The Philosophy of Friendship
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The Philosophy of Friendship Mark Vernon
Mark Vernon 2005 Softcover reprint of the hardcover 1st edition 2005 978-1-4039-4874-8 All rights reserved. No reproduction, copy or transmission of this publication may be made without written permission. No paragraph of this publication may be reproduced, copied or transmitted save with written permission or in accordance with the provisions of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988, or under the terms of any licence permitting limited copying issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency, 90 Tottenham Court Road, London W1T 4LP. Any person who does any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages. The author has asserted his right to be identified as the author of this work in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. First published 2005 by PALGRAVE MACMILLAN Houndmills, Basingstoke, Hampshire RG21 6XS and 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010 Companies and representatives throughout the world PALGRAVE MACMILLAN is the global academic imprint of the Palgrave Macmillan division of St. Martin s Press, LLC and of Palgrave Macmillan Ltd. Macmillan is a registered trademark in the United States, United Kingdom and other countries. Palgrave is a registered trademark in the European Union and other countries. ISBN 978-0-230-51714-1 ISBN 978-0-230-20411-9 (ebook) DOI 10.1057/9780230204119 This book is printed on paper suitable for recycling and made from fully managed and sustained forest sources. A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Vernon, Mark, 1966 The philosophy of friendship / Mark Vernon. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references and index. 1. Friendship. I. Title. BJ1533.F8V47 2005 77.62 dc21 2005046345 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 14 13 12 11 10 09 08 07 06 05
In memory of Susan Frances Vernon
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Contents Acknowledgements ix Introduction: the Ambiguity of Friendship 1 1. Friends at Work 11 On being useful 12 On not being used 14 On winning friends, not merely influencing people 16 The ultimate test: befriending bosses 19 The social dimension: commercial culture and the challenge to friendship 22 Realpolitik 24 Utility spreads 26 2. Friends and Lovers 29 Sex and friendship 31 Similarities and difference 33 Immortal longings: a theory of love and friendship 35 Platonic friendship 39 Practicalities 41 Better than sex? 44 Getting with friends 48 3. Faking It 50 Truth hurts 55 Another self 59 Other ways of honesty? 63 Solitude 66 Ending friendship 68 4. Unconditional Love 72 From loss of faith to rejection 75 Christian secularism 79 In ethical no-man s-land 81 Reaffirming friendship 84 Against atomism and absolutes 88 Trust in friendship 91 vii
viii Contents 5. Civic Friendship 93 Tyrant slayers 96 Garden friendship 101 The end of an age 102 Public kisses 107 Sworn brothers 112 The piety of friendship 114 6. Politics of Friendship 119 Suffragette city 120 Political weight 124 Right relationship 127 What are gay men for? 128 Lads, blokes and metrosexuals 130 Queer lives 133 Sociological evidence 137 Friendship in other relationships 139 The return of trust and civic friendship? 140 7. The Spirituality of Friendship 145 Timing and exceptionality 147 Telling it slant 150 Mere friendship 152 To do without it 154 Conclusion: Philosophy and Friendship 160 Further Reading and References 165 Appendix: Plato and Aristotle on Friendship 170 Index 177
Acknowledgements This book is in part a product of friendships, amongst whom I think of Denise Inge, Craig Mackenzie, Jeremy Carrette, Guy Reid, Chris Biddle, Paul Fletcher, John Inge, Angie Hobbs and Richard Jenkins. I must thank other individuals who have read various chapters and drafts, notably Michael Savage, James Davidson and particularly Lisa Mackenzie. Great thanks also goes to those who signed me up and then steered the book through at Palgrave, especially Luciana O Flaherty, Dan Bunyard and Lisa Dunn, and also to my copy-editor, Peter Andrews. Underpinning all is the love and friendship of Nick. ix