Clint Snyder Big Dog Publishing

Clint Snyder Big Dog Publishing

2 Copyright 2015, Clint Snyder ALL RIGHTS RESERVED Please Hold 2: The Trainees is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, and all of the countries covered by the Universal Copyright Convention and countries with which the United States has bilateral copyright relations including Canada, Mexico, Australia, and all nations of the United Kingdom. Copying or reproducing all or any part of this book in any manner is strictly forbidden by law. No part of this book may be stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form by any means including mechanical, electronic, photocopying, recording, or videotaping without written permission from the publisher. A royalty is due for every performance of this play whether admission is charged or not. A performance is any presentation in which an audience of any size is admitted. The name of the author must appear on all programs, printing, and advertising for the play. The program must also contain the following notice: Produced by special arrangement with Big Dog/Norman Maine Publishing LLC, Rapid City, SD. All rights including professional, amateur, radio broadcasting, television, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, and the rights of translation into foreign languages are strictly reserved by Big Dog/Norman Maine Publishing LLC, www.bigdogplays.com, to whom all inquiries should be addressed. Big Dog Publishing P.O. Box 1401 Rapid City, SD 57709

3 Please Hold 2 The Trainees FARCE. In this uproarious sequel to Please Hold, we re back at the Blueberry Tree Cable Company call center with new customer service agents, their trainees, and a mob of angry customers. Since training costs money, the trainees are forced to learn by doing as they answer calls from a foreign customer who wants to know where the blink box is, an elderly woman who is trying to reach a guy named Mort, a hungry customer who is desperate for some biscuits and gravy, and a satellite customer who is angry that there is a pole through his house. There also have been a few major changes at the company. The head of human resources is now a potato, and the company s president would like to replace all employees with monkeys if federal regulations will allow it. Easy to stage and a whole lot of fun! Performance Time: Approximately 30 minutes. Note: For a full evening, combine this play with Please Hold by Clint Snyder.

4 Characters (4 M, 9 F, 10 flexible) TIM: President of the Blueberry Tree Cable Company who would love to replace all employees with monkeys; male. REGINA: Supervisor at the Blueberry Tree Cable Company call center; female. GODZILLA 9: Regina s ugly pet dog; wears a dog costume and a pink bow; flexible. (Note: May use a live dog or a stuffed dog instead.) CHRIS: Call center trainee who wants to decorate his cubical with wrapping paper and mini cactuses; male. PENELOPE: Call center trainee who wants to get fired; female. SAM: Call center trainee; male. TINY: Call center trainee; flexible. CLAY: Call center trainee; male. CONFUSED CUSTOMER: Customer who is more confused after contacting the call center; flexible. HUNGRY CUSTOMER: Hungry customer who is desperate for some biscuits and gravy; flexible. LONNI: Satellite customer who is angry that there is a pole through his house; flexible. REALLY FOREIGN CUSTOMER: Customer who wants to know where the blink box is; flexible. MIRANDA: Customer who is angry because her bill is going up; female. JESSICA: Customer who just wants to pay her bill; female. ETHEL: Elderly woman trying to reach Mort ; female. SANDY: Customer angry about a late fee; female. KRISTY: Veteran call center employee; female. SABRINA: Veteran call center employee; female. KRISTY: Veteran call center employee; female. RANDOM CUSTOMER 1-4: Customers; flexible.

5 Setting Blueberry Tree Cable Company call center. Set Blueberry Tree cable company call center. There are four chairs facing the audience. On one side of each of the chairs is a shorter chair for a trainee to sit. Opposite is a chair for the caller. At the edge is a larger chair where the Supervisor sits. Synopsis of Scenes Scene 1: Blueberry Tree Cable Company call center. Scene 2: Blueberry Tree Cable Company call center, a short time later.

6 PropS Ugly stuffed dog with a pink bow (opt.) Headsets for Agents

7 Why, I d replace all of you right now with monkeys if I could. tim

8 Scene 1 (AT RISE: Blueberry Tree cable company call center. Four veteran Agents are sitting in chairs facing the audience. On one side of each of the chairs is a shorter chair for a Trainee. Opposite is a chair for the Caller. At the edge is a larger chair where Regina, the Supervisor, sits. Lights up on Regina. She is petting her tiny, ugly dog, Godzilla 9.) REGINA: (To Godzilla 9, baby talk.) Look at you, you wittle monster, you! You are just a poopin monster, aren t you? I bet all the other doggies all say, Hey, there goes Regina s wittle cute poopin monster, or at least they would if I let you near other doggies! But Mama knows that putting you near other animals can make you susceptible to diseases, and we don t want a sick wittle poopin machine, do we?! No, we don t! No, we don t! (Looks up and notices the Trainees.) Ahhhh! SAM: Ahhhh! REGINA: You can t just sneak up on people like that! PENELOPE: We didn t sneak up. We ve been sitting here for 20 minutes. REGINA: You re the new trainees? Well, just so you know, it looks like you re 20 minutes late not a good way to start out your shift but since most people would rather drink gasoline than work here, I guess we ll let it slide. TINY: (Points to Godzilla 9.) What s his name? REGINA: Who? Oh, you mean Mama s little poopin machine? Well, I wanted to go with something that rolls off the tongue but also something practical so I named him Godzilla 9. TINY: Why nine and not some other number? REGINA: Because Godzilla 1 through 8 had a weak disposition. CLAY: (Indicating Godzilla s pink bow.) I like the bow. REGINA: Thanks. It was my daughter s.

9 TINY: Where s she at? (Pause.) REGINA: She also had a weak disposition. TINY: Oh. (Realizes, gasps.) Oooooohhhhh! CHRIS: (To Regina.) I have a question. I would like to decorate my cubical. Grey is just not going to work for me. REGINA: Well, you re not going to work for me much longer if you keep talking like that. CHRIS: I don t work for you. I m my own man! And this man likes his cubical to be decorated with cheap wrapping paper, sad-looking miniature cactuses that are overwatered, and way too much health food. REGINA: Well okay, then. PENELOPE: Can we just start training so that I can go home and watch some TV? REGINA: What do you mean? PENELOPE: Well, my mom told me that I have to get a job, so I told her she s useless. Then she took away my car unless I found a job, so I m stuck here until I can get myself fired, which I can assure you will be very shortly. REGINA: Oh, that s such a unique sense of humor. PENELOPE: The only joke around here is you being in charge. REGINA: (Laughs.) Oh! I can already tell you have spirit. PENELOPE: What do I have to do to get fired around here? REGINA: Surprisingly, a lot. Our HR department head is a potato. TINY: You mean a couch potato like he s just really, really lazy? REGINA: No, the head of HR is a potato. They wanted to cut back on staffing costs so they put a potato in front in the chair where the HR head used to be which might explain why nobody has gotten their paychecks in a month. CHRIS: Ummm I m not dealing with a late paycheck. What do you expect me to get out of this job without any money?

10 REGINA: Character. You learn a lot about yourself when you get screamed at nonstop for eight hours a day. TINY: Screamed at? I don t think I can handle that! I don t work well under pressure! You should know that! I put it on my resume! It s listed under special skills! (Tim, the president of the company, enters behind Regina, who does not notice.) REGINA: Well, unfortunately, for you, you are going to have a lot of people screaming at you because the head of our company is a complete idiot. A monkey is smarter than him. TIM: Well, of course, a monkey is smarter than me! Monkeys are really, really, really, really smart! Have you ever watched a nature special? They get termites out of dirt hills with sticks! Who would think of that? I ll tell you who! A genius a monkey genius. Why, I d replace all of you right now with monkeys if I could. Unfortunately, OCSHA regulations force me to staff people, and the folks at the zoo did not take too kindly to me trying to prevent their monkeys from unionizing. REGINA: Oh, Mr. President! I did not see you there! TIM: Of course, you didn t! Because you do not have excellent peripheral vision like me! There isn t an animal alive that has better peripheral vision than me except maybe me. But if you were me, then (Thinks.) me would be you? Me uhhh (Confused.) I ll have to get back to you on that one. PENELOPE: (To other Trainees, indicating Tim.) Who is this clown? TIM: That reminds me! I need to visit the circus more frequently! Take a note, Susan! REGINA: My name is Regina. I ve worked here for five years. I went to your wedding! TIM: Females always thinking about weddings!

11 (Penelope approaches Tim and slaps him across the face.) PENELOPE: There! That should get me fired! TIM: Wow! What power! You re going to fit in great here, Penelope! (To Regina.) Write that down, Tina. Give her a raise! PENELOPE: (Disappointed.) Seriously, I slap the president of the company and I can t get fired? REGINA: (To Tim.) How do you remember her name when she has not even said it before, but you can t remember mine and I ve worked here for five years? TIM: She slapped me. REGINA: Oh. (Everyone nods in agreement.) CLAY: That makes sense. TIM: Cents! That s what I want you all to think about making for me! Make me some cents, then make me some dollars. Then when you really get going, make me some pesos! Who knows? If you work hard enough, we could advance you. Just look at the head of HR! SAM: I thought the head of HR was a potato? TIM: Exactly! And look at all the things a potato can do! It can be French fries, or baked potatoes, or (Thinks.) French fries. [END OF FREEVIEW]