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Meditations on an Ex-Boyfriend Katherine Monterosso Cover art by Loren Gibson 2
Table of contents Dreams.3 Self Medication 4 All Because..5 Woven..6 Consumption 7 The Affaire Part I.8 The Affaire Part II 9 Lover s Code...10 Degraded.11 Past..12 Hands..13 Meditations on soup...14 3
Dreams You were wearing the clogs you had bought me, tattered and Chihuahua-chewed. We went outside and laid down in the gravel. And old African woman came up and wanted to hear a story, so you sat up and folded her into your lap, rocking her with the rhythm of the tale. Sitting with the old African and your arms, I allowed your lies to fall onto me, of times long ago, when you loved me, when I wouldn t wake up and find you gone. 4
Self Medication The one thing they don t teach you in school is how to survive. There s no end to the leaning, but I m too tired to begin. Really, what s the point of learning history if we ll take our lives before we get the chance to make our own? I m always running, and God is it tiring. Running from reality, running back to you, running myself down, running up a bill. Yet everything seems so slow, like I should be able to stop it and set it straight but I just can t form the words, and my muscles won t respond to my brain s frantic urges. I m watching myself collapse, sitting from my perch in Mocha Mott s with my latte, watching myself fold under the pressure. And I should set it all straight but I m too tired from the running, I m too sore from the sex, I can t think straight through my hangover and have no idea how to use chemistry to my advantage. 5
All Because I ve tasted like disappointment My voice sounds salty My clothes won t match Shoes don t tie My pillows are too soft Night won t fall Seasons won t change. The clock s stuck at 4:28 Words slide off pages like my skin Then not. 6
Woven You re woven so far inside me, You re my god. Your word my gospel, Your lies my truth, Your conviction my sentence. I unraveled. Gave up eating, Took up sex. Gave up dignity, Took on shame. Chemo, pills, cancerous virus, Open my chest like a cadaver Carve out the parasitic tumor. Give me a simple lobotomy, Remove your word Your truth Your sentence. 7
Consumption I m hungry. I can t get our of bed today, I m so hungry. My muscles are decomposing Cellulite consuming itself I m so, so hungry. I saw you today; saw your face hands and penis And I m so hungry. What nourishes me destroys me Yet I m so hungry And I d rather be pleased than fat, So I consume you. 8
The Affaire Part I You re that girl. The one that I ve spent long hours in the mirror comparing myself to You re that girl. With the seemingly irresistible vagina Legs spread and nipples hard With my lovers name on your lips You re that girl. You re that girl that ----ed the boy who destroyed me, You re that girl. 9
The Affaire Part II I m that girl. And I m sure you ve spent long hours studying my face, my body Wondering what s so irresistible about my vagina. I m that girl. Whose nipples were hard and legs spread, With your lovers names on my lips. I m that girl. Created your story of betrayal. I m that girl. I would do it all again. 10
Lovers Code Certain words, places and time Too sacred to be shared. I like to imagine you avoiding them Carefully stepping over the cracks. 11
degraded my breasts shake beneath your sheet I wrap myself. you re embarrassed. you hit me, you re embarrassed. you re drunk i bend over and scrounge for my clothes get the ---- out of my fixation but i m naked? you hit me you re a slut i m shaking and you re holding my keys, you toss them on the floor. i snatch them as running out the door. i ll leave, until tomorrow. 12
Past That word that brings you back to: The day your father ran over your cat Or your uncle raped you And the first day you bled into your underpants And embarrassed yourself in front of the whole class; When you first held me When you first hit me Staying up all night sick in the bathroom Or when we first made love. Then later to your best friend penetrating me Drug overdoses and hospital stays, I search back and back, To when I first came out of the womb, And no matter how far I chase myself, I only find you. As if you re the first thing The beginning, the Only Reason I escaped the dark confinements of the uterus was to be Loved caressed ----ed destroyed By yours truly. I wonder if my uncle never raped me, And my cat never died If I never bled or ----ed your friend If I stayed out of the hospital and out from under you If I would have thrived Or If the whole master plan would ve been ----ed and a semi would ve run me over in my mother s arms the moment we stepped out of the hospital doors. 13
Hands Vivid colors pop Like the first time. I see your hands. You re holding a squash A shirt My underwear A screwdriver Buttoning your pants Taking off your shirt Opening an envelope Fastening your belt (always one hole too tight). They re rubbing my thigh Unzipping my sweatshirt Unhooking my bra. Flashes Glances Bits and pieces Of our history Our furious frantic intense love affaire. I remember your hands They re everywhere They re all over me And when I think of you I can picture your face crooked toes and teeth With a little incentive and thought But your hands, they just appear. In vivid color As if you re still here. 14
Meditations on soup It would be the kind of bowl you d tip against your lips to finish, if it weren t scolding hot. I spooned the remains, constantly scarping the bottom attempting to get it all, but always leaving behind one last sip, one last piece of you I d never get to taste. 15