Secrets of Communication and Self Development

Secrets of Communication and Self Development The following publications highlight Dr. Dilip Abayasekara's remarkable work in the field of speech consultation. They are provided free as our way of saying, "Thank you for touring our site." Our hope is that they will help you achieve your goals for effective public speaking and self development. Dilip Abayasekara, Ph.D., Accredited Speaker is a professional speaker, trainer, and speech coach. His focus, through his training company, Speaker Services Unlimited, is to help people discover their own genius and find their path of fulfillment. Let Your Body Speak Six Essential Tools for Connecting with Body Language Dilip R. Abayasekara, Ph.D., AS One of the most widely heralded communication research findings has been Professor Albert Mehrabian s discovery about the importance of non-verbal signals. Professor Mehrabian set out to find out the effect of key components of oral communication on the believability of the message by the audience. He looked at the actual words we use (verbal component), what we sound like when we say those words (vocal component), and what we look like when we say those words (visual component). Much to many people s surprise, the findings came out that the verbal component is only 7%. The vocal component is 38%. The visual component is a whopping 55%. What does that mean to you? It means that when your audience hears your message, whether they believe what you say or not has more to do with the visual cues they observe and your vocal tonality (93%, according to the Mehrabian study!) than your choice of words. Experts acknowledge that most people are not even aware of how their mind scans the speaker, notices visual and vocal cues, and makes instant judgments about the speaker s credibility. If the verbal, vocal, and visual messages are not in harmony, then the listener will believe the visual and vocal signals more than the spoken message. In that case, your connection with the audience will be broken, and your communication effort will not succeed. Let s take a close look at the most important of these persuasive cues, your body language. According to my experience and observations, your six most important non-verbal tools are eye contact, facial expressions, posture, use of hands and arms, body movement, and appearance. Let s take a look at each of these, in turn. Eye Contact In western culture and many other parts of the world, when a speaker looks at you, you are more likely to feel that the speaker cares about connecting with you and acknowledges your presence. When a speaker does not look at you, you are more likely to feel that he or she isn t telling the truth. Sometimes this could be interpreted as the speaker lacking respect for the listener. However, one should keep in mind that there are some cultures where eye contact is not welcome. The following comments apply to those cultures where eye contact is expected. In a previous article titled, How to Overcome Presentation Jitters, I mentioned that a speakers attention should not be on self but instead, it should be on the audience and the message. When you, as a speaker are focused on connecting with the audience, it is natural to look at members of the audience. The problem some speakers face is that due to lack of confidence in themselves, they do not directly look at the audience. I have heard a public speaking myth that to avoid the challenge of looking into people s eyes, the speaker should look over the heads of the audience. This is bad advice! Page 1

Consider your talk as a conversation with many people, one person at a time. Just as you would in a conversation, take the time to look at the audience, one person at a time. Look in to each person s eyes for about 3 to 5 seconds before going on to look at another person. Each person you look at will feel that you are talking directly to him or her. Interestingly, when you are making good eye contact, the tone of your voice is also likely to become more conversational, thereby connecting better with the audience. What do you do when the audience is very large? You obviously can t look into the eyes of every person in the audience. In that case, you mentally divide the audience into several blocks. Pick one person from a block at a time; look directly at that person, and talk. Because of the distance that you are from them, the people around that person will think that you are speaking to them. So, more than one person will feel that you are taking a personal interest in them and talking directly to them. As you work your eyes around the blocks, eventually every person in that audience can feel connected to you. Face You ve heard the term, Poker face. To have a poker face means that one s face does not show any emotion. The face does not show what one is thinking. Well, that is an excellent trait for a poker player, but not for a communicator! Your message gains believability when your facial expressions are in harmony with what you say. When there is a disconnection between your words and your face, your words lack impact and credibility. Sure, there are comedians who can give a joke with a deadpan face and make their audiences roar with laughter, but they are professionals who have spent years perfecting their act. The speaker realizes that he is not an actor, but a performer. The speaker s job isn t done unless he connects with the mind and heart of the members of the audience. In order to do that, the speaker must have a face that tunes itself to the message. I have found that the best way to have this flexible face is to FEEL the words that you are saying. Let your thoughts, your mouth, your words, and your heart all be connected to your facial muscles. That is another way of saying that your face feels every vibration and meaning of your words. When that happens, your face will become congruent with your message. This will add a powerful dimension on connectivity and believability between you and your audience. After many years of being exposed to visual images on television and movies, people are very good at catching the meaning of subtle nuances of facial expressions. So don t overdo or pre-prepare facial expressions. Simply feel your words and let your face naturally reflect your feeling. Posture Given the choice between listening to a speaker with droopy posture and erect posture, most people prefer to listen to the person with erect posture. Why? The reason is that we human beings relate erect posture with confidence and self-assurance. Poor posture works against this perception. You, as a speaker, begin to connect with the audience well before they hear your first words. That is because your appearance and posture tells them something about you before you open your mouth. A chiropractor friend of mine told me that most people suffer from a condition called FHP. FHP stands for forward head posture. How do you know whether you have FHP? Stand up in your normal fashion and ask someone to stand by your side and check whether a straight line drawn down from the middle of your earlobe would connect with your shoulder. If that line connects with your shoulder, you are standing erect and show no FHP. However, for most people, that line lands in front of the shoulder. That is because they hold their head ahead of the shoulder line. Page 2

As my chiropractor explained it, this position puts a great deal of stress on your spine. Try this: Put your thumb and two fingers into the three holes of a bowling ball and hold that ball straight up in line with your forearm as if you are getting ready to bowl. As long as the bowling ball is in line with your forearm, you will feel that you can hold the ball without a problem. Now tilt the bowling ball forward so that it is in front of the line formed by your forearm. Do you feel the tension on your hand and on your arm? That s what happens with poor posture. Your entire body can go out of whack. If you suffer from a bad case of FHP, then consider visiting to your chiropractor for an assessment and corrective help. There is an exercise for posture called the beauty queen wall exercise. I have been told that beauty pageant contestants practice this in order to have excellent posture. This is the way it works: stand against a wall facing away from it. Touch the wall with your head, your shoulders, your buttocks, and your heels. Now push your calves to touch the wall. Then push the small of your back to touch the wall. This is a very unnaturally straight posture. Now step forward from the wall, maintaining that posture. You will feel as if there is a board down your back! However, your posture will be ramrod straight. Make a conscious decision to carry your self straight. Let your pride in yourself show to the world by the way you carry yourself. This will add to your credibility and you will connect with the audience as a self-assured communicator. Use of Hands and Arms The movement of hands and arms, known to us as gestures, are a very powerful tool for the speaker. Your hands could be the most expressive visual aid you possess. The hands are a master speaker s paintbrush on the canvas of the audience s connection with a speech. By movements of the hands and arms, the speaker can give life to the words of the speech. Sometimes the movements are subtle. Sometimes they are wide-ranging and powerful. Good gestures don t draw attention to the gesture; they draw attention to the meaning you are conveying to the audience. The beginning speaker often wonders what to do with the hands. They seem to get in the way of speaking. So the speaker will hide the hands or grasp the sides of the lectern. This is like a painter holding his paintbrush behind him and trying to paint with his tongue! The paints (which are his words) are there, but his ability to convey the meaning he wants on his canvass is seriously impaired because he is not using one of his most important tools. In the article titled, Common Presentation Errors and How to Correct Them, I cite the one-handed speaker and the no-handed speaker and what can be done to correct these problems. The main thing to remember is that you should get so wrapped up in your audience and your message, that you have no time to become self-conscious. Then your hand and arm movements will flow naturally by themselves. Like your face, your hands and arms will be connected to the words and feelings of your message. Left alone, without conscious control, they will move in harmony with your message and help the audience connect intimately with the meaning of what you are saying. Sometimes, people ask me whether they should practice their gestures in front of a mirror when they are rehearsing a speech. This may work for some people. My recommendation is that you do not practice your gestures. Let them arise spontaneously as you feel the message that your tongue is sounding forth. When you don t need to use your hands, let the hands hang by your side. This will seem unnatural to the novice or inexperienced speaker. But after awhile, you will feel quite at home with it. When you speak with good posture and with your arms hanging straight down your side, it sends an unconscious message to the audience that you are comfortable speaking and that you are in command. When you need your hands and arms for a gesture, they will be right there. After the gesture is complete, simply return the arms to the neutral position. Page 3

One of the best ways to see for yourself how you use your hands and arms is to have yourself videotaped during a presentation. Study your presentation on the videotape. Turn off the volume and look at your gestures. Turn the volume back on and study the congruence between your words and your gestures. See if you have too many gestures or too few gestures. The next time you speak, try to implement the corrections you know you need to make so that your hands and arms speak in harmony with your message instead of against it. Soon, you will have the pleasure of knowing that you are using one your body s most expressive tools to add impact and meaning to your spoken word. Body Movement There is a general rule of thumb for body movement: The longer your speech, the greater is the need for body movement. That is because the audience s eyes can glaze over after having stared at the same spot for a long while. We know that drivers who drive for a long time on a very uninteresting turnpike can get their gaze locked into a type of hypnotic trance where they are unaware of the traffic around them. Listeners can also experience this when confronted with a speaker who drones on and on with no movement and no energy. The listeners will soon not pay attention to what is being said, although they appear to be looking at the speaker! Another reason why body movement adds interest to the speech is that it is a dimension of the speaker s energy. Energy, if not overdone, is attractive. It creates interest. When appropriately done, it adds meaning to the words and the flow of the speech. When you move, move purposefully. Move because you are impelled to move by the meaning of your message. However, too much movement can interfere with your message. One of the best aspects of body movement is that your body becomes a tool at conveying to your audience the flow of your message. As you complete one story or passage and just before you move on to the next point, your body will move to a new position. This sends a message that the audience unconsciously picks up that you are moving to a new part of your speech. Body movement adds energy, variety, and is a set of signals to the audience about the direction of your speech. Watch a master professional speaker on an open stage and you will see how the body is used as an important part of the delivery method for the speech. Don t try to imitate body movements. Don t tell yourself that at certain parts of the speech you are going to do certain things with your body. Just get into the flow of your speech. Focus on the audience and your message. When you are totally wrapped up in that flow, your body will move naturally and add impact to the message. When you get the chance, get an open area from which to speak, and let your body go free. Like gestures, one of the best tools for getting feedback on how you are utilizing body movement is to get your presentations videotaped, and then to study that videotape. As you improve, you will soon tap a new source of speaking power - connecting to your audience with your whole being. Appearance Nothing creates a first impression better than your appearance! Your appearance is what your audience sees about you first. Once that first impression is made, it is difficult to change it, so make it a good first impression. The main rule for a speaker is to dress appropriately for the occasion. I add one more rule to that - dress a little bit better than most of the members of your audience. Why should you do that? When you are dressed appropriately and slightly better than most of the audience, it sends a signal to the audience that they are important to you, that your speaking engagement is valued by you, and that the occasion is of significance to you. As part of your homework, find out what the dress code is for the speaking event. If you have a question about wearing a certain garment or outfit, ask yourself, Am I helping my message or hurting my message by the way I m dressed? When in doubt, don t wear something that could Page 4

hurt you. There are plenty of books and articles on how to dress well. Women should be aware that because they have so many more clothing options than men, they have many more ways to dress inappropriately for an occasion. For professional speakers, it s better to err on the side of being conservative rather than being wild, unless that is part of your performance. Let your appearance be an extension of who you really are, tailored to the speaking occasion, and you can t go wrong. Then you can relax and do what you came to do - give your full attention to the audience and your message, giving value and creating meaning from the use of the spoken word. Use the above six tools effectively and you will truly be an artist of one of man s greatest gifts - the gift to connect with and move an audience. Dilip Abayasekara, Ph.D., Accredited Speaker, is a professional speaker, trainer, and speech coach. His focus, through his training company, Speaker Services Unlimited, is to help people discover their own genius and find their path of fulfillment. Dr. Abayasekara is also an adjunct faculty member of Central Pennsylvania College in Oral Communications and is an adjunct faculty member of Eastern University's School of Professional Studies in the area of Managerial and Interpersonal Communications. He is the author of the book, The Path of the Genie, Your Journey to Your Heart s Desire. In 2005-2006 he served as President of Toastmasters International, the world's leading organization that helps people improve their communication and leadership skills. Dr. Dilip, as he is known to most clients, specializes in private speech coaching. Among his clients have been company presidents, business executives, university professors, scientists, engineers, physicians, elected city officials, members of the clergy, leaders of volunteer organization, and speech contestants. Dr. Dilip Abayasekara PO Box 405, Enola, PA 17025 Ph: 717.728.2203 Email: drdilip@drdilip.com Web Site: www.drdilip.com Page 5