Target Lady SNL Skit
Cast of Characters Target Lady: Peg: Customer #1: Not very bright, but overly friendly to customers; talks in a very funny voice. Wears a red apron. Old woman, regular customer at Target and friend to Target Lady. Wears a neck brace and old woman clothes. Female. Annoyed with Target Lady. Wears everyday clothes. Customer #2: Customer #3: Female. Also annoyed with Target lady. Wears everyday clothes. Male. Knows Target Lady and her reputation. Wears everyday clothes.
ACT I Scene 1 Inside Target Shopping Center, checkout is located Right Center. Welcome to Target! Lets see...(passing the items over the scanner) Yard gloves...tomato seeds...fertilizer...[excitedly] Hey, Pat Sajack, I ll solve the puzzle! Gardening! [Customer #1 stares at her perplexedly.] It s gonna be $42.11. Here you go. [Hands her a bill.] [Excited] A Fifty!!! [Marks it with a highlighter to test it] And it s legit!!! I get to put this under the tray! [Places it in her cashier tray.] I m sorry; I m in a hurry... Hey, uh...you know what fertilizer is, right? Excuse me? [Confused and annoyed.] It s part dirt and part feces. It s my job to let you know what you re buying, I just thought I should let you know, you re buying a big bag of feces....thanks? Someone left a bag of feces on my doorstep once. It was Halloween and they rang the bell but when I got there they were gone but they left their feces bag! They must have forgotten it! I put it in my garden but it didn t help any of my plants, I think because [whispers to customer] I think it came from a person. [Customer looks disgusted] I m sure this will work because this manure came from a chicken!!! runs off STAGE LEFT to exit. (CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 2. Wow! I haven t seen anything move this fast since I went to an illegal mouse race! [Pondering on the thought.] That was a weird, weird night. [, an elderly woman in a pink bathrobe and a neck brace enters clutching her purse and a can of coconut juice.] Hey, girlfriend! Heyyyyy girrrrl! Soooo, I strained my neck [rubs neck brace.] How d you do that, Girlfriend? I was pushin a wash machine up a hill when my fashion sandal got caught on a decorative yard prick! Is that just not [drags out phrase] classic Peg? [ giggles to herself silently, shoulders shaking from the laughter. She will do this every time she says the words Classic Peg ] Just Classic Peg! So then I tripped and tried to brace myself on the washer lid but I ended up breaking it off and fallin inside! I rolled all the way down the hill inside of it. I mean I was holdin on to the cup that holds the softener and my legs were clinched around the agitator pole, can you believe it? Is that not just [drags phrase again] classic Peg? So Classic! So the next thing I know, I m peerin my head out of the machine, it s eight in the morning and I m behind the Dunky Donuts by the private airport. Claaaaaasic Peg! (CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 3. So, what brings you to Target, Miss Thang? [snaps as she says it.] Two words: Potato sticks and Carl Earl. I got a date tonight. Yowsa! Well, you know how I roll [Attempts to roll her head sideways hip-hop style.] I just - ow. [Touches her neck brace gingerly.] I ll be right back. [ exits. enters with a basket.] Hi, can I pay for these? [ returns, out of breath.] I forgot my coconut water, just classic Peg! [Looks uncomfortably at the customer and leaves again.] [Rings up items] Sunscreen...nose plugs...i wear nose plugs around the house when my neighbor cooks broccoli! [Picks up a package of children s arm floaties] What s this? Arm floaties? Yeah, you blow them up with air, they re for my son to help him swim. [The Target Lady suddenly leaves in the middle of her sentence.] Hey, where are you going? [CUSTOMER #3 enters with random items in arms.] CUSTOMER #3 Excuse me, is this register open? Yeah, I guess, but the lady just took off. CUSTOMER #3 Tell me, does she sound like her voice box is covered in eggs with a side dose of [shudders] awful? [first confused, then gets it] Ye-yeah! That s her. (CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 4. CUSTOMER #3 Yep, I thought so. I m out! [runs off STAGE LEFT.] [ enters again with floaties STAGE RIGHT.] I found em! I m gonna blow these up and put em on my antique bean cans and fill em with pencils so I can write thank-you notes in the tub! [Customer stare at her for a moment, confused, and then silently leaves to use another register. enters STAGE RIGHT.] Peg! You re back! You are never gonna believe what just happened to me, girl. I was checkin my mascara in one of the fish tanks when all of a sudden I felt this tiny pinch on the edge of my panty band. I looked around, pushed my slacks down to my ankles and saw somethin crawlin on me. It was a Black Widow Spider! Those are poisonous! I know! So I flicked it on the ground and get this, it was a half-flattened licorice jelly bean. So there I was, laughin with my comfort slacks around my ankles at the fish tanks at Target! Classic Peg! Then guess who runs into me? My Preacher from church! And guess what he said? [Excitedly] That Heaven has a Target?! [Confused] No...he didn t say that. [Laughs silently, sholders shaking.] Classic Peg! Classic Peg to the Max!