RED By Kelly Meadows Copyright 2015 by Kelly Meadows, All rights reserved. Heuer Publishing LLC in association with Brooklyn Publishers, LLC ISBN: 978-1-60003-819-8 CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that this Work is subject to a royalty. This Work is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, whether through bilateral or multilateral treaties or otherwise, and including, but not limited to, all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention, the Universal Copyright Convention and the Berne Convention. RIGHTS RESERVED: All rights to this Work are strictly reserved, including professional and amateur stage performance rights. Also reserved are: motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound recording, all forms of mechanical or electronic reproduction, such as CD-ROM, CD-I, DVD, information and storage retrieval systems and photocopying, and the rights of translation into non-english languages. PERFORMANCE RIGHTS AND ROYALTY PAYMENTS: All amateur and stock performance rights to this Work are controlled exclusively by Heuer Publishing LLC. No amateur or stock production groups or individuals may perform this play without securing license and royalty arrangements in advance from Heuer Publishing LLC. Questions concerning other rights should be addressed to Heuer Publishing LLC. Royalty fees are subject to change without notice. Professional and stock fees will be set upon application in accordance with your producing circumstances. Any licensing requests and inquiries relating to amateur and stock (professional) performance rights should be addressed to Heuer Publishing LLC. Royalty of the required amount must be paid, whether the play is presented for charity or profit and whether or not admission is charged. AUTHOR CREDIT: All groups or individuals receiving permission to produce this Work must give the author(s) credit in any and all advertisement and publicity relating to the production of this Work. The author s billing must appear directly below the title on a separate line where no other written matter appears. The name of the author(s) must be at least 50% as large as the title of the Work. No person or entity may receive larger or more prominent credit than that which is given to the author(s). PUBLISHER CREDIT: Whenever this Work is produced, all programs, advertisements, flyers or other printed material must include the following notice: Produced by special arrangement with Heuer Publishing LLC. COPYING: Any unauthorized copying of this Work or excerpts from this Work is strictly forbidden by law. No part of this Work may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form, by any means now known or yet to be invented, including photocopying or scanning, without prior permission from Heuer Publishing LLC. HEUER PUBLISHING LLC P.O. BOX 248 CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA 52406 TOLL FREE (800) 950-7529 FAX (319) 368-8011
2 RED RED A Ten Minute Comedic Monologue By Kelly Meadows SYNOPSIS: Happy Valentine s Day or is it? A young man finds himself intertwined in not only one serious relationship, but two. Can our bumbling romantic please his combative and competitive girlfriends? How can you go wrong with a stuffed red dog and a box of chocolates? Just wait and see, as this Valentine s Day has everyone seeing Red. CAST OF CHARACTERS (1 male) MALE MONOLOGUE (m)... High school aged, or older looking back.
KELLY MEADOWS 3 MALE: Red. Rhymes with dread, dead, or idiot, use your head! Valentine s Day was coming up and I was looking to get the perfect gift. There were two things I learned that year. One was don t lie to a girl about whether or not you re seeing another, and the other was don t lie to a girl about whether or not you re seeing another. I also learned that you don t get to decide what seeing another means. We re talking high school here, so the words serious relationship have an entirely different meaning than they do in real life. In real life it means we have a vested interest in each other and are building a future together. In 9 th through 12 th grade, it means we spoke in the hall when people were watching. (Smile, while also conveying a growing frustrated agony.) And, I posted it on social media so now it s true forever and ever In this case, I was in a coffee shop. Me and Leeanna. (Wistful.) Closing time. (Imitating a barista, stern.) Everybody get out! (As himself, Upbeat.) And don t forget to recycle! I d only had six cups of cappuccino, so we walked for two blocks to a coffee shop with later hours, by which time she was convinced we were going steady and had been for weeks. I went wrong by doing what every person says they want in a relationship until they get it telling the truth. I have a date with Lourianna tomorrow. She wasn t impressed. (As Leeanna, a little eerie with spooky eyes.) Cancel it! (Looks at Leeanna with a sideways glance, then talk to the audience.) It was for the same coffee house we had just left. Actually it wasn t a date. It was coffee and homework. We were learning the digestive tract, and right now mine was being derailed. (As Leeanna, a little more desperate.) Cancel it, Jethro! Please. (As himself.) Then I got a text, although she was standing right next to me. (Reading.) Cancel it. (Creeped out.) So I canceled it. (After a short pause, sheepish.) But I didn t. (As Leeanna, now totally distraught.) You said you d cancel it but you didn t!
4 RED So just before Valentine s Day, I was seeing red. Lots of red, lots of dread, lots of not using my idiot head. I met Lourianna to study the stomach and both the large and small intestine how romantic but suspiciously, Leeanna came in about the same time. (Emotional.) Jethro, why are you with her at our spot? (Really stern, like a voice from another world.) I told you to CANCEL IT! (Responding.) You bullied me into it. (Childish.) You re not the boss of me! (As Leeanna.) We need to have a talk. (A little scared, assuming she s crazy and out of control, using hands to hold her off.) No, I think we should probably never have a talk. Ever. Again. Ever. Lourianna was calm, and she told me later that Leeanna had done this several times before. She tended to believe she was going steady a lot more than her boyfriends did. Plus their names were so similar, I could barely remember who was who. And apparently they were best friends as long as I wasn t in the room. I went from The guy who couldn t get a date to the guy who couldn t get out of one, practically overnight. Valentine s Day was about to wreak its annual horror upon us all, and I could feel its sledgehammer of destruction swinging towards me like a pendulum in a Gothic novel. Not sure how I could afford those perfect gifts, but everyone was watching romantic TV shows, and the corresponding commercials equating love with money were very, very effective. (As a commercial announcer.) Nothing looks more striking on a young man s physique than a fat, fat wallet. At this special time of year, you need that special gift for that special someone at that special price. (Ominous.) Don t let what happened last year happen this year! (Scared.) What happened last year? (As the TV.) You got her something cheap and worthless! Remember, love is not so elusive that it can t be bought. (As himself.) There are two things every girl likes, said the man on TV. (We find out he bought one of these for each.) So Leeanna got a big red stuffed dog, and Lourianna got chocolate and that s why I m single.
KELLY MEADOWS 5 Leeanna went first. (With disdain and perhaps prefaced by a condescending sigh.) A red dog. How imaginative. What did you do, go to Walgreens and pull off the first thing you saw? (In response.) No, that would have been toilet paper. Next it was Lourianna. (Angry and hurt.) Chocolate? You re trying to fatten me up so you can feel better about going out with Leeanna. I won t be fat-shamed by a feeder! So, I switched gifts. Here, Lourianna, I thought you might like this better. (As Lourianna, with a big smile.) A red dog? I LOVE dogs! (Notices something and drops the smile.) Wait, why is there a chocolate spot on it? (Sheepish smile again, and moving on.) Here, Leeanna, something tasty! (As Leeanna, with the same reaction as Lourianna just had.) Chocolate? I LOVE chocolate! (Suspicious, loses the smile.) Wait, why is there one missing? (Trying to weasel out of it.) Well, life is like a box of chocolates. And my best year is missing. If you don t like it you can dump me. (As Leeanna.) I ll dump you, but not the chocolate. It lasts longer and is infinitely more mysterious on the inside. (Pantomime Leeanna eating a piece and falling in love with it, then snap back into Jethro.) I d had enough. Just give it back and I ll give it to my mother. Leeanna was not having it. I guess I should have backed off when I saw her wearing that cancel it t-shirt. (Accusatory, as Leeanna, still chewing.) How many girls have you given this to? (As himself.) How many pieces are missing? (As Leeanna, pantomime dumping them on the floor.) All of them, now.
6 RED Turning on the TV on February 15 th was like Love Pollution Central. After Christmas, New Years, and Valentine s Day, you d think the purchase party would be over, but now it was time to tally up our regret. (As a TV.) Were you vexed over Valentine s? Still trying to make up for that Christmas gift that went awry? Is she seeing red while you re feeling blue? With our half off sale, you can get two valentines for the price of one! Next year, she ll say hold off until the 15 th because I want more! If your girlfriend is unreasonable or thankless or you re just a thoughtless cad our half off sale makes you twice the man on the 15 th than you were on the 14 th. The Valentine s two-for-one was a big red dog with a red box of chocolates that was now tied around its neck with a big red bow. (Pause.) The chocolate was delish, and I sleep with the dog. I stopped drinking coffee. It was bad for my health, whether I drank it or not. Lourianna or Leeanna, can t remember who or perhaps it was both at the same time gave me the last remaining pieces of their minds over a red velvet latte. They were BFF s, remember. You re going to grow up old and lonely and wishing you hadn t re-gifted a toothmarked box of chocolates and a stained stuffed puppy. You re going to grow up wishing that you had treated at least one of us with kindness and compassion. Which one? I asked, and then I ran away. I had to. My mother was mad that I had so badly treated not just one girl, but two, in the same week. My father was proud that I had two girls duking it out. (As father.) When I was in high school all the cheerleaders wanted to go out with me. It was rough. It was tough. I said hold on girls, (Point at yourself with both thumbs.) there s enough! Mom and dad haven t spoken in weeks. (Really confused.) Funny thing is, I don t remember ever having had a date. THE END
KELLY MEADOWS 7 NOTES
8 RED NOTES