HARMLESS GAY KLEPTOMANIAC BY GEOFF ROSE-MICHAEL Extract A SMITH SCRIPT This script is protected by copyright laws. No performance of this script -IN ANY MEDIA may be undertaken without payment of the appropriate fee and obtaining a licence. For further information, please contact SMITH SCRIPTS at info@smithscripts.co.uk
Harmless Gay Kleptomaniac By Geoff Rose-Michael Characters Sally Andy (wearing a false goatee beard) Mel Jack WPC Atkinson Sally opens the door of her flat, expecting it to be her friend, and Andy, a camp kleptomaniac, bursts in, pleading for her to hide him, following a misunderstanding at a local jewellery store. The set consists of a coffee table with either two armchairs and a pouffe, or a three seater sofa. This is the minimum basic set required, though other furniture can be added. Sally: (On mobile phone.) Anyway, what are you doing phoning me from home? I thought you were at the theatre tonight? (Pause.) Mum, why did you walk out in the interval? (Pause.) What did it say in the programme? (Long pause.) No, mum, that s not what it means when it says act two is a month later. (Looking at her watch.) Look, I ve got to go. My friend Mel is due over in about ten minutes, though she s normally late. (Sound effect of a rapid knock on the door.) Sally: Though today it looks like she is early. (Sally exits to door.) Sally: (Offstage.) Hello? Andy: (Enters, running. He wears a false goatee beard, a black hoodie and black trousers, and a holdall.) Thanks.
Sally: (Offstage.) What? Who are you? Andy: (Calling off.) Shut the door. Sally: (Entering.) Who are you? Get out of my flat. Andy: I ll do it, then. (He exits, re-enters and sighs.) That s better. Sally: What s better? Get out. Andy: Ok. Just listen. Sally: No, I will not listen. Get out of my flat. Andy: Hang up. I need to talk to you. Sally: What? Andy: Hang up. Please? Sally: (To phone.) I ll talk to you tomorrow, mum. (She taps a key on her phone and puts the mobile phone down.) What s going on? Who are you? Andy: I need your help. Sally: Who are you, first? Andy: You can call me Andy. Sally: What are you doing, barging into my house? Oh my God, you re a serial rapist. Andy: Honey, you re quite safe. I butter my toast on the other side. Sally: Oh. Okay. Andy: Listen, do you want to earn a hundred pounds? Sally: What? Andy: Very simple. Do you want to earn a hundred pounds? Sally: Errr. Andy: Will you help me? For a hundred pounds? Sally: Nothing illegal, though.
Andy: No. Nothing like that. (Pause.) Well, maybe a little bit. Sally: What, then? Andy: I just need to hide for a little while. Sally: From the police? Andy: No. Well, yes, sort of. Sally: Oh God, are you an escaped prisoner? Andy: No, no. Sally: What then, did you rob a bank? Andy: Enough of the twenty questions. Look, I need to change my appearance. Where s your bathroom? Sally: Through there. (She points.) But hang on. (Andy exits.) Andy: (Offstage, calling.) Listen, it s nothing too sordid. Sally: (Calling.) Why do you need to change your appearance then? Andy: (Offstage, calling.) Alright, there are a lot of policemen out looking for me, and I need to disappear. Sally: (Calling.) So you are an escaped prisoner? Andy: (Offstage, calling.) No, I ve never been to prison. And I m not about to start. Sally: (Calling.) What have you done then? Oh God, you re not a mass murderer? Andy: (Offstage, calling.) Oh come off, I wouldn t hurt a fly. Sally: Oh. Okay. (Calling.) So, why are you running? Andy: (Offstage, calling.) A small matter of a misunderstanding. Over some jewellery. Sally: (Calling.) Oh, you re a thief. Andy: (Offstage, calling.) I like to call it kleptomania.
Sally: (Calling.) Klepto-what? Andy: (Offstage, calling.) Look it up. It s having a fixation about wanting to take things. Especially sparkly things. (Sally covers her necklace.) Sally: (Calling.) Like a magpie? Andy: (Offstage, calling.) Very much like a magpie. It s alright honey, I won t be after your necklace. Sally: (Calling.) Are you the one responsible for the theft of the diamonds from Cut Above? Andy: (Offstage, calling.) You know about that? Sally: (Calling.) Yes, it was on the local radio ten minutes ago. Andy: (Offstage, calling.) Already? What did they say? Sally: (Calling.) That someone allegedly made off with some valuable pieces of jewellery in a clever deception. Andy: (Offstage, calling.) How did they describe me? Sally: (Calling.) I think it was average height and build, and goatee beard. Andy: (Offstage, calling.) That s why I need to change my appearance. Sally: (Calling.) So what do you need me to do? Andy: (Offstage, calling.) Pretend that I m your boyfriend. And I will pay you a hundred pounds. Sally: (Calling.) If the police knock on the door, asking if we ve seen anyone? Andy: (Offstage, calling.) We say no, we were having a quite evening in, watching television. Sally: (Calling.) I don t have one. Andy: (Offstage, calling.) What? Sally: (Calling.) A television. Andy: (Offstage, calling.) Haven t you? Okay. We ll think of something else. Sally: (Calling.) What?
Andy: (Offstage, calling.) I don t know. We ll tell them we were having sex. Sally: Errr. Andy: (Offstage, calling.) If we open the door with no clothes on, the police won t stay long. Trust me. Sally: (To herself.) Really? Andy: (Offstage, calling.) Yes, they will see we have nothing to hide. Sally: (Calling.) Errr. Might need to thing of something else. I m not that comfortable with full frontal nudity. Andy: (Offstage, calling.) Spoilsport. Anyway, what s your name? Sally: (Calling.) Sally. Andy: (Offstage, calling.) Hi, call me Andy. Sally: (Calling.) And how long have we supposedly been together? Andy: (Offstage, calling.) Ooh, I don t know, let me think. A few months or so? Sally: (Calling.) A few months? Gosh, that s pretty good going. My relationships don t normally last longer than about twenty minutes. Andy: (Offstage, calling.) Join the club. My record was eight minutes, including taking his boots off. Sally: (Calling.) So, where did we meet? Andy: (Offstage, calling.) Online? Sally: (Calling.) Oh no, that s too corny. Andy: (Offstage, calling.) Alright, on holiday, in Spain. We don t live together, which is why my clothes aren t here. Sally: (Calling.) That sounds plausible. And how old are you? Andy: (Offstage, calling.) Darling, you can t ask a girl her age. Sally: (Calling.) Alright, how old do you want to be? Andy: (Offstage, calling.) That s better. I love a bit of role play too. I m twenty seven.
Sally: (Calling.) And I m twenty nine. Really. Andy: (Offstage, calling.) Okay. Sally: (Calling.) So if the police call here asking if we have seen a camp man with a goatee beard. (Andy enters, his facial stubble removed.) Andy: (In a deeper voice.) We say no, officer. We haven t. Sally: Wow, you look different. Andy: Is that a compliment? Sally: You look quite handsome now. Much better without the beard. Andy: Thank you. Sally: You re welcome. (Pause.) And you re not some crazy axe murderer? Andy: The only thing I could murder is a stiff drink. Sally: Right. By the way, how do I know that you will pay me after we ve done this? Andy: I will show you the money. Sally: (Mimicking an actor.) Show me the money! (He opens the holdall and hands her a wad of notes.) Andy: Here. One hundred pounds. Sally: (Taking it.) Wow. You did mean it. Where did this come from? Is it stolen? Andy: No. Technically, the money is not stolen. Sally: Oh good. Andy: Look, you won t be charged as an accomplice. I ll vouch for you. Sally: Really? Andy: Of course. I m a kleptomaniac, not a liar. Sally: So where is the stuff you stole? In the holdall?
Andy: (He shakes his head.) Borrowed, not stole. I m probably going to give it back. Best that you don t know where it is. But I do have a favour to ask. Sally: Go on. Andy: Do you have any clothes I can put on. Something not so Sally: Black? Andy: Yes. Something your boyfriend or an ex left behind. Sally: Er, don t have one of those. I haven t got any men s stuff as such, but I might be able to dig up an old t-shirt and jeans. Andy: We re about the same size? Sally: Slightly different size bottoms, perhaps. Andy: (Looking at her.) Maybe. Sally: I ll see what I can find. Andy: Okay. (Sally exits.) Sally: (Offstage, calling.) So do you do this sort of thing often? Ask to borrow women s clothes? Andy: (Looking out of the window.) Actually, no. No, tell the truth, I borrowed a dress from a girl friend when I entered a drag contest at my local. Sally: (Offstage, calling.) I see. How did you get on? Andy: I got booed off. I did a Britney Spears song. Sally: (Offstage, calling.) Karaoke style? Andy: Yes. I forgot the words, tripped on the stage and was apparently flat. Sally: (Offstage, calling.) Oops, I did it again? Andy: Something like that. It was rigged anyway. The guy that won was a pro. (Andy removes his black hoodie.)