To: Benjamin Pluemer From: Christopher Noel Title: E-A-D-G-B-E I find your composition in which you define music to be enjoyable. Your discussion of the various emotions that music represents and often evokes in listeners is compelling. By addressing the emotional component of music, you certainly show music as the universal language utilized by people as an expression of the human condition. I agree with your statement in the first paragraph that music ties humans together and plays a role in everyday life. Your essay focuses upon human emotion and how music reflects, soothes, or celebrates these feelings. In your paper, I discover personal examples of how music has affected you during your life. You utilize examples that represent serious times such as a funeral, as well as lighter experiences such as when you mention taking music lessons. This helps the reader not only grasp what an eclectic selection of music exists, but also how it can impact life in different ways at various times, some mundane and others pivotal. In the third paragraph of your composition, you mention that music can be calming, which establishes a point to which many people can relate. Often people use music to relax after a stressful day. Readers will be able to connect with that and certainly draw a parallel to their own lives, no matter what type of music they might enjoy to help them unwind. I am impressed by the section in which you talk about music being used to inspire. You mention in the fifth paragraph, It will inspire people to go workout, go volunteer, or protest. These are powerful words that communicate the exact outcome that can be achieved by simply listening to a specific song or artist. Music is a powerful art form and I find your explanation and convincing words exceptionally effective. I appreciate the sixth paragraph where you state,
Music expresses other emotions that no one likes to feel. This is a profoundly powerful, true statement. It helps bolster the section and makes the clear point that music can serve as an avenue for speaking the unspeakable. This is a powerful concept to which I think readers will connect, especially if they have experienced adversity, sadness, or despair. Many times music will address difficult and life changing experiences, which can make listeners feel less alone in their anguish. You make it clear that music profoundly affects people, and you also point out why music is important in your life. In spite of its creativity, I find your title E-A-D-G-B-E to be somewhat confusing. I do understand the title is a reference to musical notes; I believe these are the six strings on a guitar. However, I wonder if most readers will comprehend the connection. Furthermore, your paper addresses many wonderful ideas about how music impacts human life and emotional health, but it really doesn't delve into the technical, mechanical aspects of music such as notes, scales, harmonies or rhythms. Explore another way to creatively tackle the title that truly represents your premise and creates continuity with the composition. Another suggestion I have involves introducing the concept of negation throughout this paper. You never mention what music is not. Mentioning what is not considered music will provide strength and clarity to your definition. Is music a baby crying or a child banging on a pan? Is music a jack hammer pounding away at the concrete? Is music any rhythmic sound such as water dripping or a cricket chirping? What makes sounds be just sounds and music truly be music? Is the definition of sounds versus music subject to interpretation? If so, what impacts interpretation--age, gender, culture, world view, life experiences? Exploring what is and what is not music, and why, would add a whole new dimension to your paper.
Throughout your paper, you begin to mention personal experiences, which is wonderful and interesting, but I am always left wanting more. I would like to see you develop those obviously important life experiences a little further; tell the reader more about the event and the personal impact of music related to that event. You repeatedly mention how music reflects feelings and how it impacts people, so show it! Take those little teaser examples throughout the paper and develop them into something more than just one sentence. I find it far more interesting to hear about a meaningful firsthand experience, than some abstract explanation. Explain a little more about the feelings you experienced at your uncle's funeral when It's a Beautiful Morning played. Detail for the reader how others at the funeral reacted. I can only imagine that it must have been a powerful event, so tell me about it. Likewise, I would encourage you to go into more detail about the music lessons you are currently taking. How does it make you feel? Why do you continue? You have an opportunity to take the reader on the emotional journey that you define as music. You could incorporate all kinds of vivid accounts of how music reflects human emotion and helps define the human experience. For example, describe a widow's reaction of sadness mixed with pride as taps plays at the graveside of a fallen hero, her 27-year-old husband. Describe the joy of children dancing at a Sesame Street Live show as their favorites, Elmo and Big Bird, take the stage. All of this will add creditability to your assertion of the emotional power of music and its impact on human life. Regarding mechanics, you remain in the present tense throughout most of the paper and your spelling and punctuation are excellent. Furthermore, I would like to compliment you on organizing the paragraphs according to the essay instructions. Within the paragraphs, you use a nice blend of short and long sentences, which make for pleasant cadence for the reader, much like a good rhythmic melody in a musical selection. In the first paragraph, you repeatedly use
short sentences that all begin with the same word: "Music! Music means many things. Music is made by many. Music divides us from other species." This adds dramatic effect, capturing the reader's attention and clearly announces the composition's topic. I am concerned by two contradictory paragraphs in your essay. In the eighth paragraph, you state, "Music takes skill. Not everyone possesses the needed skills, but these skills can be taught." I suggest some changes to this statement and other sentences in this paragraph as well to achieve consistency with your overall message that music can be enjoyed by all. I find the second to last paragraph on page four to also be contradictory. The premise of your paper is that all human beings can appreciate music, yet in this paragraph you state that individuals with formal music education or technical musical skills are music connoisseurs. You compare their superior appreciation of music to a hockey player's superiority in understanding the technical aspects of a hockey game and thus appreciating watching the game more than a less informed spectator. If "music ties humans together emotionally" as stated in your first paragraph, then whether a person has had a music appreciation class, plays a musical instrument, or understands music theory has little to do with his or her ability to connect emotionally with music or feel its impact in his or her life. Thank you for the opportunity to read your paper; I appreciate your message about the power of music. By focusing on adding details that expand your examples, you will have a more complete composition. Throughout your paper, I can sense your passion for music, but your fervor is never fully conveyed to the reader. I feel as though your deep love of music is hinted at, but never completely expressed. By using stories and examples, you can share with the reader how music evokes emotions and strong memories with the power to transport people to a different place and time. By adding more detailed, personal examples to the text, you can take
the reader along to those pivotal moments that music has played in your life and the lives of others. I hope my ideas will be constructive and help you develop this paper to its fullest potential. I wish you the best of luck. Sincerely, Christopher Noel