May 13th, It started like any other day. I was sitting at my desk -- Working. That's a natural smile, because I love my job.

Transcription

1 May 13th, 2016 It started like any other day. I was sitting at my desk -- Working. That's a natural smile, because I love my job. As it happens, i was also jamming out to some smooth Jazz. Unfortunately, the pleasure was to be short lived. The *ping* of a new brought me back to reality. "What? An from Jeff Harry. Maybe he's writing just to say hello, and not with a really large, last minute marketing event..."

2 Nope. A company-wide group . People are probably going to "reply all"... "...to compete with the Seattle team"? "fun competition"? Who does this guy this he is? What do these other photos look like, anyway?

3 Denim... And Bob.

4 ...General arm gesticulating, and throat grabbing...

5 Okay, this one is pretty good. It really made me feel something.

6 As you can imagine, the triggered a very serious conversation regarding how we should proceed with this years photo. There was talk of copying the running man. Sure, it wouldn't be original idea, but it would get us a solid photo. There was also talk of face paint and cheesy photo shop techniques. Ultimately, we decided on taking a "Classic" kick-off photo. I mean, we already did a cool photo last year. As far as we were concerned, everyone else was just playing a game of "catch-up" for second place anyway.

7 And that was the plan. Unfortunately for us, by the time we reached our lunchtime photo slot, our troop of 26 was already down to 16. It all started with Justin...

8 Faris found him near the bathroom; complaining of thirst like he was in the desert. But he refused a bottle of water. Something about "the environment". He stole Grants water bottle and went to fill it at the cooler, but as luck would have it, the thing was empty.

9 Being the responsible chap that he is, of course he tried to replace it...

10 Alas, the task proved too great. Crushed his ribs, punctured his lung. Before we knew it, he was gone. From what I observed, it was a relatively quick and painless death. Of course, then there was the challenge of what to do with the body. I mean, it was the start of the day. Dont want to kill the mood, ya' know?

11 Fun fact about Seattle...

12 We recycle!

13 Meanwhile, a separate drama was brewing right next door. The IRS scheduled a stake-out at H&R Block. Grant swore the whole way out that he thought his parents were still filing his taxes. Mike ran off to help after stating that he had studied tax law for a musical he performed in...

14 Everything went pretty smoothly for the next couple of hours. Mike even came back from his quest to help Grant. (Unfortunately, that was a lost cause.) In Fact, the worst thing that happed over the course of our morning workshops was a paper cut to the tongue. Huanbin mistakenly thought there was adhesive on our new sign-in sheets. The peace did not last. You see, after Faris got done "recycling", he finished the job of replacing the water cooler jug. Feeling a bit frustrated by all the heavy lifting he had to do, he forced everyone to drink two cups of water before we began our workshops. Presumably, he hoped that this would validate his efforts...

15 The thing about Play- Well Northwest is: we only have one toilet. So, everyone formed a panicked, but orderly, queue. Unfortunately, survival just wasn't in the cards for Jade. After several minutes of patient waiting, her bladder exploded. Brandon nearly lost his mind. Said there hadn't been so much pee on the carpet since his fall pre-school course.

16 We were almost at lunch, but we had to take our group photo. Thats when the "Portland Situation" happened. Apparently, all of Joe's staff brought special inhalers to use. They said that they couldn't breath the GMO, non-organic air up here for more than 4 hours without a treatment. Unfortunately, they left their inhalers at the hotel, and Joe only had one dose left. He made a tough decision, but its one that I wholeheartedly support. Of course, their bodies were laying right where we were going to stage our next photo...

17 The good news? Portland recycles too!

18 Finally, we were at lunch. No more deaths or disappearances. Everyone was really enjoying eating spaghetti, and listening to Brandons eclectic music mix. Nothing without its price, though. Shortly before the start of our group build, three more exited. They said they felt inspired to begin an 80's tribute band. I thought about trying to stop them... Ultimately, I did not. I wished them the best on their dead-end endeavor.

19 We made it through the group build, and went over survival kits. Then Faris whipped out some new mini-figures, and everybody went nuts.

20 We didnt see exactly what happened in the circle. Faris and I have some theories, but due to the lack of remaining physical evidence, they are unsubstantiated. All we know is that one person was left standing victorious: Huanbin. We let him go home while we cleared away the mess... He didn't make it out the door. We deduced from the blood in his mouth that he had been slowly bleeding to death from the paper cut he sustained several hours earlier. Unfortunate.

21 At around the same time, Diana collapsed on the floor from "starvation". She isn't actually dead--just dramatically faking it. After refusing to move for several minutes, Brandon finally lost it.

22 Brandon prided himself on keeping the center immaculate. Now, covered in so much filth, his brain simply exploded.

23 Steve was a great sport, but did not stick around for the rest of the evening. "Well, it was nice to see everybody. You guys are working really hard. I've got a late flight." "Let me know if you want to see any numbers..."

24 "Lisa is gonna wanna know about this..." "I dont think she will...but we'll have to tell Alice."

25 "Why?" "We need a new candidate posting." "It'll probably turn into an hours long lecture on 'best practices'."

26 The End! Credits: East WA and South Sound Staff Seattle and North WA Staff Portland and Oregon Staff Diana Hickey Brandon Jones Steve Halford Tim (Sort of) Assorted other play-well Peeps. Anyone else I forgot. Special Note: Photo shop was used only to filter out real blood and gore considered "Not Safe for Work". In all other ways, these pictures are completely natural.

27 Later. Multiple locations: "And so you're on your way back?" "Yes, I'm at the airport now. I felt really badly. I mean, basically everyone died." "...well...i mean...you...you do what you can. Sometimes it works out."

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