KILLER VOICEMAIL The KILLER VOICEMAIL e-book (by comedian John Carfi and comedy writer Cliff Carle) is both practical and fun. It contains 130+ funny and clever outgoing messages for your cell phone or phone service answering device. Amuse your friends when they call and you're not available or just not in the mood to talk. For ease of use and to find the perfect message for you, the book is divided into nine categorical chapters. It is available online at Amazon and Barnes&Noble for the killer price of only $3.99. INTRODUCTION These days everybody has voicemail. Some people even have voicemail for their pet: Scruffy isn't in his doghouse right now, he's out chasing cars. But if you have a bone to pick with him, bark a message at the tone... BEEP Thing is, most outgoing messages are flat out boring: It's me. Leave a message. Bye now... BEEP C'mon, you can do better than that! Voicemail is not just a means of identifying yourself and prompting a response, it's also an entertainment medium. There's enough blandness and boredom in the world without you adding to it. It's time to express your inner comic and treat your callers to a good laugh. SUGGESTIONS FOR A BETTER VM EXPERIENCE: We've used the designation NAME where you (we hope obviously) say your own name. Most messages will work for either a male or female by simply switching the gender of the pronouns; e.g., "he" to "she" (hermaphrodites: ignore this instruction.) If you want, you can leave out your name. After all, your friends probably have you on one-touch speed dial. They know who they're calling. Same with the generic line, "Leave your name, number, and a message at the sound of the tone." After all, voicemail has been around a long time and only aborigines and people who've been in twenty-year comas don't know the drill. If you purchased this book in America, you live in a free country. By all means edit or personalize to your heart's content. We had a word with the Voicemail Police, and they've assured us they won't come knocking on your door with a warrant for "message tampering". Above all else and this is what Killer Voicemail is all about HAVE FUN & SPREAD THE LAUGHTER! Chapter 1 - TRICKSTERS (For Those Who Can Give A Joke) Chapter 2 - BUSINESS BUFFOONERY (Dictation Was Never So Much Fun) Chapter 3 - VOCAL FUN (Let Your Inner Comic Out) TABLE OF CONTENTS
Chapter 4 - JOKE'S ON YOU (Take One On The Chin For Fun's Sake) Chapter 5 - TRENDY TEEN (Radical Lines For Young Minds) Chapter 6 - RELIGIOUS REVELRY (Don't Worry, You Won't Go To You-Know-Where) Chapter 7 - PHONE FAME (Make Your Phone A Star) Chapter 8 - HOLIDAY CHEER (A Festive Fun-For-All) Chapter 9 - PHONEY SEX (Only If You Dare) SAMPLE CHAPTER: Chapter 1 TRICKSTERS (For Those Who Can Give A Joke) MIRANDA-MAIL (COP VOICE DEEP AND SERIOUS) This is Officer NAME. You have the right to remain silent. If you speak, the message you leave may be used to call you back. If you do not have a message, the court will appoint you one... BEEP I C U Do you believe in psychic powers? Cuz I know exactly why you called I just stepped into the shower... BEEP WHERE AM I? (ROD SERLING TYPE VOICE) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time... Where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead this is no ordinary voicemail You have reached The Twilight Phone... BEEP SELFISH HYPNOSIS [OPTION: EERIE MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND] (DEEP MESMERIZING VOICE)
Your eyelids are getting heavy You're entering a d-e-e-e-p sleep Thinking of nothing but the sound of my voice. Tonight at midnight, you will get up and write me a check for $1000. You will mail it to me in the morning, on your way to work. When you hear the beep, you'll awaken and remember nothing... BEEP WHAT'S TODAY? [OPTION: LIGHT CHAMBER MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND] Hello. You are listening to today's message. If you want to hear yesterday's message... Just call back tomorrow... BEEP WE HAVE A WINNER Congratulations caller! Someone you know has nominated you for "Sucker Of The Year." In order to win, at the tone, just leave your name... And one of your credit card numbers... BEEP SECRETIVE AGENT You are listening to the telecom cell device of Agent [YOUR PHONE NUMBER]. To send communication, wait for the signal... Then leave your current identifier, telecom coordinates, optimal communication time... And any un-coded communiqués. Over and out... BEEP SAY THAT AGAIN? Sorry I'm not in, I went over to Echo Canyon Sorry I'm not in, I went over to Echo Canyon... BEEP KEEP COOL Hi. This is NAME's refrigerator. Her phone isn't working right now and I'm trying to fill in. So When I open my door And the light goes on Leave a message. (CONFUSED) Uh, is that how it works???... BEEP LEAVE IT OR TAKE IT Yeah, yeah, I know, you've reached a lousy voicemail. But at least it's better than a maid who speaks no English... BEEP SAFE HOUSE This is NAME. I'm on vacation and (PAUSE SLIGHT PANIC) Oh shoot! If I'm not mistaken, I think I took off and forgot to lock my house!!! (PAUSE SIGH OF RELIEF)
But, then again, I also forgot to feed my Dobermans... BEEP FACE FACTS Hi. Here's what just happened after you dialed my number: You put your cell phone next to your face... My phone rang... So I guess we could say "Your face rings a bell!" But I can't think of your name so leave it at the tone... BEEP MISSING PERSON Yes, I miss you Yes, I wish you were here Yes, I have many things to say you so many things to share... Whoever the heck you are... BEEP TESTING THE SYSTEM Stay calm and don't panic. In 15 seconds there'll be a short oral exam. Here's a few quick study tips: start with your name, number, and reason for calling. However, since you've obviously already paid the 25 cent exam fee... Feel free to flunk by hanging up. But, then you'll never find out if you really passed... BEEP SPORTS NUT This is NAME with a little sports quiz: How many miles in the Indy 500? What sport do you use your foot to punt a ball? And finally, how many seconds does a boxer have to get up during a 10 count? If you had to think about any of the answers... You must be calling my wife... BEEP UN-WANTED Hey! I was expecting your call! That's why I have my cell phone on voicemail. That's also why I'm not picking up... BEEP WHERE ARE YOU? (RELIEVED) Oh, thank goodness you finally called! I've been trying to reach you all day... But I lost your number. So leave it at the tone, and I'll call you right back... BEEP BACK ASSWARDS (GROGGY)
At the sound of the message... Please leave a tone... Uh... is that right?... BEEP HOME NO MO I used to be home more. But now I'm home less... Because I have an incredibly busy social life... Which, by the way, is costing me a fortune. So at the tone, leave a message, and if you can afford it... Please send money to the home less... BEEP GENIUS AT WORK (MECHANICAL VOICE) Hello. You have reached a species of higher intelligence... Otherwise known as voicemail. We are here to annoy you and make you hang up. But if our mission has failed, leave your message at the... BEEP MAKE MY DAY Did you ever have one of those days when absolutely everything went your way? I mean, a day when the birds were singing outside your window when you woke up... And all the traffic was going the opposite direction when you hit the expressway? A day when your boss actually gave you credit for your work... And the bagels from the deli were fresh? A day when you dialed a number, wanting to speak to that special person... And there they were just waiting to talk to you? Did you ever have one of those days? I hope so cuz this ain't it... BEEP ANALYZE THIS Hello, it's me. If you're who I think you are, leave a message. If you aren't who I think you are, leave a message anyway. If I'm not who you think I am, no matter leave a message. If you aren't who you think you are, don't leave a message... Go get professional help... BEEP
ABOUT THE AUTHORS Comedian John Carfi has been delighting audiences for many years with his quick wit and hilarious comedy performances. He has appeared on numerous television programs including Entertainment Tonight, Comedy Central, HBO, and many others. John also hosted his own morning radio shows on Rock stations WZZO and WPMR, and Country WDLS. He performs his comedy in front of thousands of people each week in hotel concert halls, comedy clubs, and casinos nationwide. John, along with Cliff, is also the author of seven comedy books including two best sellers. For more comprehensive info: www.johncarfi.com & Author and editor, Cliff Carle, knew he was going to be a writer in first grade when he got an A in penmanship. He later moved to L.A. to perform stand-up comedy at The Improv and The Comedy Store. To support his humor habit, over the next four years he wrote material for other comedians, including Joan Rivers. In 1983, Cliff and John founded CCC Publications, a publishing company that released 200 titles and launched the careers of many humor writers. Cliff currently owns an editorial and consulting business. For more comprehensive info: www.cliffcarle.com