ABBOT AND COSTELLO Abbot and Costello Car WWII Originally broadcast in 1942 Cast Bud Abbott Lou Costello Mrs. Niles Mr. Niles
Abbott and Costello LOU: HHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYY AAABBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTT!!! MUSIC: Theme music, applause, whistling LOU: Hey Abbott, Hey Abbott, Abbott!! (all excited) BUD: Co- LOU: Abbott! BUD: Costello - Costello - Costello! Calm yourself!! Why are you so excited?? LOU: Hey Abbott! I think the war is over! BUD: OOhh, that's silly. What makes you think the war is over? LOU: I heard the lady next door talking back to her maid! BUD: Well, never mind that. LOU: Yes. BUD: Look Never mind that Lou. Look, you know we have got to drive out to the 'eight-to-thebar' ranch to see the Andrews sisters. Now did you borrow Ken Miles' car? LOU: Oh yeah, I borrowed it, just like you told me. BUD: Well, that's swell. LOU: But I had a terrible accident Abbott. BUD: What do you mean? LOU: I upset it. I gotta turn it over right away or Ken Miles wife won't like it! BUD: Well, we can do that when we come back from the Andrews Sisters' ranch. LOU: No, I gotta turn the car over right now or Mrs. Niles is going to be mad BUD: I'll explain to Mrs. Niles. Where is she? LOU: She's under the car! BUD: She under the car?? eh eh, is she in a coma?? LOU: No, she's wearing her evening gown! BUD: Ohhh! Well then lets get Ken Niles to help us lift the car! 2
LOU: OOhh, Kenneth's in a good spot to help us BUD: Fine! Eh, where is he? LOU: He's under the car too! BUD: For goodness sakes! How did this accident happen? LOU: I bumped into another car Abbott, boy that driver was mad at me LOU: He said, for 2 cents, I'd punch you in the nose. BUD: And what happened? LOU: He ran up a bill of 8 dollars! BUD: You were silly to argue with the driver! Why didn't you call a policeman? LOU: I didn't have too - I hit one! BUD: You hit a policeman? LOU: I hit a policeman BUD: You hit a Policeman in uniform? LOU: No, I hit him in the nose BUD: Ooh, this liable to spoil our whole trip to the Andrews Sisters ranch - eh, did the cop recognize you? LOU: Yep BUD: Eh, could he swear to you? LOU: Yep - and I'd swear right back at him! LOU: I said you old David Copperfield, you tale of two cities, you Oliver Twist. BUD: Why did you say that for? LOU: I was giving him the Dickens! BUD: Ohhh, this is a fine thing. Now I have to straighten you out with that policeman. Where is he? LOU: He's under the car too! BUD: What are they all doing under the car? 3
LOU: Have you looked for an apartment lately? BUD: Oh oh - uh oh, here comes Mr. and Mrs. Niles. Better beat it Costello! NILES: Oh no you don't! You fat headed, flabby, car flipping fool! Do you realize you left me out there under the car holding up my Rumble seat? NILES: Don't stand there like an idiot, what have you got to say? LOU: Good Morning Mrs. Niles. (Thought she was wearing her evening gown!) NILES: Don't good morning' me! LOU: Good night Mrs. Niles! That day went fast didn't it? BUD: Costello! Why did you leave Mrs. Niles under the back seat of her car? LOU: Well, isn't that where they always keep the crank? NILES: Kenneth... LOU: <shouts> (Probably an add-lib) You had it coming Mrs. Niles! BUD: No no. Be nice Lou. NILES: (continuing from her last sentence) Kenneth, Say something. MR. NILES: Well, alright...i er...just a minute now you worm (Lou, Bud mumble together. ) BUD: Alright alright - please. LOU: Go ahead, go ahead ball me out kid! You're supposed to. MR. NILES: You're trying to wiggle out of this! What about me? Look at my suit! I'm a mess! LOU: Niles! Without looking at your suit, you're a mess! MR. NILES: But look at the spots all over my suit! 4
LOU: Well throw away the suit and wear the spots NILES: Oh Costello. I've had enough. We're going out to get the policeman and sue you for damages! BUD: Damages? But Mrs. Niles, did you get hurt?? NILES: Did I get hurt? I have a big scratch on my crazy bone. LOU: Put your hat on and no one will notice it!! AHAA!! NILES: Ooooh!! Come Kenneth! LOU: Hey, come on Abbott, think fast I gotta get out of here before they come back with the cop BUD: ohh, you can cause more trouble! We were going to the eight-to-the-bar-ranch to ask the Andrews Sisters to appear on our show. And YOU wrecked the car we were going to use! Well, now we'll have to rent a car LOU: Well, lets get another car! (the boys pick up momentum here and it's fast paced and funny ) BUD: We'll have to! LOU: But where can we get one? BUD: A U drive LOU: Me drive? BUD: No...U drive! LOU: I said I'd drive BUD: You don't drive it. I drive it LOU: Drive what? BUD: A U drive LOU: Why should I drive when you wanna drive? BUD: I'm going to drive! Look Costello, I'm renting a U drive and I drive it. LOU: Oh then we both drive it. 5
BUD: No, we do nothing of the kind. I drive it. When I say U drive, I don't mean *you* drive, I mean that I drive although it's a U drive. LOU: When you say U drive, you don't mean me drive? BUD: No LOU: You mean 'you drive' because I don't drive. BUD: Now you've got it! LOU: Now I got it? I don't even know what I'm talking about! LOU: Now look Abbott. You go to a place and you are going to rent a car? BUD: Yes LOU: You are driving a car? BUD: Yes LOU: Where am I sitting? BUD: You are sitting right next to me. LOU: Is there a steering wheel in front of me? BUD: No! LOU: And you are positive that I am not driving? BUD: I'm positive! LOU: And you are driving the car? BUD: Yes! LOU: Alright, what kind of a car you are driving? BUD: U DRIVE! LOU: Somebody better be driving! BUD: No no no...look please. I am trying to explain this. We go and rent a car LOU: Right, now where we gonna get it? BUD: U drive company. 6
LOU: Now I drive company. (shouts) I thought we were going alone! BUD: You don't understand!! It's Hertz U drive LOU: Well, if it hurts, *you* drive BUD: That is right! LOU: That's right?? This is getting worse! BUD: Don't you see? The head of the company's Hertz. LOU: That's to bad, what hurts him? BUD: Nothing hurts him! Look every company has to have a head. LOU: Naturally! BUD: Now this company's head's Hertz LOU: Oh! Why doesn't he take an aspirin? BUD: Listen. It's Hertz U drive - ALL over the country LOU: Well if it hurts to drive all over the country why should I drive and get hurt? BUD: You don't get hurt! LOU: (child whine) - IIII'm not going to get hurt. BUD: You don't get hurt Costello! LOU: Nobody's gonna hurt meeee!! BUD: That's right. You're not going to get hurt LOU: I'm not a fool to get hurt. BUD: You're not going to get hurt. It's the Hertz company! LOU: (understanding now) Oh the Hertz company! LOU: (really messes up the routine now!) I still...i still...look Abbott...I...Am I mixed up!! BUD: Alright. It's very simple! LOU: Look Abbott - thank you boy! look Abbott BUD: Alright. Now... 7
LOU: I don't want to hurt nobody BUD: Will you listen to me please. The man's name is... Look, Lou, please...look, take it easy the man's name is Hertz, he rents U Drive. It's the U drive all over the country. LOU: U drive all over the country? Not with that O. P.A. brother. BUD: What are you talking about? LOU: That's why I can't go, O.P.A. BUD: What do you mean O.P.A LOU: Only a Puny "A" Card!! BUD: Get outta here!! EXPLANATION OF OPA The O.P.A. refers to the Office of Price Administration, the U.S.government agency in charge of rationing during World War II. The punchline to this routine ("Only a puny 'A' card!") refers to gasoline rationing cards issued to the public beginning in 1942. Ordinary citizens with a car got 5 gallons of gasoline a month with an "A" card. People with certain occupations got "B" cards (10 gallons), while others with "essential jobs" like doctors got "C"cards (more than 10 gallons) depending on how "essential" their occupation was considered and how far they had to drive to work. Citizens received stickers (marked "A," "B" or "C") to put on the front windshield (windscreen) of the car. So, the joke is that a puny "A" card wouldn't buy you enough gasoline to drive "all over the country"... 8