Essay Feedback
Summary Things I will be marking more closely in your next essay: 1) Title 2) Adverbs, or unnecessary words, and other culprits 3) Plan of Development (either missing, or run on sentences detracted from quality) 4) Thesis Statements 5) Links between paragraphs 6) Quote integration 7) How you support your proof, and link your paragraphs back to the thesis 8) Conclusions
Titles Avoid: Power Corruption in Macbeth *Teachers and Professors will want to see a Title that is intriguing and reflects your topic. Try to make something original, or something that reflects your content. Try: The Cost of Maintaining Power An Analysis of Power Corruption in Macbeth
Adverbs, unnecessary words, and other culprits. An Extreme example to AVOID. The paradoxical relationship between Lady Macbeth and Macbeth really shows how she exemplifies a manipulative personality and how much she is hungry for more power. Word count: 25 * Fancy Words, Juxtaposition
Adverbs, unnecessary words, and other culprits. BETTER. Your writing should mirror how you speak. The confrontation(s) between Macbeth and Lady Macbeth shows how Lady Macbeth is a manipulative person and lusts for power. Word count: 19
Plan of Development Some essays were missing a Plan of Development. Ensure you have this in your introduction. If you cannot fit all of your points into one sentence, listing is okay. Think of the plan of development as a preview of your main themes. Example: William Shakespeare s Macbeth shows how characters can be corrupted by power. Macbeth, the main character of the play, usurps a King he respects. The protagonist also kills his own allies whom he sees are a threat. Macbeth also ignores the suffering of his family. Even this could be shortened, but you get the general idea.
Thesis - What you used to write William Shakespeare s Macbeth shows how characters can be corrupted by power. Macbeth, the main character of the play, usurps a King he respects. The protagonist also kills his own allies whom he sees are a threat. Macbeth also ignores the suffering of his family. William Shakespeare s Macbeth shows that the dominant theme of the play is power corrupts. - Grade 9 and 10 rulebook says have a general thesis. This is TOO general for the university level.
Thesis - Try this instead: William Shakespeare s Macbeth shows how characters can be corrupted by power. Macbeth, the main character of the play, usurps a King he respects. The protagonist also kills his own allies whom he sees are a threat. Macbeth also ignores the suffering of his family. William Shakespeare s Macbeth shows how a person will sacrifice the lives of others to gain power for themselves - This statement is more refined and reflects your analysis. - Even better would be if you examined the criteria for what makes a moral decision in the pursuit of power.
Transitions, Part 1 - Firstly, secondly, thirdly = these transitions will not work for university level papers! I need to be able to shift your paragraphs around like lego pieces and still make sense of your essay. Here s an example for your first body paragraph: AVOID: Firstly, Macbeth kills his King in order to gain more power. INSTEAD: Macbeth s lust for power begins when he plots to kill King Duncan, the ruler of Scotland. * The second example echoes the wording of the thesis from your previous paragraph, while beginning to introduce a new topic.
Body Paragraphs Link/Topic sentence: Macbeth s lust for power begins when he plots to the kill King Duncan, the ruler of Scotland, after receiving a prophecy that he will rise to the throne. Point: Macbeth kills Duncan, despite the fact that the King holds him a high regard. Proof: Duncan shows his admiration of Macbeth when he says,...only I have left to say,/ More is they due than more than all can pay (Shakespeare, 1.4 20-21). Comment: Duncan says that he does not have enough to reward Macbeth for his heroism, thus hinting he will provide him opportunities of power in the future. Concluding Sentence (LINK TO THESIS): Although Macbeth knows that the King will reward his success, he kills Duncan anyways, thus proving that Macbeth is corrupted by his quest for power.
Transitions, Part 2 Concluding Sentence (from 1st body paragraph): Although Macbeth knows that the King will reward his success, he kills Duncan anyways, thus proving that Macbeth is corrupted by his quest for power. AVOID: Secondly, Macbeth kills his own friends to fulfill his personal agenda. INSTEAD: Not only does Macbeth kill authority figures, but he also sacrifices his friendships to secure his power. Banquo, for example, is a character loyal to Macbeth but
Conclusion: A Reminder of What s Important 1) Restate your thesis, in different words: William Shakespeare s Macbeth shows how a person will sacrifice the lives of others to gain power for themselves. William Shakespeare s Macbeth demonstrates that people will secure power through the destruction of others. *AVOID: using the words To conclude, in Summary, All in All - I already know your last paragraph is a conclusion. 2) Briefly outline your Plan of Development. Then, end with a thought provoking statement that mirrors the beginning of your essay.