True Story by Rayna McKinley 1 Characters: True Story A Short Play by Rayna McKinley JEFF: Late 20s/mid-30s. Abrasive. Content with the boredom in his marriage. Sarcastic. He is wearing a casual suit. LINDA: Married to Jeff. Same age. Cunning. Feels the same boredom that Jeff does, but she is not as content. Needs excitement. She is wearing a yellow dress. WAITER: Any age. Wearing black pants, a black shirt, and a white apron. Carries a tray. LIGHTS UP on JEFF and LINDA at a small table, down center. There are two couple up right and up left. Each table has a small candle, a basket of rolls, and a tablecloth. LINDA: Oh, Jeff! I m so glad we can go out like this! Do you think your folks mind taking Billy? JEFF: After all the prodding from my mom for grandkids, she better be willing to babysit! Imitating his mother It s been eight years. What, you can t get Linda to put out yet? They laugh. JEFF flags down the WAITER. JEFF: Waiter! Excuse me. I d like to order something special for my beautiful wife, Linda, here. Could we have a bottle of your freshest wine? JEFF s the only one to laugh. WAITER rolls his eyes and exits. LINDA: In college, we took a girl out for her 21st birthday and that s exactly what she said to the bartender! True story! JEFF: Well, I should hope so. You ve told it a million times! LINDA: Well, maybe if you didn t keep making that joke JEFF: Hey! It s new to him, OK? It probably made his night to have customers as cool as us! LINDA: pointedly Right. They study their menus. LINDA peaks over at JEFF, then looks back at her menu. She looks at JEFF again. She folds her menu and places it back on the table. LINDA: I know a story I haven t told you. JEFF: Still reading If it s about the squirrel at the ATM again...
True Story by Rayna McKinley 2 LINDA: No, no. This one is brand new. Swear to God. JEFF does not lower his menu. He sounds interested, but it is clear that he is not very invested in the conversation. JEFF: Alright! Let s hear it! LINDA: Once, I was at a party and this girl introduced me to her brother and used the wrong name. She was an idiot and I didn t want to offend anyone, so I went with it! Anyway, I dated him for almost a year! I was new in town! I figured What the Hell? New town, new name! JEFF: What did she call LINDA: Linda. JEFF lowers his menu slightly. JEFF: That s your name. LINDA: Well, your sister IS a bit slow JEFF closes his menu and slams it on the table. JEFF: You didn t! LINDA: I mean, my name is Linda NOW. It used to be Lisa. I changed it when you proposed. I figured the altar wouldn t be the best place to find out about something like that. JEFF: And our tenth anniversary is? LINDA: Oh, like this story ruined a magical evening at Stefano s Sicilian Shack. JEFF: We come here every year! It s where we had our first date, remember? LINDA: I hated it then, too! JEFF laughs. LINDA: What s wrong with you? JEFF: You think you hate it here? This place is my own personal Hell! LINDA: Rolling her eyes Oh, come on... JEFF: That hostess over there? She s been blackmailing me!
True Story by Rayna McKinley 3 LINDA: Blackmailing you? For what? JEFF: About $250 a month. LINDA: That s not what Wait. You mean to say that $250 of our money has been going to her every month for ten years? JEFF: No! LINDA: Oh, thank God. JEFF: I d say it s closer to 15 by now. LINDA: How could this happen? JEFF: I told you it was for a golf membership! LINDA: You don t play? JEFF: Only putt putt! LINDA: That s impossible! JEFF: It s not like I ever needed to! LINDA: You teach golf! JEFF: Like you re so perfect! LINDA: OK, Mr. Blackmailed by a 90 lb. cocktail waitress! You want a secret? I ll give you a secret! My father hates you! JEFF: Please! I knew that! LINDA: Because I told him you were a serial killer! JEFF: Why would you do that? LINDA: He kept making all these comments about how you wouldn t go hunting with him so I said you only hunted man on your grandfather s property in Quebec. JEFF: Linda, this could get me arrested! LINDA throws her silverware on the ground. LINDA: My name s not Linda! JEFF stands and picks up his fork and stabs a dinner roll. JEFF: Dammit, woman! There are gasps from the other couples. They are staring at JEFF
True Story by Rayna McKinley 4 and LINDA, both of whom are now standing, but they both quickly sit back down sit down, covering their faces with their menus. The WAITER steps upstage of their table. WAITER: Do we have a problem? Embarrassed, JEFF and LINDA lower their menus. JEFF: No, sir, no problem. LINDA: In fact, I d like to order the Caesar salad with steak, medium rare. WAITER: And for you, sir? JEFF: I ll have the fillet of Fred. The WAITER looks confused and LINDA rolls her eyes. WAITER: The the what, sir? JEFF: You heard me. LINDA: Don t mind him. It was a joke. He ll have the pasta primavera. JEFF: No! I want meat! Human meat! Bring me a plate of man steaks! Pile em high! LINDA: to JEFF Please! JEFF: To the WAITER They just aren t as good when you don t make them yourself. LINDA: You re making a scene! JEFF: No! Making a scene would be telling you that your cooking makes me want to vomit! LINDA: Good! It s supposed to! The WAITER casually sneaks away while the two of them fight. JEFF: That dress makes you look like a lemon! LINDA: I got a dog without telling you! JEFF: I bought a car without telling you! LINDA: The dog ran away! JEFF: I crashed the car to claim insurance and pay blackmail money!
True Story by Rayna McKinley 5 LINDA: I spray painted our house last Halloween! JEFF: I never loved you! JEFF is now standing behind his chair. He shakes his chair. The room is silent again. This time, neither of them seems to notice. LINDA is still seated. LINDA: Do you really mean that? JEFF: still on a bit of a roll Yes! LINDA: Really? JEFF: letting down No. I mean, I lied to you about the blackmail, right? LINDA crosses to him and puts her arms around him. LINDA: And I changed my name for you didn t I? JEFF: And I put up with your cooking! LINDA: And I ignored daddy s threats to call the police! JEFF: And I arranged to have my other family kidnapped by terrorists! LINDA lets go. LINDA: What? JEFF turns and takes a few steps downstage. JEFF: And if that s not love, I don t know what is! LINDA: So... you do love me? JEFF gets down on one knee. JEFF: I love you, whatever your name is. Always have. Always will. LINDA: True story? JEFF: True story. JEFF stands. They embrace. BLACKOUT THE END