ACT I The Introductory Note Empty Stage, with a Single Table and a Chair. Queen Isabella is sitting, filing her nails. The walks in. (addresses audience) In 1491, Columbus sailed the seas in a bid to discover a "THE SHORTEST ROUTE" to India. He landed in America. This is the story of what went wrong. DISCLAIMER: None of the characters in this play resemble anyone at LearningMate, If someone tells you otherwise, don't believe it. He is about to leave the stage, stops... (Leaving the stage now...) We start with the sales pitch at the chambers of her excellence Queen Isabella of Spain... Exit. The Sale and the Start (sounding bored) Oh! all right! Send him in... Queen's phone rings. She picks up... Columbus enters stage, smiles, glib. Struts up to Queen Isabella. Gives a flourishing bow. (keeps running fingers thru the hair on his head, like a filmi hero) 1
Your Highness. भ य न भ ह Columbus. प म य स र ग भयझ "यफ क " कहत ह...And I, am an "M", "B", "A". Her Highness Queen Isabella कहत ह क...इयश द baby!!! Okay, My Queen. I have a PROPOSAL for you. हभ Arabia स "Spices" फहयत भ हग खय दत ह. I'll discover "THE SHORTEST ROUTE" to India. Queen looks lost. She has no clue. In addition she is bored. फपय अऩन direct connection, औय market ऩय अऩन ह य ज! ऩ स ह ऩ स!!! फहयत profitable venture ह. फस my Queen, एक फ य ह कह द. "ऩ स " is all Queen understood. She is interested, but still confused. Without thinking much she utters... ह???? Uh! Oh! Thank you so much My Queen. You won't regret it. क यम फक भ य न भ Columbus ह, औय र ग प म य स भयझ यफ क ऐस ह नह कहत...hehehe... Columbus exits stage. Queen is confused, picks up the phone, says... इस sailor क न भ क यम थ? यफ क? Columbus? Yah, yah okay...whatever... She gets up and lazily walks away, off the stage. From the opposite end, starts walking in again. Behind him, the TEAM and Columbus walk up to the table and 2
settle...waiting for the to leave the stage... एक धभ क द य sale close हयई. द फदन फ द थ (marks these words in air quotes) "THE SHORTEST ROUTE" क kickoff meeting... walks off stage. ACT II The Project KickOff Meeting Columbus is looking excited. Walking up and down the stage. Sometimes, sitting, sometimes standing up and pacing around again. The rest of the team is standing around the table (or somewhere close...)in anticipation. All are really excited. द स त! भ र भ र ह ज ए ग!!! भस त opportunity भभर ह! We have to discover "THE SHORTEST ROUTE" to INDIA!!! Hearing this the entire team gets excited, and start talking to each other, all speaking together, expressing their initial excitement. Columbus watches on... INDIA? YAY! INDIA!!! भज आए ग! ओsss फ ट क! INDIA!!! सह ह!!! ख तयन क!!! ज ड त ड भ कसभ MAN!!! YAAH! INDIA!!! MAN!!! SHORTEST ROUTE!!! 3
भ नभसक फदभ ग INDIA!!! INDIA!!! INDIA!!! अफ म य!!! INDIA!!! INDIA!!! द स त! Idea द! द खन अफ तयभ सफ क यम famous ह ज ओग! औय भ क यम अभ य ह ज ऊ ग! द स त! फस अफ भयझ IDEAS द!!! क यम क यम कयन क ह... (looks at each one, while saying..) Kyon Teelu ख न भ य द स त!,! कय छ स च न!, भ नभसक! क यम फ रत ह!, ज ड ट ड! सफकय छ चरन भ गत ह! Team members speak one after the other, no one listening to anyone else, just putting in their bit of excited ideas. (Note: They speak in quick succession, but not together...) ज ड त ड MAN! Test Driven Development कय ग. As a Tester, MAN!भ क यम फत ओन क यम क यम भस त ideas आ यह ह MAN! आफ चयऩ! अऩन क यम च फहए भ र भ ह क यम? कभ fuel रग, औय speed ज म द भभर... ह! ह! भ एक नम engine फन त ह न! औय Ship ब भस त redesign कयत ह... भ नभसक फदभ ग (moving a little away from everyone...) अफ तयभ र ग भ य allocation द ख र ह! ऩहर फत द त ह... ह! भज आ यह ह न? YEAH! (totally ignoring भ नभसक) औय हभ र ग ह न, एक compass ब रग ए ग ship भ... 4
(abruptly, interrupting everyone...) अच छ p"accessibility" क यम -क यम ह ग? Suddenly the team enthu drops a few degrees... Accessibility? अय ब ई! Queen क Law ह! अऩन क अ ध ऩमलरक ब च फहए ship ऩय! उन र ग Indian spices स घ क फत एग! अकर क अ ध... भ नभसक फदभ ग (shaking his head) (apprehensive) द खन ऩड ग, भ engine भ modifications कय द ग. (trying to impress Columbus) ह ज एग! ह ज एग! So ARE WE SET TO ROCK!!! (business like) त अऩन arrival date कब ह? Everyone starts saying YES!! YAY!! again, looks like the enthu is coming back...when Arrival date? ऩय ऩहर भ य engine... is interrupted by Teelu ख न 5
Arrival date? अब क यम ऩत क हभ India कफ ऩहय च ग? अब त क ई planning ब नह क ह... त let's plan! The Planning Game Team leaves stage for a short second and brings chairs with them, these they put around the table, and go into a silent animated discussion. In the mean time the peeks in from the side of the stage, says... And... so we come to the planning game... and leaves immediately. At the same time Columbus enters Stage from the opposite end and starts meeting... ह त Guys! I am sorry, I am late,ऩय तयभ र ग time स आम थ न! okay! tell me! कह तक ऩ हयच? क यम estimate ह? (counting on fingers, like a small businessman) द भह न r&d, च य भह न design, आठ ज न क, आठ आन क, औय द भह न क documentation, almost द स र रगन व र ह! OOH! AAH! HMM! It's big! It's a big one man! ज ड त ड (again abruptly cutting everyone out) Okay, Abhi, Queen ko द हफ त भ final report च फहए, भ न commitment द फदम ह. 6
ऩय हभस ऩ छन थ न!!! ऐस क स??? भ नभसक फदभ ग Columbus totally ignores भ नभसक again...there is a general uproar, eveyone starts making noises... Too less time! भसफ travelling भ एक-ड ढ स र ज एग! क यम? मह त "THE SHORTEST ROUTE" ह न? ऩय द weeks? अब त भ य engine ब नह फन... (assuming mock sobriety, as if he cares - he doesn't) Guys I hate to say this, but, We'll have to work on the weekends too. There is general silence for a second...everyone was dreading this... In fact, 2 weeks mean 14 days and 14 nights, भतरफ we essentially have total 28 days...द ख! आय भ स द क च य! चर अब द क जगह च य हफ त फदम...भयझ त भस त रग यह ह... भ नभसक listens to Columbus with growing dread औय रगबग 300 expert resources... (doesn't let Teelu finish, shows mock aggression, anger) आफ चर न, 30 fresh new freshers फदम, म resourcesresources य न फ द क म य भ य स भन... 7
भ नभसक listens to Columbus with growing dread, and then faints... Everyone is Silent, when reappears. And the planning game still goes on... does not exit, he just turns and keeps watching... अऩन क फकस ड इय न भ ज न क ह? Hmmm... assume कय र. फ द भ compass भ द ख र न. Compass रग न क फ द direction ब स चन ऩड त compass क फ मद क यम? Actually compass should also do accounting on the ship. औय क यम रगत ह, फकतन द य ह ग India? फपय वह फ त! "THE SHORTEST ROUTE" ह, फकतन द य ह सकत ह? Assume कय र! C'mon guys! Don't give me problems... give me solutions... And the planning game still goes on... Again everyone falls silent, turns to the audience... does not exit, he just turns and keeps watching... Why do we need a new ship? Where is REUSABILITY??? Let's reuse our old one.let's use Noah's ARK. ज ड त ड Noah's Ark क भरए compass अरग स testing कयन ऩड ग... 8
(Picking up भ नभसक, who is feeling better...) Par... Noah's Ark भ त भसफ 15 जन ह आत ह? अऩन crew त 30 freshers क ह...क श 300 experts... त shifts भ क भ नह कय सकत क यम? भतरफ? Shift भ आध Ship ऩय यह, औय फ क ऩ छ ऩ छ swimming कयत आओ... भ नभसक faints again... turns to audience and says... And as I just said... It just goes on... and on... This time goes off stage... औय ऩमलरक क ख न ऩ न स ड स वग यह...??? (cutting him short too...) अय ए ब ई! अऩन इधय IDLE TIME क क ई क न स प ट नह ह. व ऩ न व र ऩ न भ क यम कय ग? स ड स फ तर भ सफ ऩ न भ कयन क. ज ड त ड (risking another suggestion before meeting breaks..) But I need to test the ship man! and I need to test the compass too... अय ए! PROTOTYPING नह सयन क यम! Ship क यम test कयन ह? भसफ bathroom क फ ल ट भ रख डड ट स ट कयर...दरयम भ चरन च फहए...औय सयन.. 9
Suddenly T.J. barges on to the set in a lot of urgency... No one is expecting him, he walks straght up to ज ड त ड and grabs his hand...(ज ड त ड, who in real life is Sid-Siddharth, attends cruel super late night calls for the "BFW" account with T.J.) T.J. Sid, चर म य ज य अऩन BFW क क र ह. फ द भ द ख र न, अब client फयर यह ह. (Shashank gets out of character to become the real life project manager for a second) अय T.J. ब ई व play भ ह... कह र ज यह ह... अफ tester क बफन क यम कय ग...? T.J. mumbles a non committal reply, but, takes ज ड त ड with him... (out of frustration...) C'mon guys! Don't give me problems... give me solutions...i don't know when you will learn to take up challenges!!! Quality is just an overhead!!! Columbus waits for a second and then pats Teelu ख न. (snapping to attention, time to set the team straight...) Okay guys! तयभ र ग planning औय setup भ ह स य time फफ द कय द ग... चर, get to work... Everyone gets up and moves off stage... 10
द स त! भयझ एक RISK रग यह ह! अगय भयझ कय छ ह गम त project ड फ ज एग. औय भ य क भ त य बफन नह चर ग... Oh! अफ क यम कय!!! भयझ रग यह ह क, हयभक मह र कन ऩड ग. Team क ship ऩ ब जत ह, औय अऩन र ग मह स remotely manage कयत ह. Wow! आऩ भस त solution स चत ह!!! (doing his fingers in his hair thingy again...) hehehe... भयझ र ग प म य स यफ क ऐस ह नह कहत... They walk off stage smiling, while the walks in again... ऩय planning eventually ख तभ ह ज त ह... and after some more time we come into PRODUCTION!!! EXECUTION!!! walks off stage. ACT III The journey We see Columbus and Teelu ख न sitting on the table. Columbus' legs are propped on the table. (totally relaxed, as if the last two days have been nothing but अइय म श ) Aahh! "Pure Management" भ ह न क मह त फ मद ह! 11
भ य क ब ख रग ह, त कय छ र ग क यम ख न क? चर भ अक र क order कयत ह, अच छ... Teelu ख न looks up to listen to more management gems...but, Teelu shakes head. ज ड त ड MAN! It's perfect! It works so well. but he cannot finish his statement, as ज ड त ड comes running to them... He has something in his hand. (back as Shashank for a second) What happened. आ गम त व ऩस. call क क यम हयआ... ज ड त ड (totally ignoring Columbus' comments) MAN! मह compass एकद भ भस त चर यह ह. स य tests ऩ स ह गम! आफ compass त य ऩ स थ?!?!! त ship ऩ क यम रग ह? क यम प ल तयभगय ह... phone कय. status report भ ग. Teelu ख न nods. In the mean time ज ड त ड keeps standing there... Hellow!! क यम चर यह ह! फकधय ज यह ह... 12
Sir! हभ सभ दय भ ह, औय, बफल कय र स ध ज यह ह. औय तयम ह य compass कह ह? Sir compass क testing ऩ य नह हयई थ. poor quality compass स हभ wrong direction भ चर ज त. स हभन compass भरम ह नह. This frustrates both Columbus and Teelu ख न, bloody developers, they always take the crucial decisions without informing their seniors. They both look at ज ड त ड, who shrugs. Bloody Developers. They always take the crucial decisions without informing!!! (trying to manage the situation) क ई Landmark फदख यह ह? Sir! हयभ य स भन sunrise ह यह ह! Abe! व! रगत ह east भ ज यह ह!!! उन ह u-turn र न क फ र!!! फ र west भ ज न क ह!!! सयन! Okay Sir! औय Sir! हभ थ ड थ ड न च क तयप ब ज यह ह! रगत ह Noah's Ark भ कय छ leaks थ... 13
क यम! Noah's Ark क testing फकसन कय थ... ज ड त ड (interrupting the conversation) भ न Noah's Ark क रख डड क ट मस ट ग कय थ... कय थ? ह, अऩन bathroom क tub भ. अफ सभ दय भ ज क द खन त थ!!! ज ड त ड ज ड त ड (shrugging, matter of factly) Client call ऩ ज न ऩड थ... Both Columbus and Teelu are feeling the strain now. Columbus is not playing with his hair. Teelu is not sitting... Sir! Boat थ ड औय न च चर गम. Ship स वजन कभ कय. ऩ च आदभ क फ र boat क ऩ छ फ क 15 क स थ swim कय. Okay sir! (screams to his ppl.) 5 aadmi boat ख र कय!!! Okay sir! Noah Ark's क maintainance फकसन कय थ... 14
Sir! भ नभसक फदभ ग न. व faint ह गम थ... स हभन उस development स support भ shift कय फदम थ... (to ज ड त ड, urgently) भ नभसक न support team join कयर? (imitating Columbus) क यम प ल तयभगय ह...जल द भ नभसक क ब ज! ज ड त ड exits in a hurry, and in a short time, भ नभसक enters, sulking, lazy... भ नभसक! Noah's Ark भ leaks थ? ह त! fix क यम नह फकए? भयझ फकस न नह फ र... भ नभसक फदभ ग भ नभसक फदभ ग (totally furious) फकस न नह फ र? Functional Specs कह ह?! Functional Specs कह ह! Sir! श मद आऩक ऩ स ह. हभ त कब भभर नह. At this भ नभसक starts smiling and skipping like a kid. Watching the frustrated managers is giving him great joy... 15
(looks and realizes that the specs are with him. quickly hides them under the seat) त क यम हयआ! इतन obvious च ज सभझ नह आत...!!! Columbus realizes that things are getting out of hand. He takes over. भ नभसक, support team इनक क यम भदद कय सकत ह? भ नभसक फदभ ग भयझ ऩहर Queen स एक mail भबजवओ! Now ignoring Columbus, भ नभसक starts moving off stage!!! (screaming after भ नभसक) ऩय mail servers त down ह!!!! भ नभसक moves off stage. still skipping. comes back on stage... Sir! boat भ अब ब ऩ न बय यह ह!!!! च भक! भ य द स त! ऐस situation भ भ तयझ ऩय ह depend कय सकत ह न. औय 15-20 र ग ऩ न भ ब ज द... Uh! Okay! sir 15-20 त अफ फच ब नह!!! Uh! anyway sir! okay sir! (shouts orders to colleagues) but the boat is still going down... 16
Sir! boat अब ब न च ज यह ह!!! च भक! भ य द स त! Crisis भ हय manager क अऩन ह थ ग द कयन ऩड त ह! त ब सभ दय भ क द ज! सफ भभरक boat क धक यक रग ओ!!! Columbus quickly cuts the call. UH!!! Bloody, ब तन क!!! स र crisis भ प म य स फ त कयक क भ भनकरव न ऩड ग. Both Columbus and Teelu are now really tense and keep talking animatedly, but we can't hear them much, at this time, Sootradaar enters again... ऐस कई कड य त क फ द एक सयफह आई...जफ क एक फ य फपय call आम...औय... walks off stage. Columbus and Teelu are sitting on the table, heads down, totally dejected. Sir! good news sir! Both sit up and take notice! ह! ह! च भक! भ य द स त! ह! द स त! भयझ good news द! 17
Sir! हभक र ड फदख यह ह! Excellent! Excellent!!! this is very good news! Teelu for the first time in his life takes a decision, without Columbus' help Aur humare Blind Navigators ka kya kehna hai! Teelu भ य द स त! क यम प ल तयभगय ह! Blind र ग क land क स फदख ग!!! This is great news!!! I am going to give this news to the Queen!!! Sir! Sir! एक minute! one minute only sir... but Columbus excetedly exits stage, while Teelu continues to pretend to talk to. re-enters. Time आ गम ह क हभ Queen स एक फ य फपय भभर. कह न जह स शयर हयई थ वह ऩय ऩ य... Interrupted by Columbus he again waits on stage, as Columbus reenters. Her Highness इन र ग स ASAP भभरन च ह ग. क फ र क Noah's Ark छ ड द, औय swim कयक व ऩस आ ज ए! 18
ऩय Sir, एक problem ह! हभ य blind navigators क pizza औय burger क फ स आ यह ह, spices क नह. रगत ह व India क जगह America ऩहय च गम. अफ Queen क क यम फत ए? (in deep thought...) HMMM!!!... Let me think... (waits for a min...then...) भ य द स त! एक idea ह! र ग भयझ प म य स यफ क ऐस ह नह कहत! They animatedly discuss the idea but we can t hear it, turns to the audience again...and while he speaks, Columbus and Teelu walk off stage... So finally चरत ह Queen क च फस भ, जह कय छ फदन फ द, ऩ य team her highness Queen Isabella of Spain स एक फ य फपय भभर... (sounding bored) Oh! all right! Send him in... The Queen of all Resolutions Empty Stage, with a Single Table and a Chair (just like the opening scene). Queen Isabella is sitting, filing her nails. Queen's phone rings. She picks up... Columbus enters stage, smiles, glib. Struts up to Queen Isabella. Gives a flourishing bow. (keeps running fingers thru the hair on his head, like a filmi hero) Your Highness. भ य न भ ह Columbus. प म य स र ग भयझ "यफ क " कहत ह...And I, am an "M", "B", "A". 19
Her Highness Queen Isabella कहत ह क...इयश द baby!!! My Dear Queen. हभ र ग अऩन ज न ऩय ख रकय "THE SHORTEST ROUTE" discover कय र ए! Please bring your team here... Team walks in... So अफ हभ अऩन "spices" directly खय द सकत ह? Market ऩय य ज! ऩ स ऩ स??? (sure of himself) उसभ थ ड द य ह. हभ य "SHORTEST ROUTE", shortest ह, ऩय India क जगह America ज त ह. WHAT!!! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE! DID YOU FOLLOW ALL THE PROCESSES? WHERE IS ALL THE DOCUMENTATION? WHAT WENT WRONG!!! My Queen! yes we did everything! There was intense planning! The execution was flawless! The leadership was amazing! but It's too early to say what went wrong... So I have lost so much money for nothing? Not for nothing My Queen. We attacked the American savages, and lost our great Noah Ark in the battle. But we managed to win a Feast, only fit for a Queen. Columbus signals the team. With great fanfare, भ नभसक passes a box to ज ड त ड, who passes it to, who passes it to Teelu ख न, who brings it to Columbus. 20
My Queen, we, after a great battle with Americans brought you a Pizza! (obiviously impressed) Hmm... maybe we can discuss this project again sometime.keep the pizza here... She turns back to filing here nails, the team starts to edge away, but Columbus is still standing there...smiling. Queen notices this... You are still here! Hmm..! So tell me Columbus what else do you have for me except for this pizza? Her Highness Queen Isabella कहत ह क...इयश द baby (cocksure, smiling, hand in hair) My Queen, what I have for you is... he looks at the team... who is alarmed... Another, Proposal... the last we see before the lights dim is the team running wildly away...while Columbus stands there smiling... enters stage. (in dim lights) By the way... In 1492, 1491 क इस (air quotes) "project" क फ द, Columbus sailed the seas in another bid to discover "THE SHORTEST ROUTE" to India. This time he DID land in India, but discovered "THE LONG ROUTE" instead. But THAT is another story... Lights come back on again, everyone comes on stage and take a bow. THE END. 21
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