I know you re gonna hug me. Seriously, Gus. What is it? I found a burger place with waffle fries...made out of actual waffles! Shawn pauses and then holds out his arms. They hug. You re kidding. Dude, that s like something I would find! Well done. I was thinking we could go there this afternoon, take a road trip, maybe stop at that gas station on the way that has the triple caffeine mocha pumpkin cappuccinos. How far away is it? I dunno, like two hours. Oh, I can t, buddy. I m having lunch with Jules and then I have rehearsal. Rehearsal? Aren t you just like a stand-in or something? Uh, I was an understudy, Gus, not a stand-in. And anyway, now I m the main character. You re the main character?

3 2. The actor playing Jack dropped out or went to Rio or whatever. Who cares? I ve been trying out for these community productions for years and finally they ve recognized my talent. What s the play again? Gus, buddy, do you not listen when I talk? I told you like a hundred or one times. It s The Importance of Being Earnest. It s about the importance of being earnest. Or Ernest. One has an A and one is A- less but I don t think it truly matters which one you use since the play covers both versions quite thoroughly. It also employs the use of the word bunburying, but I don t know what that means. It s Juliet s favorite play. She s coming to rehearsal with me tonight. Speaking of Juliet...you re gonna tell her soon, right? I can t tell her. Shawn. It s been a year! Are you really planning on sustaining a meaningful relationship with this girl you ve -- Woman, Gus. She s a woman. Sorry, this woman you ve loved for five years without her knowing that you re only pretending to be a psychic? I mean Shawn, it s like if I were pretending to be a pharmaceutical sales rep.

4 3. Well I for one have not seen you rep any pharmaceutical sales in like months. Well maybe with you busy I ll actually have time to do my real job. But stop changing the subject. You know you have to tell her sooner or later. I vote later. And then never. Shawn... Gus, I can t tell her. She ll hate me. She ll leave me. I ve worked so hard to get her. Is it so wrong of me to want to keep her? Gus thinks about this. I guess. But you know I m gonna keep bothering you about it. I would expect nothing less. By the way did you want some of this popcorn? No, Shawn. Are you sure? I swear it s perfect. Flavorful, satisfying, just subtle enough that I can eat it all day long without getting tired of it. And it s mildly healthy, too, just a really excellent snack for carrying around, for wandering. Gus walks faster in order to get away from Shawn. (CONT D) (shouting after Gus) Well excuse me for trying to improve your life with convenient snack foods!

5 4. INT. THEATER - BACKSTAGE - DAY Shawn and walk into the theater. Shawn is still eating the popcorn. Juliet is thrilled. This is just so exciting! I haven t been in a theater like this since high school. You can just feel the energy, can t you? I bet that stage has just seen so much-- McDonald s! What? Macintosh! McCartney! Shawn, what are you doing? I m trying to remember, you know, that Shakespeare play. The Scottish one. (whispering) Macbeth? (loudly and theatrically) Macbeth! Shawn! Hey, you said it before me. Well I whispered it. It s not like we re calling to check flight statuses, Jules, with the automated lady who says I m sorry, I couldn t quite hear that. Did you say you re departing from Borneo? I don t think it matters if you whisper.

6 5. Shawn shovels a handful of popcorn into his mouth. What is with the popcorn? It s the perfect wandering snack food, Jules. Subtle enough that I can-- Okay, never mind. Shawn sees someone offscreen. Greta, m lady! Greta walks up to greet Shawn and Juliet. She is distracted, looking down at the clipboard she s holding. GRETA How are you this evening, Shawn? Fine and dandy, and yourself? GRETA A little stressed, as I m sure you are as well. I know there s not a lot of time to rehearse, but -- No need to worry, my illustrious director. I know this play backwards and forwards. Well, mostly just forwards, and mostly just the first scene, but I can say my first line backwards. Ygla ees I, lausu sa gnitae-- Greta puts her hand up to stop him, but she is still looking down at the clipboard. GRETA Whatever, we re just glad you re here. Now if you ll excuse me, we re having a lighting crisis. Greta leaves to join Kaylie and Quinn at the front of the theater. Who was--

7 6. (O.S.) Mr. Spencer! Mr...ahhh... Mark walks up to Shawn and Juliet. Oh Mr. Spencer, you can call me Mark. And you can call me Sir Diedrich Forgenheimer. I thought your name was-- Oh, it is, but that s my stage name. Sir Diedrich Forgenheimer is my actual name. Some of my friends simply call me Sir or Sir Forgenheimer. Sometimes Forgy. And this is my associate... Associate?...of a romantic nature. Girlfriend. This is my girlfriend, Lady Blorfen-- I m Juliet. Nice to meet you. Sir, uh, well, I was just coming over here to discuss a time when we could get together privately to go over lines, work on the scenes we have together. As I m sure you know, we ve got a lot of work to do. With Ken gone -- Yes, Ken, my noble processor. Predecessor?

8 7. I ve heard it both ways. I don t think-- Anyway, what do you say? Are you free tomorrow? I mean, of course the show will never be as good without the award-winning talents of the illustrious Ken Wilkins-- Ooh, did Ken win a Tony? Hardly, but he s been the Santa Barbara Community Theater Best Actor for three years running now. Maybe with him out of the picture - falling off bar stools in Idaho or somewhere, I d imagine - someone else will finally get a chance. Well, Mark, it s been nice talking to you, but if I m going to attempt to fill the surely diamond-studded shoes of the three-time Santa Barbara Community Theater Best Actor, I really should get on with rehearsing my pre-rehearsal rehearsing ritual, so if you ll excuse me... Shawn makes strange throaty noises as Mark bids farewell to Juliet and leaves. The throaty noises stop as soon as Mark is out of sight. What was that about? He annoyed me.