LovingCommunication.com 2003 Fred J. Keyser 858 450 0189 A Story Which Clarifies "Passing" The young couple recline comfortably in their lounge chairs. From the corner of her eye, she spots her partner s brother diving into the pool. Wow, she exclaims, your brother has an incredible body! Next morning while getting dressed he proclaims enthusiastic praise for the female professor of his computer class. She s probably the most confident, capable woman on the planet! Really honey, you should meet her! That night he reaches out to her for physical intimacy, but she rebuffs him, saying she s concerned she might be coming down with a cold. The following morning, she observes herself thinking critical thoughts about his body and his mannerisms. His stomach is definitely getting fat! she decides. Remembering one of her lovers from years ago, a rush of passion floods through her, followed by confusion and fear. Suddenly she wonders if her criticisms about his body and her thoughts about her past lovers, are actually early warning signs, signifying the end of their current relationship. These speculations fade as she hurries to get dressed for the day. On the way to the movies that evening their mood is light and silly. She finds herself telling him about her first boyfriend, humorously describing the uniqueness of his anatomy. At the check-out line in the grocery store, he points to a magazine displaying a bikini-clad model. Maybe if you d eat less chocolate, you d have thighs like those! he teases playfully. As they walk to the car outside the store, an idea comes over her, out of the blue. Turning to look deeply in his eyes, she inquires thoughtfully, Did I say something to you recently, something that maybe hurt you a little, even though I seemed playful? Grocery bag in arm, he pauses quietly as though deep in internal reflection. She continues her inquiry. She remembers the comment he made about the bikini-clad model on the magazine cover in the check-out line, and asks him, Did I seem to be comparing you to someone else, and it hurt? Immediately his eyes mist, and a wave of sadness rises up in him, followed by a surge of love for her. He admits that her old boyfriend comments stung. She mirrors him empathetically. Then, she takes a guess about his positive intent, saying, Our relationship is so important to you, it s painful when you think of us
not being Number One to each other, huh? Yes, he sighs, gratefully. Next he agrees to hear her, and she mentions the sting she felt when he praised his teacher. He mirrors her words back ( That really hurt, but you felt silly saying anything to me about it at the time...? ) Back and forth they take turns, each speaking and listening. By the time they arrive home, a sense of newness has returned to their relationship, a surge of attraction overtaking them as they enter the door. Giggling, they almost drop the groceries as they rush to hug and kiss. Humor That Hurts Has a friend or co-worker ever made a joke about something you did, during which you found yourself trying to laugh, but secretly feeling tension in your stomach? Ever been teased by a coworker during a department meeting, or by a relative at a family gathering over the holidays? When you begin to recognize the difference between humor which is funny to everyone, and humor which is at the expense of another person, you will have uncovered one of society s most common and unconscious mechanisms! Why is hurtful teasing so rampant? One of our clients recalled that during his childhood, teasing was practically a non-stop phenomenon between his brothers and himself. Somebody was always the brunt of the joke, yet it was the only way they knew to express love! While their conscious intent was to be playful, they were unconscious of the shame that was being passed between them. In a society that is unaware of its hidden feelings of shame, shame must find an outlet so teasing is considered normal. For example, the department store manager pokes the new girl when she hits the wrong button and the cash register jams. While impatient customers observe, the manager quips loudly in a sarcastic tone, Poor baby! Want me to hold your hand? Jason should keep a dictionary tied around his neck! a high school professor comments with a laugh while handing back tests to anxious students. Obviously, comments like these sting. On the other hand, have you ever found yourself truly laughing at a joke which was aimed at you? For instance, our British friend uses the word cow as a term of affection for her close women friends. How are you, you COW!?? they shriek merrily to each other upon meeting for lunch. If you were to ask them, these women would tell
you they feel only love not even the tiniest bit of shame or tension during these humorous episodes. The key is to begin to recognize whether or not the main ingredient being passed is love. When you are about to issue forth a teasing remark, ask yourself honestly, If I were on the receiving end of this comment, would I feel tension (i.e. shame, fear or anger) or love? Does hurtful teasing sound familiar to you? We suggest the possibility that by cleaning up the teasing interactions in your life, your relationships will take a leap in closeness and trust. To close this chapter about passing, we will compare some of the typical ways people communicate, by observing a situation between a mother and son in a public library: The Tale of the Library Floor Imagine if you will, a little three year old boy, his supple body sprawled on the chilly floor of a Public Library. Like a smooth sea, the tiles beneath him fan out in all directions. Each tile possesses a myriad of green flecks, yet the design of each one is intricately different. He presses his eye up close. He discovers that, wondrously, the flecks are raised! Licking his finger, he rubs the small mounds, curious to see if the flecks come off, the way finger-paints do. Suddenly, a dark shadow covers him. He looks up to see a huge figure looming. It swats his backside, grasps and jerks his tender arm. Through the swirl of his own pounding heart he becomes aware that this is his mother. THIS IS A PUBLIC LIBRARY! she says in a controlled roar, PEOPLE WALK ON THIS FLOOR WITH THEIR DIRTY SHOES!! YOU COULD PICK UP GERMS!! She pulls him over toward the chair next to her, then moves away, leaving him standing alone. Trembling, he steadies himself. He begins to cry and rock himself back and forth. Eventually his tears come to an end. The tears give way to a smile, the smile erupts into a laugh. A wave of silliness overtakes him and beckons him into a game. His eyes dart over to Mom, who is deeply absorbed in her book. Suddenly he slams his body full-force into her knees, as though playing a game of bumper car. Shocked, Mom gasps in pain. Her book slides to the floor and she grabs him angrily. She holds his arms down at his sides while he struggles and squeals.
NO! she yells as people watch. You may not play like that in here, Chris! Now sit down in a chair and behave yourself like a gentleman! I ve had it with you today! THIS IS ABSOLUTELY ENOUGH!! He squirms but she continues to restrain him. Eventually his struggles come to a halt, and she releases him and returns to her reading. Sniffling, he shuffles over to the nearest chair in resignation. Attempting to hoist himself up, he bangs his eye smack-dab into the chair arm! His scream pierces the hushed room, streaming forth like a siren. He pauses only occasionally to gulp breath. People stare while the high-pitched wail continues to flow uncontrollably. Irritated and deeply concerned, Mom carries him out. Our purpose in sharing this story is to illustrate the way events in life often occur: one person does something, the other takes it personally and reacts, leaving both in pain and separation. Both remain emotionally full neither has the experience of being heard, received or understood. Isn t there another direction this story could have taken? Instead of exasperation, could Mother and Son have ended up enjoying a great afternoon? Now let s see what transpires when Mom has expertise with the Loving Communication tools: The Tale of the Library Floor (Take 2) Imagine the little three year old boy, sprawled on the chilly floor. Like a smooth sea the tiles beneath him fan out in all directions. Licking his finger he rubs the small mounds, curious to see if the flecks come off like finger paint. Suddenly a dark shadow covers him. He looks up to see a huge figure looming. It swats his backside; grasps and jerks his tender arm. Through the swirl of his own pounding heart he becomes aware this is his mother. THIS IS A PUBLIC LIBRARY! she says in a controlled roar, PEOPLE WALK ON THIS FLOOR WITH THEIR DIRTY SHOES!! YOU COULD PICK UP GERMS!! She pulls him over toward the chair next to her, then moves away, leaving him standing alone. He steadies himself, trembling. Seconds pass and he begins to cry. Slowly he rocks back and forth. Eventually his tears give way to a smile, the smile erupts into a laugh. A wave of silliness overtakes him and beckons him into a game. His eyes dart over to Mom, deeply absorbed in her book. Suddenly he slams his body full-force into her knees, as though playing a game of bumper car. Shocked, Mom gasps with pain. At first, she s
exasperated. Then, her face softens. Inside her for a moment it s as if time stands still. She thinks, Wow. That was really shocking when he banged into me like that! I wonder what he wants to communicate? Ah, he must be telling me he s shocked and hurt! Quickly she glances around, checking to see if there are any people that might have hurt him. No one. She reviews the exchange that just transpired between the two of them. She recalls looking up from her book and seeing him on the floor. I was worried he was going to pick up germs, so I gave him a little swat on his backside. It wasn t really enough to hurt him, but, I was feeling some fear and shock because of how dirty the floor was! So, when I swatted him, I must have passed that fear and shock to him! Given how quiet and focused he was on the pattern of that floor, it must ve been shocking for him to be startled like that. That would account for the moment of shock I felt, when he played body-slam on my knees: he was unconsciously seeking to have me understand his experience! She meets his eyes compassionately and inquires, Was that a little shocking when Mommy spanked you and pulled you up like that, honey? His eyes squint as if focusing internally. Looking a bit pouty, he nods in agreement. She continues. You were laying there looking at the floor, and that floor was probably really interesting to you, huh? His eyes widen. And suddenly there I was, grabbing you and yelling at you. That was kind of shocking, wasn t it? The cloud clears from his face and he nods emphatically. Well, I m sorry I shocked you like that. You know what? You re perfect, just the way you are. You didn t do anything wrong. That was just some fear and shock that was going through Mommy, and she passed it to you. It wasn t you at all, okay? Rather than answering her question he exclaims excitedly, Mommy! Can we get a book about trucks? His eyes dart in the direction of the children s wing. He reaches happily for her hand and they leave to find a book about trucks. As they walk, Mom ponders: Hmmm. I wonder. Did something shocking happen to me earlier today, which I then passed to Chris? Then, she remembers that on the way to the library the bus driver had yelled at her. Lady, this bus ain t moving until you take a seat!! he proclaimed as she was digging for change. She recalls the shame she felt, and the way people had stared at her as her cheeks flushed red. The incident had transpired so quickly, she hadn t taken time to acknowledge the emotions she d felt. Those emotions had stored in her body until a later time when they could be felt and completed.
Unconsciously, she then passed her experience, including the feelings, to her son. Chris felt shock, hurt and ashamed. As they continue to walk, she briefly replays the bus incident in her mind a couple of times. Each time she does, she feels a small wave of shame pass through her. As she relaxes and opens up to the waves, they become less intense. The first wave is really challenging to open up to because opening toward shame seems to go against everything she was ever trained to do! Without doing so out loud, she now speaks to herself, lovingly: That was shocking, embarrassing, and your feelings were hurt when the bus driver yelled at you in front of the other passengers, wasn t it? You were just doing your best, trying to come up with the right amount of change while keeping an eye on Chris, weren t you? She senses her inner child nodding in agreement. Next, she thinks of the bus driver yelling at her, and tries to figure out his positive intent. She imagines herself turning to him and saying, You really look out for everybody s safety on the bus, and you had some fear for our safety when you saw people in danger by not being seated, didn t you? And you know that one of the ways to keep people safe is to not drive till they ve found a seat, huh? Without even imagining the bus driver s response she feels a warmth spreading quickly through her emotional self, and notices the tightness leaving her body. Checking inside herself a bit further, she scans to see if the bus incident is possibly reminiscent of incidents from her past. Ah, yes. A few hazy memories surface: teachers who had reprimanded her in front of classmates, and the shock, shame and hurt feelings she had been unable to fully feel and express back then. She realizes the intensity of her reaction to the bus driver may have been emotions from the past seeking to be released. As they enter the children s wing her step is energized, and she notices a sense of joy in just being together with her son... Can you see that in Take 2 of this story the same tense moments were utilized to actually deepen and enhance the intimacy and energy of the people involved? Are you a Mom or Dad yourself? If so, are you perhaps feeling a bit hopeless right now, thinking, Forget it! I ll never be able to do what the Mom in that story did!? If that is the case, we suggest you simply read on, and not struggle to get it. Our theory is that these tools are universal principles, meaning they already exist in our hearts, and upon reading them we instinctively recognize and resonate with them. Again and again we see shifts happen for people
in a gentle, natural way, out of being exposed consistently to these new ways of thinking. LovingCommunication.com 2003 Fred J. Keyser 858 450 0189