The Perfect Mate A One-Act Play By Norma McPhee Cast: a serious, naïve, traditionally brought up young man of about twenty-six his bride who is a successful modern career woman of about the same age Ralph: Tom s former apartment roommate who is large, untidy, and slow in every sense of the word Performance Time: 25 minutes Scene 1 Setting: The scene takes place in the living/dining room of the Davis city apartment. Bedroom is off-stage left. The kitchen is off-stage right. The time is a few months after the honeymoon, one day after work. TOM ENTERS carrying a briefcase. He puts his briefcase on the dining room table. He removes his coat and throws it on a dining room chair. He EXITS to the kitchen and returns with a glass of milk. He selects a magazine, sits in the easy chair, feet up on a stool, begins to read and sip milk. Door opens. CARRIE ENTERS carrying a briefcase and the mail. Hi! (Puts mail on the table. Looks at Tom s briefcase, then at Tom. Starts to speak, shrugs her shoulders, takes his briefcase and puts it with hers by the door. Takes off coat, picks up Tom s coat and EXITS to bedroom. Returns without coats. Goes to Tom and kisses his forehead.) I wish you d hang up your own coat. (In that, I ve-said-this-before tone of voice.) Uh-h-h-h? Oh, Hi! (Returns to reading after very brief moment of recognition.) (Shrugs. Goes to kitchen returns with apron on.) How was your day? (Tom turns a page but doesn t answer. Carrie puts place mats on table. Answers herself in a masculine voice.) My day? Oh, great! Just great! And how was your day? What? My day? Hectic. (Back to reading.) I should have stayed with my script. (Sets table) Did you get the Mills account? The what? What about a script account? (Back to reading)
(Shrugs again) The Mills account. Wasn t that what you were worrying about? That make or break account? How d it go? Oh yeah. I got it. What s there to say? Why do I have to rehearse my entire day? Why do we have to come home and have show and tell? (Back to reading) I guess we don t. When we were going together we talked about work and well lots of things over dinner in quiet little restaurants, candle light dinners for two..(sigh) What was that about two? No, I didn t get two accounts only one! That s alright, I was just showing wifely interest communication. Questions to show interest concern caring (Voice trails off as she EXITS to kitchen) Questions! Hmmph! Ralph never quizzed me (Enters with more food) OK. The perfect roommate. Why can t a wife be more like a (Interrupts) Oh, while we re on the subject. Did you pick up my blue sports coat at the cleaners? The subject? What subject? Wives versus roommates? (Looks up again) Huh? Did I pick up your blue sports coat? Tom, I don t believe this! That s the most ridiculous thing I ve ever heard in (Body language shows complete exasperation) That s three blocks and one subway stop from my office. It s just around the corner from yours! (Snorts and keeps on reading) (Places food on each plate) Come on. Dinner s ready. What? Oh, Ok. (Keeps on reading) (Puts final touch on serving) Tom. Dinner is ready. On-the-table. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Be right there. (Begins to eat) I don t understand why you can t come to the table and eat when I have it ready. Every night it s the same thing. Oh, the magazine
may be different, but the scene s the same. (Eats a bit more, then puts fork down and begins to sing in exaggerated tones) I eat alone, because to tell you the truth I am lonely. (Stops reading and throws down the magazine) What? Oh, for crying-outloud. Do you have to make a federal case out of reading? In my job, I have to be informed. Tom. It s not your reading. It s when you read. It s more than reading. It s the whole thing. The crumbling of a relationship. The ravaging! No, that s too active. Atrophy. That s it. Wasting away after three months of wedded wedded (Interrupts) Everytime I pick up a magazine you want me to do something or say something. (Begins eating) No. It s when you choose to read. I eat alone. I Oh, what s the use. (Gets up and clears her dishes. EXITS to kitchen. ENTERS without dishes. Stands behind Tom s chair and blows nose noisily.) Aw, Carrie. Hey look, I m the guy you married. I m the same old Tom. (Reaches out and tries to pull her to him) You ve changed. Even on the honeymoon and right after we got back. We talked. And and shared. I haven t changed. I always read after work. Did Ralph make a fuss? (Eats and reflects. Carrie finishes clearing and tidying her side of the table.) Ralph was a perfect roommate. He minded his business and I minded mine. (Gets up and gets more milk) Ralph. (Disgusted, picks up magazine and places it on the table) Oh we need more milk. (Turns away, obviously angry. Hauls out the vacuum cleaner. Picks up dirty glass and dishes from Tom s place.) (Snaps on the radio. CARRIE turns on the vacuum.) Hey, do you have to run that now? I can t hear the news. (Continues to vacuum. TOM turns up the radio. Waits for reaction. Stands, turns off the radio, gets another magazine and returns to the easy chair. CARRIE puts away the vacuum.) I missed the news.
You re reading the news. (Sets up ironing board) (Looks up when the ironing board goes up with a bang) Oh, good, I need shirts. (Sarcastically) Did Ralph iron your shirts? What? I said did Ralph iron your shirts? (Disgusted) Of course not. I ironed my shirts. (Icily) Oh. I see. Then there is a difference between a perfect roommate and an imperfect wife. Who said you were imperfect? It would be better to vacuum after the news. That s what I said. (Back to reading) (Slams the ironing) Right now I wish you and Ralph were back together. I ve just about had wedded bliss. I can t see one single plus for me. I work all day. Cook, clean, and take in laundry. What? Which what? What did you say? I said a lot of things. What did you say about taking in laundry? Whose laundry are you taking in? Yours! That s the only thing I gained when I got married! Your laundry. As far as I can see, living in sin might be better. Ralph could do the laundry. Ralph didn t do my laundry. CURTAIN Scene 2 Setting: The scene is the living room two days later. The door opens. CARRIE ENTERS carrying some mail and her briefcase. She throws her briefcase and coat in TOM S chair. Exits to kitchen. Returns with a container of yogurt and some fruit. She
begins to eat and read her mail. TOM ENTERS. He throws his coat on the other chair. Puts his briefcase on the table. CARRIE opens her mouth as though to complain, clears her throat and goes back to reading and eating. Hi. (Kisses Carrie) Any mail for me? It s down there. (Motions toward the door) (Looks around) Down where? In the mailbox. (Continues to eat and read) What s it doing down there? Just doing what mail usually does in a mailbox. (Reads on) For crying-out-loud. Why didn t you bring it up? Ralph always brought up all the mail. (Goes to kitchen) Oh, I didn t know that. I thought he minded his business and you minded yours. Mail s definitely my business and yours. Ergo, I left your business and brought my business up. (Sticks head around the door and waggles and empty milk carton) Hey, there isn t any milk. You forgot to buy milk. I didn t forget. (Smiles sweetly) I just didn t! But I definitely remember saying we need more milk. Those were my precise words. But they were imprecise in meaning. I didn t need more milk. I don t drink milk. I eat yogurt. You drink milk. You needed milk. What am I going to drink? Try water, juice, hot chocolate.(exits to bedroom) (TOM walks to his chair. Removes briefcase and coat. Drops them to the floor. Picks up a magazine and settles himself to read. CARRIE ENTERS carrying a manicure tray. She sits at the table, hums and files nails. Finally turns on the radio.) When do we eat? What?
I said, when do we eat? I ate. What about me? What about you? When do I eat? I suppose whenever you get tired of reading or hungry whichever comes first. What do I eat? Whatever you want. Haven t you fixed it? I fixed what I wanted and I ate it. When you get hungry, fix something and eat it. (Looking wounded) Why didn t we go out if you didn t want to cook? (Turns off radio) Oh, is that why we went out to dinner before we got married? Ralph didn t want to cook? Ralph didn t cook. We both just ate. You know we bought stuff and ate. Sandwiches soup canned spaghetti.food. Well, there s soup and canned spaghetti so eat. (Waves her hands to dry her nails) But, I m married. You don t eat canned spaghetti and soup when you re married. (Studies her nails for a few moments then looks quizzically at Tom) Oh-h-h? Hm-m-m. Oh..(Gets up and goes to the kitchen where he starts banging pans.) CURTAIN
Scene 3 Setting: The scene is the living room the next night. TOM ENTERS, throws his coat on the usual chair. Puts his briefcase on the table. Exits to the kitchen returns with an apple. Picks up his magazine from his place at the table. He sits down and begins reading. Door opens. CARRIE ENTERS with mail, briefcase and a bag of groceries through the kitchen. She returns, picks up Tom s briefcase and puts it next to hers. Takes off her coat, picks up Tom s and takes them both to the bedroom. Returns with her apron on. Hi. (Kisses Tom s forehead, goes to kitchen) Hi. (Looks up briefly) Hey, did you remember the milk? Yes, I bought some milk. I noticed you still haven t cleaned up your dinner mess from last night. You ve got some mail. What? (Continues reading) Which what? What did you say about last night? You didn t do your dishes last night. Oh. Yeah. I didn t. Did Ralph do all the dishes? Ralph? Oh, no. When they all got dirty we washed what we needed when we needed them. Very simple. (Throws up her hands in despair. Stomps into the kitchen. We hear water running. Enters, clears dishes. Exits to kitchen, more dishes slamming.) Did you get my blue jacket from the cleaners? (Back to reading) No. I did not get your blue jacket from the cleaner. I had a full, horrible, hectic, equal-opportunity, ulcer-special day! I did not leave the office! (Begins to forcefully set the table.) (Suddenly aware that Carrie has been talking and has stopped, not quite sure what she was saying) That s nice. Glad you re feeling better tonight. (Slams down a bowl, pours a glass of milk) Dinner is ready.
Huh? Oh, ok. (Leans forward in his chair, continues to finish the paragraph) Some triangles have another woman. Me? (Begins to sing loudly) Just Tommy and me and Newsweek makes three! (Reaches over and snaps on the radio) (Goes to the table and smiles appreciatively) Ah-h-h. This looks more like home. (Picks up fork) You know Ralph was an OK roommate, but being married is great! (Carrie gives him an I-don t-believe-it look, gets up and removes her dishes. Exits to bedroom, returns with laundry basket of dirty clothes. Exits.) (Eats in silence, completely absorbed in the news. Gets up and goes back to her chair, leaving his dirty dishes. Begins to read.) CARRIE ENTERS. Looks at the table and at Tom. Snaps off the radio. Where d you go? Oh, I didn t think you d noticed. I went down and put the laundry in. I m out of socks. That s why I put the laundry in. Boy, marriage is great. All this and and I m fed up! You don t want a wife. And I don t need your laundry! What? What? I-don t-need-your-laundry! (Pauses in reading and looks up) I need socks. I m doing your socks. I want something more. You ve got a roommate who cooks and washes dishes and does laundry. I ve got an empty apartment and twice as many dishes and a man s laundry. I want somebody to share with, to laugh with. I want somebody to come to bed before I m too tired to know who climbs in beside me. I want somebody to to talk to. (She finally has his attention) So, talk. Actually, you ve been talking ever since you walked in the door. (Reaches down and picks up another magazine) You really talk a lot more than Ralph ever talked.
(Shrugs and sighs. Picks up his dishes and takes them to the kitchen. Tom goes back to reading.) CARRIE ENTERS (picks up phone and dials a number) Hello, Ralph? I need some help. CURTAIN Scene 4 Setting: This scene takes place the next night after work, again in the living room. TOM ENTERS. He goes through his usual routine and settles down with a glass of milk and a magazine. CARRIE ENTERS, puts down the mail, takes care of TOM S briefcase, picks up his coat and EXITS to the bedroom. The bell rings. TOM reads on. It rings again with more insistence. Ralph: (Mutters) She must have forgotten her key again. (Gets up, pushes the button, opens the door a crack and settles back to reading. Door opens wider and RALPH ENTERS carrying a suitcase) (Not looking up) Hi. Forget your key? I don t have one yet. (Jumps up and greets him) Ralph, old buddy! What a surprise! Did Carrie invite you to dinner? Wait til you eat. She s a great cook! Boy, is married life the greatest! Here, let me take your coat. (Puts coat on the chair) We talk about the good old days all the times, but they can t compare to the luxury of wedded bliss. No, siree! Put your case, your case? Your suit-case? (CARRIE ENTERS just then carrying her weekender) Hey, what is this? What s doing on? Carrie, where are you going with that? (Ralph sets his case down, steps out of the line of battle and watches, first one and then the other as they talk. His expression is an exciting mixture of slightly blank and a bit befuddled.) (Smiles sweetly) It s your old roommate back. You know the perfect roommate. There s plenty of soup and canned spaghetti boys. (Starts for the door) Carrie, wait. I love you. (Jumps to the door, facing Carrie) What did I do? I like being married. Ralph do something. Carrie, say something. Remember our our honeymoon! Tom, two weeks won t make a lifetime of memories. Somehow I don t think we re making a marriage. I just don t think we have a marriage right
now. Let s say you have an imperfect roommate and I have extra laundry. So here s the perfect roommate and Mrs. Washburn will do your laundry. Ralph: Carrie, I didn t do anything! (Opens the door kisses Tom) I know. In spite of it I love you. Enjoy your spaghetti. Call me if you ever want a wife, I ll be at Ralph s old number! (EXIT) (TOM watches CARRIE exit with a despairing look on his face. Turns to Ralph with a look of question-confusion.) (Smiles broadly, makes a large welcoming motion with his open palm and forearm as if to say, welcome back, buddy, we re home again.) CURTAIN Productions Suggestions Costumes: Business suit or dress All-weather coat Apron Business suit, dress shirt, conservative tie All-weather coat Ralph: Rumpled corduroy trousers or jeans Sneakers T-shirt with slogan (preferably a beer slogan) Warm-up jacket Baseball cap Set: Scene 1 Radio on table Side table Magazines Telephone
Scene 2 Magazines back to table Clothes and basket to bedroom Ironing board back to kitchen Dishes back to kitchen Scene 3 Magazines back to table Dishes Carrie s back to kitchen Tom s set on table Scene 4 Magazines back to table Property List: Pre Set: OFF STAGE RIGHT Milk; glass; dishes; food; yogurt and spoon; fruit Carrie s apron Vacuum cleaner, ironing board and iron; wrinkled shirts and other laundry in laundry basket Full grocery bag OFF STAGE LEFT Manicure tray Laundry and basket, Scene 3 Personal Props: Briefcase Mail Scene 4, suitcase Briefcase Glass of milk, Scenes 1,4 Apple, Scene 3 News magazine Ralph: Suitcase