WRITING BETTER SENTENCES EFFICIENCY, CLARITY, AND DICTION

WRITING BETTER SENTENCES EFFICIENCY, CLARITY, AND DICTION

SENTENCES Efficiency Clarity Diction

EFFICIENCY Calculate Percent Change Calculate the difference between the two numbers being compared: Difference = New Number - Original Number Divide the difference by the original number and multiply the result by 100: Percentage Change = Difference Original Number 100 If the final answer is a negative number it is a percentage decrease, otherwise, it is a percentage increase.

EFFICIENCY Example: Calculate the percent change from 2 to 10 10 2 = 8 8 2 = 4 4 x 100 = 400 400% increase

EFFICIENCY STUDENT SAMPLE AND EDIT This is just like a game between them, after Elie being beaten this time, his face even didn t appear any anger, he didn t resist the action of the commander, because now he knows the action of resistance would be silly. 40 words In this miserable game, after Elie is beaten, not a trace of anger appears on his face; in fact, he doesn t resist the brutality, solemnly acknowledging its futility. 28 words

EFFICIENCY 28 40 = -12-12 40 = -0.3 0.3 x 100 = -30 Your Aim 30% decrease

EFFICIENCY Download Sentence Efficiency, Clarity, & Diction Complete Activity 1 Share sentences as a class

SENTENCES Efficiency Clarity Diction

CLARITY CLARITY To be clear is to be coherent and intelligible To be transparent and pure Eliminating to be verbs Parallel construction

CLARITY ELIMINATING TO BE VERBS To be, or not to be. That is the question. 3 to be verbs Next 34 Lines 6 to be verbs

TO BE VERBS To be, or not to be, that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles And by opposing end them. To die to sleep, No more; and by a sleep to say we end The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks That flesh is heir to: 'tis a consummation Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep; To sleep, perchance to dream ay, there's the rub: For in that sleep of death what dreams may come, When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, Must give us pause there's the respect That makes calamity of so long life. For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, Th'oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely, The pangs of dispriz'd love, the law's delay,

TO BE VERBS The insolence of office, and the spurns That patient merit of th'unworthy takes, When he himself might his quietus make With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear, To grunt and sweat under a weary life, But that the dread of something after death, The undiscovere'd country, from whose bourn No traveller returns, puzzles the will, And makes us rather bear those ills we have Than fly to others that we know not of? Thus conscience does make cowards of us all, And thus the native hue of resolution Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought, And enterprises of great pitch and moment With this regard their currents turn awry And lose the name of action

CLARITY ELIMINATING TO BE VERBS Use fewer forms of to be Am, is, are, was, were, be, being, been Instead: descriptive verbs My dogs were fast. Strong verbs lead to precise meaning to a vague sentence My dogs tore around the field. My dogs flew like the wind. My dogs raced across the grass.

CLARITY WHAT S WRONG WITH TO BE VERBS? 1. Claim of absolute truth: Classical music is very sophisticated. Few would agree that all classical compositions are always sophisticated. Beethoven s, a famous classical composer, wrote the Ninth Symphony while partially deaf.

CLARITY WHAT S WRONG WITH TO BE VERBS 2. General and lack specificity. Be good at school today. Don t talk when the teacher talks. That school is great. That school has wonderful teachers, terrific students, and supportive parents.

CLARITY Rewrite these sentences with descriptive verbs A glass of orange juice was refreshing to Monroe. Monroe enjoyed a refreshing glass of orange Weak Strong juice.

CLARITY Rewrite these sentences with descriptive verbs The SAT practice was boring, so the students Weak were tired. The boring SAT practice exhausted the students. Strong

CLARITY Write a Paragraph Descriptive Imagery Don t use any form of to be Am, is, are, was, were, be, being, been 300 400 words

MLA CITATION Example: View from the Café A few birds glide lazily outside the window. In the light of dusk, an orange glow envelops them. Inside, the café bustles with the din of conversation and puttering of pop music. I contemplate the scene: friends sip water and share their thoughts. A man in black glasses drinks tea and swipes the rectangle of his cellphone screen. A girl in a pink niqib taps her laptop s keyboard, and her eyes fall melancholically upon its blue glow. Photographs line the wall: a Thai fire-breather blasts a plume of red into the night sky, a city skyline stretches for infinity, and a kayaker paddles in a turquoise lake. I, with a bit of a cold that I caught in the mountains, observe this scene silently. Life spins about, the sun falls behind the buildings, and the birds have vanished.

CLARITY PARALLEL CONSTRUCTION Parallel construction The repetition of a chosen syntactic and grammatical structure Poe s Parallel Balance Proseand equality Communicate ideas that have Parallel: A shriek had been heard by a neighbor during the same importance using the the night; suspicion of foul play had been aroused; same grammatical structure information had been lodged at the police office, and they (the officers) had been deputed to search the premises. I smiled, for what had I to fear?

CLARITY GERUNDS + INFINITIVES Infinitive To + verb Without good pitching, the Marlins can be expected to lose more than eighty games, to draft early in next year s draft, and attendance will suffer greatly. Without good pitching, the Marlins can be expected to lose more than eighty games, to draft early in next year s draft, and to suffer greatly in attendance.

CLARITY GERUNDS + INFINITIVES Gerund Verb + -ing Jeremy is improving his SAT score, will have worked his writing, and has to meet his parents expectations. Jeremy is improving his SAT score, working on his writing, and meeting his parents expectations.

CLARITY CORRELATIVE CONJUNCTIONS Both, and; not, but; not only, but also; either, or; whether, or; Henry was both an industrious student, and he was also neither, nor. an excellent athlete. Henry was both an industrious student and an excellent athlete.

CLARITY Parallelism Rewrite sentences with parallel structure Using parallelism, write three sentences of your own.

SENTENCES Efficiency Clarity Diction

DICTION "The difference between the almost-right word and the right word is really a large matter it s the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning." Mark Twain

DICTION SHOW, DON T TELL? Abstract "Telling" Even a large male gorilla, unaccustomed to tourists, is frightened by people. Concrete "Showing" A four-hundred-pound male gorilla, unaccustomed to tourists, will bolt into the forest, trailing a stream of diarrhea, at the mere sight of a person.

DICTION ABSTRACT DICTION Abstract diction refers to words that do not appeal imaginatively to the reader's senses. Abstract words create no mental picture" or any other imagined sensations for readers. Love, Hate, Feelings, Emotions, Temptation, Peace, Seclusion, Alienation, Politics, Rights, Freedom, Intelligence, Attitudes, Progress, Guilt, etc.

DICTION CONCRETE DICTION Concrete diction refers to words that stimulate some kind of sensory response in the reader: as we read the words, we can imaginatively use our senses to experience what the words represent. Dog, Cat, Computer, Classroom, Tree, Candy Bar, Car, Chair, Department Store, Radio, Pencil, Hat, Clock, Rain, Ice Cube, Beer, etc.

DICTION Abstract Experiment Try to create a mental picture of "love." What do you see? Do you picture a couple holding hands, a child hugging a mother, roses and valentines? These are not "love." Instead, they are concrete objects you associate with love. Because it is an abstraction, the word "love" itself does not imaginatively appeal to the reader's senses.

DICTION Abstract Diction What do you see? "Ralph and Jane have experienced difficulties in their lives, and both have developed bad attitudes because of these difficulties. They have now set goals to surmount these problems, although the unfortunate consequences of their experiences are still apparent in many everyday situations."

DICTION Concrete Diction What do you see? "Ralph and Jane were malnourished orphans, often beaten by their adoptive parents. Due to their tumultuous past, they turned their backs on the world and took a darkened path through life. However, Ralph and Jane sought counseling. Every Wednesday, they shared their thoughts with a compassionate psychiatrist, and light began to seep through the cracks in the walls they had built. Though not every day is perfect, they now enjoy a brighter path.

CLARITY Abstract vs. Concrete Rewrite the passage with concrete diction. Write three to four boring, abstract sentences about your experience with the SAT; then rewrite those sentence with concrete diction.

DICTION USE THE RIGHT WORDS, NOT THE ALMOST-RIGHT WORDS What do you see: The dog jumped on top of the car"? You should imagine a dog jumping on top of a car, What kind of dog? What kind of car do you imagine? Now: The golden retriever jumped on top of the red corvette"? The concrete and specific diction in this sentence ensures that you are "seeing" exactly what the writer wants you to see.

DICTION In general, specific and concrete diction Parallelism { is a characteristic of strong writing, whereas general and abstract diction is a characteristic of weak writing.

DICTION USE THE RIGHT WORDS, NOT THE ALMOST-RIGHT WORDS Some composition and writing experts argue that writers should write with verbs and nouns, avoiding the use of adverbs and adjectives. If you use the right verbs and nouns, there should be no need to modify them into something else. "Mary walked proudly and confidently down the hallway. "Mary strutted down the hallway.

DICTION USE THE RIGHT WORDS, NOT THE ALMOST-RIGHT WORDS Finally, avoid the word very: When you use the word "very," you are most likely trying to change the wrong word into the right one. I was very happy. I was overjoyed. I was very scared. I was terrified.

CLARITY Very Concrete Rewrite the sentences using the a concrete, descriptive adjective.

DICTION SUMMARY Efficiency Write with greater efficiency Fewer words Use more active verbs Fewer to be verbs Clarity Write with parallel construction Good writers do it; bad writers don t. Diction Use concrete, vivid diction Not too much abstraction