WORKAHOLICS "DUDES WALK TO WORK" Written by Keith Saltojanes Based on, Workaholics. Los Angeles, CA www.keithsaltojanes.com
COLD OPEN FADE IN: INT. GUYS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY,, and are running in and out of the room trying to get ready for work. Guys, hurry up or we're going to be late for work. I m going as fast as I can. Have you guys seen my pants? Let s go, let s go! Grabbin my shoes We ve been late 19 times this month and if Alice catches us being late for a 20th time, there s a chance she ll fire us. Goddammit! We re trying! Seriously where are my pants. / You re wearing them! Oh yeah. They head outside. EXT. GUYS HOUSE - DRIVEWAY - DAY Whose turn is it to drive? That d be me.
2. Anders tosses Blake the keys, as he tries to do a cool 80scop slide over the hood of the car. He falls on the ground. Blake gets up. I m calling shotgun. Guys, my pants ripped. I gotta go change. We don t have time! Let s just get to work and we ll figure it out there. They are all in the car, close the doors. LET S RIDE!! Blake turns the key but the car doesn t start. Still nothing. (CONT D) Let s ride! (CONT D) I said let s a-ride. It won t start. Are you kidding me. No kid. It s dead. Let s...ride... END OF COLD OPEN
3. ACT ONE FADE IN: EXT. GUYS HOUSE - DRIVEWAY - CONTINUOUS Blake, Adam, and Anders are standing outside the car. I just can t believe you didn t fill up the tank last night. Dude, nothing ruins the mood with a lady more than stopping at a gas station. You dropped her off at home, it s not like she came back here with you. You could have filled up after. Yeah dude, I mean ruins my mood. I was horny and needed to jerk it when I came home. Adam and Blake laugh and high five. Well now how are we supposed to get to work on time? Can we just call the office and explain what happened? Yeah, Alice will understand. No way. When we were hired they specifically asked us if we had reliable transportation to and from work everyday. That is a promise I m not going back on. What about the bus?
4. Yeah, the bus is cool. Let someone else do the driving for ya! Sure, you guys know the bus schedule? And where to get on and off? No. (ashamed) This city s public transportation is way beyond anything the three of us can comprehend with a limited amount of time on our hands. Maybe we tackle that beast a different day, but not in this situation. That s what yo Momma said when she had sex with me; tackling that beast. Ders punches Adam in the arm. Now is NOT the time for ya Mama jokes. I think we have only one option here. We have to walk. No freaking way am I walking to work. Who walks to work?! Adam, people do it all the time. Yeah, in the 1800s! I m in. It d be like a spiritual journey. Though I m happy you are agreeing with me, Blake, it won t be a spiritual journey; it's just walking to work.
5. I m not walking. Well it s two against one, so you lose. My phone s GPS says it's two miles away, that s nothing. I m going to meet my spiritual animal. It s NOT a spiritual journey. It will be with some of this! He holds up a bag of mushrooms. What s that? It s mushrooms covered in peyote dust. The perfect combination for a spiritual walkabout. Who wants some? Me. Absolutely. Yes. No. Getting stoned before work is just as bad as getting there late. Um, yeah Blake, that s what I meant. I absolutely yes DON'T want any delicious mind altering drugs. Fine, more for me. He dumps the whole bag in his mouth. You sure you should eat all of that? Yeah man, it s organic. It s fine.
6. Great, Let s ride!! EXT. STREET SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS Anders and Adam are walking in front and Blake is behind them, starting to feel the effects of the drugs. They both laugh. Man, when are we going to get there? We ve been walking forever. We ve literally only been walking for 5 minutes. We haven t even passed The Wendy s you usually walk to when you re drunk. Hey Ders? Which has better fries, Wendy s or McDonalds? Wendy s obviously. Why? Well maybe you like when deez-nuts are in your face! Ohhh! Nice one. Deez-Nuts jokes are much better than Yo-Mama jokes. Speaking of, what s that letter that comes after C but before E? Uh, I don t know, D? Deez-nuts! Which is better, cassettes or CDs? Um, I m not sure. Maybe CDs? Yeah, when you see deez-nuts!
7. Oh, that reminds me, have you seen bofa? Bofa who? (CONT D) Bofa deez-nuts! They laugh and high five even more. Sorry guys, but your childish game is bringing me down, I'm going to tune you out by listening to some LCD Soundsystem, then I can have a spiritual experience. Man, you re not going to... I m cutting off one of my senses. Just like Matt Murdock. Who? Daredevil man. He lost his sight in a crazy accident and then he gained powers in other ways. And also, Murdock deez-nuts! That one kinda didn t make sense. Blake puts his headphones on. Yeah it did! Maybe if you said. He was Blind. Oh... / BLIND DEEZ-NUTS!
8. Oh hey, what s the name of that 1986 movie that takes place in the Australian Outback? I have no idea. Yeah, that one stars Paul Hogan. Not paying attention, Blake walks down a different alley, away from the guys. Who? Crocodile Dundee man! Crocodile Dund-deez-nuts! That one was a bit confusing. Confusing deez-nuts! They continue walking. END OF ACT ONE
9. ACT TWO EXT. STREET SIDEWALK - LATER Adam and Anders are still walking down the street. Adam is still pumped about his Nuts jokes. I m just saying I like girls that have a pair of double Ds- Yeah yeah, double deez-nuts, we get it. Enough already. Enough alread-deez-nuts! Stop it. OK, fine maybe we can listen to some music. Maybe some oldies? Yeah, old-dezz-nuts. OK. Dude, I think we re lost. Uh I m Ders, I always have to be perfect cuz I m OCD. OCD-deez-nuts. You already did one like that. Seriously man, I think we took a wrong turn somewhere. Man, don t be so cold. We have to figure out where we went wrong. We cannot be late! Let s head back this way. (under his breathe) Cold-deez-nuts. Adam let s go. You too Blake.
10. OK, but let s stop for some Claritin D... Claritin deez-nuts. Saw that coming a mile away. Adam and Anders continue walking, not realizing Blake is not with them anymore. EXT. DESERT - DAY Close up on Blake walking, and we only hear the music he hears on his headphones. Zoom out to reveal Blake has wandered off into the desert. It is hot and we only hear silence. (singing) Yeah yeah, I don t need no attorney, cuz I m going to have a spiritual journey. Yeah yeah. (talking) Man, it is hot on this city street. He rips his pants the rest of the way, and puts them over his head... CUT BACK TO S POV: His is high and everything has vibrant colors, and we hear the music he hears. A vulture lands in front of Blake. (CONT D) Oh hello creature of the sky. You must be my spirit animal to help me along my journey. VULTURE (V.O.) CAWW! No, Blake, I m not your spirit animal. But you must keep going to find him! CAWW! Will do sacred bird of prey. He continues to walk. CUT BACK TO REALITY: Heat and silence as we see more vultures circling overhead, just waiting for Blake to die.
11. EXT. STREET SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS Anders and Adam are still trying to find their way. Adam will not give up the deez-nuts game. OK, this street sort of looks familiar. I think we came from this way. Oh I think we re close to the office of Dr. Rubdy? Dr. Rub-deez-nuts. Adam, please stop. Come on dude, you re making this so not fun for me! Adam, we re lost. And if we don t get to work on time all of us are going to be fired. You know how hard it is to find a job in this market? Very. So we have to get to work, and on time, and your jokes aren t helping. Fired-deez-nuts! Seriously, enough with the deeznuts jokes! They aren t funny anymore! OK, OK, game over. We ll just talk about something else. Good. You like sports, Ders? You know I only watch sports entertainment.
12. / Pro wrestling! How do you feel about baseball. It s sort-of boring. OK, that s fair. Well who do you think will go to the World Series this year, the Yankees or The Phillies? I don t have any idea, I don t follow baseball at all. Well if you were to guess, would you say Yankees or Phillies. I don t know man. Just guess! OK, the Yankees? YANK ON DEEZ-NUTS! Anders starts flailing at Adam, until he gets him in a headlock. You gonna stop? Yes yes, I ll stop! Anders releases the hold. I also could have said Phil-a-DEEZ NUTS! Anders chases after him.
13. EXT. DESERT - CONTINUOUS Black continues to wander through the desert, completely stoned. CUT TO S POV: We see psychedelic colors and hear his music playing from his headphones. (singing) I don t need to stop to smell the roses, because I m on a spiritual journey through the desert like Moses. Blake sees a scorpion upon a rock. (CONT D) Ah yes, fair insect of the animal kingdom, YOU must be my guide sent from the spirits above. SCORPION (V.O.) HISS! Blake, you are getting closer my brother. But you must continue with your journey to find your true spirit guide. HISS! 10-4 little buddy. Blake goes to pet the scorpion. CUT TO REALITY: We see what s actually happening, music stops. The scorpion sings him in the hand with its tail. Ow! (CONT D) CUT TO S POV: Close up on Blake s face as he gets even higher from the scorpion poison. Music plays again. EXT. STREET SIDEWALK - CONTINUOUS Anders and Adam are still lost. Adam is trying not to play the deez-nuts game, but can t help it.
14. No, we already walked this way too! Why does this entire town all look identical?! Maybe you just need to Ident-i-call- deez- Don t you dare say nuts. Don t, You. Dare. OK, I wasn t. Geez. Good. Now why don t you start helping instead of me having to do all the work alone? Fine, I will. But only because I want to. Good. Good. Did we already pass the popular seafood chain Captain D s? I TOLD YOU TO STOP WITH THE DEEZ- NUTS JOKES! No, dude, look. Zoom out to reveal they are actually standing in front of a Captain D s restaurant. Oh. I don t think we ve passed this yet. Great. They continue to walk. (CONT D) Did we already walk by the law offices of George Lickey?
15. Oh what, Lickey deez-nuts?! No, his actual office. Reveal they are standing in front of an office called that. Oh. No, but we usually pass this when we drive to work, so we must be on the right track. Rad. They keep walking. (CONT D) Hey, is that a billboard for the classic film starring David Duchovny called House of D? Stop trying to set-up- Adam points to the billboard, which is real. (CONT D) Oh, sorry. Oh look, Deez-nuts. WHAT! Anders goes to hit Adam who cowers and points to an ad in a nearby window for a snack called Deez-Nuts. (CONT D) Oh, sorry Adam. I just got so used to you trying to fit Deez-Nuts jokes in everything you said, I m just expecting them now. No worries, brah. All good brah? All good, brah.
16. Cool brah. Well let s keep- Fit deez-nuts in your mouth! Adam runs ahead and an angry Anders follows him. EXT. DESERT - CONTINUOUS S POV: Blake is even more stoned as he walks through the desert. Vultures fly overhead; vibrant colors and music. (singing) Come on let me hear it, I m on a journey of the spirit. CUT TO REALITY: Wind starts to blow a little bit and kicks up some sand. (CONT D) (singing) I m in the desert and it s the best. I know it s not dessert because it s spelled with one s. More wind blows and more sand hits him. He covers his face with his pants. I- (CONT D) (singing) A huge sandstorm starts. He hunkers down. CUT TO S POV: From the cloud of wind and sand a approaches. Blake... Hello? Blake...I am your spirit guide. Awesome. But wait, you re not an animal.
17. Sure I am. Humans are animals too. But I was expecting a coyote or a bear or at least a snake. Humans are the greatest animal of all time. We ride the top of the food chain. OK, whatever. What s up spirit guide? Now it seems like you don t want to talk to me. No no, I do, just go ahead. OK...Blake you are more powerful then you ever realized. I am? Yes, look how you traveled into the desert on your own, without the help of your friends. Yeah, you re right. Sometimes I feel they hold you back. You are destined for greater things than working at TelAmeriCorp and always having to fix Adam s and Ander s problems. You know, I always thought I was. Yes, just listen to me. Anything you say Spirit Guide.
18. Just close your eyes... Closing my eyes... And let go of everything... Letting go of everything... And leave this World... Leaving this... CUT TO REALITY: The sandstorm is passing and Blake is talking to a dead, skeletal body in the middle of the hot desert. World. (CONT D) Blake passes out. Wide shot of Blake laying lifeless next to a skeleton. EXT. SKIDROW - CONTINUOUS Anders catches up with Adam who are both now in Skid Row. Whoa. Dude, we are so lost. They keep walking past tents, garbage, and homeless people shouting. HOMELESS MAN 1 Man, this is my cardboard box, get your own! HOMELESS MAN 2 No way, I pissed on it first. HOMELESS MAN 3 Got any change to give me for free?
19. HOMELESS MAN 4 Can I interest you in some used hair? I grew it myself. OK, we have to find our way out of here and get to work so we don t get fired. Fired-deez- Don t. EXT. DESERT - CONTINUOUS Blake is still lifeless in the desert. We hear only wind. CUT TO S POV: Music plays over the dreamlike scene. That s it Blake. You are with the spirits now. You need nothing from this World anymore. Do you feel the power? I feel the power! You are getting stronger, and faster, and more connected. Yes... More aware of universal truths. YES... You are becoming- Matt Murdock! Blake transforms into Daredevil, and it looks awesome.
20. HARD CUT TO REALITY: His lifeless body in the desert, silence. A HIKER walks up to discover his body. HIKER 1 Hey, come look at this! Another HIKER runs up. HIKER 2 Is he still alive? HIKER 1 I think so. HIKER 2 We have to get him some help, he looks terrible. HIKER 1 I ll call 911. HIKER 2 Why are his pants on his head? END OF ACT TWO
21. ACT THREE EXT. DESERT - CONTINUOUS The hikers are standing over an unconscious Blake. Hiker 1 is on the phone with emergency services. HIKER 1 Yes, I think he s still breathing... I don't know we just found him here...i don t know why anyone would be alone in the middle of the desert either. BACK TO S POV: Everything is psychedelic and wonderful. Music plays. Blake still looks like Daredevil. Yes, Blake! You are becoming what you ve always meant to be! A superhero! You need no one but your quick wit and heightened senses. Yeah! Not even Anders and Adam! Ders? Adam? But they are my friends. You are not in the NEED for friends anymore. Hmm. EXT. SKIDROW - CONTINUOUS Anders and Adam are cautiously wandering through Skid Row, passing more garbage and tents.
22. Ders, I don t like the look of this place. Me either Adam. Our only remedy is to get out of here. Reme-deez-nuts. Well played. I actually set you up pretty good. HOBO JIM jumps out in front of them. Adam screams like a little girl. HOBO JIM Hey, where you two going? I ve never seen you guys around here before. Sorry sir, we don t have any change. HOBO JIM I don t want any change, I just want to know what time it is. Adam looks at his watch. It s 8:45, and we re going to be late for work. HOBO JIM 8:45 already. Oh man. Now if you ll excuse us. Hobo Jim stands in their path to stop them. HOBO JIM No need to run off before the dragons arrive. Dragons?
23. HOBO JIM Yes, the dragons who are gonna eat your soul and use their fingertips to feel your buttholes. I don t want a dragon to feel my butthole. Ignore him. Sorry sir, but we have to get going. Hobo Jim physically stops them. HOBO JIM I said you aren t going anywhere! Not until the dragons finger your buttholes! Ahhh! We have to find our way out of here! EXT. DESERT - CONTINUOUS Blake, as Daredevil, is talking to the Tribesman. You have to forget about your friends, Blake. You are more powerful without them. But I do everything with Ders and Adam. You are meant to save the World, they will only hold you back! Like how Anders kept telling you you weren t going to have a spiritual journey. You are aren t you? Yeah, but he was just trying to get us to work so we wouldn t get fired.
24. You ll not need a job, if you only let go! Let go...let go...no! YOU HAVE TO! I DON T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING! I M DAREDEVIL! He stabs the Tribesman with his Daredevil cane. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! I LOVE MY FRIENDS AND WE HAVE TO GET TO WORK! They both scream. Blake s words start to come out of the Tribesman s mouth. / Adam, Ders, can you hear me? EXT. SKIDROW - CONTINUOUS Hobo Jim has cornered Anders and Adam. But he is stopped by an outside force; Blake using him as a channel to communicate with his friends. HOBO JIM Adam, Ders, can you hear me? I m Adam, yes? EXT. DESERT - CONTINUOUS Blake is talking through the Tribesman. / Dudes, you are- EXT. SKIDROW - CONTINUOUS Hobo Jim talking via Blake.
25. HOBO JIM -lost. We have to find our way to work on time or- EXT. DESERT - CONTINUOUS Blake is talking through the Tribesman. / We ll all be fired. EXT. SKIDROW - CONTINUOUS Hobo Jim talking via Blake. Anders hits Adam. Yes. That s what we re trying to do! But we took a wrong turn. HOBO JIM How easily you forget how all this started. What do you mean? The car was out of gas thanks to Adam. I told you, the mood would be ruined! HOBO JIM Not the car, but the GPS. What? HOBO JIM The GPS! You have- EXT. DESERT - CONTINUOUS Blake is talking through the Tribesman. / -a GPS on your phone. That's how you knew-
26. EXT. SKIDROW - CONTINUOUS Hobo Jim talking via Blake. HOBO JIM -how far the walk was. Use that- EXT. DESERT - CONTINUOUS Blake is talking through the Tribesman. / -GPS to find your way to the office now! USE THE- EXT. SKIDROW - CONTINUOUS Hobo Jim talking via Blake. -GPS! HOBO JIM The GPS! Of course! I forgot all about my phone s GPS. He takes out his phone. Anders runs ahead. (CONT D) We re right around the corner from the office. Let s go! Thank you sir for not fingering my butthole. Hobo Jim comes out of his trance. HOBO JIM It wasn t going to be me, it was the dragons. Hey, drag-on deez-nuts dude! Adam laughs and goes to meet up with Anders and away from Hobo Jim and Skid Row.
27. EXT. DESERT - CONTINUOUS Blake releases his hold on the Tribesman, who collapses. We had such high hopes for you, Blake. But you left it all behind. Isn t this what you wanted? I wanted a spiritual journey, but if it means leaving my friends behind than no thank you brah. Well then this is goodbye, brah. CUT TO REALITY: The Hikers are around Blake s almost-dead body, as an emergency helicopter gurney lowers into the frame. They place Blake into the gurney and it starts to carry him a way. CUT TO S POV: Blake is standing above the Tribesman (CONT D) I m sorry you couldn't join us in your higher purpose. Goodbye Blake. Forever. Birds appear and grab Blake by the shirt and carry him away. Whoa, birds! Bye Spirit Guide, I will never forget what you taught me. Ah, screw you. Blake gets lifted away by the birds. EXT. OUTSIDE OF TELAMERICORP OFFICES - CONTINUOUS Anders and Adam run up to the front of the office. Perfect. It s 8:59. One minute to spare before we re late. A helicopter is heard overhead as Blake is lowered into the frame.
28. CUT TO S POV: Birds lower him down to the street. CUT TO REALITY: He stands and everything looks normal. (CONT D) See, I told you we would make it and walking wouldn t be that hard. Hard like deez- Don t! And Blake, take off those stupid headphone, you haven t said anything this whole time. Blake takes the headphones off. What? Take off those headphones, you re not having a spiritual journey. Oh, right. Sorry. Let s ride. They all run up to the front door of the office and pull he handle. It s locked. Blake keeps pulling on the door. (CONT D) Let s ride! Let s ride! Let s ride! It won t open. What? Come on, we re not late yet! OPEN UP!!! Anders checks his phone. Dudes, you re not going to believe this.
29. What, we re at the wrong office? No. It s Saturday. We don t have work today. Cool. Are you KIDDING ME?! Wow. They stand there in silence for a moment. Guess we have to walk back home then. Looks like it. Hey Blake, since we don t have to work, do you still have anymore of those drugs? Sorry Dude, I ate them all. You ate an entire bag of mushrooms? You probably would feel like you had a spiritual journey after all that. You would probably feel...deez NUTS! They all laugh as they walk off. PAN TO: EXT. SKIDROW - CONTINUOUS We see Hobo Jim standing against a wall.
30. HOBO JIM Little did they know who they were talking to the entire time. Me. Matt Murdock. Daredevil. He puts on sunglasses, and takes out a blind-cane and starts walking away as we hear the same music from Blake's headphones. END OF ACT THREE FADE OUT:
31. TAG EXT. DESERT - DAY (LATER) The Hikers are still standing in the desert next to the skeleton. HIKER 2 Hey, why are we alone in the desert again? HIKER 1 Trying to have a spiritual journey. HIKER 2 Oh yeah, right. Do you feel those drugs yet? HIKER 1 Not at all. Pan out to reveal vast, hot desert. THE END FADE OUT: