Red Herring A Comedy Murder Mystery by Don Fried Characters Men Edwin Lander: Playwright, mid 50s. Francis Durban: Theater producer/director, mid 30s. Theodore Quayle: Actor, late 60s. British accent or fake theatrical British accent. Algernon Platzer (Algie): Aspiring actor/director, early 20s. Women Rachel Rudder: Aspiring playwright, early 20s Helene Fardeau: Actor, mid 40s. SCENE 1 ACT 1 WINTER MORNING, 'S OFFICE (The room is cluttered with fast-food debris -- empty pizza boxes, and Chinese food containers -- and a half-full clear glass coffee pot and some dirty coffee mugs. enters from the external door. He is carrying a box of doughnuts, which he puts on the table. He takes a doughnut out of the box and takes a bite out of it while he takes off his outdoor-coat and drops it over the nearest piece of furniture. He takes a small pocket diary out of his sport-coat pocket and puts it on the desk next to the box. Then he walks to the mystery-play planning matrix, puts the doughnut down on the file cabinet, picks up a marker, and thoughtfully starts to make new Red Herring 2007 by Don Fried Page 1
entries and change old ones. enters from the external door.) (Taking off her coat.) Morning, Edwin. (Without looking at her.) Morning, Rachel. Colder out there than the look in my ex's eyes when she saw last year's royalty check. (He sits down on the chair, and becomes engrossed with working on the computer while circles the room, sweeping the empty food boxes into trash cans. She picks up a half-eaten sandwich from the desk and holds it with two fingers, grimacing. Then she heads toward the coffee room with the trash cans. reaches out to where the sandwich was without looking up from the computer.) You haven't seen that tuna-salad sandwich that was here last night, have you? ( stops dead in her tracks, but does not turn around. Beat. She exits to the coffee room. He types industriously for a few seconds. He sits back with satisfaction. Rachel reenters.) Ah, that's better. Here, Rach, read this with me. You take Mrs. Grenville. Don't I always? (Looking over his shoulder, she cautiously puts her arm on his shoulder, which he doesn't notice. She starts reading, in Mrs. Grenville voice.) Any idea who he is, Inspector? (As Inspector.) Hmm, I don't think he's American. Either that or someone is trying awfully hard to get us to think he's not American. (As Mrs. Grenville.) Red Herring 2007 by Don Fried Page 2
What makes you say that? (As Inspector.) Well, the first clue is the suit. That tailoring could only have been done by Jussi Nykanen of Kauhava, Finland. He sells exclusively to European aristocracy. Won't even talk to anybody below the level of viscount. Next is the tattoo there behind his ear. You sometimes see Chinese characters on American ear tattoos, but I don't recall ever seeing all of the 27th psalm -- in Basque. And look, the word "servant" in the middle of the 9th verse is translated as "mirabe" instead of "sehi". That usage is only found in two small villages in the upper Axondo Valley, near Logrono in Northern Spain. (As Mrs. Grenville.) You never cease to amaze me, Inspector. Even if I'd noticed those things, I'd have had no idea what they meant. (As Inspector.) And then there's the matter of the Ukrainian Passport with his picture on it pinned to his chest. (As Mrs. Grenville.) I thought that might somehow be significant." (In her normal voice.) What time did you get out of here last night? When I left you weren't showing any sign of slowing down. I'm not sure. Must have been after three. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to access my credit card account online. Seeing if by some miracle I'll be able to cover the next bill. Did you get any sleep? Red Herring 2007 by Don Fried Page 3
Not much. I couldn't get this scene right, and I was working on it in my head all night. What do you think of it now? Oh, it's much better. Gee, I love those two. Did I ever tell you that "The Quiet Corpse" was the first professional play I ever saw? My parents took me to it when I was six years old. I had nightmares for a month. Why the hell did they take a girl that age to a murder mystery? They never did subscribe to the whole "little girls play with dolls" thing. Anyway, when I stopped having nightmares, I made them take me to see "El Greco is Dead" and then "A Gallon of Blood". Things were going pretty well for a while there. When I couldn't get my parents to take me to the theater, I was forcing my friends to play Mrs. Grenville and the Inspector with me. Of course I got to make up all the rules, since none of them had ever been to the theater. But they were happy to go along, since I let them be the Inspector, which I told them was the most important part. You were six? What was that, about eighteen years ago? That was just about when "A Mountain of Hate" closed after a month, and the mental defectives who run the theater business -- may they all get halitosis and die lonely -- decided that people didn't want to see any more plays by Edwin Lander. What you're writing is as good as it ever was. Red Herring 2007 by Don Fried Page 4
"The Coroner's Mistake" is probably the best of the bunch. But the coroner had to die for his mistake, and it looks like Broadway has decided that I deserve to die for mine. Don't talk like that. A lot of great artists went through tough times. Look at Vincent Van Gogh, Friedrich Nietsche, Franz Schubert-- Hang on, all those guys died young and penniless. And of syphilis! If you're trying to make me feel better, you're not doing a very good job. Why don't you pick somebody who died old, rich and with a reasonable portion of his mental faculties and genitalia intact. How about J.P. Morgan? J.P. Morgan? Oh, right. Wasn't he the one who wrote that great drawing room comedy "How I Monopolized American Steel Production and Really Pissed off Teddy Roosevelt?" As I recall, that one had the Supreme Court justices rolling in the aisles for months. Hey, aren't I the one who's supposed to come up with the witty sarcasm to point out other people's absurdities? If you're going to be taking over my job you're going to expect a raise. OK, I'll bump you up by fifty percent, but that's my final offer. You mean in exchange for me proofreading your drafts, composing spiteful letters to your agent, and throwing out empty pizza boxes twelve hours a day you'll spend six hours a week imparting your wisdom to me instead of the usual four? Gee, thanks. Remember, you came to me. And you knew what the deal was when we started. Look, if I'd wanted to put up with this kind of abuse I'd have asked you to marry me. (Pause.) I'm sorry. Red Herring 2007 by Don Fried Page 5
I'm sorry. Well, enjoy not being able to paying while it lasts. Next month the world is going to be flocking to see the new smash Mrs. Grenville and the Inspector hit. That may be a tad premature, considering that the first read-through is this afternoon. Think positive. It's a great play. I'm not disagreeing that it should be a success. But there's a big gap between "should be" and "smash hit". And Francis Durban is not at all suitable. Suitable? Let me see if I have my "Production Suitability Checklist" on me anywhere. Oh, here it is. Criteria one: piles of money. Check. Criteria two: track record of successfully producing and directing Broadway plays. Check. Criteria three: piles of money. Seems to be doing pretty well so far. Do you want me to continue? Look, it's been a long dry spell, and after all these years I'm not going to get picky about who wants to produce one of my plays. It's just that "Red Herring" is a serious mystery in the classical tradition -- sort of Shakespeare via Dashiell Hammett. Durban subscribes more to the school of Pirandello via Arnold Feierblum. Arnold Feierblum? He was the first great proponent of the "Let's all get naked and smear ourselves with Crisco" school of theater. (Beat.) It was big in the late sixties. That was before my time. Red Herring 2007 by Don Fried Page 6
Something as important as that, I'm surprised they didn't cover it in your History of Drama class. Anyway, the point is that I can't understand why a nouveau, artsy-fartsy character like Durban would give "Red Herring" a second look. Maybe he's seen the error of his ways. And he acts in everything he directs. He's already cast the two leads, so the only open roles are cameos of people getting bopped on the head. (Beat.) Well it's time for me to head over to the theater. Maybe by tonight I'll have a better idea what's really going on. ( puts on his coat and picks up the box of doughnuts. comes to him and straightens his collar.) Perhaps it would be better if you don't go digging too enthusiastically. What does it matter why he's backing your play, as long as he's backing it. (As opens the door to exit, is just about to knock on it.) Hello Mr. Lander. You've got the wrong office. I beg your pardon. I said you've got the wrong office. But-- Look, this is my office, and I don't know you, and I didn't send for you, and no one comes here unless I either know Red Herring 2007 by Don Fried Page 7
them or I send for them. So you've got the wrong office. That's not so complicated, is it? But... Look, Junior-- It's OK, Edwin. Hello, Algie. ( looks from to in surprise.) Algae? Who names their kid after a lower order of aquatic plant life? It's short for Algernon. My parents were into Oscar Wilde, and Algernon was-- Right. Well, I'm off, Rachel. I should be back by six. I'll see you at the theater in a little while, Mr. Lander. ( looks at him quizzically.) Algie's the stage manager for "Red Herring". I'm playing one of the bad guys, too. Well, I'm certainly looking forward to that. (He starts to exit.) (Going to the table and picking up 's diary.) Edwin. You left your diary again. ( makes an exasperated sign, takes it from her, and leaves.) Red Herring 2007 by Don Fried Page 8
(Upset and angry.) Who bit him? He's just nervous. That's no reason for him to be such a jerk. It's a big day for him. Yeah, I guess. But it's a big day for us, too, isn't it? (, forgetting his anger, tries to put his arm around. Playfully.) You haven't forgotten about tonight, have you? (She eludes him while trying not to be too obvious about it.) No, I haven't forgotten. But that's tonight, and don't you have to get back now? There must be a million things you have to do to get ready for the kick-off. ( continues to pursue her, and she continues to avoid him.) Shouldn't you be there when the cast starts to arrive? (Looking at the clock.) I guess you're right. What time should I pick you up? You can't possibly know when you'll be finished, and I don't know when I'll be through either. Why don't you call me when you have a better idea, and we'll arrange something? Okay. Till tonight, then. Red Herring 2007 by Don Fried Page 9
( exits. looks relieved, then thoughtful for a moment after he leaves.) END OF SCENE 1 Red Herring 2007 by Don Fried Page 10