1 ANNIE EPISODE 1 Scene 1 The men's department at Barney's. Caroline and Annie enter] CAROLINE: What made me spend thirty-five dollars on a moisturizer made from sheep placenta? ANNIE: The sixteen-year-old in the lab coat who told you you'd be beautiful. Hey, let's go in here. CAROLINE: What do you need in the men's department? ANNIE: Men. CAROLINE: Come on, Annie. I went to Barnes & Noble with you to pick up men, I went to that off-track betting place with you to pick up men... ANNIE: Hey, you hit the daily double! Besides, we're here to find a man for you. CAROLINE: I don't need a man. I'm perfectly happy being alone. ANNIE: Well, you'll have plenty of time to be alone once you're in a relationship. That's what football's for. CAROLINE: What about him? ANNIE: Married. CAROLINE: No ring. ANNIE: He's buying over-the-calf socks. CAROLINE: So? ANNIE: Over-the-calf socks look better when you're dressed 'cause there's no gap between sock and trouser when you cross your legs. Crew socks look better when you're undressed 'cause you don't look like a dork. Obviously this guy cares more about what he looks like dressed than undressed, ergo married. CAROLINE: [looking at a different guy] What about that guy, buying both? ANNIE: Married, but he cheats on his wife. CAROLINE: Wow, that's a little advanced for me. ANNIE: Ugh, the men's department at Barney's is not the meat rack it used to be. Let's go walk by construction sites! CAROLINE: Annie, there's got to be a twelve-step program for you. [Scott enters and walks past them] ANNIE: Hold on, hold on. [quietly] Bogie at three o'clock. He's walking towards the cardigans. Ugh, very Mister Rogers. He's putting it down - good boy! He's walking towards the pullovers. Yellow V-neck. Ugh, could be gay, could be Ivy League. Wait a minute...bingo, navy crew-neck. Stable, classic sense of style, yet comfortable and casual. I think we've found our man. Let's move in. CAROLINE: Annie, look at him, he's gorgeous. He's got to have a girlfriend. ANNIE: Well, that'll teach her to let him out of the house alone. See? Everybody wins! [Caroline walks over to Scott]
2 ANNIE EPISODE 2 Scene 1 Caroline's apartment. Caroline, Richard and Annie are there, eating Chinese food.] CAROLINE: [reading a fortune cookie] 'The dog with a thousand faces still eats from one bowl.' What does that mean? RICHARD: It means they now have crack in China. CAROLINE: What does yours say, Richard? RICHARD: My fortune cookie was empty, which, by the way, is the title of my autobiography. ANNIE: [reading her cookie] Ooh! 'Wealth, happiness and joy will soon be yours.' Man, my whole week has been like this. Yesterday, I find twenty bucks on the sidewalk. Today, someone leaves this awesome Donna Karen jacket in a taxi which fits me like skin, notice, notice. [she twirls so they can she the jacket] And now this fortune. Man, my life's never been this good! [cut to the IRS. Jimmy is sitting at his desk. He puts a folder down in front of him.] JIMMY: Annie Spadaro, come on down! [he stamps the folder with a big stamp that says 'AUDIT'] [cut to Caroline's apartment. Annie shudders.] ANNIE: Did anyone else feel that? [Scene: The elevator in Caroline's building, on the ground floor. Richard is there.] ANNIE: [offscreen] Hold the elevator! RICHARD: Right. [Annie enters, just before the door closes. She is wearing a bathrobe and carrying some mail.] ANNIE: Well, you're out of your coffin early this morning. RICHARD: Don't even start, Annie. The people next door to me were having sex 'til four AM. ANNIE: [incredulously] Where do you live? RICHARD: Third and Avenue C. ANNIE: Hmm, wasn't me. [she opens one of the envelopes] Oh my god! Oh no! I'm being audited by the IRS! RICHARD: [smiling] Oh goodie, Santa got my letter!
3 [Annie hits him on the shoulder] [the elevator closes; Annie enters from her apartment] ANNIE: Caroline! CAROLINE: Yeah? ANNIE: Listen to this: I just got off the phone with some schmoo from the IRS who tells me I'm being audited for 1993! I don't remember 1993! That was the year I discovered jello shots! CAROLINE: Annie, do you think it's weird that Del and I still hang out, you know, after cancelling the wedding? ANNIE: Totally weird. Now focus. I need receipts for '93. Anything deductable. CAROLINE: I don't think it's weird, I think it's nice! ANNIE: She's worried about nice, and I'm going to jail. Someone named Sweaty Betty is going to buy me for a carton of cigarettes! [she goes back into her apartment] Scene 2 Jimmy's office. Annie is there, waiting nervously. She has a shoe box in her lap. Jimmy opens the door with a crash and furiously throws down his coat and briefcase.] JIMMY: It's not you. ANNIE: [scared] Good... JIMMY: I need aspirin. [he takes a bottle out of his desk drawer and swallows a few pills from it] Oh, okay. That's funny. Tic Tacs in the aspirin bottle again. [he spits them out] I HATE YOU PEOPLE! [Annie stands up] ANNIE: You know, maybe I should come back tomorrow. You look like you're having a bad d- JIMMY: Life? Tell me about it. I just got passed over for the office with a window because I'm too lenient. ANNIE: Lenience is good! Jesus was lenient! JIMMY: If Jesus worked here, he wouldn't have a window either. Sit down. [she does so; Jimmy looks at a form on his desk] You must be Miss Spadaro, case two-four-seven-three. ANNIE: Well, my friends call me two-four. JIMMY: [deadpan] I must meet your friends, they sound like a hoot. Let's begin. [he looks at the form, marking things on it as he goes] Right. Right. Right.
4 ANNIE: [happily] Well, I did it right! JIMMY: No, you did it horribly. I'll show them lenient. [he stamps the form, then starts on another one] Caught ya. Caught ya again. [he holds it up] Is this a nine or a four? ANNIE: [guessing] A nine. JIMMY: Caught ya again. ANNIE: Look, I've never been audited before. Is there any chance I could go to jail for this? JIMMY: If I want a window, there is. Okay, I need to see your receipts. ANNIE: Okay, uh, receipts. I have them. [she gives him the shoe box; Jimmy opens it and takes out the receipts] JIMMY: Two. ANNIE: Actually, that one's for the shoes. JIMMY: Are you really this incompetent, or are you just doing this to cheer me up? ANNIE: Look, I'm sorry I'm not an accountant, okay? I'm a dancer. JIMMY: Dancer? Professional dancer? ANNIE: Yeah, I'm in "Cats". JIMMY: [breathless] "Cats"? I love "Cats"! I've seen it thirteen times! ANNIE: [sympathetically] Oh, that's so sad! JIMMY: I should have known you were a dancer. You have a dancer's body. ANNIE: Thank you. JIMMY: Lithe, and...wiry. Reeking of sensuality. ANNIE: Uh...yeah! [Jimmy closes the door] JIMMY: Can you do splits? ANNIE: Now? JIMMY: No. No. [he looks at his watch] No, not now. Miss Spadaro, I have to be honest with you. You are as we say in IRS lingo, up doodie creek. But you seem like a very lovely person. Perhaps we could discuss your problem. Tonight. Over dinner. I'm buying. I'll give you the receipt.
5 Scene 3 The hallway outside Caroline's apartment. Annie and Jimmy enter.] ANNIE: Well, Mr Callahan- JIMMY: Uh. ANNIE: James. JIMMY: Uh. ANNIE: Jimmy. JIMMY: [smiling] Mmm. ANNIE: So, I guess you'll want to come in for a drink? [she crosses arms and holds her keys up on one finger] JIMMY: Betcha got milk. Cats like milk. ANNIE: [dubious] Yes. Yes we do. [Jimmy starts batting the keys like a cat; Annie snatches them away] JIMMY: Do you have your "Cats" costume in there? ANNIE: Uh, no, no I don't. [she turns to unlock the door; Jimmy rubs his head against her shoulder] JIMMY: Do you know what I'm doing now? ANNIE: [unimpressed] I got a pretty good idea, yeah. JIMMY: I'm marking you. [Annie steps away] ANNIE: Okay, I am just not drunk enough to do this. JIMMY: Do what? ANNIE: I am not going to sleep with you to get out of my audit! JIMMY: Sleep with you? I don't want to sleep with you! ANNIE: You don't? What was all this about? JIMMY: I want you to get me an audition for "Cats"!
6 Scene 4: The "Cats" producer's office. The producer is sitting at his desk, Annie is standing in front of it.] ANNIE: Okay, I know this is a huge favour, but I've been in your show for like six years, and how many times have I asked you for a favour? Well, there was that one time I wanted my birthday off and you wouldn't let me, and some people would say that you owe me, not that you do owe me! I was just thinking that maybe we could humour this IRS guy. You know, just give him an audition. Nothing big! Let him sing a couple of bars...okay, you know what? This was a bad idea. Stupid, stupid, stupid! I'm going to leave now. See you at the Christmas party. Ciao. "Cats" now and forever. I am...going to jail. [she exits; the producer picks up the phone] PRODUCER: Set up a urine test for Annie Spadaro. Scene 5 Backstage at "Cats". Annie is there. Jimmy and Marty enter. JIMMY: Oh my god, Broadway! ANNIE: Jimmy, where have you been? I told you your audition was at twelve fifteen. JIMMY: I'm sorry, Marty was taking pictures of me out in front of the theatre. ANNIE: Who the hell is- [Jimmy turns her around to face Marty, who takes their picture] Marty? JIMMY: He's my accompanist. He works in Collections. ANNIE: We've got to do this right away. We've got to be out of here by twelve thirty, okay? JIMMY: Oh my god, is that the stage? Can I peek? [he walks out on to the stage and starts singing] Give my regards to Broadway... [Annie drags him backstage] ANNIE: The producer is coming. Now remember, even though you probably won't get the part, you know what's important, don't you? JIMMY: Yes - smile and keep my head up. ANNIE: No, that I got you the audition. Your pal, Annie Spadaro! JIMMY: Don't worry. You've held up your end of the bargain, I'll hold up mine. DEL: [offscreen] Hello? ANNIE: And here's the producer now.
7 [Del enters] DEL: Ah, sorry I'm late. I was...producing things. [Charlie enters, wearing an overcoat over his shoulders and a beret] CHARLIE: Annie, my love! I didn't see you at my cocktail party at the Sondheim. We had cheese. [he kisses Annie] ANNIE: Who are you? CHARLIE: You don't recognise your Broadway director? [to Jimmy] Hello. JIMMY: Hi. ANNIE: [quietly, to Del] I thought it was just going to be the producer. DEL: Yeah, the director was following me, saying, 'Where you going? Where you going? Where you going?' ANNIE: Well, Jimmy, today's your lucky day. We have both our producer... JIMMY & DEL: Hello. ANNIE: And our director here to watch your audition. END