Ed Stone is Dead Episode 5: Ed Stone is Gay Script & words Beth - you're - bouncing on my bed. Uh-huh. Beth - you've, broken my bed. Welcome to my new plan for getting you together with Doctor Tom. What - I have you sectioned and we bond while he's signing the forms? "Hello, Dr Nicholls; it's Kate your student here and my bed's broken, I was wondering if there was any room in yours?" "Hello Kate, yes you're clearly a freak please never talk to me again. Bye bye." Now you're just being silly. What man is going to refuse you going over to sleep in his bed? I don't know, one who thinks he's being stalked? Ooops. Now you'll have to call him. 1
No I won't. I'll just have to sleep in your bed. Huh? What? But I only have Kingsize. Kate - I need my space. Whatabout Scotty - he'll have room Yes, but the question is, why does he have room? The answer - because his sheet finally disintegrated and he sleeps on a towel. Euhhh. Well, Ed's room is nice and clean Sleep, in a bed, with Ed? Yeah right, if I had a set of 300 volt pyjamas. What abou.....and forget Adam's bed, if tonight's the night he finally comes out to us and brings a bloke back from a club, I don't want to be the one who ruins his image on the scene. Oh, alright. Just don't try anything. What? - I'm only saying, I know I'm hard to resist. But resist. Ed? What.. why are you?... It's 4.30 in the morning, Is it? You're kidding! No wonder I'm incredibly tired. What's going on? Nothing. I'm just reading - anyway, what's going on with you? 2
Beth broke my bed so I slept in hers. Or tried to. How can one American have so many elbows? Hold on - you and Beth - and your bed couldn't take the strain - I don't suppose you have photos I could sell? Beth broke my bed because she's nuts and I slept in hers because there was nowhere else to go. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to sleep here tonight You know, you're welcome, if you want, to sleep in my bed. Oh really? Sleep in your bed? Yeah? Yeah, that's a very generous offer. Eh? Relax, I'm not going to try anything on. Oh sure - Ed Stone won't try anything on. Sure he won't. Right, oh, never going to happen. Right? Kate, come on - I promise. This is great. Isn't this great, that we're so cool with each other that we can do this I suppose. Yeah I guess you have changed a bit lately. I've just been thinking a lot about what I really want out of, er, life. That's great, Ed. And I'm sorry what I said before - about you trying it on. 3
Hey, that was just a bit of friendly banter between mates. That's right - isn't it? That's what mates do. They wind each other up, they have a laugh, they... share the same bed Exactly. And if I move right over here. Then there's plenty of room for your... arms, and your legs. And your hair. Yeah, and if I lie very, very still, you won't even notice I'm here. Great! So a really, really long night's sleep just lying, asleep in the dark, for hours. Uh-huh. That's right. This is going to be great. Yes. Great. This is excellent. I'm attracted to a woman. I can't believe it. I'm actually attracted to a woman You are? But... I know - that's meant to be gone, but, baby, all I can say is, I'm back! Ed - this is great. Maybe you're coming back to life? We should, I know... Okay - Adam, just a note - if I do ever come back to life - my first desire is not to have my face burnt off with scalding coffee, okay? 4
Okay. But what's going on Ed - are you sure about this? Put it this way She lit my candle. She lit your candle? And what you both enjoyed the sweet smell of sandalwood? As in, she reignited by fires. Comprende? She - lit - my - candle. Ohh. Ooohh, she lit your candle! Thing is, I couldn't do a thing about it. Because of the death rules. Man, it was like being in all you can eat restaurant with a gag in your mouth. So come on, who's is it? Who's got the power? It's Kate. Oh my God! This is great - 'My Dead Friend Loves His Housemate' this has got to be a TV movie - at least. What about this? Not bad... what sort of, Live and Let Die era, down battling the voodooists? Or, this could work. Yeah - You Only Live Twice - the Japanese Fisherman disguise? 5
Exactly. The thing is, does it say 'Bond'. I mean would you see me in this and think - 'Bond'! Do you have to go in fancy dress? Adam, this is the 15th annual Bondathon. You do not go in 'fancy dress' to the Bondathon. You go, as Bond would go. There's always the frogman look from Thunderball? Nuh-hu. I learnt that last year. Flippers and revolving doors do not mix. Ad, can we talk? Last night - it's a long story, but basically I ended up sleeping in Ed's bed. Oh, really? I did not know that. Yeah, it started out as just a mates thing, but all of a sudden, I find myself thinking about it. Oh really? Yeah, thinking about 'it' and 'him' in the same sentence, along with the words 'doing' and 'with'. It was so unexpected. But the weird thing was - he showed no interest. Nothing. Umm, that is a surprise. 6
It's so weird. I mean, I still think Doctor Tom's the man for me. But with Ed - I'm sure there was this - this, connection, but now I'm thinking it's just me... Uh-huh. So now I'm thinking, maybe he just doesn't think I'm attractive - Oh, I don't think so... I mean, maybe he doesn't want to go anywhere near me. Look, Kate, I know that's not true. Don't ask me how I know, I just do. But you're right - he has changed. More than you know. What do you mean? I can't say. Until he says something - I just don't think it's right for me to say. But he's told you? Well - yes he has - but to be honest - even before he told me, I could just tell. What? You could tell. You mean? He's changed, but like in a way - which someone like you would notice That's right. I'm very perceptive you see. OK. And this 'change' means that although he likes me, he won t... 7
He can't... yeah - he can't ahem - 'act' on it now. Oh my god. I don't believe it Ad, I just want to reassure you - I don't know anything, okay? You haven't told me anything. Well, yeah, that's right - because - I haven't. Exactly. No, I mean, really - I haven't told you anything. That's right, Adam, that's exactly right. You haven't told me anything at all. Morning Ed. Ahh! How the hell did you get in here? Have you ever heard of matter transmogrification? No. That doesn't surprise me, you've not even heard of locking the back door. I was actually about to come and see you, I need to talk to you - something major has happened - Yes, fascinating... this is digital reception, right? 8
Er yeah. So - I've got feelings for a woman. And not just sexual feelings - I mean, sex is involved, but it's more than that But it does have a SCART connection? What I'm saying is, I've got my desires back - but they feel totally different than they've ever felt before! Listen, Ed, 'old mate', here's the thing. My TV's died on me. Huh. Ironic, eh? Yeeesss. Very good. Anyway, I need somewhere to rest my scythe, so to speak, between jobs. You read me? Somewhere with a TV? Nige, my TV is your TV. Just one thing - if there's a fight over the remote - no funny business okay? Okay. Gay. Gay. He's gay. We've been through this, it's not true. And Top Gun is still a great movie. Ed's gay. Adam said. What?! 9
It all fits. Think about it - Ed's always so clean. And trim. And all the macho stuff - in a way it did always have a, a phoney ring to it Kate, honey, I can give you four very good reasons right now why Ed is not gay: 1. He doesn't fancy men. 2. He fancies women. 3. He's not gay, and 4. He's just not gay. Yeah, sure, that's the old Ed. But he's changed - I think he's found his true self. Look, I know I should talk you down from this weird delusion and all, but I really don't have the time, I'm picking up my Dad from the airport. How do I look? Er... I don't know - a bit... Exactly! I'm going to blow my dad's tiny suburban mind. Say hello to Beth the crazy Euro-enviro-charity-chick. You know if you're worried about the environment, you can take the train to the airport. The bus? Kate, I'm concerned, I'm not some kind of maniac. You, know I could have driven the car myself Dad! BRUNO Sure baby, but I'm drawing up a new will and if I died now the lawyers would get it all. So Dan Johnson said to say hi. Huh. BRUNO Hi, and that he's got a Ferrari. 10
Dan Johnson can blow it out of his tail-pipe. BRUNO Heh, heh. Feisty. Just like your mother was. But I broke her down in the end! My little Beth Ray, you haven't changed a bit. Dad, listen, you've got to realise, I'm not the little girl I was when I left home. I'm an independent woman. I work for charity. I live with freaks, losers. BRUNO Oh yeah, I'm sure you're quite the changed little person Beth. I live with a gay guy. BRUNO Well that's great. I believe their type are very clean. Plus Dan'll be glad to hear there's no competition! Sure, no competition here, except my boyfriend! BRUNO You have a boyfriend over here? Sure - and this is our room - Dad, meet... Scotty! Well, hello there, pleased to make your acquaintance. BRUNO You had me worried there, but you know, he looks just like Dan Johnson! That's the 15th game, man! I always beat you on that. How come you're beating me on that? 11
Well, what if I was to tell you I am one of the living dead and I stay up all night and practice secretly? Yeah, right, you've been looking at the cheats on the net, right? Right. So the big news is I've finally got together with Beth. You're kidding me! Hey - Kate, get the lowdown on Scotty and Beth! Oh - you are kind of a gossip aren't you Ed? I never noticed before. Whatever. So, Scotty Yeah, well, of course she says it's a 'pretend' relationship. For the sake of her Dad. But that's just a classic double reverse self-bluff. And that works - how? Well, Beth wants to go out with me - right? We can all see that. / Er... But obviously - she's scared of commitment. So, clearly, she's manipulated this whole thing like 'oh I've got to pretend to go out with Scotty to impress my Dad'. And I'm just sitting here lapping it up, eating it with my big old spoon. 12
/ Okay. And now I'm tight with her Dad! He freaked for my idea for the guitrumpet. The guitrumpet - that's the trombone you fart into? The guitar you blow into. Right, right. I remember. Okay, so - let's see if I can whip you on Death Raid. Aw, I dunno, man, I'm bored of shooting you up. What about that trippy game where you're the little dog dancing over all those mushrooms and flowers? How did I miss this? Bruno, you're a crazy man. He crazy! Ha ha ha ha. Yeah, I guess we do make a kind of a great couple. Okay - well, see you later - 'In a while, anglophile'. Tsch. That guy! He really seems to like you, doesn't he? Well the Scotty pretend boyfriend service is the gold standard. No Scotty - things aren't working out. You see, the reason I told my Dad you were my boyfriend...was like to show him I'm not the nice little girl he still thinks I am. It was meant to show him I like scum balls. Ri-ght. 13
So - I'd really really appreciate it if you could, like, show him the real you. By 'real me' you mean the wise Beat philosopher? I was thinking more of the foul-mouthed slacker. Scotty, if you can gross-out my Dad I'll do anything for you. Anything? I'll even go out with you. And not in a humiliatingly fake way. Let the gross-out commence! Hey Beth. Hmm. Wow. Ironing. Kate said you'd - changed. At first I thought it was just something to pass the time. But now I really like it. No. No, I can't believe this. You're not telling me you find laundry more interesting than say for example - a woman, like for example, me? You know, you can sail through cottons if you really let them have it with the steam Ed, I'm feeling a bit run down. I was wondering if you'd come upstairs and give me a body massage. I've got plenty of lotion. 14
Er well, I want to do all Adam's shirts before he gets back from work - as a surprise Ed, I don't know if you heard me right. I said - 'body'. I said - 'massage'. I said - 'lotion'. Right, great, 'lotion'. Ed's gay. He failed the Beth Test. I am officially in shock. I told you. I had my flirt power turned up to max, and - nothing. You were flirting with him? I can't believe you'd do that. You can't mess with Ed's head like that. He's at a very sensitive stage in his development... Hold on. Time out. What's the real deal here? Kate, are you interested in Ed? You are aren't you? Well... Oh my God, Kate Carter in 'Attraction to Ed Stone' shock. Oh my God, Kate Carter in 'Doomed Gay Love' shock! No, I've been thinking about it and I think this could be a really positive new phase in our relationship. Sure. A really positive sleeping-next-door-to-a-man-i-fancyand-dying-of-sexual-frustration phase. Oh please. It's not the end of the world. I mean, he's gay - he's not dead. Right? 15
If we have to watch something, can't we watch something good? What do you mean, 'something good'? This is Buffy. I hate the way they make out that being undead is just weird foreheads and dating. Where's the realism? Hey Ed Hi... er Scotty, meet the grim reaper - he came to harvest my immortal soul, but we've cut a deal. The guy from the kebab shop right? That's right. Look Nige, Scotty's not a problem, but if you re going to be hanging around here we need a cover story for you Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. Mortals can form no memory of me. It's murder trying to get served. Hey, Ed! So Beth wants me to go for a gross-out on her Dad. What? She wants me to prove that she's going out with a quote 'low life'. You see what's happening? Your self respect is hitting dangerously low levels? 16
No - it's the classic commitment-challenge-double-bluff. OK, talk me through it Well - she's asking me to do something outrageous which she doesn't even really want me to do. But I have to do it, to prove that I'll even do things she doesn't want me to do, as a sign of my commitment. Get it? I get it. You've abandoned all rational thought. Hey - who's this? Oh, just the angel of death, come to watch a weekend of low-rent TV and eat a lot of popcorn. Hi. Kev's mate from the bookies, yeah? You got it. Ed? Hi - Kate... listen, I was just listening to Scotty moaning on and on about Beth down there. Sad case eh? Oh yeah. But it got me thinking - about last night. I just thought you should know - uh - this is kind of difficult - I guess I should just come out and say it. I've been having a lot of new, feelings lately and 17
It's OK Ed. I know. There's no need to explain. Our relationship has just moved on to a different level now. It has? Sure, and we can still be great friends. But now it's not a big deal if I'm, like, getting undressed and you pop in. It isn't? Of course not - in fact, now you can be the sort of friend who helps me to pick out outfits yeah? And, like, tells me if my underwear is giving me the right support. Ed! Wasn't that hot? Urgh? Hot? Yeah quite hot. You're losing it mate. You've seen this one like ten times already. What are you doing? They're about to find out that Josh isn't really a demon, he's just wearing make-up! They're all just wearing make-up! Don't say that! Something's wrong here Nige. You're an opera, ballet and really strong cheese kind of guy. You don't need this junk Buffy is not junk! It's witty and imaginative popular culture. Come on, please! 18
Face it, Nigel - you're addicted! You need to go cold turkey. Oh, please. Get a room. Beth, hi! Allow me to introduce, Nigel. Hello. Nigel's my... friend. Of course. Your 'friend'. Yeah, that's right, my friend. Well, sorry to interrupt maybe next time you could put a notice on the door? No, it's cool, we're just watching Oh, wicked, Spartacus. I love gladiator movies. Of course you do. BRUNO So, Scotty. How many more are we going to watch? Three down, seventeen to go. Bond Weekend. It's Double-O-Heaven. OK! Let's get greased up for the pork fest! Here you go. We're doing the Big Four. BRUNO 'The Big Four'? Four savaloys in four minutes for no reason. 19
BRUNO What's in a savaloy? Well that's the big question isn't it? I got a taste for it in prison. And it's perfect for when you're rushing around organising anti-capitalist riots.. BRUNO What but yesterday... you were saying - you know, an entrepreneur - thinking two moves ahead - The Guitrumpet. Oh yeah. Well I'd say anything to try to get in with you Bruno. I mean Beth's the kind of filthy rich dirtbag freak I've always been searching for BRUNO You what? Plus, I hope I'm not speaking out of line when I say that your daughter is one red-hot slice of peachy-smooth a... I don't know man. It's like torture. Now the candle's lit - but I can't do anything about it. Have you considered telling her? Oh yeah, great one, Ad. That would be good. 'You want to go for dinner baby- oh and by the way, I'll skip the food, cos I'm dead. Plus no loving after, cos I'm dead - plus no future ever, cos I'm dead. Ed - can I just mention that you sound a bit pathetic right now. I mean - come on - take a step back here, what's gone wrong exactly? You've found someone you really really like? Oh dear - big tragedy. Some people never find that. So relax. Okay? 20
Ed? Morning Kate - sorry I was... just up, and I was looking at Haven't you been to bed? No - I have, I just er... It's OK - you don't have to lie. I know you've been out all night. Yeah! That's right. I've been out all night. No need to tell me where. I'm sure I can guess. You can? Yeah - you know - the scene. The whole scene. I know what it's like. On the scene. Must be pretty wild. I actually have no idea what you're talking about here Kate...? Adam's told me everything. I understand. Adam told you? I can't believe it! There's no need to be angry. It's perfectly natural. Natural? Kate, it ain't natural 21
Ed you've obviously got hold of some wrong ideas from somewhere. It's really not an issue.... You mean you don't mind, you don't think it's weird? Of course not. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay. In fact, to be honest, I think I prefer the gay Ed Stone. The gay Ed Stone? There is no gay Ed Stone! Oh come on Ed, say it loud - you're gay and you're proud! No - heh heh - look - I'm not ashamed of being gay. Being gay is great, if you're gay. I'm just not. Look, Ed, I've had a bit of training and I recognise denial when I see it. All right, that's it! How gay was that? But I I mean wow. This is - so - unexpected. Yeah - well. Wow. I don't know what to say. Uh - what do you want to do? I mean - that was fun... That was definitely fun. So - do you think maybe we should you know think about...? 22
No, no, I really...we can't. Yeah, yeah, you're right, I don't want to take things further either. I mean, we could. But we probably shouldn't. Of course. Don't you think? Oh yeah, it's probably just one of those weird things that happens sometimes. Between mates. Exactly. It's the kind of thing mates do. Sometimes. So, cheers, mate! Yep, okay mate. Bye mate! Yeah, well, I'm not surprised you feel like you never knew the real me. And remember to give the finger to 'Dan Johnson'. Goodbye. So, he really hates me, yeah? And so -we're going out for real, yeah? That's the deal. Oh my God! This is great! This is just great! I can't believe this is happening! So shall we, ahem, go over to the bed! 23
I don't think so. Okay, let's start with a little kissing? No, no kissing. But... Hey, I'm your girlfriend, that doesn't mean I have to do everything you say. Well, what do I get out of this? I don't know, you can tell people, I guess. Hey Kate, did you hear, I'm going out with Beth. Yeah, sure you are Scotty. John's on the phone, Beth. John? What John. Who's John? What's going on? Scotty, it's an open relationship. Tell him I'll meet him there. I never agreed to this! Well now's your chance. No. No other guys, I can't handle this. It's over Beth. It's finished. Okey-dokey. 24
It's over Ed. I just finished with Beth. Yeah right. Sure you did Scotty. Born under a bad sign I been down since I began to crawl Born under a bad sign If I didn't have bad luck, wouldn't have no luck at all Words To bond with someone To stalk someone Bloke Banter Scalding coffee Frogman Matter transmogrification Delusion Feisty Humiliating att förenas, skapa en relation med någon att förfölja någon kille skämt skållhett kaffe grodman, dykare omvandling av materia inbillning, villfarelse här: lättretlig, aggressiv förödmjukande 25
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