COUCH POTATOES OF THE 21st CENTURY a Comedy Re-view of the Future by Jeff Whipple Performance Rights It is an infringement of the federal copyright law to copy this script in any way or to perform this play without royalty payment. All rights are controlled by Eldridge Publishing Co., Inc. Contact the publisher for additional scripts and further licensing information. On all programs and advertising the author s name must appear as well as this notice: Produced by special arrangement with Eldridge Publishing Co. PUBLISHED BY ELDRIDGE PUBLISHING COMPANY www.histage.com 2001 by Jeff Whipple Download your complete script from Eldridge Publishing http://www.histage.com/playdetails.asp?pid=1063
- 2 - STORY OF THE PLAY Couch Potatoes of the 21st Century is a satirical revue, romantic comedy, and hilarious take-off on television all rolled into one. At the dawn of the 22nd century, most human beings have become practitioners of Spudism. They ve done away with their physical bodies, preferring to inhabit potato-like hosts perched on sofas in front of TV sets. Hank and Bertha, two discontented 80-year-old Spudists, are watching Telewas, a TV program about what the world was like fifty years ago, in 2051, when they decided to become permanent couch potatoes. Two clone actors play younger versions of Hank and Bertha on the show. The back-to-the-future TV format (replete with commercials and infomercials) shows a brave new world, indeed. In a remarkable twist on technological advancement, which has created massive unemployment, human beings now do the jobs of appliances: they are manual telephones, can openers, buzzers, beepers and ATM machines. Robbers stalk their victims in the newest version of reality TV, men have pregnancy contests, and mothers use remote controls to turn their children and husbands into the sweet, caring people they ve always wanted them to be. Young Hank and Bertha meet when he works as a telephone at her home. After a date or two, he fills in for her absent toothbrush one evening, and they grow close. When Hank appears on Spudism 2051, a popular quiz show, and wins the grand prize, a Spudism operation for two, he invites Bertha to join him for life. But the older Hank and Bertha protest. After fifty years on the couch, they re unhappy and bored. They want a second chance inside real bodies. Will they get it?
- 3 - CAST OF CHARACTERS (15 m, 12 w, 6 flexible, extras) A minimum of 8 actors (4 m, 4 w) can double in all the roles. The three actors playing the *characters, however, cannot double. HANK*: The hero, 20s, attractive, young professional. BERTHA*: The heroine, 20s, attractive, young professional. PHIL*: Spudism media representative. #1, #2, #3: Television actors (Male or female). DOC: Female doctor. ANDY: Football player. HEIDI: Flight attendant. CHIP: Teenager. PATSY: His teenage sister. MOM: Their mother. DAD: Their father. GEORGE: Waiter in Australian restaurant. MR. COURTESY: Automatic bank teller machine. EDNA: Bank customer. ROBBER: Mugger in the park. IRMA: News reporter. WILBUR: Infomercial actor. MYRTLE: Infomercial actor. HOST: TV show host. ED: Pregnant guy. IRVING (VIVIAN): Male (or female) appliance. WALDO (WANDA): Male (or female) appliance. AGNES: Suburban housewife. LUCY: Her best friend. REGGIE: An onery can opener. OLIVER: Commercial actor. GERTRUDE: Commercial actor. HAL: Used appliance salesman. ABNER: Game show dinger. LEON: Game show contestant. HARRIET: Game show contestant. VOICES for TV shows, dog barking and cat meowing.
- 4 - PRODUCTION NOTES Since the play mimics a television show, it is imperative that scenes flow smoothly from one to the next with no dead time in between, even when there are blackouts. SET An empty stage or a plain, gray-blue room. No windows or doors and no furniture or props other than what each scene requires. Some scenes require chairs. They can be simple folding chairs. The first and last scenes require a sofa, which is described in scene one. COSTUMES All the actors should wear the same color T-shirts and matching pants. Two scenes require additional costumes, and they can easily be made with cloth and paper materials. SOUND EFFECTS TV voices and sound effects should be created by the cast backstage and played over the loud speakers system. A NOTE ON TIME The play takes place 100 years from the day it s produced. It s a look back at fifty years in the characters' past, which is fifty years from the day the show is produced. Any references to the dates should be adjusted to reflect the date of the characters' time. The play was written in 2001, so the script refers to 2101; but if it s 2002, change it to 2102, etc.
- 5 - COUCH POTATOES OF THE 21st CENTURY Scene 1 "Telewas" (AT RISE: LIGHTS up. Nature SOUNDS from a marsh are heard: birds, insects, weeds rustling, etc. A small sofa is center stage, facing the audience. There is nothing else on stage. On the sofa are two large potato-like forms. They are HANK and BERTHA and the audience hears their voices as if the potato forms are talking. A small, red light in each potato comes on when Hank or Bertha talk and when the TV channel changes. Although we ll find out that Hank and Bertha are actually in their 80s, they talk in their normal voices.) BERTHA: Wow! HANK: Yuck! That s really gross. NATURE PROGRAM NARRATOR: (Offstage.) Back in the scrub marsh, this palm rat makes a dainty dinner for the hungry king snake. BERTHA: What s dainty about a palm rat? HANK: Bertha, let s watch something else. BERTHA: Isn t it cool the way the tail sticks out of the snake s mouth? HANK: It s gross. Let s see what else is on, OK? BERTHA: Hold on. (A pause.) NATURE PROGRAM NARRATOR: Now the king snake will regurgitate the head of the palm rat. HANK: That s it! BERTHA: Wait! (The red light on HANK S potato body comes on and a BEEP is heard. The MARSH SOUNDS are replaced by WAR EXPLOSIONS and old ACTION MUSIC. A DOCUMENTARY VOICE is heard.) DOCUMENTARY VOICE:... until the bombardment halted at daybreak. Across the bay, the crew of the Sheffield fought gallantly against the Japanese onslaught. BERTHA: Why d you change it?
- 6 - HANK: Those old nature shows are depressing. BERTHA: It was just a rat, Hank. You have to let it go. DOCUMENTARY VOICE: On the morning of April 16, 1944, six Japanese fighters appeared in the sky. (We hear AIRPLANE SOUNDS and ANTI-AIRCRAFT GUNS.) HANK: Hey, that was over 150 years ago. Can you imagine? BERTHA: I hate war shows. HANK: Quiet! This one s fascinating. DOCUMENTARY VOICE: The survivors of the Sheffield were faced with the grim task of retrieving their fallen comrades. (Sad WAR MUSIC.) BERTHA: Hank, c'mon! HANK: OK, OK. (HANK S red light comes on, a BEEP and a TV NEWSPERSON is heard.) NEWSPERSON:... and in local news once again nothing of any significance has happened. But here s a nice shot of a sunset. BERTHA: I don t want to watch the news either. NEWSPERSON: We ll be right back with your complete weather forecast after this message from the Spudist Society. (SOFT MUSIC plays over the speakers.) BERTHA: Change the station. HANK: Wait, it s a commercial about Spudism. BERTHA: So what? PHIL: (Old man s voice.) Hello, I m Phil Starch, host of Spud Quiz 2101. I have a message for those of you who still are sitting around in your stinking, filthy bodies. HANK: Hey, he s the guy that helped us become potatoes! BERTHA: Big deal.
- 7 - PHIL: The Spudist Society is currently offering a two for one special for couples who wish to have their bodies removed. Call now for your free consultation. HANK: Man, he looks like he s a hundred years old. BERTHA: He probably is, Hank. We haven t seen him in fifty years, ya know. PHIL: If you call now, they ll include hair removal at no extra charge. BERTHA: Please change the station! HANK: OK, OK. (HANK S light comes on, a BEEP and the Spudism COMMERCIAL MUSIC switches to soft, ROMANTIC MUSIC.) BERTHA: That s better. HANK: What s better about it? BERTHA: It s a love story. It s romantic. HANK: What s romantic about all that physical stuff? BERTHA: People used to express love that way. HANK: They shoulda just sent e-mails. BERTHA: I really miss having arms and legs. That looks like so much fun. HANK: They look retarded. BERTHA: This must be fifty years old. HANK: At least. BERTHA: Remember when we used to dance like that? HANK: No. BERTHA: Yes you do. I know you do. HANK: OK, I remember. So what? I m glad they got rid of those stupid animal urges. BERTHA: I still miss them. HANK: Well, then we definitely shouldn t watch this show. (HANK S light comes on and we hear an EVEN TONE that is overlapped by a mechanical FEMALE VOICE.) FEMALE VOICE: Please make your program selection. HANK: OK, what do we watch now?
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