ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM: HOW I GOT A DATE WITH THE ZOOKEEPER S DAUGHTER By Kelly Meadows Copyright 2015 by Kelly Meadows, All rights reserved. Heuer Publishing LLC in association with Brooklyn Publishers, LLC ISBN: 978-1-60003-813-6 CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that this Work is subject to a royalty. This Work is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, whether through bilateral or multilateral treaties or otherwise, and including, but not limited to, all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention, the Universal Copyright Convention and the Berne Convention. RIGHTS RESERVED: All rights to this Work are strictly reserved, including professional and amateur stage performance rights. Also reserved are: motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound recording, all forms of mechanical or electronic reproduction, such as CD-ROM, CD-I, DVD, information and storage retrieval systems and photocopying, and the rights of translation into non-english languages. PERFORMANCE RIGHTS AND ROYALTY PAYMENTS: All amateur and stock performance rights to this Work are controlled exclusively by Heuer Publishing LLC. No amateur or stock production groups or individuals may perform this play without securing license and royalty arrangements in advance from Heuer Publishing LLC. Questions concerning other rights should be addressed to Heuer Publishing LLC. Royalty fees are subject to change without notice. Professional and stock fees will be set upon application in accordance with your producing circumstances. Any licensing requests and inquiries relating to amateur and stock (professional) performance rights should be addressed to Heuer Publishing LLC. Royalty of the required amount must be paid, whether the play is presented for charity or profit and whether or not admission is charged. AUTHOR CREDIT: All groups or individuals receiving permission to produce this Work must give the author(s) credit in any and all advertisement and publicity relating to the production of this Work. The author s billing must appear directly below the title on a separate line where no other written matter appears. The name of the author(s) must be at least 50% as large as the title of the Work. No person or entity may receive larger or more prominent credit than that which is given to the author(s). PUBLISHER CREDIT: Whenever this Work is produced, all programs, advertisements, flyers or other printed material must include the following notice: Produced by special arrangement with Heuer Publishing LLC. COPYING: Any unauthorized copying of this Work or excerpts from this Work is strictly forbidden by law. No part of this Work may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form, by any means now known or yet to be invented, including photocopying or scanning, without prior permission from Heuer Publishing LLC. HEUER PUBLISHING LLC P.O. BOX 248 CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA 52406 TOLL FREE (800) 950-7529 FAX (319) 368-8011
ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM: HOW I 2 GOT A DATE WITH THE ZOOKEEPER S DAUGHTER ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM: HOW I GOT A DATE WITH THE ZOOKEEPER S DAUGHTER A Ten Minute Comedic Monologue By Kelly Meadows SYNOPSIS: Zoo jokes running wild! On the surface, this is a very simple boy-meets-girl, but when elephants get involved, it becomes a big problem. Our speaker has to learn to respect elephants in order to get the respect of the zookeeper s daughter. By the time she relents, does he even want to go out with her? Every actor should have this one in his trunk! CAST OF CHARACTERS (1 male) MALE MONOLOGUE (m)... 17 years old; but can also be played by an older self, looking back. AUTHOR NOTES This monologue was first mentioned in Long Titles are Great but How Am I Going to Remember it for the Forensics Tournament? Or in Short-Red. It was my intent to turn all the titles from that play into actual monologues.
KELLY MEADOWS 3 MALE: I ve always wondered about elephants. If they have problems, do they talk about the big pink person in the room no one admits is there? What do geese complain about? You sound like a gaggle of old ladies at a bingo parlor? (As a bingo caller.) I-17! O-75. Bingo! In some places, those are fighting words. Have you seen the zookeeper? said one elephant to the other. (Looks at the bottom of shoe.) Oh, here he is. That s elephant humor when we re not around. My problem? There was an elephant in the room. It wasn t pink, it didn t smell good, and there was this girl that kept hanging around the elephant exhibit who I desperately wanted to get to know. Turns out she had an in with the elephants, since she was the zookeeper s daughter. I-17 wasn t just a bingo chip so much as it was my age. I seventeen. She about the same, I guess. But she was mature. She liked elephants. She was raised with them, in a manner of speaking. She wanted to be an elephant keeper-intraining, sort of like a lady-in-waiting to a queen. I was a giraffe guy, and there was no connection. We have nothing in common, she said. Nothing. Not even large mammals? Her father was on the scene, but I wasn t sure whose side he was on. You seem to think that one large mammal is the same as another. Such ignorance won t fly with my daughter. I don t want to fly with your daughter, or I d be in the birdcage, I said. No one thought that was funny. Apparently zoo-humor is very species specific. What s funny to a macaw is extremely offensive to an elephant, and they never forget. (Pretends to be elephants holding a conversation.) He s back, said papa elephant. What does he want this time? He s going to sketch us again, said mama elephant. Last time you were in such an unflattering position, said papa. It went viral. I suggest you turn around and tuck in a bit. I was, indeed, the person in the room. The zookeeper s daughter came by, her name was Earlene and she took a look at my sketch. (Pretends to look over his shoulder, as Earlene, at the sketch, and make a silent judgement.) Again, not impressed.
ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM: HOW I 4 GOT A DATE WITH THE ZOOKEEPER S DAUGHTER (As Earlene.) You purposely depicted that elephant in a very embarrassing posture. (A little bit sarcastic.) Yet, I said, She held it for the entire time I was sketching her. I think this elephant likes me. (Repeatedly points a finger at Earlene.) Maybe you can learn something from Mrs. Elephant. (As Earlene.) So if an elephant likes you I should go out with you? I offered to draw a picture of Earlene, if she would just stay still. For one, I would be able to study her for an hour or two; and for two, she would be staying still rather than running off. But she didn t want me to sketch her in the same pose as I portrayed Mrs. Elephant and make her the laughingstock of the internet. I can t portray you in that position, I pointed out. An elephant s trunk is in the front, and yours, Earlene, is in the (Blustery, interrupting.) I won t have you addressing my daughter in such a manner, said the zookeeper, sneaking up behind me, more like an armadillo than an elephant. One thing elephants aren t, I learned, is sneaky. (Aside.) Oh, really, I didn t see you coming! said the giraffe. See, it s funny, but not if you re an elephant. If you re a hyena, it s a laugh a minute. I was wasting my whole summer at the zoo trying to get a date with Earlene. You might wonder at this point why I bothered, since she was totally G-59 to my I-17. Actually she was more like O-Never and N- Possible. After a while, I started, in fact, to dislike her and her father as much as they were tired of me. But I was persistent, and I was determined to get a date with her if it as the last thing I did. I d spent two months hounding her, harassing her, being a big pain in the trunk, and just ignoring the elephant in the room which was that she didn t want to go out with me. It s hard to really get your point across when someone s backup plan is to hide behind a herd of elephants. That s like me saying yes to 15 tons of no. The no that never forgets. I had to get her into a room that was too small for any elephants at all, be they real or imaginary. Or, I had to move on, but as I said, I was determined at this point to date this young lady who, in fact, I now despised.
KELLY MEADOWS 5 Time to turn on the charm. There s an old birthday rhyme that goes happy birthday to you, you belong in the zoo, and that s pretty much where things stood. She loved animals, and until I could actually behave like one she liked versus the pigs and pit vipers she accused me of impersonating we were going nowhere. I had no choice but to sign up for acting classes at a children s theater. We learned all sorts of things how to act like lions, tigers, bears What about an elephant, I asked? Elephants are hard, said the teacher. You have to realize it s something much bigger than you are. Something you can t attain, yet must demonstrate. Something that dominates all parts of your mental and physical dominion. Only when you find your dominion thus dominated can you enter the elephantine domain. (Confused silence for a short while.) When I was a kid we just put our hands together in front of us and swung them back and forth. (As teacher, incensed!) You are stereotyping the elephant community with your swinging trunks and contrabassoon-laden melodies. No more bassoon-bullying! No more trunk swaggering! If that s what you think of an elephant than you can pack your trunk and leave! (As Self.) I don t have any trunk. Exactly, said the teacher. Now get to work. (If desired, actor can demonstrate some move believed to be an elephant.) So, now that a bunch of six year olds believed I was an elephant, my next goal was to try that with Earlene. Being an elephant is not so much about swinging your arms in front of you as it is carrying a certain state of mind. That you are bigger than all things, that trees are for breakfast and that there are no obstacles you can t crush, except perhaps another elephant or a giraffe. An elephant will pretty much get its way, except, of course, with Earlene. I was going to break her with confidence. (Cocky and a little arrogant, as if he knows he ll finally win her over.) The zoo closes at eight, I said. Where will we be going next? (As Earlene.) I only wish it closed earlier, so I d be rid of you faster.
ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM: HOW I 6 GOT A DATE WITH THE ZOOKEEPER S DAUGHTER The zoo closes at eight, so that we have some time to spend together where it doesn t smell like elephant. Where, in fact, it s just you and me like two ostriches, heads in the sand, oblivious to everything else but each other. She was cold, like a penguin. How can I see you if my head s in the sand? It s been in the sand all summer, I said. But I know that at 8 p.m. it won t be. We went out, and she fell for me instantly, because now I was an elephant. But Earlene, as a mere human being, was beneath me. And the very fact that she liked me was of no importance. It s because of how you treated me all summer, and elephants don t forget. After all this, I realized, I m still, and just, a man. I-17. Earlene finally figured it out. You just wanted me to say yes. Bingo. She was not pleased, and who can blame her? I was being a trunk, and not an elephant s trunk. Not a tree trunk either. The next class I signed up for? Self-defense. THE END
KELLY MEADOWS 7 NOTES
ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM: HOW I 8 GOT A DATE WITH THE ZOOKEEPER S DAUGHTER NOTES