MIRTH NATION The Best Contemporary Humor SUB GSttingen 214 739 147 2002 A 1381 Edited by MICHAEL J. ROSEN Perennial ^An Imprint o
Contents Introduction by MICHAEL J. ROSEN 1 HENRY ALFORD "You'll Never Groom Dogs in 9 This Town Again!" Cafe Manhattan 27 The Young Man and the Sea 30 How to Be Difficult 36 KURT ANDERSEN The Yanni Files 43 DAVID BADER A Prayer for Bill Clinton 46 DAVE BARRY Independence Day 49 Parlez-Vous Francois? 53 An Aesthetically Challenged 56 American in Paris (Part II) ROY BLOUNT JR. You Could Look Me Up... Sometime 62 I Go to Golf School 70 ZEV BOROW A Graceland for Adolf 83 Upcoming House Votes 86
x Contents DAVID BOUCHIER Let's Hear It for Cheerleaders 89 Lapses of Photographic Memories 93 A Year-Round Tan for the Asking 96 The Bane of Every Vacation: Souvenirs 99 CHRISTOPHER BUCKLEY Memo from Coach 105 As I Was Saying to Henry Kissinger... 108 FRANK CAMMUSO AND HART SEELY Away from It All 118 Give One for the Team 121 RICH COHEN God, Help Me! 125 Autumn of the Matriarch 128 CATHY CRIMMINS Future Schlock 137 PRUDENCE CROWTHER What We Told the Kids 146 Un Caballo in Maschera 148 MICHAEL FELDMAN The Midwest: Where Is It? 154 BILL FRANZEN Come Stay with Us 158 Desert Surprise: Saddam Picks Bill 162 Return Saddam's Limo... Now! 165 IAN FRAZIER Laws Concerning Food and Drink; 170 Household Principles; Lamentations of the Father
Contents xi FRANK GANNON Flowers of Evil: 175 Ask Charles Baudelaire Authors with the Most 178 Long Day's Journey into Abs 181 Yankee, Come Home 185 VERONICA GENG AND GARRISON KEILLOR A Good Man Is Hard to Keep: 191 The Correspondence of Flannery O'Connor and S. J. Perelman VERONICA GENG Testing, Testing... 197 The Cheese Stands Alone 201 Post-Euphoria 204 CHRIS HARRIS Why Are Kids So Dumb? 213 Clarifications 218 What We talk About When We 223 Talk About Little Green Men Design Intervention 225 PAUL HELLMAN Too Late to Become a Gondolier? 232 Me and My Delusions 236 Eating the Desk 239 Into the Giga Jungle 242 DAVID IVES The Hidden Life of Rocks 248 Degas, C'estMoi 252 You Say Tomato, I Say Tomorrow 256 Chicken a la Descartes 261
xii Contents JAY JENNINGS Even More Memoirs by Love Bug More Mergers Even More McCourts 265 269 272 CHRIS KELLY Rejected Polls 275 JOSH KORNBLUTH Driving Mr. Crazy 280 Red Diaper Baby 286 FRAN LEBOWITZ Money 298 FRANZ LIDZ Trout 314 Jump in' Jiminy 318 Space Travel Food 321 FRANZ LIDZ AND STEVE RUSHIN Piscopo Agonistes 325 SANDRA TSING LOH The Way of the Ear 338 Eleventh-Hour Bride 343 MERRILL MARKOE I Network with Angels 347 Phone Hex 353 Birthdays: So Now What? 356 PATRICIA MARX Things That Are Confusing 364 How and Why Book of Magnets 368 Joyce Maynard Looking Back 375 Bad Numbers 380
Contents xiii DANIEL MENAKER Sunken Treasure 384 HOWARD MOHR One Guy's TV 387 After This Word from Motel 3 392 O.J.: The Trial of the Next Century 395 Scrambling for Dollars 401 Gambling in the Schools, 405 MARK O'DONNELL Diary of a Genius 410 TV Guide, Soon 414 My Genetic Memories 426 The Last Publicist on Earth 429 P. J. O'ROURKE Memoir Essay 436 SAMUEL PICKERING JR. March 441 DANIEL RADOSH No Strings Attached 460 Ferret-Face 463 Barnes Ennobled 468 DANIEL RADOSH AND JOHN ABOUD T.G.I.Y2K! 472 DAVID RAKOFF All Happy Families... 479 Christmas Freud 483 El Nino Has a Headache 491 In New England Everyone Calls you Dave 495 MICHAEL RUBINER The Million Millionaires March 502
xiv Contents WingTsu 505 T. S. Eliot Interactive 509 Buy Me 513 BILL SCHEFT Rejected Celebrity Cab Announcements 517 Conspir-U.S.-cy History 521 Dysfunctional Adult Education Catalogue 524 The All-Purpose Concession Speech 534 DAVID SEDARIS Front Row Center with Thaddeus Bristol 539 STEPHEN SHERRILL Humor Thy Father 544 STEPHEN SHERRILL AND PAUL TOUGH Khmer Roue 547 Taking the A Train to Early Retirement 550 BOB SMITH A Few Notes on Sex Education 555 JON STEWART The Last Supper, or The Dead Waiter Pen Pals GARRY TRUDEAU I Am a Tip-Top Starlet To Our Valued Customers Getting Over Getting Stoned JOHN UPDIKE Manifesto Glad Raes 561 567 578 581 584 587 590
Contents xv COLLEEN WERTHMANN From: Corporate Communications 593 at CRT3O1 A Note About the Editor 597 A Note About the Type 599 Index by AL FRANKEN 601 About the Contributors 605