a You Have Choice! Elizabeth H. Phillips-Hershey and Barbara Kanagy Mitchell Your younger brother got into your room and played your video games without permission. You are furious! How do you handle your anger? You may be surprised to realize that each of us deals with conflict in different ways. 2008 Scholastic Canada Ltd. V001 You Have a Choice 1/18
Avoidance Sometimes we avoid conflict rather than deal with a problem. We may pretend the problem doesn t exist, pretend we are not upset, or give in to be agreeable. Some people call this a soft response because the problem is not resolved. Illustrations by HildaRose You Have a Choice 2/18
Confrontation Another way to face conflict is to confront a problem directly. Sometimes this is a good response when we look at the problem honestly. But sometimes when we confront a problem, we just get angry, blow up, and fight. This is called a hard response. Illustrations by HildaRose You Have a Choice 3/18
Problem Solving With this response, everyone s feelings and ideas are listened to. People work together to solve a problem, so that each person is satisfied. This kind of response lets everyone win. It s a win-win response. Illustrations by HildaRose You Have a Choice 4/18
C ast o Charac f ters Narrator Carmen Jase Christy Other Pla yers Here is the beginning of a script. Narrator: (like a sports commentator) Carmen and her friends have been playing soccer in the neighbourhood park after school. Jase has had control of the ball for most of the game. Carmen gets angrier and angrier at Jase as the game goes on, and he scores goal after goal. You Have a Choice 5/18
Jase: And he scores again! We win. Christy: hat was fun. Let s play one T more game before dinner. On the following pages are three different endings. Decide which shows a soft response, a hard response, and a win-win response. You Have a Choice 6/18
Ending 1 Other Players: OK. Great. We re going to beat you this time. (under her breath) I wish Jase wouldn t hog the ball. I don t ever get a chance to score a goal. Narrator: The kids play for a few minutes. Jase has the ball and is trying to score. Carmen is close to the goal and is open for a pass from Jase. (yelling) Jase, Jase, over here! You Have a Choice 7/18
Narrator: But Jase ignores Carmen. He kicks the ball from far downfield to score. Narrator: Carmen has had enough of Jase s grandstanding and stomps off. Jase: Oh yeah! That s the way it s done, folks. (Jase hi-fives one of the other players) Christy: Hey, Carmen. Where are you going?! The game just started! You Have a Choice 8/18
Ending 2 Other Players: OK. Great. We re going to beat you this time. Jase: Why not Carmen? Come on, just one more game. No, I don t want to play anymore. Narrator: Everyone is in shock. They know Carmen loves soccer and doesn t miss a game if she can help it. (angrily to Jase) No way! You think you re a soccer star or something. You re always hogging the ball. I was open most of the last game, but you wouldn t pass me the ball! You Have a Choice 9/18
Narrator: The other players crowd around Carmen and Jase. Ohhh, fight. Jase: Narrator: It s not my fault that I m so good. Anyway, are you afraid of a little competition? (taunting tone) It s not a competition. We re on the same team! You can practically see the steam coming out of Carmen s ears. You Have a Choice 10/18
Other Players: (aside to other players) You see what I mean? (some nod in agreement) Yeah. He doesn t pass to us either. Jase: No way! Who made you the boss? Narrator: Carmen and Jase are nose to nose now. We don t want to play with you anymore. You re off the team! You Have a Choice 11/18
Ending 3 Other Players: OK. Great. We re going to beat you this time. (angrily) No way! I don t want to play again. Christy: Why not, Carmen? Because Jase s always hogging the ball. He doesn t give the rest of us a chance to score! Narrator: Everyone is in shock. They know Carmen loves soccer and doesn t miss a game if she can help it. Narrator: The other players crowd around Carmen and Jase. This fight could be good! You Have a Choice 12/18
Other Players: Jase: Yeah! Carmen s right. You do that to me, too. You do hog the ball. (Jase looks around angrily.) What do you mean? I pass to you guys all the time. No you don t. I was open most of the last game, but you wouldn t pass it! You Have a Choice 13/18
Jase: You should have said something sooner. How was I supposed to know? (Takes a deep breath, and calms down) You know, I guess I get so excited about playing that I forget to do that. I can see why you are angry. So you want me to pass the ball? I ll try from now on. Want to try again, Carmen? Other Players: Jase: Agreed! Agreed! OK. And if anything you re doing is bothering us, we ll let you know, agreed? You Have a Choice 14/18
Did you identify the responses? 1Ending #1 is a soft response and the conflict is not resolved. But sometimes walking away is helpful. People might be too angry and need time to cool off. But don t forget: it s important to resolve the conflict later after everyone has calmed down. How do you think Carmen and Jase could solve their problem? 2Ending #2 is a hard response. Carmen tells Jase what the problem is, but instead of solving the problem, they each just get angry. What do you think Carmen and Jase will do next? 3Ending #3 is a win-win response. Carmen, Jase, and the other players are saying how they feel. They listen to each other and work out a peaceful solution. You Have a Choice 15/18
Here s what to do to stop a disagreement from becoming an argument. n n Encourage Get the other person to state the problem: What s going on? What can you tell me about? Clarify Ask questions to be sure you understand the problem. n n Restate Once you think you ve got the other person s point of view, summarize the problem back to them: So you want me to pass you the ball. Reflect Show you understand how the other person is feeling: I can see why you are angry. You Have a Choice 16/18
These are three ways to deal with conflict. Which way would you choose? When there is a conflict, do you AVOID, CONFRONT, OR SOLVE THE PROBLEM? You Have a Choice 17/18
AVOID SOFT RESPONSE Give in. Act nice. Don t say what you feel. Walk away. Adapted from APPLESEEDS September 2003 issue: Working it Out, 2003, Carus Publishing Company, published by Cobblestone Publishing, 30 Grove Street, Suite C, Peterborough, NH 03458. All Rights Reserved. Used by permission of the publisher. CONFRONT HARD RESPONSE Scream and yell. Threaten. Call names. Or: Look at the problem honestly. Then try to work it out. SOLVE WIN-WIN Calmly share your opinion and feelings. Listen carefully. Talk it out. Co-operate and compromise. You Have a Choice 18/18