Communication: The Person-to- Person Skill. Grades 7-12

Communication: The Person-to- Person Skill Grades 7-12 2276

Answers to Questionnaire on Page 20 Blaming: 8, 16 Sarcasm: 2, 7, 10 Insulting: 6, 9 Name-Calling: 11, 12 Mind-Reading: 1, 5, 15 Globalizing: 3, 13 Changing the Subject: 4, 14 48 Communication: The Person-to-Person Skill Executive Producer Jean Robbins 1 Producer Susan Simmons Writers Walter Simmons Susan Simmons Script Consultant Michael Wettstein Director Peter Barton Video Production Deerfield Video Music Creative Sound Works Teacher's Guide Ruth Grossman TM

TM 2 Table of Contents Introduction.................................. 3 Learning Objectives............................3 Summary of the Program........................4 47 Way to go, Evan. Steps 2 and 3 Be positive and focus on the situation and not the person. Evan s father is much more likely to listen and not get defensive if Evan remains calm instead of getting whiney, demanding, or angry. Now s the time for Step 4 a little give and take. Evan s homefree if he can stay focused and try to work out a compromise solution. Questions for Discussion........................7 Suggested Activities........................13 Good Communications Skills Checklist..............18 Name That Blocker!............................20 Suggested Reading...............................22 Script Part 1: Sending Messages.................24 Part 2: Receiving Messages..................33 Part 3: Communication Blockers............38 Dad: So, what kind of a deal do you have in mind? Well, how about if I drive you and mom to the Gruens. And then, you can give me a time when you want me to come back and pick you up. It really means a lot to me. I promise I ll be on time. Dad: I think that would work out. Let me discuss it with your mother. By the way, the car could use a good washing. How about it? No problem. Well, Evan made all the right moves. He chose the right time to talk, was positive, focused on the situation, and tried to work out a compromise. He got his own feelings across and let his father know that he took his feelings into consideration too. So, okay there you have it. Learning to communicate well can lead to deeper understanding and better relationships. So just take away the blockers, add your feelings, and you ll really be communicating. 1990 Sunburst Visual Media, a division of Global Video, LLC Hawthorne, NY 10532 Running time: 38 minutes ISBN: 1-5582-6517-1 The End

Yes. Did you ask your father for permission to use the car? Not yet. But I promise I ll ask him later on today. What Evan needs now is a little Straight Talk with his father. Straight Talk is a four-step process that can help you to negotiate a communication skill that s really handy for resolving problem situations. And, it can help you avoid the dreaded communication blockers. Dad, can we talk for a minute? Dad: Sure. Now s a good time. What is it? Evan s definitely starting out on the right foot and has taken the first step Choosing the right time to talk. If your listener is relaxed and can pay attention to you, you re more likely to get what you want. You know I m taking Ellen to the Homecoming Dance next Saturday. And I was wondering if I could use the car. Dad: Sorry Evan, you should have asked us sooner. Your mother and I are having dinner at the Gruen s that night. We need the car. Gee Dad, it s really important to me. I was really looking forward to driving Ellen to the dance. Do you think we can work out some kind of a deal? 46 3 Introduction This program centers on a group of high school students in the days just prior to Homecoming. Viewers see a number of scenes, some involving one or two students, others involving the drama group to which many of them belong. In the context of these situations, verbal and non-verbal communication are examined and the principles of effective communication explored. The program is most effective when shown in three class sessions so that students can view and discuss each part of the program separately. (The tape may, of course, be stopped at any point for discussion.) Learning Objectives The program will help students to: understand the importance of learning and using communication skills. appreciate the need for clarity in the messages they send. differentiate between fact and opinion. realize the importance of making words, body language, and tone congruent. acquire active listening skills. learn to listen for meaning and expression of feelings in tone and body language. identify and avoid communication blockers. recognize that owning and expressing feelings gives a clearer picture of the message they re sending. learn a four-step communication strategy for negotiating.

Summary of The Program Part 1: Sending Messages Jackie is going to the Homecoming Dance with Andy. Now Jeff is telling the whole school that he s taking her. Jackie remembers talking to Jeff, but not saying she d go with him. A flashback to their conversation shows how the misunderstanding arose: neither is being specific or listening carefully to what the other is saying. Like Jeff and Jackie, most of us can use help with our communication skills, an on-screen narrator explains. Good communication skills can help us get what we want and also improve our relationships with others. Misunderstanding can also arise when opinion is offered as fact. Jason s assertion that jocks are so dumb illustrates this. An open exchange of ideas is more likely when you identify your opinions with phrases like I think, It seems to me, and In my opinion, the narrator tells viewers. Sometimes it s not words but how something is said that counts in communication. Students in Mr. Medina s drama group get the gist of Jackie and Kathy s conversation just from the tone of their voices. Body language, too, can speak volumes, as Emily s hesitant behavior in the school cafeteria clearly projects her insecurities, and Darryl and Debra s exchange of eye contact signals a message of interest. But what if words and body language fail to agree? An exchange between Kevin and his chemistry teacher shows that when this happens, the non-verbal message usually wins out. In summary, the narrator restates four principles of good communication: 1. Be clear, concise, and complete; 2. Be aware of the difference between fact and opinion; 3. Pay attention to tone and body language; 4. Be sure your words and body language send the same message. 4 45 Good start, Evan. He s letting Ellen know exactly what he wants to discuss. Also, he s not accusing her he s taking responsibility for what he s noticed. I m sorry I said you were crazy and all. I mean you have a right to feel the way you do. I guess what I really want to say is that I just feel uncomfortable when you come along and I m with some other girl and we re just talking and I feel like I m doing something wrong. Evan is stating his feelings right up front. Strong feelings can complicate an issue, but if you put your feelings right out on the table, there s less of a tendency to let them creep in between the lines. And it s important to try and be aware of your feelings so you can discuss them instead of insulting or blaming someone else. You know, Ellen, I feel really bad when you pull away from me like that. I hate feeling this way, and I don t want you to feel bad either. So, what do you think? Can we talk about this, let each other know how we feel, instead of getting all mad? Yeah, I guess so. It s just that sometimes I feel so insecure. Now Evan and Ellen are beginning to express their feelings. Notice that Evan didn t say, You make me feel bad when you pull away from me. He s owning his own feelings and Ellen is admitting she feels insecure. You can use words like I feel, or I think, not You make me feel. Your feelings are your own, so own them. So, did you get that dress you wanted for the dance?

What are you talking about? That flirting I saw you coming on to Chris. What do you mean coming on to Chris? Don t deny it. I just saw the two of you together. I m not denying anything! El, you re so jealous all the time. You ve got to cut this out. I mean, it s just plain crazy. It s all in your mind. Oh it is, is it? Well, maybe I ll take my crazy mind and I ll go somewhere else. Ellen, wait up. You can t do this. What did Evan do wrong? Well, for starters, he told Ellen that what she was feeling was jealousy. Nobody likes someone else to tell them what they re feeling. And then, he not only insulted Ellen by telling her that her feelings were crazy, he also put her down by saying that her jealousy was all in her mind. And, with all this, Evan never talked about his own feelings. He was all you and no I. Evan needs to claim his feelings. Let s see what he does. Ellen, wait up. Look, I don t want to fight with you. Would you just listen to me for a minute Look, I ve noticed recently that you get really upset when you see me with other girls. Like the other day 44 5 Part 2: Receiving Messages A message goes nowhere unless someone is receiving it. After drama group members describe some annoying listening habits, Mr. Medina introduces strategies for improving listening skills. Active listening, he points out, includes sending signals that you are listening, like an occasional yes or uh-huh, or using checking questions. When a message is more complicated, he goes on, then asking clarifying questions such as those the students use to explore a passage from Macbeth can help you understand the meaning of a message. Another useful listening technique is paraphrasing, restating what you ve heard in your own words. Active listening also involves watching for non-verbal cues like tone and body language, and listening beyond the words to feelings. In summary, the narrator reviews the main techniques of active listening: being responsive, using checking and clarifying questions, paraphrasing, and listening beyond the words. Part 3: Communication Blockers The drama group is brainstorming ideas for a comedy skit for the Homecoming Pep Rally. Ellen interrupts Bill and ridicules his idea. Tension grows as Bill complains that girls always make a big deal out of nothing. Insults, sarcasm, interrupting, name-calling all are communication blockers that can stop communication dead in its tracks. Learning to avoid them, the narrator tells viewers, can clear the path to making your thoughts and feelings understood. Insults, sarcasm, and blaming, as well as globalizing words like always and never can really inflame a situation, the narrator goes on. Moreover, blockers tend to come in clusters. Once one is used, the others follow.

6 An exchange between Eric and Charlene shows how easily communication can be thwarted when one person expects another to be a mind reader. Another communication roadblock occurs when Evan fails to own his own feelings with his girlfriend, Ellen. When Evan begins to express and claim his feelings, he opens the way to a much more harmonious relationship with Ellen. Having resolved one problem, Evan must deal with another: persuading his father to let him use the family car on the night of the Homecoming Dance. A four-step process called Straight Talk helps him negotiate for what he wants. First, he chooses a time to talk when his father can be attentive and relaxed. When his father turns down his request, Evan goes on to Step 2 and 3: focusing positively on the situation and not getting argumentative or whiny. Finally, with Step 4, he and his father work out a compromise. The program closes with Evan picking up Ellen for the dance. So what s bugging you? Charlene: Okay. Remember how you promised me a ride to the dance Wait a minute I told you that I have to drive my kid brother to his friend s house and it would make me late. Ted promised to drive you. Charlene: Well, the thing is, this is my first dance at this school and I m scared I m gonna feel out of it. I figured I wouldn t be so uptight if you were there to back me up. I d rather be there late with you than be on time and feel so alone and self-conscious. You should know that. How could I know that?! You never told me. Look, why don t you come hang out with me until I drop my brother off and then we can go together. I didn t know how you felt. I m not a mindreader, you know. 43 Eric is right. He s no mindreader and shouldn t have to be. Charlene never gave Eric the chance to understand how she felt. Expecting someone to read your mind creates a communication roadblock because you re expecting the listener to guess what you re thinking and feeling, and maybe guess incorrectly. It s not always easy to communicate your feelings. But once you learn how, you ll be able to give a clearer picture of what you mean. There s Ellen and Evan. They re having a rough time right now. Let s see what s happening. What was that all about?

42 When you globalize you can put your listener in a defensive position like Bill did to Ellen and Jackie when he said you girls always make a big deal. And when someone feels defensive, the path to good communication closes off. Speaking about closed communication paths it seems like Eric and Charlene are at a serious communication roadblock. Coach Eliot has been working our tails off. We re gonna cream Franklin. So, I guess I ll see you at the dance. Charlene: Yeah, I guess so. Did you hear we ve got Razor and the Lasers? Their sound is so fine. Charlene: I m sure you ll love them. What s that supposed to mean? Charlene: Nothing. So, how many tickets have you sold? Don t change the subject, Charlene. We re good friends. Why don t you tell me what s wrong? You ve been refusing to talk to me ever since we got here. No wonder Charlene and Eric are at a communication standstill. Charlene is blocking all paths. She s barely responding to Eric s questions, and when she does, she s changing the subject. Eric s trying to understand what s bothering Charlene, but how can he when she refuses to tell him why she s annoyed? Questions For Discussion Part 1: Sending Messages (1) Explain how you think the miscommunication between Jackie and Jeff happened. How might their conversation have gone if they had been communicating clearly? (2) Has vague communication ever created a problem for you or someone you know? Explain. (3) The program talks about the pitfalls of expressing opinions as if they were facts. At the other end of the spectrum, some people have a great deal of difficulty expressing their opinions at all. Have you ever had a conversation with someone who resisted stating an opinion? How did that affect communication? (4) Why is how you say something just as important as what you say? Can you think of examples from your own experience where you understood a communication mainly through the tone in which the words were spoken? Describe these occasions. (5) Have you ever misunderstood someone because of the tone of voice he or she used? Describe what happened. (6) Body language communicates a great deal. What message might someone be sending when that person: avoids eye contact? sits or stands very close to you? keeps his arms folded across his chest? fidgets with a paper clip while you talk? mumbles and looks at the floor while speaking? smiles a lot and looks into your eyes while you converse? 7

8 (7) A mixed message is sent when your words say one thing and your body language says another. Can you think of examples of mixed messages? Have you ever sent a mixed message deliberately? Why? (8) Why is it that people tend to believe non-verbal messages more than they believe messages expressed in words? Part 2: Receiving Messages (1) Think of someone you consider to be a good listener. What is it about that person that makes him or her a good listener? (2) What are some of the signals people send that show they re not paying attention? What poor listening habits do you find especially irritating? (3) What are some signals that show someone is listening? What about listening on the telephone? (4) Using checking questions is a good way to make sure that you understand the instructions being given. Give examples of how checking questions might prove useful in the following situations: Your biology teacher announces an exam for next week. Your father is letting you use the family car this afternoon as long as you drive your sister to and from her dance class. Your friend asks you to take her picture using her new camera. You plan to take a certain bicycle trail you know your brother is more familiar with than you are. (5) What are some situations in which you would be likely to use clarifying questions? Can questions help to clarify feelings as well as facts? 41 name calling, no more sarcasm that s four communication blockers out of the way. Kathy: So, let s take a vote. Everybody in favor of Jackie s skit? Okay. I ll tell Mr. Medina what we decided to do so we can all start working at our next meeting. Dan: So what happened to all those great fights we were just having? Ah, the sarcasm, the insults Ah yes, the sarcasm and insults. Well Dan, insulting and blaming can really inflame a situation. And sarcasm that blocker tends to stop communication right in its tracks because the listener knows that what you re saying is hostile and just gets mad. You know, these communication blockers tend to come in clusters. Once they turn a discussion about something into a free-for-all, it just snowballs and people forget their original points. Everybody really got worked up back there. It really got to me when Bill accused us of always making a big deal out of nothing. We don t always make a fuss, do we? I mean, how often does anybody always do anything? I know. It s like when my mom says to me, Ellen, you always leave your room a mess. Or, You never help with the dishes. She doesn t count the times I do what she asks. Ellen s describing another kind of communication blocker called globalizing. That s when you over-generalize about someone s behavior like saying they always do something when they don t always do it, or never doing something when sometimes they do.

Charlene: No insults, no name-calling, and no sarcasm. 40 9 (6) In what kinds of situations might you need to ask clarifying questions as well as checking questions? Bill: That s fine with me. Maybe we ll actually get smoothing done. Bill, you never got to finish your idea. Let s hear it. Bill: It s like this It ll be kind of like a football thing. We ll have Batman with all his gadgets and The Joker being sort of funny in a twisted way. I don t have the whole plot down yet, but I think if we work on it we could really make something out of it. That sounds pretty funny. I didn t know that s what you meant when you started to tell us about it. I guess I shouldn t have interrupted. Kathy: The idea sounds good and everything, but it really needs a good script and we just don t have the time to do it. I agree with Kathy. I think your idea could really work, but we just can t put it together that fast. I have another idea. Remember that skit the teachers put on last year making fun of us coming back to school you know, the first-day-of-school bit. Well, why don t we use that idea with the football team? Oh, you mean like the first day of practice? Yeah, that s it. Things are looking up. No more interrupting, no more insults or (7) How does paraphrasing show that someone is listening? Why is it useful? (8) Try paraphrasing the following selections: A recent study found that twins either identical or fraternal were likely to have similar body weights. The study also showed that the weight of an adopted child is more likely to resemble that of his or her biological parents than adoptive parents. The study supports the idea that a tendency to be overweight is part of a person s genetic makeup not a matter of willpower. But does this mean that those who are born to be overweight have no hope? No. Experts agree that proper diet and exercise can counteract inherited tendencies. Those with heavy genes can keep their weight under control, but they do have to work harder at it. Suppose you re by yourself and you find someone lying unconscious on the ground. You might think that you should telephone for help. But, that s not the case. You should call out for help give a loud yell. Try to get someone s attention, and tell that person to phone for emergency medical help. Your first move should be to check the victim. If breathing and heartbeat have stopped, the victim needs immediate attention. Without oxygen, brain damage occurs in a matter of minutes. Even a few seconds can mean the difference between life and death, or between complete recovery and permanent damage. Any kind of exercise is good for you. All exercise burns calories, but aerobic exercise is espe-

10 cially good because it strengthens your heart and lungs. Anything that gets your pulse up and keeps it there for at least twenty minutes after warm-up is aerobic, like running, swimming, and bicycling. (9) When you are listening for feelings, what do you pay attention to? What things provide the best clues to what somebody is feeling? (10) People often make iceberg statements; that is, they reveal only one-tenth of their real feelings. Listening between the lines can provide a clue to concealed feelings. What hidden feelings can you find in the following statements? They ve got too many people on the committee already. I d like to ask Jackie to the party, but I m sure she s busy. Maybe we re too young to be going together. I m glad I found out in time what kind of friend you really are. Part 3: Communication Blockers (1) Communication blockers are things people say or do that get in the way of good communication or stop it altogether. What are some of these blockers? What might you do to avoid using them when communicating with others? (2) How would you define sarcasm? Why is sarcasm such an effective communication blocker? Why do you think people use sarcasm? (3) Discuss globalizing. Does globalizing ever have a basis in reality? How does it distort reality? How do you feel when someone says you always do this or never do that? How does globalizing relate to labeling? To reputation? Bill, you re just making things worse. Bill: Don t blame me. She s the one who s sarcastic and insulting. You girls are always making such a big deal about nothing. What do you mean, we girls? Yeah. Who do you think you are, Mr. Macho Man? Dan: Friends, Romans All: (Arguing) Hey, chill out. Come on, we ll never get anywhere at this rate. Title: Communication: The Person-to-Person Skill Part 3: Communication Blockers Insults, sarcasm, interrupting, name-calling communication blockers at work. Those things people say or do that can stand in the way of good communication and sometimes stop it altogether. You can learn to recognize and prevent these blockers. And when you do, you ll have a clear path for making your thoughts and feelings understood. Let s see if the drama group can get past these roadblocks. Hey, come on. Let s try and straighten this out. This time, no interrupting. Anyone and everyone gets a chance. 39

38 That s it. Be responsive. Question. Paraphrase. Listen beyond the words for tone, body language, and feelings. That s active listening. Try it. You ll like it. The End: part 2 SCRIPT: PART 3 Listen up. We have to come up with a short comedy skit for the Homecoming Pep Rally. We promised. Any ideas? Dan: Well, everyone thought that our production of Hamlet last year was a scream. What if we shorten it, make it like a Cliff notes version? Come on get serious. Does anybody have any real ideas? Bill: Wait a minute. I ve got the perfect idea for a skit. Picture this we can have Batman as captain of the home team and The Joker as captain of the visitor s team. You know, a cartoon kind of thing. It would be great. It could start like this Oh no, cartoon? That sounds so dumb! Maybe we should all just dress up as Bugs Bunny and do the bunny hop. Bill: You know Ellen, you didn t even let me finish what I was trying to say. You really should have kept it to yourself. Oh, and who made you king? 11 (4) Charlene expected Eric to know what she was feeling without having told him. Have you ever been upset or angry with someone and assumed they know why, when in fact they didn t? What happened? Have you ever had the experience of knowing someone was upset or angry about something or someone, without knowing why? What were the circumstances, how did it make you feel, and how was the situation resolved? (5) The narrator said that Evan used too much you and not enough I in talking to Ellen. What does the narrator mean by this? Why is it more effective to talk about what I do and feel, rather than pointing out things about you? (6) What does it mean to own your own feelings? Why are I statements less likely to provoke an argument than you statements? Try rewording the following you statements, changing each to an I statement: You don t know how it feels to be left out. How could you like her? You never listen to anything I say. Why do you always frustrate me when we work together? (7) What does it mean to be defensive? What kinds of statements and messages are likely to make someone defensive? How does defensiveness block communication? (8) Review and discuss the four-step negotiating process called Straight Talk. How would you use Straight Talk in the following situations? You were an hour late getting the car home last night. Now your father won t let you borrow the car for a month and you ve already promised to drive your friends to Playland next weekend.

12 You boyfriend/girlfriend has been pretty distant lately. Could it be that he/she is interested in someone else? You ve just been offered the part-time job of your dreams working at the local TV station. Your parents are afraid that your grades will suffer. Gotta be rock n roll music. If you wanna dance with me. I guess that s a new way of paraphrasing. Anyway, there s one more thing about listening, but probably the most important you need to listen to the feelings behind the words. Remember Alternate Weekends, the play we just read about the kid whose parents split up? Eric, would you do that monologue you memorized where he talks about his feelings? 37 Sure. When people ask me if it bothers me that my dad doesn t come to watch me play hoops anymore, or that my mother s never home, I ve got a straight answer for them. No. I don t care what they do. As a matter of fact, I m happy. I m happy that they re off my back. They re both nuts anyway. I m better off without them. How do you know that what he s saying isn t what he s feeling? I guess it was the way that Eric looked while he was talking down and away. Charlene: Yeah, and the way he moved, the way he used his hands, his body language. Eddie: Right. And his tone. Kathy: He just didn t sound like he didn t care. You got it. You have to listen to what you see, as well as what you hear. Remember, your audience is not just listening to the words.

Kathy: Why does the tale of sound and fury signify nothing? Dan: Well, that s good ol Shakespeare being heavy. You know, he s saying that life is so full of action, but that it s got no meaning. That s it. I think you all have the idea of how to use clarifying questions. There s one more type of listening exercise I d like to go over with you paraphrasing. Paraphrasing means checking what you hear by putting it into your own words. Does anyone have any notes they think we might be able to use for paraphrasing? Kathy: Here, how about these? They re from my music class. These will be fine. Kathy: One of the main differences between classical music and rock music is in the rhythm. In classical music, the beats are felt as an undercurrent. In rock music, the beats are heavily accented and are always regular. That s why rock music is easy to dance to. Can I try to paraphrase that one? Rock music is easier to dance to than classical music because the main beats always come when they re expected and are easy to hear. Dan: Or, in other words That s why it s gotta be rock n roll music. Any old way you choose it. It s got a back beat, you can t lose it. Any old way you choose it. 36 13 Suggested Activities (1) Before the class beings watching the program, distribute copies of the Good Communications Skills Checklist (page 18) and ask students to complete the questionnaire. Explain that most people can use help with communication skills, and that the checklist can serve as a personal progress report that will identify the areas in which their communication skills are weak and track their improvement. After the class has completed the checklist, tell students that a score of 60 or more means that they are on their way to becoming good communicators. At the end of the course, ask students to complete the questionnaire again to see whether their communication skills have improved. Ask them if they feel they have learned anything about themselves by watching the video and answering the discussion questions. If they wish, have them share their thoughts with the rest of the class. (2) When I use a word Humpty Dumpty said in rather a scornful tone, it means just what I choose it to mean neither more nor less. The question is, said Alice, whether you can make words mean so many different things. The question is, said Humpty Dumpty, which is to be master that s all. Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking-Glass Depending on the tone of voice, inflection, and body language used by a speaker, the same words can convey very different meanings. Write the following sentence or a similar one on the chalkboard: Linda is coming over this afternoon. Ask interested students to use tone and body language to vary the meaning of the sentence as it would be expressed in the following situations: You are excited that Linda is coming. You are afraid of what she is going to say.

14 You are angry that she is coming right now. You know that Linda always promises to come, but usually fails to show up. You are aware that Linda has nowhere else to go. You want to leave your house; Linda s coming is holding you up. As students take turns expressing one of the above situations, ask the rest of the class to guess the meaning of what is being conveyed. Lead a discussion on how inflection a change in pitch or loudness and the musical rise and fall of the voice contribute to meaning. Point out how a rising tone of voice conveys excitement while a declining one signals depression. If you wish, have students read aloud from a play such as Our Town or A Doll s House, or speak the lyrics to a popular song, changing the meaning of the words (i.e., message) through tone, inflection, and body language. (3) The silent signals people send through body language almost always involve some kind of message. Although reading body talk is a far-fromexact science, certain meanings can be inferred from the body positions people assume when talking or listening. Divide interested students into teams of two or three and, using what they have learned about conscious or unconscious body language, ask them to challenge the rest of the class to a game of What s Going On? Ask them to use body language to pantomime different interactions between people, then have the rest of the class guess the meaning of the body language. For example, Tim, Jeff, and Eric are talking heatedly. Tim folds his arms and shifts his feet slightly apart. Jeff does the same. What s going on? Or, David is sitting by himself in a class- 35 Dan: I have to admit, I m not the world s greatest listener, especially with things like instructions like how to get someplace or details on some English paper stuff like that. But I try to check it out. Like I ll say to my teacher, Okay, now you want the outline in by the 12th, and the paper in by the 20th, typed and doublespaced, and at least ten pages right? I usually get it then. That s good, Dan. You re using a technique called checking questions saying back the information you get to verify it, to check it out. Kathy: What about if it s more complicated than just instructions? When you re listening to something you don t quite get, think of questions to ask about what s not clear. They re called clarifying questions. Let s try one now. Dan, would you read this section right here. It s from Macbeth. The rest of you will think of clarifying questions you might have. Dan: Life s but a walking shadow, a poor player That struts and frets his hour upon the stage And then is heard no more: It is a tale Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing. What does Macbeth mean when he says that life is a walking shadow? I think he s trying to say that life is only a pale outline. The walking shadow is not substantial. It s not real, like an actor.

34 Yeah, I know what you mean. Sometimes I get to concentrating so hard on my own part that I don t really listen to anyone else, except to hear my cues. Well, that s the difference between just hearing and listening. Listening the art of receiving messages. Unless there s listening, there s nothing happening in the way of communication. Even if we don t think about it a lot, it s something we re conscious of. I m sure you ve heard people say, She s a good listener. Or, The trouble with him is, he never listens. Listening is worth being good at. It makes you a better friend, a better student, and, generally, a better informed person. Title: Communication: The Person-to-Person Skill Part 2: Receiving Messages Charlene: I guess I m only aware of listening when I feel someone s not listening to me. Bill: Yeah, like my Uncle Bob when I talk to him, he just stands there. You can never tell if he s listening or thinking about his golf swing. It s like talking to a wall. That is annoying. A nod or an uh-huh from Bill s uncle would at least let Bill know he s with him and not miles away, in his own world. Tell you what drives me crazy when you re talking to someone and you can tell all they re thinking about is what they re going to say as soon as you finish. 15 room. When Sharon walks in, he puts his hand to his head and smooths his hair. What is he unconsciously signalling? (4) Assign interested students to read Your Silent Language by Elizabeth McGough, a book on body language that presents the subject from a teenage point of view. Ask them to pick one of the following topics and report on it to the rest of the class: Communications Patterns What Message Do You Send? Eye, Facial, and Head Movements Body Postures The Courting Game Space Needs Body Language Around the World (Cross-Cultural Differences) (5) When two people talk and one of them fails to listen, can they be said to be having a conversation? Listening well makes you a better friend, a better student, and a better informed person in general. It involves being responsive asking questions and paraphrasing and, in many situations, listening beyond the words. Listeners who want to understand and respond to the feelings behind the words will listen attentively and then, by asking for feedback, will get a truer picture of what the speaker is experiencing. Phrases such as What do you mean? It sounds as if You feel (or think) or Let me see if I understand you correctly are useful for getting the speaker to add more information to his/her original statement. Ask interested students to devise situations and write dialogue for two-person mini-dramas based on the

16 following conversational openings: A fine friend you turned out to be. It isn t fair! My English teacher gave me a C on my term paper. At this school, the jocks get all the attention. My father makes a big deal out of the simplest things. Ask the student writers to set two scenes: one in which a communication blocker brings the conversation to a stop, and a second in which responsive listening skills are used to try to understand the feelings behind the words. Ask interested students to perform the dialogues, and ask the rest of the class to note whether the players tone and body language in each scene matches what they are saying. (6) When we own our own feelings, make I statements, we take responsibility for them. When we make you statements, we often belittle others by telling them what they are thinking or feeling. Divide interested students into pairs. Ask each pair to select one of the situations below, then role-play it two ways: first by using the more accusatory you statements, then by making I statements. They can either write dialogue for the two versions, or agree in advance on a general outline of the scene and then improvise. Sara and Liz have been assigned to prepare a special report for biology class. With the report due in two days, Sara finds that Liz hasn t completed her half of the research. Liz can t understand why Sara is upset. Jennifer s boyfriend, Mark, spends most of his after-school time at soccer practice. Jennifer thinks he wants to break up their relationship. You and your friend are planning a party. You Kevin: That s how it looked? Kathy: Yeah, it did. I couldn t hear what you were saying, but I saw you weren t even looking at him while he was talking to you. Kevin: Maybe you re right. I m gonna go straighten this out right now. I m gonna go back in and I m gonna let him know that I really do want this tutoring thing. Wait here for me, okay? Kathy: Okay, I will. Good luck. Knowing how you come across to people is part of being a good communicator. When Kevin realized what he looked like to Mr. Cooper he was able to take action and clear up the misunderstanding. Recognizing the elements of good communication can help you improve your skills. Remember the three C s: Be clear, concise, and complete. Be aware of the difference between fact and opinion. When you speak pay attention to tone and body language. And try to make your words and body language send the same message. Making connections the ones you mean to make. That s what good communication is all about. The End - Part 1 Script: Part 2 Okay class, listen up. Now last week we concentrated on communicating your characters through tone and body language. But acting isn t simply playing out your own role. It s just as important to listen to the other characters so that you can feed off what they say and do. 33

32 What should Mr. Cooper think? What s the real message Kevin s sending? Should Mr. Cooper believe Kevin s words or actions? Mr. Cooper: Listen, you seem a little distracted right now. Let s just make an appointment to discuss this some other time. 17 don t want to include Ted and Nicky because they will insist on bringing alcohol. Your friend doesn t think this is such a big deal. You and your sister are supposed to share the family chores, but you resent the fact that you end up doing most of the work. It s difficult to understand someone when their words are saying one thing and their body is saying something else. When the listener receives a mixed message, it forces him to make a choice which message shall I believe? Most often, the non-verbal one wins out. Mr. Cooper: I don t know Kevin, it doesn t seem like you really want a tutor. Maybe we just ought to leave this for some other time, all right? Are you finished? Kevin: Yeah, I guess so. Kathy: What went on back there? Kevin: Man, he was weird. First he came on real nice and said he d get me some tutoring in Chem. And then, all of a sudden, he s practically throwing me out. I mean I want to get my grades up again I told him that. I don t get it. Kathy: I don t know, it sure didn t look like you were that interested. It didn t even look like you were listening to him. I mean, I don t mean to put you down or anything, but I kind of understand how he thought you didn t care.

Good Communications Skills Checklist After reading the questions below, fill in the number which best describes your communication skills: 18 Almost Never 1 Usually 4 Seldom 2 Almost Always 5 Sometimes 3 When I talk to someone 1. I am clear about what I mean. 2. I put detail into the things I talk about. 3. I am careful to differentiate opinions from facts 4. I put my feelings into what I say. 5. I am conscious of my tone of voice. 6. I am conscious of my body language. 7. I watch for feedback from the other person. 31 you. And there they go. But what happens when your words and your body language don t match? Kevin: Uh, Mr. Cooper, would it be all right if I put this poster up for the Homecoming Dance? Mr. Cooper: Sure Kevin. There are some tacks on the board. Listen, I m glad you re here. I ve been meaning to talk to you. If you ve got a minute, this is as good a time as any. Kevin: No problem. Mr. Cooper: Kevin, you re a pretty good chem student, but lately I ve been a little worried about your grades. Your last couple of test scores really took a dive. And your last lab report wasn t up to par either. Is there something bothering you in class? Kevin: No. No. I just have to hit the books a little more. I do want to get my grades back up. 8. When I don t understand something, I ask for more information. Kathy: Excuse me, Mr. Cooper. Hi Kevin, you ready to go? 9. I try not to use sarcasm or insults. 10. I choose the right moment to raise an important or sensitive issue. When someone speaks to me 11. I pay attention. Kevin: Hi Kathy. Just wait I ll just be a second. Mr. Cooper: You know we have a peer tutor program. I think that it would work really well for you, but you d have to be committed to it. What would you think about it? 12. I wait until he/she finishes before speaking myself. Kevin: Uh, I guess it sounds okay.

30 No, I think that Kathy s dishing it out to Jackie because she stole her boyfriend. Well, you got the message. Even though you don t have the exact particulars, you know that Kathy was chewing Jackie out for something. And how do you know it? Tone of voice. For instance, you can see how much meaning and feeling can be conveyed with just your voice. Okay, let s try another one. Dan and Ellen, your turn. I want you to pretend to be boyfriend and girlfriend saying goodbye to each other for summer vacation. Make up a nonsense word only one. And think about how you ll use it louder, softer, faster, slower, stress, no stress but remember, only your voice, no body language allowed. It s pretty clear it s not just what you say, but how you say it the tone you use. Another way you communicate non-verbally is through body language. Your body language sends messages to others by the way you stand, sit, walk, use your hands, and by your facial expressions. Experts say we get more meaning from non-verbal cues, such as tone and body language, than from words. 13. I pay attention to the speaker s tone of voice. 14. I pay attention to the speaker s body language. 15. I use body language or verbal cues to signal that I m listening. 19 16. I make it a point not to interrupt. 17. I make it a point not to jump to conclusions. 18. I ask questions if I don t understand. 19. I paraphrase if what the speaker is saying seems complicated. 20. I listen beyond the words for meaning. Watch Emily. Her body language is sending a message as clearly as if she were speaking aloud. People get Emily s message and ignore her even though she hasn t uttered a word. She doesn t need to. She s communicating non-verbally. What about Debra and Darryl? They don t know each other, and now they re deciding if they d like to. Now watch. They make eye contact. She looks away. A not interested signal? No she s looking up. Yes! Eye contact and holding. If Debra had looked away, Darryl might have gotten the signal that she wasn t interested and he probably wouldn t have gotten up to talk to her. But Debra s body language said I d like to meet

Name That Blocker 20 Communication blockers stand in the way of good communication and sometimes stop it altogether. Learning to recognize these blockers can help you keep them from cropping up in your conversations and provide a smoother pathway toward making your thoughts and feelings clear. See how many of the following communication blockers you can identify correctly. In the blank to the right of each sentence, fill in the kind of blocker you think is being used: Blaming, Sarcasm, Insulting, Name-Calling, Mind- Reading, Globalizing, Changing the Subject. 1. I m sure Jenny doesn t care if we re late. 2. Since you re such an expert, why don t we just call you, Mr. Genius. 3. Bob, you re always telling people what to do. 4. You re so cute when you re angry. 5. I didn t think you would mind if I borrowed your notes. 29 Jason: Well, he s just the exception that proves the rule. Come on, you know that if you join a team in this school, all you ll meet are the biggest jerks. There Jason goes again stating an opinion as though it s fact. Sometimes opinions stated as facts have a way of sounding hostile. They can even stop a conversation dead in its tracks. Jason: Hey look that s just the way it is. Debra: Forget it, Jason. You obviously cannot discuss this intelligently. I mean, you think jocks are dumb. That s just your opinion. So stop saying it like it s fact. When you use phrases like, I think It seems to me In my opinion it tells your listener that what you re stating is your opinion. That way you re much more likely to have an open exchange of ideas rather than an argument. And sometimes it s not only the words you use, but the way you say them. If you stop and think about it, you ll realize there s more to spoken communication than the actual words. Let s listen in on the drama club. 6. Only jerks would forget to bring money. Okay, thank you. What did you get out of that? 7. Who made you king? 8. You turn everything into an argument. 9. I can t believe you d be so stupid. 10. I know better than to ask you. Bill: Well, I thought Kathy was Jackie s boss and she was chewing her out about something. Okay. Any other ideas? Charlene: I think that Kathy was Jackie s mom and she was lecturing her.

Jeff: No you didn t. Still friends? Jeff: Yeah, sure. I understand. Saying what you mean to say isn t always that easy, as Jackie found out. It ll help if you stick with the 3 C s. Be clear, concise, and complete. Stay with one topic at a time, be specific, don t let too much detail confuse your listener. But, on the other hand, give enough information so your listener will understand you. That s the key to get your listener to understand. 28 21 11. Okay, Mr. Know-It-All. 12. Boy, are you a cheapskate! 13. You never stand up for what you think. 14. You think that s bad? Let me tell you what happened to me. 15. I m sure you would like it. 16. If it weren t for you, we d have won. Eddie: Ya know, I think I m going to try out for football next year. Jason: Try out for football? You re kidding. You d hate it. Jocks are so dumb. Other Kids: No way. Oh, right, you re Mr. Genius. Well, that s Jason s opinion, even though he s making it sound like fact. Opinions tell what you think, how you see something, what you believe. They are not facts. To be a good communicator, you need to recognize the difference between fact and opinion. Jason: Jocks all think they re so cool, but they re really pea-brains. Debra: That s just your opinion. Besides, you re only saying that cause you re not into sports. What about Eric? He gets straight A s.

Suggested Reading 22 Banville, Thomas G. How to Listen How to Be Heard. Nelson-Hall, 1978. (The how-tos of effective listening.) Body Language: Silent Signals You Send. Teen, February 1987, p. 18. (What you can learn from listening to body language.) Elgin, Suzetter Haden. The Last Word on the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense. Prentice Hall, 1987. (How to develop verbal and non-verbal communication skills that can help you say what you mean and get positive responses from listeners.) Fast, Julius. Body Language. M. Evans and Co., 1970. (All about non-verbal communication.) Fast, Julius and Barbara. Talking Between the Lines: How We Mean More than We Say. New York: Viking, 1979. (Why how you choose to say something is just as important was what you say.) Garner, Alan. Conversationally Speaking. McGraw-Hill, 1981. (A how-to for improving your conversational skills.) Hayakawa, S. I. Language In Thought and Action. Harcourt, Brace & World, 1939. (An introduction to semantics that has become a standard in the field.) Kolodny, Nancy J. M.S.W., Dr. Robert Kolodny, and Thomas E. Bratter, Ed.D. Smart Choices. Little, Brown and Co., 1986. (For teenagers: section on The Art and Science of Communication with Parents. ) 27 message he got. You know, you better talk to him and clear things up. You re right. I guess I ve got to let Jeff know the real score, and soon. But how? Well, maybe if you get him alone so he won t be embarrassed. And then just be as nice as possible, but you ve got to tell him straight out. Okay. I ll do it before I lose my nerve. Wish me luck! Good luck. Jeff. Can I talk to you for a minute? Jeff: Yeah, sure. Over there maybe. Jeff: I got this new suit for the dance. It looks really great. That s great. Listen, I think we had a little communication problem the other day. When I said that we d have a great time at the Homecoming Dance, I was just agreeing that the dance would be great. I didn t mean that I d go with you. This is kind of embarrassing cause I already said that I d go with somebody else. I m really sorry. I guess I didn t make it clear.

Title: Communication: The Person-to-Person Skill Part 1: Sending Messages Jeff thinks Jackie said yes, but that s not what Jackie thinks. In fact, Jackie didn t even hear Jeff s invitation. At least not the way he meant it. What we have here is a failure to communicate. Communication the sending and receiving of messages. It seems so simple, yet it can get so complicated. The bad news is most of us could use some help with our communication skills. The good news is if you improve your skills, you re more likely to get what you want and have better relationships with your friends, your teachers, your parents. And it s not hard at all. Let s see how Jackie does. So you see he never really asked me, and I never accepted. All I said was that we d have a great time. 26 23 Lamb, Wendy. Why You Can t Talk to Your Parents Anymore. Seventeen, February 1987. (Finding new ways to communication with parents.) McGough, Elizabeth. Your Silent Language. William Morrow, 1974. (Investigates body language from a teenager s point of view.) Miller, Casey, And Kate Swift. Words and Women. Anchor Books, 1977. (Surveys the ways in which sex bias is built into the English language.) Miller, Sherod, Ph.D. et. al. Straight Talk. Rawson, Wade Publishers, 1981. (How to use Straight Talk to overcome roadblocks to effective communication.) Pease, Allan. Signals. Bantam Books, 1984. (How to read body language.) I don t know, Jackie. Sounds to me like neither one of you was exactly clear. Ellen s right on the money. There wasn t clear communication between Jeff and Jackie. Jackie was right when she said Jeff never really asked her out. He wasn t specific. And Jackie wasn t specific either when she said We ll have a great time. When you re not clear about the message you re sending your listener, there can be trouble ahead. But the point is I didn t do anything wrong. I never said that I d go with him. I m not so sure that is the point. The point is you really wanted Jeff to know that you weren t going with him, but that s not the