Now Published! Chapter 5: Self and Identity. The Basics of. Communication. A Relational Perspective. Steve Duck David T. McMahan

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1 Chapter 5: Self ad Idetity Now Published! The Basics of Commuicatio A Relatioal Perspective Steve Duck David T. McMaha

2 Writte i a warm ad lively style ad packed with learig tools, The Basics of Commuicatio: A Relatioal Perspective offers a egagig look at the iseparable coectio betwee relatioships ad commuicatio, highlightig the roles that iterpersoal coectios play i casual discussios as well as i public speakig. This groudbreakig text combies theory ad applicatio to itroduce studets to fudametal commuicatio cocepts. It also provides practical istructio o commuicatig iterpersoally ad i small groups ad o makig effective formal presetatios. Authors Steve Duck ad David T. McMaha ecourage studets to thik critically about key topics, to lik commuicatio theory to their ow experieces, ad to improve their commuicatio skills i the process. Throughout, The Basics of Commuicatio emphasizes commuicatio theory ad research that directly affects studets everyday lives; ecourages developmet beyod persoal views of commuicatio cocepts, ethics, ad media; ad examies how relatioships are shaped by the commuicatio tools ad strategies that are used, whether through social etworkig sites or i iterpersoal relatioships. Key Features Stresses the iteractio ad ifluece of the vital itersectios betwee commuicatio ad relatioal cotexts Offers a refreshig ad origial approach that egages studets with lively, topical examples to challege them ad to ivigorate classroom discussio Provides up-to-date isight ito commuicatio topics (such as idetity, group commuicatio, ad public speakig) i a way that easily fits withi a traditioal course outlie Itegrates carefully chose ad purposefully positioed origial pedagogical tools, desiged to motivate studets to become more active observers ad to lear how they ca easily ad effectively apply topics i their ow relatioships Presets Liste i o Your Ow Life, Make Your Case, ad Strategic Commuicatio boxes i each chapter ad photos that are captioed with questios for the studet to aswer Devotes two chapters to the use of media ad relatioal techology (such as cell phoes, ipods, BlackBerrys, MySpace, ad Facebook) i daily commuicatio Acillaries A Istructor s Resource CD-ROM that features PowerPoit slides, a computerized test bak, suggestios for course projects ad activities, Iteret resources, ad more. (Cotact Customer Care at to request a copy.) The robust olie Studet Study Site ( icludes e-flashcards, video ad audio clips, SAGE joural articles, liks to a Facebook page for the text, ad other iteractive resources. For more iformatio, please visit:

3 The Basics of Commuicatio A Relatioal Perspective Steve Duck Uiversity of Iowa David T. McMaha Missouri Wester State Uiversity Now Published! Paperback ISBN:

4 Supplemetal Materials Available Istructor s Resources CD-ROM PowerPoit slides for each chapter for use durig class lectures A test bak icludig multiple-choice, true/false, ad short-aswer/essay questios Chapter summaries, outlies, ad objectives Suggested course projects, classroom activities, ad discussio questios, icludig exercises that icorporate the Iteret ad other media Iteret resources Suggested film resources Sample syllabi Teachig tips Studet Study Site ( E-flashcards Self-quizzes Exercises ad activities Iteret activities Iteret resources SAGE joural articles with discussio ad writig questios A lik to the Facebook page for the book For more iformatio, visit or call Customer Care: (800)

5 P r e fac e Brief Cotets About the Authors Itroductio Chapter 1 A Overview of Everyday Commuicatio Chapter 2 Verbal Commuicatio Chapter 3 Noverbal Commuicatio Chapter 4 Listeig Chapter 5 Self ad Idetity Chapter 6 Talk ad Iterpersoal Relatioships Chapter 7 Small-Group Relatioships, Leadership, ad Decisio Makig Chapter 8 Society, Culture, ad Commuicatio Chapter 9 Techology i Everyday Life Chapter 10 Relatioal Uses ad Uderstadig of Media Chapter 11 Preparig for a Public Presetatio Chapter 12 Developig a Public Presetatio Chapter 13 Relatig Through Iformative Speeches ad Persuasive Speeches Chapter 14 Deliverig a Public Presetatio Glossary Author Idex Subject Idex

6 About the Authors Steve Duck taught at two uiversities i the Uited Kigdom before takig up the Daiel ad Amy Starch Distiguished Research Professorship i the commuicatio studies departmet at the Uiversity of Iowa i 1986, where he is also a adjuct professor of psychology. He has taught several iterpersoal commuicatio courses, mostly o iterpersoal commuicatio ad relatioships but also o overbal commuicatio, commuicatio i everyday life, costructio of idetity, ad commuicatio theory. Always by traiig a iterdiscipliary thiker, Steve has focused o the developmet ad declie of relatioships from may differet perspectives, although he has also doe research o the dyamics of televisio productio techiques ad persuasive messages i health cotexts. Steve has writte or edited 50 books o relatioships ad other matters ad was the fouder ad, for the first 15 years, the editor of the Joural of Social ad Persoal Relatioships. His 1994 book Meaigful Relatioships: Talkig, Sese, ad Relatig wo the G. R. Miller Book Award from the Iterpersoal Commuicatio Divisio of the Natioal Commuicatio Associatio. Steve cofouded the series of Iteratioal Cofereces o Persoal Relatioships that bega i He wo the Uiversity of Iowa s first Outstadig Metor Award i 2001 ad the Natioal Commuicatio Associatio s Robert J. Kibler Memorial Award i 2004 for dedicatio to excellece, commitmet to the professio, cocer for others, visio of what could be, acceptace of diversity, ad forthrightess. He wishes he could play the piao. David T. McMaha graduated from Vicees Uiversity with a AS degree. He received BS ad MA degrees from Idiaa State Uiversity ad received his PhD from the Uiversity of Iowa. The courses he has taught spa the disciplie of commuicatio, icludig multiple courses i iterpersoal commuicatio, media, commuicatio educatio, theory, ad criticism. David s research iterests also egage multiple areas of the disciplie with much of his research devoted to bridgig the study of relatioships ad media. This work icludes examiig the discussio of media ad the icorporatio of catchphrases ad media refereces i everyday commuicatio. A great deal of research has bee derived from his vi

7 experieces i the classroom ad his commitmet to educatio. His early work i this area focused o commuicatio competece, self-coceptio, ad assessmet. His focus has sice shifted toward topics that iclude both media ad relatioships, such as cotradictios withi advisor-advisee relatioships ad discussios of media i the classroom. His published work has appeared i such jourals as Review of Commuicatio, Commuicatio Educatio, ad Commuicatio Quarterly, as well as edited volumes. A member of the Natioal Commuicatio Associatio, Cetral States Commuicatio Associatio, Easter Commuicatio Associatio, Iowa Commuicatio Associatio, ad Speech Commuicatio Associatio of Puerto Rico, David has served umerous roles withi these orgaizatios. I additio, he has received multiple awards for his work i the classroom ad has also bee the recipiet of a umber of public service ad academic distictios. He hopes to someday become a cattle baro. About the Authors vii

8 Itroductio viii If you thik there is aythig importat i your life that does ot ivolve commuicatio, leaf idly through this book ad see if it makes you challege your first thought. It will take oly a couple of miutes, ad the you ca put the book back o the shelf. However, we do ot thik that you will be able to come up with very may activities i life that are ot improved by commuicatio ad would ot be made better by your ability to uderstad commuicatio more thoroughly. We wrote this book partly because we believe that every studet eeds to kow somethig about commuicatio ad how to improve life through uderstadig it, whether you are headed off to become a detal hygieist, a researcher, a preacher, a busiessperso, a urse, a physicia, a member of a sales force, a paret, or just somebody s good fried. We are passioate about the study of commuicatio because it has so may obvious uses ad iflueces i everyday life, ad we believe very strogly that you too ca beefit from kowig more about how commuicatio works. We have ever met a studet who did ot wat to uderstad more about his or her everyday life ad, i particular, about his or her relatioships. We have tried to bid together these iterests by writig this book, which aswers questios about how commuicatio ad relatioships hag together ad coect with other parts of life, such as listeig, culture, geder, media, givig presetatios, or merely beig you. The publishers, ad probably your istructors, officially call this a basic textbook, ad that meas somethig special i the publishig ad educatio world. Basic commuicatio textbooks have a particular job to do: They must give a basic itroductio to cocepts ad itroduce some theoretical or practical ideas that help you apply the research ad theory. A few of these books deal with issues like iterpersoal commuicatio ad media/techology, ad a few others try to obtai real cotact with studets lives. The preset book is a hybrid, which meas it ot oly itroduces these basic cocepts but also serves to istruct you o givig speeches. The book icludes sectios o (a) idetity costructio, (b) iterpersoal commuicatio, (c) group commuicatio, (d) culture ad society, (e) techology, (f) media, ad (g) public speakig. We cover all of this with a particular theme i mid the way you carry out your everyday life through your relatioships with other people ad how the above are relevat to our theme.

9 Itroduc tio ix The phrase relatioships with other people draws your attetio ot oly to how your relatioships work ad ca be improved but also to how they affect you durig the course of other activities that happe i your life. Your relatioship with someoe affects your ability to persuade that perso to take your health advice, for example, or the media that you use ca become topics of discussio betwee acquaitaces. Cell phoes ad the Iteret are forms of commuicatio that have become relatioal tools i everyday life, especially if you are i log-distace relatioships. So, i this book, we deal ot just with the creatio of relatioships but with the way relatioships flow ito may other daily experieces as effects ot oly o those experieces themselves but also o everyday life commuicatio. We sicerely believe that your daily life as a studet, fried, romatic parter, colleague, ad family member alog with all other aspects ca be improved through the priciples of commuicatio theory. Oe of our purposes is to help you uderstad your daily life by makig you more aware of how everyday life works through commuicatio. We believe that all studets desire to see, recogize, ad uderstad their may istaces of daily cotact with commuicatio research ad theory. Aother purpose is to develop your studies by ecouragig more eager ad idepedet thikig about research ito such topics as coflict, relatioship developmet, geder, culture, techology, ad busiess ad professioal speakig. Some of you will be takig the basic course as your oly exposure to commuicatio studies, so we have put i plety of material that demostrates the applicatios of what we are talkig about, for example i developig listeig skills, usig techology, uderstadig overbal commuicatio, creatig persuasive strategies, or maagig group coflict. I this way we hope to make the book relevat to busiess majors, to those i traiig for the health professios, ad to may other studets who have a iterest i commuicatio studies merely as a sidelie or as a mior part of their degree studies. Others of you will be takig this course with plas to major i commuicatio studies, i which case this book will provide you with a strog foudatio for your future study ad exploratio of the disciplie. Whatever your purpose i readig this book, ad whatever your ultimate goal i life, we hope that it will erich your experiece, sharpe your abilities to observe ad aalyze commuicatio activity, ad make your life a little bit more iterestig because you ca uderstad the processes goig o aroud you. So take us up o our challege oce agai ad thumb through the cotets ad look at a few of the pictures to see if you ow get what we thik is importat about commuicatio ad why you eed to lear about it. How This Book Is Structured to Help Your Learig Because we are coviced of the importace of the topic ad because we are passioate about helpig people lear about it, we have used some special features

10 x T h e B a s i c s o f Co m m u i c at i o desiged to make it particularly iterestig ad relevat to you. First of all, the toe of this book is somewhat differet from other textbooks you may have come across. We have deliberately adopted a iformal ad coversatioal toe i our writig, ad we eve throw i a few jokes. We are ot attemptig to be hip or cool: Trust us; we are far from either, so much so that we are ot eve sure if the words hip ad cool are used aymore. Istead, we use a coversatioal voice because we believe that it makes this book more egagig to read. Plus, we geuiely like ad have a good time talkig about this material, so we wat to share our ethusiasm i a way that we hope is ifectious. We have become used to seeig the sigificace of commuicatio as if it speaks for itself, but we realize that ot everybody else takes that view. Because we are also deeply committed to the importace of studyig commuicatio, we wat to discuss it all i such a way that is clear, uderstadable, ad applicable to your life. We hope that this will make it as excitig to you as it is to us. Aother feature of this book is ot what it icludes but what it excludes. We did ot wat to fill the pages with coutless boxes, illustrative cartoos, ad graphics that might be amusig but do ot always help you lear. Our experiece has taught us that they offer little value ad are ofte skipped by studets ad istructors alike. Istead, i this book, you will come across featured boxes, margi otes, pictures, ad other istructioal tools that have bee selectively chose to challege you. Every sigle oe of them is here with the purpose of improvig your uderstadig of commuicatio. Everythig that appears i this book eve every picture does so for a reaso, ad that reaso ceters o icreasig your uderstadig, your applicatio, ad eve your ejoymet of the material. For example, the pictures do ot have stadard captios, but every oe asks a questio that you must aswer for yourself, although we provide possible aswers at the ed of each chapter. The pictures are here ot just to make the book look pretty but because they serve a purpose of teachig you somethig ad makig you thik for yourself. Istead of begiig each chapter with focus questios before you kow what the chapter is about, our Focus Questios follow a opeig arrative for each chapter. They are so positioed because we wat to esure that you read them after you have see the basic problem with which the chapter deals. We persoally skipped them whe we were i school: They appeared at the very begiig of the chapter, ad we did ot yet kow what they were about. We strogly ecourage you to read them. Because they come after the arrative that sets up the questios i each chapter, they will guide you through the chapter ad provide you with isight as to what you should focus o as you read. Because they are importat, we will also revisit ad aswer them at the ed of each chapter so that you ca see if your aswers match ours. I fact, we do this istead of summarizig the chapter i the covetioal way. The ed of every chapter is therefore directly coected to the begiig. Although we wated to limit the umber appearig i each chapter, boxes ca have a great deal of value for your learig. Each chapter icludes the followig three types of boxes: (a) Make Your Case, (b) Strategic Commuicatio, ad

11 (c) Liste I O Your Ow Life. Make Your Case boxes provide you with opportuities to develop your ow positios or to perform a exercise about the material that might be used durig class discussio. I the laguage chapter, for example, you are asked to fid out the secret laguages that you ad your frieds speak without realizig it. Strategic Commuicatio boxes help you itegrate the material ito your life whe ifluecig others. For istace, the techology chapter asks you to cosider how the purpose of a message ad the techological prefereces of the perso you are cotactig will determie the appropriateess of face-to-face, telephoe, or computer-mediated iteractio. Liste I O Your Ow Life boxes ask you to cosider the material i relatio to your ow life ad lived experieces. We wat you start recogizig commuicatio i your life ad how the material discussed applies. For example, the listeig chapter asks you to cosider frieds, family, classmates, or coworkers you would label as good ad bad listeers. You are the asked to aalyze what behaviors led to these evaluatios ad to determie measures to ehace the listeig skills of others. These exercises, therefore, will also serve to further your uderstadig ad comprehesio of the material. Two additioal features are icluded withi each chapter: margi otes ad pictures. Margi otes provide additioal iformatio about the material or opeeded questios to poder as you study it. Accordigly, some margi otes provide uique iformatio, such as whe the first smiley face emotico was set, who iveted the Iteret, or what percetage of people believe that they are shy eough to eed treatmet. Other margi otes urge you to reflect o the material by posig questios, such as whether or ot families would be cosidered groups, or explaiig the techique that Presidet Roald Reaga used i order to make his speeches more appealig. Pictures are othig ew to textbooks, but i this book they serve as istructioal tools rather tha mere illustrative distractios. Each picture captio is stated i the form of a questio that correspods with material beig discussed. You will be asked to examie the picture ad aswer the accompayig questio(s) based o your uderstadig of the material i the chapter. These are ot opeeded questios; rather, each oe has a specific aswer (give at the ed of each chapter after you have had a chace to thik about the aswers for yourself first). We metioed above that the focus questios would come up agai. Each chapter eds by revisitig the Focus Questios as a way of summarizig chapter material usig structure rather tha as a simple (ad usually igored) chapter summary. You caot get by with just readig this sectio of the chapter, but it will help you check that you picked up o the key poits beig discussed. The very ed of each chapter icludes features to further ehace your mastery ad comprehesio of the material. Oce agai, we thought very carefully about what to iclude here. We did ot wat questios that asked you to merely memorize ad repeat what you just read but rather to thik about it outside of class as you carry out the rest of your life. We wated to iclude features that ask you to go beyod each chapter s cotets ad egage i higher levels of thikig. Accordigly, each chapter also icludes the followig features: (a) Ethical Issues, (b) Media Liks, ad (c) Questios to Ask Your Frieds. Ethical Issues urge you to cotemplate ad Itroduc tio xi

12 xii T h e B a s i c s o f Co m m u i c at i o develop a positio regardig ethical quadaries that arise i commuicatio. For example, the techology chapter asks you to cosider whether employers should use material o social etworkig sites, such as MySpace, whe makig hirig decisios, ad the relatioships chapter asks if it is ever ethical to have two romatic relatioships goig o at the same time ad why (or why ot). Media Liks ask you to draw from media i order to further explore the issues discussed i each chapter. You are asked to watch a TV ewscast ad discover ways i which the ewscasters establish a relatioship with the audiece, for example, ad to read a ewspaper article lookig for examples of logical fallacies discussed i the chapter. The relatioships chapter ivites you to examie the Suday ewspaper sectio of marriages, egagemets, ad commitmet ceremoies for similarities i attractiveess. Believe it or ot, romatic parters ofte look alike! Fially, Questios to Ask Your Frieds provide you with questios to ask your frieds i order to further icrease your awareess of the material ad itegrate it ito your life. I the culture ad society chapter, for example, you are urged to ask your frieds about favorite childre s stories ad coect themes to cultural ideals. It may iitially seem strage to drag your frieds ito your ow learig, but i fact, just as i everyday life itself, you will lear from them, ad you will be teachig them a thig or two as well. Plus, this activity will help uderscore the sigificace of relatioships i your life. As with the boxes, we are serious about havig you try out these istructioal tools to improve your study of the material. Ideed, our writig style has bee chose to ivite studets you ad others you kow ito the coversatio about the issues we preset as basics of commuicatio. As part of that, we are tryig to stretch your capacities to thik about a problem ad work through it with us, leavig you with a greater sese of havig mastered the material by thikig through it for yourself, uder guidace. Because we wat to icrease the discussio of commuicatio geerally, we cotiually metio everyday issues so that you ca talk about them with your frieds ad become more helpful to them too. You should be able to reflect o your frieds ad your ow lives from time to time ad apply to them what you have bee readig about here. You kow, fuy you should say that because I ve just bee readig about that exact same thig, ad what the book said was So, overall, we see the advatages of this book as fourfold: 1. It presets a passioate view of commuicatio based o the theme of relatioal ad everyday experiece. 2. It has strog teachig features applied to your ow persoal experieces. 3. It icludes chapters o idetity, culture/society, techology, ad media that are becomig more importat i people s lives right ow but do ot appear i older textbooks. 4. We believe it offers a more iterestig approach to existig topics by brigig your ow life uder the microscope. See if you agree.

13 Itroduc tio xiii Fial Thoughts As we get ready to set out o our exploratio of commuicatio, we urge you to cosider the may ways i which commuicatio iflueces ad is iflueced by relatioships ad everyday life. This book will help you begi to recogize the sigificace of commuicatio ad to uderstad its tremedous impact i your life. However, it is our hope that you will go beyod what we offer by carefully examiig what has bee writte ad icorporatig your ow thoughts ad experieces ito the coversatio. The study of commuicatio ca elicit a lifetime of learig, exploratio, ad ejoymet. We appreciate you joiig us o this jourey, ad we hope you ejoy readig this book as much as we ejoyed writig it for you. Steve Duck ad David T. McMaha

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15 Chapter 5 Self ad Idetit y c h a p t e r 5 Self ad Idetity We do t kow you ad you do t kow us, but from readig this book, you probably have some impressios of us. You kow who you are, though, do t you? Not just ame ad address but the kid of perso you are. You have a idetity, ad we do t just mea a ID that you show people to prove your age. You are a idividual, ad you are frieds with other idividuals, each perhaps quirky i his or her ow way ad with a uique persoality ad idetity. You might see these idividuals ad yourself as persos deep iside, with a history, a childhood set of experieces that made you who you are. You kow thigs about yourself that o oe else kows. You are you, you-ique! This chapter will teach you that you have multiple layers to your idetity ot just i the obvious way that some of your ow private thoughts are secret, some are revealed i itimate momets of talk, ad some are performed as roles ( I m your classmate/sister/boss ). We will look at these but also show how layers of idetity come out through commuicatio i relatioships. Some are brought forth ad created by the situatio i which you fid yourself or i the compay of certai people but ot others. (Do you really behave the same way with your mother as you do with your best fried?) Some others are the result of cultural symbols attached to beig gay or lesbia or beig a go-getter or a team player, ad some are performed for a audiece. I itimate relatioships, you ca perform ad express most of your true self; i a police iterview, you may wat to coceal some of what you are; i a hospice at the ed of your life, you may wat to hag oto a little digity as the skills, performaces, ad parts of your body ad self that used to compose your idetity have ceased to work so well, ad you are ow physically more depedet o others. Idetity i all of these forms is partly a characteristic (somethig that you possess), partly a performace (somethig that you do), ad partly a costructio of society. For example, society tells you how to be masculie ad femiie ad

16 Chapter 5 Self ad Idetit y idicates that guys ca t say that to guys (Burleso et al., 2005), thus restrictig the way i which me ca give oe aother emotioal support. Society also provides you with the categories for describig a persoality, ad the media cause you to focus o some traits more tha others. Categories like gluttoous, sexy, short, slim, paraoid, ad kid are all available to you, but they are ot all equally valued. Thus, the ways you express yourself i talk or overbal commuicatio ad the way you respod to other people i your social cotext trasact part of your idetity, so your idetity is partly costructed through your iteractios with other people. Have you had the experiece of beig with someoe who makes you ervous whe you ormally are t ervous or who helps you feel comfortable ad relaxed whe you feel tese? I these istaces, your idetity is molded ad trasacted by the perso, situatio, or commuicatio all features that we will explore. You ll get used to a rather odd phrase that is used i commuicatio studies: doig a idetity, which is sometimes used istead of havig a idetity, because commuicatio scholars ow pay close attetio to the ways i which people s behavior carries out, eacts, trasacts, or does a idetity i talk with other people. F o c u s Q u e s t i o s Is a perso s idetity like a oio, built layer by layer ad commuicated slowly as itimacy icreases? How do daily iteractios with other people form or sustai your idetity? How much of your self is a performace of social roles where you have to act out who I am for other people? What is meat by a symbolic self, ad why do we have to accout to other people for who we are? What is the role of culture i your idetity experieces? Who Are You? Cosider this example. A youg ma kissed his gradmother o the cheek as he left home oe eveig to joi his frieds waitig i a car. As he took his place i the frot seat, he waved goodbye ad promised ot to stay out too late. The car made its way up the block; he ad his frieds laughed as they recouted oe fried s recet date with a girl from the eighborhood. The laughter stopped suddely whe they oticed a youger boy stadig o the corer. This boy, a member of a rival gag, hoped to gai a higher rak by hagig out i eemy territory. The youg ma i the passeger seat glared at the boy, pulled out a gu from udereath the seat, ad bega shootig. Oe bullet struck the boy i the chest, killig him istatly. Aother

17 Chapter 5 Self ad Idetit y bullet hit a earby elderly woma walkig home from the store. The car sped off as she fell to the groud. His frieds i the car cogratulated him o defedig the block ad the casually retured to their coversatio. Whe the youg ma retured home later that eveig, he kissed his gradmother o the cheek, checked Facebook, wet ito his room, ad the drifted peacefully to sleep. How could he have doe that? How ca ayoe do somethig so vile as to shoot two people i cold blood? Your first thought is to blame his persoality: He was a evil perso, perhaps with psychopathic tedecies. Or you could put it dow to the idetity that had bee costructed durig his iitiatio ito the gag whe he was traied to accept the importace of defedig gag territory. O the other had, he probably saw himself i persoality terms too, but more favorable oes as a good gradso, a loyal perso, devoted to his gag, ad someoe uafraid of doig what is ecessary. He may have felt a twige of guilt whe the elderly woma got hit, or he may have shrugged ad thought, Well, that stuff happes i [gag] wars. Worse atrocities happeed i the Holocaust, i Bosia, ad i Iraq. Haah Aredt (1963) poited out how baal ad routie such atrocities become i wars. The routies of gag membership, war, or bureaucracy make it all too easy to come to see real huma beigs (other gag members, Serbs, Jews, Shias, Suis, America soldiers) as just targets, umbers, isurgets, subjects, or prisoers. They become aoymous elemets of the daily routie, part of the job that eeds to be doe, dehumaized others who just eed to be couted, sorted, ad cleaed away. The people lose their persoal idetity, but so too i a strage way does the perpetrator (who becomes just a gag member, priso guard, or rifle sharpshooter). What Aredt missed i her aalysis of such perpetrators, however, is the importace of their daily commuicative relatioships with other people who act ad thik i the same way about these others. Comrades implicitly accept the way that others are treated ad reiforce the idetity of gag member, guard, or assassi as OK. Aredt saw the problem as gettig so used to cruel acts because they happeed all the time ad became just part of doig the job. Commuicatio scholars ca look deeper ad see that all ogoig relatioships betwee people are what make it easier to carry out bad deeds or to perform a idetity that we would regard as uacceptable from aother vatage poit. Of course, you (or your frieds) have ever doe aythig that dehumaizes, stereotypes, or depersoalizes others, have you? You have ever called ayoe a cheeseeatig surreder mokey or take away a perso s uiqueess by callig him or her a illegal or a frat boy or lumped someoe together with all other college kids or chated, Oh, how I hate Ohio State. Earlier chapters talked about frames for situatios ad thikig. Shotter (1984) sees idetity as a frame for iterpretig other people s actios, ad Burke (1962) also saw motives ad persoality laguage as othig more tha helpful frames for iterpretatio (see Chapter 2). I short, your idetity is goig to be revealed i a laguage that reflects the priorities of a particular culture or relatioship ad

18 Chapter 5 Self ad Idetit y O October 26, 2007, a kee soccer fa was set to jail i the Uited Kigdom for killig a father of two by stabbig him 29 times after the ma had joked that he hoped the killer s favorite team (Eglad) would lose a soccer game agaist Brazil ( Football, 2007). L i s t e i o yo u r o w l i f e its frames for thikig about how humas should act ad describe themselves. The first poit to recogize, the, is that huma beigs talk about their idetities i ways that are steered by social orms ad covetios i their society ad that they expect other people to preset such arratives ad behaviors. Your culture also frames idetity as a sese of a stable ier self; it therefore feels quite ormal for you to thik i those terms, ad you ca easily uderstad the idea that someoe could let you kow about his or her private self by revealig its layers. However, you would be thought crazy if you said, My idetity is blue with a elephat spirit iside. You d soo be locked up. You have to use terms ad phrases that your audieces recogize as symbolically meaigful i the culture: I m a go-getter but quite private, ambitious yet itroverted. I other words, you frame your talk about yourself ad your idetity i the laguage that your culture has taught you to use. Although we will start with the commo-sese idea that you have a true ier self, by the ed of the chapter we will show that commuicatio studies ca teach you much more about how persoal idetity is built by relatioships with other people. The chapter should make you thik about ways i which idetity is coected to laguage; to other people; to the orms, rules, ad categories i society/ culture; ad to arratives of origi ad belogig to other relatioships. This idetity may be represeted by such statemets as I m a Africa America or, o a bumper sticker, Proud paret of a Hoor Roll studet at City High. Both of these examples make statemets of idetity yet are claimig it through relatioships with other people or membership i groups. Of course, the gag member may ot have thought about ay of this whe he pulled the trigger, but after readig this chapter you might see his actios i some ew ways. How would you describe yourself? Natioal idetity? Ethic idetity? Geder idetity? Sexual idetity? Age idetity? Social class idetity? Religious idetity? What else? Now check the categories that you ca use to persoalize your profile o Facebook or MySpace. Are they the categories you would use to describe yourself to a child, a employer, or a ew eighbor? People actually are ecouraged perhaps eve required to idetify themselves i particular categories ad items, such as favorite videos ad music, hobbies, ad sexual orietatio. How would you feel if your istructor composed a slideshow of all the Facebook profiles of the people i your class ad showed it to everyoe? Fially, a deeper questio: How do the categories that you are offered relate to products sold by the larger compaies that ow these sites, such as music, DVDs, MP3s, ad movies?

19 Chapter 5 Self ad Idetit y 5 Idetity as Ier Core: The Self-Cocept You usually thik about persos as havig some true ier core self that stays the same ad makes them who they are a persoal, private, ad essetial core, covered with layers of secrecy, privacy, ad covetio. This is kow as a selfcocept ad is the poit of view from which you talk about people havig a idetity. Cosequetly, you are alarmed by people who have multiple persoalities or are bipolar because you believe that someoe should have oly oe cosistet persoality ad that people who have more parts are disturbed or psychologically irratioal. Your persoality or idetity may be hard for other people to reach, but accordig to may self-help books ad celebrity biographies it is reachable. Commuicatio serves merely to Photo 5.1 How do daily iteractios with other people form or sustai your idetity? What is beig commuicated here about geder, idetity, ad culture? (See page 27.) help people talk about or express what is iside, perhaps doig so i greater depth as you get to kow oe aother better. Commuicatio scholars ca teach you the skill of expressig yourself well or helpig you be ope ad hoest ad let the real you be heard. You recogize the usefuless of this idea of self-cocept ad represet it ormally as a cosistet ier self made up of the perso s broad habits of thought (e.g., someoe is kid, outward-lookig, itroverted, or self-cetered). You might see that self revealed commuicatively i styles of behavior (e.g., someoe is aggressive, calm, ambitious, reliable, hard-workig, or maipulative) or i characteristic styles of perceptio (e.g., someoe is paraoid, trustig, isightful, or obstiate). Persoality is the label that you would first use to describe someoe s idetity if you were asked about it casually i a coversatio by someoe who wated to kow what that perso was like. All the same, it s a very odd idea ideed, give the fact that people are so complex. A perso ca simultaeously be may idetities depedig o your focus. For example, a perso ca simultaeously be a lovig paret, a loyal fried, a vegetaria, a coservative, quick-tempered, a good dacer, a bad cook, busiess savvy, ad a team player. Furthermore, you have a choice i the type of idetity that you describe,

20 Chapter 5 Self ad Idetit y ad you ca focus o a relatioal idetity (fried/paret), a iteractioal idetity (worker/customer/server), a sex or geder idetity (male/female/masculie/femiie/ GLBT), a racial/ethic idetity (the boxes to check o govermet forms), or a behavioral idetity (extrovert/itrovert). You have a choice, the, about where to begi your descriptio of your idetity. Actually, you already kow aother key poit about idetity from your everyday experiece. People ot oly are multilayered but also ca have differet moods ad be good compay o oe day ad bad o aother. You also recogize that people ca fluctuate durig the course of the day ad that evets may happe to them that cause them to act out of character. These fluctuatios help demostrate that it s a peculiar idea that somebody could have a fixed ier idetity if it ca also be so variable ad complex over time. The best you ca hope for, the, is that the more you get to kow someoe through talk, the more you ca uderstad the perso s usual self ad the evets or people that trigger it to spi off ito differet styles ad forms. You eed all the help you ca get for such a task, so, right or wrog, you ted to view it as a especially valuable form of iformatio whe other people give you iside scoop about their idetity or self-cocept, as if they were peelig away layers. Ideed, psychologists Irwi Altma ad Dalmas Taylor (1973) used the aalogy of peelig a oio to describe the way we get to lear about other people s idetities. The upshot, though (ad we are sorry to spoil it for you), is that all the magazie articles that offer to tell you about the real [Brad Pitt/Beyocé/Jeifer Lopez/ Hillary Rodham Clito/Adolf Hitler] are always goig to be osese. The otio that someoe has a real sigle ier core is suspect for commuicatio scholars from the get-go. Also, if idetities could ot be chaged or reviewed, there would be o therapists or commuicatio textbooks with advice o how to develop your commuicatio ad presetatio skills. The Johari widow, developed i 1955 by two guys called Joe (Luft) ad Harry (Igham) ad we re ot kiddig distiguishes betwee the thigs that a perso kows about self ad the thigs that others kow about the perso. As you ca see i Figure 5.1, people have blid spots that is, everyoe but the perso i questio ca see a particular thig about him or her (for example, that he or she is a pai ) ad there are cases where we preted (façade), cocealig from people somethig that we kow about ourselves (guilty secrets ad so forth). The area is basically where we opely act out a public idetity that everyoe else kows ad recogizes. Describig a Self If you ask people to tell you who they are, they will tell you their ame ad start ufoldig their self-cocept, usually with a arrative that places their self i various cotexts. Steve Duck idicates to someoe i your culture that the perso is male ad has had to put up with may etirely predictable ad very uorigial jokes. Although he has lived i the Uited States of America for more tha 20 years, he is a Brit, ad his family comes from Whitby i North Yorkshire, Eglad, where the

21 Chapter 5 Self ad Idetit y Kow to Self Not Kow to Self Kow to Others Area Blid Spot Not Kow to Others Façade Ukow Figure 5.1 The Johari Widow Source: From The Johari Widow, A Graphic Model of Iterpersoal Awareess, by J. Luft ad H. Igham, 1955, proceedigs of the wester traiig laboratory i group developmet, Los Ageles: UCLA. Reprited with permissio. first recorded Duck (Joh Duck) lived i Joh Duck ad Steve Duck evidetly share the same skeptical attitude toward authority figures, sice Joh is i the historical record because he sued the Abbot of Whitby over owership of a piece of lad. Joh was desceded from the Vikigs who sacked ad the coloized Whitby i about 800 AD, ad we kow this because Duck is a Vikig ickame-based surame for a huchback. (Have you ever ducked out of the way of aythig? If so, you have crouched like a huchback.) Steve Duck is also relatively short for a ma, is baldheaded but bearded, likes watchig people but is quite shy, ad ca read Lati, which is how he foud out about Joh Duck while researchig his family tree. Steve likes the music of Ralph Vaugha Williams, ejoys doig cryptic crosswords, kows about half the words that Shakespeare kew, ad has occasioally lied. He resets his mother s cotrollig behavior, was a Oxford college rowig coxswai, loves readig history (especially Roma history), ad is wheat/glute itolerat. He thiks he is a good driver; is proud of his dad, who was a Quaker pacifist (that atiauthority thig agai); ad has lived i Iowa for 23 years. He has had two marriages ad four childre, carries a Swiss Army kife (ad as may other gadgets as will fit oto oe leather belt), ad always wears two watches.

22 Chapter 5 Self ad Idetit y Notice that some of this iformatio about his idetity is self-descriptio. That is, these words describe him i much the same way that ayoe else could without kowig him persoally (for example, short, bald, two watches). Self-descriptio usually ivolves iformatio about self that is obvious i public (or o your résumé). If you wear your college T-shirt, talk with a Frech accet, or are short, this evidece about you is available eve to stragers who ca see your physical appearace or hear how you soud. Idetity i this sese, the, is commuicated publicly by verbal ad overbal meas, icludig ski color ad physique, ad it parks the idividual i categories or atioal, racial, or ethic groups or else lumps them i stereotypes. It is t really a idividual idetity but more a group membership. Self-Disclosure Some poits i Steve s descriptio of himself cout as self-disclosure that is, the revelatio of persoal iformatio that other people could ot kow uless Steve made it kow. I the above example, these are the poits that describe particular feeligs ad emotios that other people would ot kow uless Steve specifically disclosed them. The resets, is proud of, ejoys, ad thiks he is a good driver parts give you a view of his idetity that you could ot directly obtai ay other way, though you might work them out from what Steve says or does. These parts, sice they are opely stated as isights ito his thikig, would cout as self-disclosure rather tha as self-descriptio. The term self-disclosure, the, is specifically limited to revelatio of private, sesitive, ad cofidetial iformatio that is relevat to idetity, such as your values, fears, secrets, assessmets, evaluatios, ad prefereces, usually revealed to oe or two other persos at a time. Jourard (1964, 1971) wrote about self-disclosure as makig your idetity trasparet to others. He felt that people who made the most disclosures were actig i the most psychologically healthy maer. Early research coected self-disclosure ot oly with healthy psychology but also with growth i itimacy. Ideed, classic reports (e.g., Derlega et al., 1993) foud that the more people become itimate, the more they disclose to each other iformatio about themselves that is both broad ad deep. Also, the more you get to kow someoe s ier kowledge structures, the closer you feel to them. This closeess geerally develops oly if the iformatio is revealed i a way that idicates you are receivig privileged iformatio that other people do ot kow. For example, if a ma lets you (ad oly you) kow the secret that he has a serious ivisible illess (such as diabetes, lupus, or prostate cacer), a uusually strog fear of spiders, or a sigificatly distressed marriage, you may feel valued ad trusted as a result of that disclosure, because he let you ito his ier life. But there is a importat relatioal process goig o here: Whe someoe tells you about his or her ier idetity, you may feel you are beig hoored ad valued by someoe s revelatio of the ier self, or you may actually ot care for what you are hearig. The importat poit, the, is that the disclosure itself does ot make a differece to a relatioship; the relatioship, rather, makes a differece to

23 Chapter 5 Self ad Idetit y the value of the self-disclosure. If you feel the relatioship is ehaced by selfdisclosure, it is; if you do t, o matter how itimate the disclosure, the relatioship does ot grow i itimacy. Later research has refied this idea (Didia, 2000; Petroio, 2002). For example, too much disclosure of idetity is ot ecessarily a good thig at all times. You ve probably bee bored by somebody costatly tellig you more tha you wated to kow about herself TMI! O the other had, people who are closed ad do t tell aythig about themselves are usually regarded as psychologically uhealthy i some way. I additio, commuicatio scholar Kathry Didia (2000) poits out that the revelatio of idetity is rarely just a simple progressio ad is certaily ot just the declaratio of facts ad the bam! itimacy. Self-disclosure is a dyamic process tied to other social processes that relate to your idetity ad how you wat to disclose yourself over time. It is a process that ca be cotiued through the life of relatioships ad is ot a sigle oe-time choice: to disclose or ot to disclose. Ideed, part of your idetity is the skill with which you reveal or coceal iformatio about yourself ad your feeligs, as ay good poker player kows. I fact, the revelatio of your idetity, like idetity itself, is a ope-eded process that cotiues idefiitely i relatioships eve after they have become deeply itimate. It is dyamic, cotiuous, ad circular so that it is hard to say where self-disclosure or idetity begis or eds. It is also iflueced by the behavior ad commuicatio of the other perso(s) the audiece. Self-disclosure ad idetity both occur i the cotext of a relatioship that has ups ad dows, ad all of these elemets are iterdepedet. For example, José lears more about Juaita s idetity whe he hears her disclose somethig about herself that makes him feel more positive about her ad their relatioship. It also makes him ervous because, i the past, he did somethig that her disclosure shows she would ot like. So he tells her what he did ad how sorry he is about it. Juaita likes the fact that he cofides i her ad feels better about the relatioship as a result, but she woders if José is still the same perso he was whe he did the bad thig or if he is geuiely sorry ad has chaged... ad so o. Thus, idetity, self-disclosure, ad relatioships are mutually coected trasactios, ot just simply the peelig away of layers. People also place a limit o the amout of iformatio that they reveal to others, ad some choose to remai private, eve i itimate relatioships. Baxter ad Motgomery (1996) idetify a push-pull dialectic tesio of relatioships. Dialectic tesios occur wheever you are i two mids about somethig or feel a simultaeous pull i two directios. Some commuicatio scholars (e.g., Baxter, 2004; Baxter & Braithwaite, 2008) suggest that there simply is o sigular core of idetity but a dialogue betwee differet voices i your head. For example, i relatioships, you wat to feel coected to someoe else, but you do ot wat to give up all of your idepedece. You ca see how you ad your idetity ca grow by beig i a relatioship, but you ca also see that this comes at a simultaeous cost or threat to your idetity, idepedece, ad autoomy. The autoomy-coectedess dialectic is oe dialectic tesio, but aother is opeess-closedess, where people

24 10 Chapter 5 Self ad Idetit y feel social pressure to be ope yet also wat to retai cotrol over private iformatio. This tesio leads to people sometimes givig out ad sometimes holdig back iformatio about self. Eve i the same relatioship, a perso ca feel ope ad willig to reveal iformatio sometimes but crowded ad guarded at other times. These tesios are simply part of beig i a relatioship that has its ow flow: A persoal relatioship is ot a cosistet or simple experiece ay more tha idetity is. Each affects the other over time. I fact, people i relatioships egotiate boudaries of privacy (Petroio, 2002). For example, part of the differece betwee friedship ad mere acquaitace is that you have stroger boudaries aroud your idetity for acquaitaces tha you do for frieds. Also, as Jo Hess (2000) otes, you simply do t like some people, so you do t wat them to kow persoal stuff about you, ad you may actively try to limit what they fid out about you. Caughli ad Afifi (2004) have show that eve itimate parters sometimes prefer to completely avoid topics that may aoy or provoke the other perso. Petroio (2002) deals with the icosistecies i the revelatio of iformatio by poitig to the importace of boudary maagemet of the topics that have specific meaigs withi differet relatioal settigs. People experiece a tesio betwee a desire for privacy ad a demad for opeess differetly i differet relatioships. Couples make up their ow rules for cotrollig the boudaries of privacy based o the particular ature of their relatioship. So, for example, a couple may defie, betwee themselves, the ature of topics that they will metio i frot of other people ad what they will keep private. A married couple may decide what topics they ca discuss i frot of the childre, for istace, ad these topics may chage as the childre grow older. I other words, people show, employ, ad work withi differet parts of their idetity with differet audieces at differet times. Oe of the importat poits that Petroio (2002) makes, the, is that the suitability of somethig for disclosure is itself affected by relatioal cotext ad by agreemet betwee the parters. She also draws attetio to the ways i which a couple ca decide how much to disclose. Amout, type, or subject of self-disclosure ca be topics for discussio (ofte called metacommuicatio or commuicatio about commuicatio). I short, i cotrast to Jourard s (1964, 1971) idea that there are absolute rules about self-disclosure of idetity, Petroio strogly idicates that it is ofte a matter of persoal preferece or is worked out explicitly betwee the parters i a relatioship through commuicatio. Self-disclosure reacts to a orm of reciprocity (i.e., a uspoke rule about fairess ad givig back about as much as you receive). If I say somethig selfdisclosig to you i everyday life, you should tell me somethig about yourself i retur. If oe perso keeps tellig iformatio but gets othig back, the perso will stop doig it. Oddly eough, the orm of reciprocity ca actually be used to iterrogate people or fid out iformatio about them idirectly. If you say somethig persoal about yourself, that loads a obligatio o the other people to respod by sayig somethig equally persoal about themselves.

25 Chapter 5 Self ad Idetit y 11 The upshot of this discussio of self-disclosure as a revelatio of layers of self, the, is that your idetity is ot just a straightforward layered possessio of your ow ier beig. Neither is your self-disclosure of that idetity just your decisio aloe but somethig joitly owed by you ad a parter, so to speak. By ow you are recogizig that there is more to idetity tha just havig or revealig oe, the. The orms of appropriateess ad reciprocity ad the rules about amout of iformatio ad the revelatio of egative iformatio show that there is a social cotext for commuicatio about idetity. Idetity is revealed withi that set of social rules, cultural orms, ad cotexts. Idetity ad Other People Sayig that there is a social cotext for idetity is basically makig two poits: 1. Society as a whole broadly iflueces the way you thik about idetity i the first place. 2. The other people who meet a perso may ifluece the way that perso s idetity is expressed. Whe you reveal your idetity, you ofte use stories to tell the audiece somethig about yourself ad help them shape their sese of who you are. As with self-disclosure, so too with stories: They are iflueced by both society/culture ad the specific persos or audiece to whom you do the tellig. Narrative Self ad Altercastig: Trasactig Idetity by Labels ad Stories People tell stories about themselves ad other people all the time ad ofte pay special care to what they will say, particularly for occasios like job iterviews, sales pitches, ad strategic commuicatio of all sorts. You may have oticed that you tell stories of your idetity for cosumptio by other people i a social cotext ivolvig key features of all huma stories (see Chapter 2). A report about a idetity ofte characterizes the self by meas of a memory or history i its arrative or a typical or a amusig istace that ivolves character (your idetity), plot, motives, scees, ad other actors (see Chapter 2). Therefore, eve whe you reveal a iteral model of self, it orgaizes your idetity i ways other people uderstad i terms of the rules that gover accouts, arratives, ad other social reports. As Koeig Kellas (2008) has poited out, arratives ca be otology (how I came to be who I am), epistemology (how I thik about the world), idividual costructio, or a relatioal process, such as whe a couple tells the story about how they first met. Reports about a idetity have a arrative structure that builds off both the sese of origi derived from early life ad a sese of cotiuity. The self comes from

26 12 Chapter 5 Self ad Idetit y somewhere ad has roots I m Hispaic, I m a true Southerer, I m a geuie Irish McMaha. Idetity comes i part from arratives of origi, whether persoal, cultural, or species. ( Where did I come from? Where did our culture come from? How did humas get started? ) A sese of origi leads, for most people, straight back to their family, the first little society that they ever experieced. The specific cotext of family experiece is a major ad first ifluece o a perso s sese of origi ad idetity, ad it gives the perso a sese of coectio to a larger etwork of others; ideed, i Africa America cultures the family ca be see as a whole commuity that goes beyod the direct blood ties that defie family for some other cultures. The earliest memories from which you build your sese of origi are represeted i your experieces i childhood i some form of family or family-like eviromet. However, your early memories are ot eutral facts. They are loaded, like dice, by the experieces you had i your family. A horrible childhood ca make a perso absorb a idetity that gives them low Photo 5.2 How much of your self is a performace of social roles where you have to act out who I am for self-esteem, for example. People who lear other people? (See page 28.) from their childhood experieces with parets, teachers, ad peers that they are essetially worthless ted to develop a low self-esteem ad therefore to treat the later relatioal world a lot more cautiously ad with greater axiety tha do people who are treated i childhood as iterestig, worthy, ad good. The latter ed up cofidet ad secure about themselves, whereas those treated by their parets or caretakers as uisaces ot oly come to see themselves that way but also become axious i relatioships or avoid them altogether. A key poit, the, is that by both direct ad idirect meas, your iteractios ad commuicatio with other people shape your views of yourself eve whe you do t realize it or ecessarily wat it to happe ad this ifluece is ot automatically somethig you just grow out of. Early experieces with other people ifluece your later life sigificatly, as a result of their impact o the thought worlds/worlds of meaig that you develop ad the sese of idetity that they create through arratives that you form about yourself

27 Chapter 5 Self ad Idetit y 13 ad your history. The ways they do this rage from effects o the way a perso eds up feelig about self ad worth as a perso, to the goals that people set for life, to the levels of ability that they feel they have i particular areas, to the ways they relate to other people, to the dark fears that they hoard all their lives, to their beliefs about the way to behave properly ad appropriately (religious beliefs, rituals about birthdays, who cares for people emotioally, whether sports matter ), to whether life is peacefully cozy or violetly coflicted. Early experieces i the family lay dow may of the tracks upo which your later life will ru. I part, what you idetify as true about yourself relies o you reportig i a way your audiece believes to be coheret ad acceptable. It is ot just that you have a self but that you shape the tellig of your idetity i a way that your culture, your frieds, ad your audiece will accept. This distictio is like the differece betwee the words i a joke ad the way someoe tells it: The tellig adds somethig performative to the words, ad a perso ca spoil a joke by tellig it badly. Likewise with idetity, it has to be performed or told i appropriate ways. Whe the gag member, Purdue fa, or frat boy brags about his achievemets to frieds, he probably tells it differetly tha he would to the police, Idiaa Uiversity fas, or the dea of studets. Aother way to create ad publish a idetity is through labelig that is, by adoptig a particular style of ame that labels the characteristics you wat to stad out. If a faculty member refers to himself as Dr. Dave, that creates a certai kid of image, a mixture of professioalism ad accessibility ad also a amusig crossreferece to the cultural ico Dr. Phil. These ickames ad labels for the self ad others ca be used for creatio or reiforcemet of a type of idetity. I the case of other people, a techical term used i discussio of commuicatio ad idetity is altercastig. Altercastig refers to the how laguage ca force people ito a certai idetity ad the burde them with the duty to live up to the descriptio, which ca be positive or egative (Marwell & Schmitt, 1967). For example, you are altercastig whe you say, As a good fried, you will wat to help me here or Oly a fool would... These direct statemets ivolve a labelig of the listeer as a certai kid of perso (or ot). The labels positio the perso to respod appropriately (as a fried or ot as a fool). More subtly, people ca be altercast by some of the laguage tactics discussed i Chapter 2. If a mechaic or computer geek uses techical laguage (divergece), this altercasts the other perso as oexpert. You could respod by acceptig the oe-dow role of a oexpert ad feelig like a fool, or you could resist by sayig somethig that reasserts your expertise. Eve such small elemets of commuicatio trasact your idetity ad the idetities of those people aroud you. The idea that you have this oio self revealed i layers is all very well, the, util you stop to thik that you would hardly bother to speak your idetity at all i fact, there would be o shared laguage i which to do it if there were o other people to be your audiece. Oe absolute requiremet for commuicatio is that someoe else hears ad uderstads what you say. Whe you commuicate about yourself, therefore, it must be because you assume that the audiece will uderstad

28 14 Chapter 5 Self ad Idetit y you, so you must assume a shared basis for uderstadig other people. O top of that, you must assume that some special people frieds, for example ot oly uderstad your self but also do reality checks for you. Whe people talk about themselves, the, they assume you, their audiece, will be able to comprehed, iterpret, ad probably support it to some extet. The above descriptio of Steve, for example, metios a Swiss Army kife because that particular item is assumed to be kow i your culture. That meas, however, that ay descriptio of a idetity is ot just a revelatio of a ier core but is steered by beliefs about the criteria, categories, ad descriptios that will matter to, or eve impress, the relevat audiece. For example, people project a professioal idetity by wearig smart busiess clothes to a job iterview, ad people ca commuicate their culture through their accet ad behavior. You have some idea from your ow persoal experieces about the ways ad categories i which other people experiece ad expect you to commuicate who you are ad that is a relatioal poit. Symbolic Idetity: Is Your Sese of Self i You or i Your Relatioships? You ca already glimpse ways i which your sese of self is iflueced by laguage frames, culture, origi, membership, ad other people s thoughts about you. But are you really who you are without specific iteractios with specific other people? Do t you actually do a lot of your idetity for other people? You probably do ot behave exactly the same way with your best fried as you do with your mother, your istructor, or a traffic cop. Most people have a rage of idetities that they ca tur o as ecessary accordig to circumstaces ad the other people i the iteractios with them. I that case, idetity is ot so much somethig that you have as it is somethig that you do ad commuicate to other people i ways that they recogize. For example, you do ot have Idiaa Uiversity fa carved o your ier core, but you do Idiaa Uiversity fa, for example, by wearig Idiaa Uiversity clothig, goig to Idiaa Uiversity games, ad makig jokes to your frieds about Purdue. Do you feel like a differet perso whe you are with your frieds tha whe you re talkig to your mother? Are you the same perso all the time, or do you have good ad bad days, ad do you ever do thigs you regret or regard as ot typical of you as a perso? Most people have protested that someoe has misrepreseted them (ad so resisted or cotested a altercastig by refusig to accept it). A hostile or egative perso ca make you feel very bad about yourself. Have you ever met ayoe who did t really get what you are about? O the other had, you may have had a close relatioship with a parter that felt good because you were able to be your true self aroud the other perso or because the perso helped brig out sides of you that other people could ot. Did you struggle to assert a idetity idepedet from your parets whe you were a teeager? If you have had ay of these experieces, you must already be askig yourself how that is possible if you are really oe idetity. You may also have started to thik about how advertisig,

29 Chapter 5 Self ad Idetit y 15 religio, ad social fashios ifluece the ways you dress ad act. Other people ca affect what you regard as importat, the values you aspire to, the choices that you make, ad how these feed ito your sese of idetity. Your culture ad your idetity at the very least iteract with oe aother, ad at most culture accouts for quite a lot of who you are ad how you act. The lesso is simple: Your idetity is shaped by the people you iteract with because you ca reflect that your self is a object of other people s perceptios ad that they ca do critical thikig or listeig about you as well. I short, your idetity is a symbolic self, a self that exists for other people ad goes beyod what it meas to you; it arises out of social iteractio with other people. As a result, whe ad if you reveal yourself, you do so i the terms that society at large uses to explai behavior. We fit idetity descriptios ito the form of arratives that your society ad your particular acquaitaces kow about ad accept. Hece, ay form of idetity that you preset to other people is partly coected to the fact that you buy ito a bak of shared meaig that the particular audiece or commuity accepts as importat i defiig a perso s idetity. For example, part of the gag member s idetity is a result of the fact that he talked with his gag every day, greeted them each day, asked about their families, ad joked aroud with them. He also probably discussed rival gags with them, saw himself as dutiful ad good by his/their stadards, ad kew that his fellow gag members, at least, would be people he would meet agai the ext day for coversatio ad laughter. I short, he was livig i a cultural cotext that tolerated his actios ad, more importat, was i a series of repeated relatioships with the same people who shared his values. Tomorrow he would have to preserve ad project his idetity to his gag, ad he would do this i his coversatio, his everyday coectios with them, ad the sheer baality of his everyday experiece of beig alive i their compay just beig the sort of dutiful gag member that he was i his ow eyes ad the sort of reliable guy he was i their eyes. If you cheer for Purdue or Idiaa Uiversity, you do it i a group of people who share your views ad probably are your frieds, people you talk to. You act out your loyalty to your team amog your fellow fas. Aother way of thikig about someoe s idetity, the, is i terms of how broad social forces affect or eve trasact a idividual s view of who he or she is, a set of ideas referred to as symbolic iteractioism. I particular, George Herbert Mead (1934) suggested that people get their sese of self from their dealigs with other people ad from beig aware that other people observe, judge, ad evaluate your behavior. Thik of how may times you have doe or ot doe somethig because of how you would look to your frieds if you did it. Has your family ever said, What will the eighbors thik? Mead called this pheomeo the huma ability to adopt a attitude of reflectio, to thik about how you look i other people s eyes, or to reflect o the fact that other people ca see you as a social object from their poit of view. Guided by these reflectios, you do ot always do what you wat to do but what you thik people will accept. Or you may ed up doig somethig you do t wat to do because you caot thik how to say o to aother

30 16 Chapter 5 Self ad Idetit y perso i a way that looks reasoable to other people ( SHAN T! wo t do). Your idetity, the, is ot yours aloe. Ideed, Mead also saw self as a trasacted result of commuicatig with other people: You lear how to be a idividual by recogizig the way that society treats you. You come to see yourself (your idetity) as represetig someoe who is a meaigful object for other people. People recogize you as who you are ad treat you differetly from other people, so you come to see yourself as distict ot oly i their eyes but also i your ow. For example, physically attractive people ofte act cofidetly because they are aware of the fact that other people fid them attractive. O the other had, uattractive people have leared that they caot rely o their looks to make a good impressio ad may therefore adapt ad develop other ways of impressig other people (for example, by developig a great sese of humor; Berscheid & Reis, 1998). You come to see yourself, to some extet, as others see you. You come to see yourself as havig the characteristics that other people treat you as havig, ad i may cases you play to those social stregths. You ca, therefore, go further i coectig idetity through relatioships to commuicatio. If other people treat you with respect ad you come to see yourself as a respected idividual, self-respect becomes part of your ier beig. If your parets treat you like a child eve though you have ow grow up, they evoke from you some sese that you are still a child, which may cause you to feel resetmet. If you are itelliget ad people treat you as iterestig, you may come to see yourself as havig differet value to other people tha does someoe who is ot itelliget. You get so used to the idea that it gets iside your idetity ad becomes part of who you are, but it origiated from other people, ot from you. If you are tall, tough, ad muscular (ot short, bald, ad carryig a Swiss Army kife), perhaps people habitually treat you with a bit of respect ad cautio. Over time you get used to the idea, ad idetity is eacted ad trasacted i commuicatio as a perso who expects respect ad a little cautio from other people. Evetually, you will ot have to act i a itimidatig way i order to make people respectful. Your maer of commuicatig (whether i talk or overbal behavior or both) reflects their approach to you, ad their way of commuicatig reflects it back. Yet your idetity bega i the way you were treated by other people, ad it evetually becomes trasacted i commuicatio. Aother way of thikig about this is to see how society gets your frieds to do its work for it. You have ever met a society or a culture, ad you ever will. You will oly ever meet people who (re)preset some of a society s or a culture s key values to you. This cotact with other folks puts them i the role of society s secret agets. These people you meet ad talk with are doig your culture s ad your society s work ad are eactig the way i which that culture represets the sorts of values that are desirable withi it. I short, whe you commuicate with other people i your culture, you get iformatio about what works ad what does t, what is acceptable ad what is t, ad how much you cout i that society what your idetity is worth. For example, the domiat culture i the Uited States typically values ambitio,

31 Chapter 5 Self ad Idetit y 17 good looks, hard work, demostratio of material success, ad a strog code of idividuality, ad people stress those values i their talk with oe aother or else feel iadequate because they do t stack up agaist these values. Of course, you caot escape the ifluece o your self-cocept of people with whom you are forced to iteract whether you like them or ot (coworkers, professors, or relatives, for example), but the priciple is the same eve though you most ofte thik of the ifluece of your frieds ad relatives or key teachers o Whe you go home from college where you are a adult, you may ed up beig treated i the family back home as a kid or, at the very best, a grow-up kid. What commuicative styles ad techiques ca you idetify as brigig this about? yourself. Nofrieds may challege aspects of your sese of idetity ad make you reflect o the questio, Who am I? Sometimes this reflectio results i your cofidece i your opiios beig reiforced, ad sometimes it results i them beig udermied, recosidered, or modified, but eve the challeges ad discussios of everyday commuicatio trasact some effect o your view of self, your idetity. Your sese of self/idetity comes from iteractios with other people i society as a whole. Photo 5.3 What is meat by a symbolic self, ad why do we have to accout to other people for who we are? (See page 28.)

32 18 Chapter 5 Self ad Idetit y Trasactig a Self i Iteractios With Others I keepig with this book s theme, you ca t have a self without also havig relatioships with other people both the persoal relatioships you choose ad the social relatioships you reject. More tha that, it s impossible for a perso to have a cocept of self uless he or she ca reflect o idetity via the views of these other people with whom he or she has social or persoal relatioships. Your idetity is trasacted or costituted i part from two thigs: First, you take ito yourself or are reiforced for takig ito yourself the beliefs ad prevailig orms of the society i which you live. Secod, you are held to accout for the idetity that you project by those people you hag out with. The gag member would have lost status i the gag if he had ot shot his target. As a Purdue fa, you lose face if you do t kow the score durig your game with Idiaa Uiversity or caot ame your ow team s quarterback. As a studet, you are expected to kow aswers about the book you are readig for your class. Let us rephrase this poit: Because idividuals acquire idividuality through the social practices i which they exist ad carry out their lives, they ecouter powerful forces of society that are actually eforced o the groud by society s secret agets, their relatioships with other people that affect their idetities. (That raised eyebrow from your eighbor/istructor/team fa was actually society at work!) Your self is structured ad eacted i relatio to those people who have power over you i formal ways, like the police, but most ofte you ecouter the istitutios withi a society through its secret agets: public opiio ad the people you kow who express opiios about moral issues of the day ad give you their judgmets. You, too, are oe of society s secret agets, guidig what other people do ad thikig just as they do. Agai, your idetity is a complex result of your ow thikig, history, ad experiece ad of your iteractio with other people ad their ifluece o you, both as a idividual ad as oe of society s secret agets. Behid all those thigs that you thik of as simply abstract social structures, like the law, idividuals are actig i relatio to oe aother (you ad the police officer). These social relatios get iteralized ito yourself, ad you slow dow at speed-limit sigs ot because you wat to but because you saw the police car ad do t wat a ticket. It is importat to ote how the routie baality of everyday-life talk with frieds who share the same values ad talk about them day by day actually does somethig for society ad helps make you who you are. Such routies reiforce people s perspectives ad put evets i the same sorts of predictable ad routie frameworks of meaig through trivial ad pedestria commuicatio with oe aother i everyday life (Wood & Duck, 2006). But here s the poit of this sectio, so remember it well you do your idetity i frot of the audieces, ad they might evaluate ad commet o whether you re doig it right. Although we used the extreme case about the gag member as a attetio grabber, the same kids of processes are goig o i iteractio whe you profess your udyig allegiace to oe football team ad

33 Chapter 5 Self ad Idetit y 19 S t r at e g i c C o m m u i c at i o Look at your Facebook profile. How do you thik you look? Take a closer look, this time at the profiles of the members of your class. How do you thik they are tryig to preset themselves as idividuals? Take otes ad discuss it i class. your supposed hatred of the opposig team. The people aroud you do ot reset it but actually ecourage you ad reiforce your expressio of that idetity. They share it ad support it. Just as the gag member accepted his idetity with all its disturbig implicatios, so do you whe you categorize the opposig team as some kid of eemy. The uderlyig idea that a group of people ca be treated as othig more tha depersoalized, dehumaized others rus through team loyalty ad rivalry, tow versus college kids, ad ay other kid of stereotypig. Performative Self So ow that you kow the importace of other people i ifluecig who you are, you are ready to move o to look more closely at the curious idea that you do t just have a idetity; you actually do oe. Part of a idetity is ot just havig a symbolic sese of it but doig it i the presece of other people ad doig it well i their eyes. This is a extremely iterestig ad provocative fact about commuicatio: Everyoe does his or her idetity for a audiece, like a actor i a play. Facework is part of what happes i everyday-life commuicatio (Chapter 2), ad people have a sese of their ow digity ad image the perso they wat to be see as. That is part of what gets trasacted i everyday commuicatio by the perso ad by others i the iteractio who politely protect ad preserve the perso s face. We ca ow restate this idea for the preset chapter as beig the performace of oe s idetity i public, the presetatio of the self to people i a way that is iteded to make the self look good. Ervig Goffma (1959) dealt with this particular problem ad idicated the way i which mometary social forces affect idetity portrayal. Goffma was particularly iterested i how idetity is performed i everyday life ad how people maage their image i a way that makes them look good (Cupach & Metts, 1994). You will already have worked out for yourself that the cocept of lookig good meas lookig good to other people. It is therefore essetially a relatioal cocept, but it takes you oe step closer to lookig at the iterpersoal iteractio that occurs o the groud every day. Rather tha lookig at society i the geeralized ad abstract way that George Herbert Mead did, Goffma focused o what you actually do i coversatios ad iteractios.

34 20 Chapter 5 Self ad Idetit y As you recall, your portrayal of yourself is shaped by the social eeds at the time, the social situatio, the social frame, ad the circumstaces surroudig your performace. Remember the server from Chapter 1? She does ot itroduce herself that way to her frieds ( Hi, I m Roberta, ad I ll be your server toight... ) except as a joke, so her performace of the server idetity is restricted to those times ad places where it is called for ad appropriate. Goffma differetiated a frot regio ad back regio to social performace: The frot regio/frot stage is where your professioal, proper self is performed. For example, a server is all smiles ad civility i the frot stage of the restaurat whe talkig to customers. This behavior might be differet from how he or she performs i the back regio/ backstage (say, the restaurat kitche) whe talkig with the cooks or other servers ad makig jokes about the customers or beig disrespectful to them. That meas the performace of your idetity is ot sprug ito actio by your ow free wishes but by social cues that this is the right place ad time to perform your self i that way. A idetity is a perso makig sese of the world ot just for him- or herself but i a way that makes sese withi a cotext provided by others. Ay idetity coects to other idetities. You ca be friedly whe you are with your frieds, but you are expected to be professioal whe o the job ad to do studet idetity whe i class. A idividual ievitably draws o kowledge that is shared i ay commuity to which he or she belogs, so ay perso draws o iformatio ad kowledge that are both persoal ad commual. If you chage from thikig of idetity as about self as character ad istead see it as self as performer, you also must cosider the importace of liguistic competece i social performace, ad that icludes ot doig or sayig embarrassig or foolish thigs. Performig Self Badly: Embarrassmet ad Predicamets Embarrassmet is oe of the big problems of social life ad ivolves you actually performig a behavior that is icosistet with the idetity or face that you wat to preset. Cupach ad Metts (1994; Metts, 2000) have doe a large amout of research o this topic. Someoe who wats to impress a iterviewer but istead spills coffee o her lap will be embarrassed because her face of professioal competece is udercut by clumsiess; someoe who wats to preset a face of beig cool but who suddely blushes or twitches will probably feel embarrassed because the overbal behavior cotradicts the idetity of beig cool. I both cases the actual performace of a idetity (face) is udercut by a specific behavior that just does ot fit that presetatio of face. People ca be embarrassed by dumb acts that udercut their performative self, the doig of the idetity that they have claimed for themselves (such as professioal competece), mometarily like this, or they ca get ito loger-term predicamets that preset a greater challege to the performative self. Thik of

35 Chapter 5 Self ad Idetit y 21 predicamets as exteded embarrassmet. If you go to a job iterview ad your very first aswer makes you look stupid, you kow you are still goig to have to carry o through the iterview ayway, with the iterviewers all thikig you are a hopeless, worthless, ad uhireable idiot. You d rather jump ito a vat of boilig sulfur right ow, but you caot; you have to sit it out watchig their polite smiles ad feelig terrible. Predicamets, like stadig up to give a speech ad realizig you brought oly Page 1 of your 10 pages of otes ca be a real test of character (it was for oe of us authors, ayway), but predicamets test the performative self ad challege the perso to live up to the claims preseted i the symbolic idetity that the face set up. Of course, predicamets are modified by relatioships. As people become closer ad more itimate, they are allowed to breach the presetatio of oe aother s face to a greater degree tha stragers may do (Metts, 2000). Part of kowig someoe well is that you ca cross the ormal social, physical, or psychological boudaries that exist for everyoe else who does ot kow him or her so well. Mock putdows are quite a commo form of itimate bater i Eglish-speakig coutries but ot i Easter cultures, which suggests that the otio of face ad idetity is a culturally iflueced oe o top of everythig else that iflueces it. However, the idea that people work together i relatioships to uphold oe aother s face through politeess is a importat oe, called teamwork by Goffma (1971). Direct challeges to aother perso s competece ( You are a failure! ) are opely offesive i most circumstaces, although, the more itimate the relatioship is, they are tolerated to a greater degree. Frieds are permitted a great deal more latitude i makig such commets tha stragers are, ad less offese is take whe a fried says such a thig tha would be take if a strager or relatively distat ad ukow colleague at work said it. Bosses may say it directly to a iferior because they have social power to break ormal social rules, but it ca still hurt. A worker who said it to a boss would be see quite uambiguously as steppig outside the proper relatioal ad hierarchical boudaries. This very fact makes a poit that both cotext ad relatioships serve to defie the sorts of commuicatio about idetity that are accepted, ad vice versa. Except i live stadup comedy shows where audiece members atted expectig to see someoe (preferably someoe else) humiliated, the ope attack o someoe s idetity maagemet is a relatioal commuicatio with great power ad shock value. Make Your Case What was your most embarrassig experiece, ad why was it embarrassig? What did it say about you? What did you do about it?

36 22 Chapter 5 Self ad Idetit y How the Self Is Costituted/Trasacted i Everyday Practices Although this chapter has bee about persoal idetity, we have see that idetity is molded by the ways i which the surroudig culture iflueces its expressio, the way that you do your idetity ad are recogized as havig oe. Oce you recogize that your idetity is ot just a iteral structure but also a practical performace, the relevat commuicatio ivolved i beig yourself is affected by the social orms that are i place to guide behavior i a give society. People judge your idetity performace ad expect you to kow about the same practical world ad explai or accout for yourself. Your idetity is doe i a material world that affects who you are. For example, the fact that you ca commuicate with other people more or less istataeously across huge distaces by mobile telephoe materially affects your sese of coectio to other people. This practical self ad how the ability to do practical thigs affects your sese of self is illustrated by the importace to may youg people of learig to drive a car. Whe you ca drive, ot oly do you go through the trasformatio of self as more of a grow-up, but you ca actually do lots of thigs whe you have a car that you caot do whe you do ot have oe, so your sese of idetity expads. Part of your performace of self is coected to the practical artifacts, accompaimets, ad stuff that you use i your performace. If you have the right stuff (professioal suit, blig, or a sports car), the self that you project is differet from the self you perform whe those thigs are ot ifluecig your performace. A importat elemet of doig a idetity i frot of a audiece is that you become a accoutable self, which essetially allows your idetity to be morally judged by other people. What you do ca be assessed by other people as right or wrog accordig to existig habits of society. Ay practical way of performig idetity turs idetity itself ito a moral actio that is, idetity as a way of livig based o choices made about actios that a perso sees as available or relevat but that others will judge ad hold to accout. This poit moves the discussio about social costructio of idetity o from iteractio with other people through the force of society ad its value systems. Society as a whole ecourages you to take certai actios (do ot park ext to fire hydrats, protect the elderly ad the weak, be a good eighbor, recycle!) Moral accoutability (which is related to the moral cotext for arratives) is a facy way of sayig that society as a whole makes judgmets about your actios ad choices ad the holds you to accout for the actios ad choices that you make, but it also forcefully ecourages you to act i particular ways ad to see specific types of idetity as good (patriot is good, traitor is bad; loyalty is good, thief is bad; ope self-disclosure is good, passive aggressio is bad, for example). The idetity that you thought of as your ow persoality, the, is ot made up of your ow desires ad impulses but is formed, performed, ad expressed withi a set of social patters ad judgmets built up by values ad practices i a commuity or

37 Chapter 5 Self ad Idetit y 23 Photo 5.4 How is your idetity trasacted i everyday practices? (See page 28.) culture through the relatioships that people have with oe aother i it. The gag members did ot call the shooter to accout; the Idiaa Uiversity fa is ot asked why she is cheerig for Idiaa Uiversity by other Idiaa Uiversity fas. For all of these reasos, it makes sese to see a perso s idetity as a complex ad compoud cocept that is partly based o history, memory, experieces, ad iterpretatios by the idividual, partly evoked by mometary aspects of talk (its cotext, the people you are with, your stage i life, your goals at the time), ad partly a social creatio directed by other people, society ad its categories, ad your relatioship eeds ad objectives i those cotexts. Your performace of the self is guided by your relatioships with other people, as well as your social goals. Eve your embodimet of this kowledge or your sese of self is shaped by your social practices with other people ad your sese of their valuig your physical beig. Your self-cosciousess i their presece ad the ways you deal with it also ifluece the presetatio of yourself to other people. Although a sese of self/idetity is experieced o the groud i your practical iteractios with other people, you get trapped by laguage ito reportig it abstractly as some sort of disembodied

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