One 'Mother's Story my! 00m.llmJ mm@)dji:1l1jdlld 00 101 ' ~., /'2d,4.,p"eot;og jo"mey ;0the m;d-19bo,. de,hog screens se~med mngeble prenting issue, simple ~ompred to the decision to work outside the home or the debte over circumcision. t did not occur to me tht "screens" 'A l wm; could men more thn television. never imgined would be writing n rticle, eighteen yers lter, dmitting tht"struggling 8
with screens" hs been my most chllenging prenting issue. Yes, hve lin wke gonizing over the qulity of dy cre, possible lerning disbility, nd the dngers of drugs nd sex in high school, but in retrospect see those issues hve pssed. Screens re here to sty nd n issue for us ll. The word screens describes the myrid electronic medi tht possess screens, vilble to our modern children for entertinment nd eduction. These include television, video gmes, computers, rcde gmes, theter movies,gme Boys, even tiny screens tht turn up, surprisingly,in wtches, cell phones, or toys in Hppy Mels. Despite their vriety, they disply common chrcteristics: they produce compelling noises, their imges chnge with riveting speed, nd they re found lmost everywhere--in homes, schools, stores, mlls, resturnts, librries, buses, nd crs. Screens re controversil. They re thought to encourge ggression in children, impir brin development, be subversively ntieductionl, provide nothing more thn mindless distrction, nd be n esy cop-out for busy prents. Yetthey re lso seen s promoting eye-hnd coordintion nd dexterity, stimultingintellectul development, providing rel entertinment, nd being sfe lterntive to other, more problemtic ctivities for children. This is my confessionl nrrtive s prent of the struggles tht screens hve creted in my fmily. hve documented, in phses, process involving concern, control or lck thereof, nd bttles fought, won, nd lost. The process hs no resolution or end, except tht, mercifullyfor me, my children hve grown into young dults nd hve survived both the screens nd my struggle. Phse : Screens re Poison When my children were under five yers old, ws fiercelyprotective of their psyches. sensed tht screens could exert strong, negtive influence on my. little ones, but could not yet rticulte my concerns. Thus begn my"screens re poison" phse, when tended towrd hystericl prnoi concerning their use. Screens thretened to sbotge the domestic trnquillity my husbnd nd were crefullycreting, nd ws deeply troubled. Wholesome ctivities like working with cly nd doing puzzles seemed ple in comprison to flshygmes nd exciting television shows. While in front of screens, my children looked like drugged zombies, nd their crnkiness fter they nd the TV were unpluggedws evidence of withdrwl. ws pplled even by"good" movies or shows, with their disrespectful, overly sophisticted, subtly sexul, nd disconcerting chrcters. During this phse, we discovered tht hving the TV in our min living spce mde it powerful presence in our home. Even though we did not hve cble nd received only three chnnels, the children sked frequently to wtch. Adopting the "out of sight,out of mind" pproch, we moved the television upstirs to our bedroom closet. This ws compromise, since ws prepred to throw it out. Our computer did not hve gmes nd ws considered "work mchine for grown-ups." Since my children's opportunities for screen use in those erly yers were limited,they lerned tht use of screens is specil~ privilegend highlyrestricted. Tht lesson helped form, in positive wy,their lter ptterns. This limited use ment we spent considerble time with the children reding nd fcilittingother ctivities,such s dilyoutdoor ply,mkingnd buildingthings, nd imgintiveplywith simple objects. Findingctivities ws, by nture, esier for my dughter, hrder for my son. When they were bored, we helped them, or they muddled through nd eventullyfound something to do. On long dys it ws tempting to turn to the television for respite, but mother does not feed her children poison nd then sleep t night. At this phse, we hd lot of control. The children were seldom out of our home. Our smll circle of friends shred common concerns bout screens nd their influence. 9
" ~ffi~f!ilil'k > J'\"}." D ;~~~."".. Phse 2: Screens for the Mind re Junk Food Phse one ws very stressful, nd, inevitbly, ws forced to chnge my pproch-for my own mentl helth, if for nothing else. As my children begn public school in our smll,working-clss New Englndtown, slowly tempered my stnd nd moved to my"screens re junk food for the mind" phse. ws creful nd vigilntwhenever possible but ccepted outside influences without hysteri. still felt tht screens were potentilly soul-sntching but ws willingto concede tht, like potto chips, screens hve certin ppel nd re consumed by mny with no pprent, immedite illeffect. By this time, the children knew bout junk food nd bout blnce nd hd relized tht we were the "only" fmily in town tht did not hve closet full of sod nd chips nd screen in every room. Thus begn our regulr fmily discussions-fondly remembered s sermons by the childrenbout screen use nd our vlues. The television remined upstirs still sns cble, nd the computer still lcked gmes. We opted to llow videos rther thn television shows nd lwys wtched with the children. We rrely went to the movies, hving relized tht G-rting does not protect children from troubling imges or disrespectful humor. n those erly elementry school yers, there were, mong the mny fmilieswe cme to know, diverse pproches towrd screen use. There were those who, on one end of the continuum, hd "keep 'em on 24-7" screens everywhere in their homes nd seemed blissfullyuntroubled by my demons. n the middle stood those who hd some screens, permitted use with limits,nd found comfortble blnce. seemed to be the only prent knew holding up the "extreme" end of the continuum, nd my rms were getting tired. ws the mother who "hd" to cll before sleepovers to lern wht movies would be shown nd the level of supervision. Myfvorite memory is of my husbnd tking our ten-yer-old dughter to n overnight prty nd the mother sking, "Would you mind if the kids wtch the movie Witch Hunt [rted R]?" When my husbnd sid yes, he would mind very much, he lerned he ws the first of five prents who hd refused. Why would nyone wnt their child to see such film? t ws hrd for me to understnd. Phse 3: Screens re Not Tht Bd Phse three ws brief period when decided to go with the culturl flow nd try on the ttitude of "screens re not tht bd, fter ll:' Likephse two, it occurred when ws working outside the home more nd lerning tht it is difficultto be the cptin of ship when you re not on bord ll the time. t ws my"get homefrom work nd put on Mr.Rogersnd Arthur" period, when joined the rnks of exhusted working prents who hve to mke dinner. The television ws convenient wy to occupy the children nd to keep me from indvertently snpping t the children loved nd hd not seen ll dy. cme to understnd the energy it tkes to set limits bout something tht ultimtely met myneeds. However, neverrellybndonedmybeliefs from previous phses, nd the guilt ws unberble. This phse ws illuminting. sw the culturl forces scooting children towrd screen use nd developed compssion for my fellow prents besieged by modern life. reconsidered the justifictions nd rtionles hd condemned during my poison phse: "Kids lern lot of pro-socil messges wtching Arthur"; "t is better thn being irritble with the kids"; nd "t is only n hour ech dy, nd there re no commercils:' These generlly ccepted ides lulled our fmily into pttern of dily, regulr television wtching. Within month, sw the screen's cptivting, hbit-forming nture. Tht hour of television before dinner becme n entitlement rther thn privilege, nd, when it ws interrupted, there were ters nd protesttions. The children begn to sk to wtch t other times. swtht,whilemr.rogersndarthurre probbly innocuous shows, the medium itself tkes the children in its grip nd discourges them from pursuing other kinds of ply. Children, too, re besieged by the demnds of life tody nd re ttrcted to the ese screens offer. This reliztion jolted me bck to my "junk food" philosophy nd helped me be cler bout the negtive,needing-to-be-monitored spects of screens: sexy,violent, rude, nd now, ply-inhibitingnd hbit-forming.
Phse 4: Screens re Culturlly Snctioned nd Pervsive This phse spns the middle school yers, time when the exposure to screens incresed exponentilly nd the children were forming their own opinions bout fir use. While might still be the cptin of my ship, the children could hop in dinghy to visit other ships or to go shore. This ws decidedly difficult phse with. frequent bttles, soul-serching converstions with my husbnd,nd uncomfortble compromises. tried to tke n honest look t my need for control. did not wnt to lose my children to the screens or becuse of bttles over the screens. hd now left Winnie-the-Pooh videos forever nd entered the lnd of PG- 3 movies contining sex, swer words, nd "not much" violence; of preteens with electronic kingdoms (TV, VCR, computer, Gme Boy,telephone) in their rooms; nd of video gme prties in which (typiclly) boys would gther round lrgescreentv with Surround Sound, et junk food, nd enter virtul relity in which killing nd speeding re considered pproprite entertinment. Wht ws mother to do? t ws cler tht even prents who restricted erly yers were succumbing to the relity... screen ccess in the of this phse. There ws no gurntee tht prent who shred other vlueswith me, such s resonble bedtimes, stndrd curfews, nd pproprite supervision, would set limits on screens or their content. My culturl liention incresed. At home, things were heting up. My children wnted to wtch few television shows, go to movies tht my husbndnd hd not seen, ply video gmes, nd use the nternet for fun nd for school projects. We still did not hve cble, but our computer ws no longer dinosur,so gmes nd nternet use were possible. hd to listen during fmily meetings-nd bend. Restrictions on screens were hrder for my son. He ws more interested in screens thn my dughter, liked reding less,nd hd to live in "boy" culture dominted by screen ply of ll kinds. Our compromises begn with wtching show or two nd llowing more movies nd some video gme use. We kept restrictions on R-rted movies nd on movies nd gmes with excessive violence. dopted dul personlity to survive this phse. ws the culturlly minstrem mother, who lughed t sitcoms, mrveled t video gme grphics, nd did not cry when shot in movies. Simultneously, ws the intuitive people were mother who would never relinquish her certinty tht disrespectful humor nd violence re hrmful for children nd continued to spek up when necessry. Home mprovement becme one of our shows, culturlly considered wholesome fmily show. held two points of view, both legitimte. Minstrem mother: the prents in the show love ech other kids; non-violent, nd their interesting modern issues. ntuitive mother: sex role stereotyping, srcstic humor, disrespectful behvior, numerous engging commercils encourging mterilistic ppetites. tried to enjoy lughing long but lwys wondered: Wht is this doing to my children? Another concession t this time ws my developing respect for screens s n eductionl tool: the nternet cn be remrkble resource, Encrt ws mzing to hve t home, nd television documentries re informtive. Computers re everywhere, nd using them ppered to be life skill needed for the future. wtched with we s my children found informtion instntly, esily delt with multiple screens on their desktops, nd typed speedily. Yet remembered the lessons lerned in previous phses bout dngers nd hbits. All screens remined in view, nd we were vigilnt in our supervision. Phse 5: Almost Surrender This phse spns the high school yers, chrcterized by more relxed ttitude regrding screen use without totl surrender, for will never be wholly resigned. We, still monitor, but not s closely. Both children use the computer dily for instnt messging,music, nd nternet 1 1
ccess. Mydughter cn "leglly"see R- rted movies,nd my son, two yers younger,sees more thn his sister ever did t his ge. We hve few more video gmes,got bsic cble two yers go,nd wtch more television shows. We require the muting of commercils, still try to wtch movies with the children when we cn, nd sk wht they re doing on the nternet. We re still pplled t times by wht we see, sy so, turn things off, nd "ruin" the fun of wtching movie or show. This phse hs represented significnt mentl nd emotionl shift for me, mde possible becuse hve noticed importnt chnges in my children s they hve reched the ge of fifteen nd beyond. They hve become developmentlly less vulnerble. They re ble now to rticulte (when willing)wht they re thinking, feeling, nd processing bout screens. My "soul-sntching" worries of yesteryer hve bted, becuse see my children cnnot be s esily sntched. They hve their own rmor nd so need mine less. Listeningcrefullyto my teengers regrding the screen world in this phse hs been moving nd lrming. They hve told me tht screen influence is bsolutely everywhere, "in your fce" every minute of every dy. Myson hs stted tht even if he wnted to escpe tht influence,he could not, becuse every person you meet is thinking bout, tlking bout, holding,or using screen. Both children emphticlly insist tht seeing people mistreting others does not encourge them to do so,tht wtching violence does not mke them wnt to hurt others, nd tht wtching commercils does not crete, in them, n ppetite for buying. Screens re n enormous prt of their life,nd they like them. n my "lmost surrender;' rise my 'white flgto hlf-mst,nd with we nd sdness look upon lndscpe vstly different thn the one knew s teen. Phse 6: Hve Done Wht Could tke my inspirtion for this phse from Dorothy Dy, socil ctivist in the lst century, who, in the fce of enormous urbn problems, sid," hve done wht could." She ws womn who worked hrd for socil chnge nd ccepted the scope of her influence,gret or smll. Although my mothering struggle with screens is trivil in comprison, Dorothy Dy's words spek to me now, in my lst phse, phse chrcterized by clm cceptnce of my struggle, my choices, my tencity, nd my powerlessness. Cll me luntic, wise womn, or fool, m mother who could not resign herself to n importnt force influencing her children without doing her best to consciously exmine, judge, resist, or ccept. As look bck on ll my phses, there is truth in everyone. There re times when screens cn be poison, junk food for the mind, something not tht bd, culturlly snctioned nd pervsive prt of life, or something tht requires ' mesure of surrender. n the end, over mny prenting issues, hve come to sy, " hve done wht could." Wht could do ws ensure tht screens were not centrl presence in my home, insist tht my children choose other ctivities over screens, require tht they puse before putting in the plug. hve modeled tking stnd on n issue s prent, nd they hve witnessed loneliness, its difficulty, its!:rzed pssion. Wht could not do ws fully protect my children from regulr exposure to explicit violence nd sex, degrding humor, nd gross mterilism. know such exposure is detrimentl to their herts, minds, nd souls, nd it troubles me deeply. My teens re good people. They show respect, mke sensible choices nd re nonviolent, so perhps they were right bout the scope of screen influence, fter ll. But m relieved they hve survived this culturl minefield, nd worry bout the children still in the field without hnd to hold. hope my struggle hs plnted cpcity for self-wrenessnd selfregultion concerning screens tht my teengers will crry into dulthood. My d,ughternd son tese me now bout my struggle, nd do hope to lugh rther thn cry bout it more in the yers hed. HELENE McGLAUFLlN, MEd,LCPC is counselor, eductor,nd writer. Her work hs ppered ntionllyin mgzines,books,professionljournls;nc:rsmllpresses. She liveswith her husbndnd two teengers in Bth,Mine. its ~