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Also by James Patterson I Funny series I Funny (with Chris Grabenstein) I Even Funnier (with Chris Grabenstein) Middle School series Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life (with Chris Tebbetts) Middle School: Get Me Out of Here! (with Chris Tebbetts) Middle School: My Brother Is a Big, Fat Liar (with Lisa Papademetriou) Middle School: How I Survived Bullies, Broccoli, and Snake Hill (with Chris Tebbetts) Middle School: Ultimate Showdown (with Julia Bergen) Middle School: Save Rafe! (with Chris Tebbetts) Treasure Hunters series Treasure Hunters (with Chris Grabenstein) Treasure Hunters: Danger Down the Nile (with Chris Grabenstein) House of Robots series House of Robots (with Chris Grabenstein) Daniel X series The Dangerous Days of Daniel X (with Michael Ledwidge) Watch the Skies (with Ned Rust) Demons and Druids (with Adam Sadler) Game Over (with Ned Rust) Armageddon (with Chris Grabenstein) For more information about James Patterson s novels, visit: www.jamespatterson.co.uk Or become a fan on Facebook ITotallyFunnie_HCtextF1.indd ii 10/24/14 2:27:00 AM

ILLUSTRATED BY LAURA PARK ITotallyFunnie_HCtextF1.indd iii 10/24/14 2:27:00 AM

Published by Young Arrow, 2015 1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2 Copyright James Patterson, 2015 Illustrations by Laura Park Excerpt from House of Robots copyright James Patterson, 2014 Illustrations in excerpt from House of Robots by Juliana Neufeld Middle School is a trademark of JBP Business, LLC James Patterson has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work This novel is a work of fiction. Names and characters are the product of the author s imagination and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition, including this condition, being imposed on the subsequent purchaser First published in Great Britain in 2015 by Young Arrow Random House, 20 Vauxhall Bridge Road, London SW1V 2SA www.randomhouse.co.uk Addresses for companies within The Random House Group Limited can be found at: www.randomhouse.co.uk/offices.htm The Random House Group Limited Reg. No. 954009 A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library Hardback ISBN 9780099596288 Trade paperback ISBN 9780099596295 The Random House Group Limited supports the Forest Stewardship Council (FSC ), the leading international forest-certification organisation. Our books carrying the FSC label are printed on FSC -certified paper. FSC is the only forest-certification scheme supported by the leading environmental organisations, including Greenpeace. Our paper procurement policy can be found at: www.randomhouse.co.uk/environment Printed and bound in Great Britain by Clays Ltd, St Ives Plc ITotallyFunnie_HCtextF1.indd iv 10/24/14 2:27:00 AM

For Serena Wetmore, Jamie s biggest fan JP ITotallyFunnie_HCtextF1.indd v 10/24/14 2:27:00 AM

ITotallyFunnie_HCtextF1.indd vi 10/24/14 2:27:00 AM

PART ONE Finally, the Finals! ITotallyFunnie_HCtextF1.indd vii 10/24/14 2:27:00 AM

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t e p r a 1 h C START THE COUNTDOWN CLOCK H i! I m Jamie Grimm, and it s great to be back in front of an audience. This way, when I die in three days, at least I won t be alone. ITotallyFunnie_HCtextF1.indd 1 10/24/14 2:27:00 AM

Let me explain. I ve won a few rounds in something called the Planet s Funniest Kid Comic Contest the local, state, regional, and semifinal competitions. Now, in three days, I ll be in THE FINALS out in Hollywood. I m trying my best not to freak out. Unfortunately, everybody keeps reminding me of my impending doom. My friends at school. ITotallyFunnie_HCtextF1.indd 2 10/24/14 2:27:00 AM

The cafeteria lady. Teachers, strangers even the billboards in Times Square! ITotallyFunnie_HCtextF1.indd 3 10/24/14 2:27:00 AM

My whole life has become this wild NCAA tournament of comedy. I ve made it past the Sweet Sixteen all the way to the Elite Eight, where I m hoping for a shot at the Final Four. Oh, in case you haven t heard, that shot comes in THREE DAYS. But don t worry even if you don t live in the Los Angeles area, you can watch me die. Live. On cable TV s YUX channel. By the way, dying onstage is what comedians call it when they flop, tank, or bomb so badly they re blasted with boos and pelted with weekold produce. It s what I ll probably be doing in, oh, maybe THREE DAYS! So cue the Olympic fanfare music. It all comes down to this, like they say on ESPN. It s now or never. Do or die. This is for all the marbles, even though nobody actually plays marbles anymore. In three days, there will be no tomorrow, so who cares about the four-day forecast? Yep. This comedy gig is about to get superserious. And, like I said, for this final Hollywood round, there are only eight of us still standing. Actually, the seven other kids will be doing all 4 ITotallyFunnie_HCtextF1.indd 4 10/24/14 2:27:00 AM

the standing. Me? Not so much. In case you haven t noticed, I m a stand-up comedian who doesn t exactly fit the job description. 5 ITotallyFunnie_HCtextF1.indd 5 10/24/14 2:27:00 AM

Chapter 2 SMILEYVILLE: THE TOWN WITH THE FROWN Meet the Smileys. That s what I call my aunt, uncle, and cousins. I ve been living with them in Long Beach, a suburb of New York City, ever since I left the rehab hospital I went to after the horrible car accident. The crash where I lost my parents and sister, not to mention the use of my legs, feet, and toes. See how excited the Smileys are about the big comedy contest coming in three days? Believe me, for them, this is excited. Be sure you pack an extra pair of clean underwear for Hollywood, says Mrs. Smiley. And a toothbrush, adds Mr. Smiley. But don t ITotallyFunnie_HCtextF1.indd 6 10/24/14 2:27:00 AM

roll it up in your extra pair of underwear. I did that once and regretted my decision later. Have you noticed that the Smileys don t smile very much? That s why I call them that. Even their dog, Ol Smiler, is gloomy. The last time he wagged his tail, it was to swat a fly. I roll out of my bedroom in the Smileys garage (it s where they park all the stuff with wheels lawn mower, wheelbarrow, snowblower, me) and head off to school. Since it s pretty early in the morning, the sidewalks are full of dogs walking their people. 7 ITotallyFunnie_HCtextF1.indd 7 10/24/14 2:27:00 AM

Oh, sure you might think the people are walking the dogs, but that s not the way I see it. Come on, if two creatures are walking side by side and one is picking up the other s poop, who do you think is in charge? The leash? That s how dogs make sure their humans don t wander away. I m actually thinking about getting some dogs. Alaskan Malamutes. Six of em. They make such excellent sled dogs, I figure I could get to school a whole lot faster if I hooked up a sled team and yelled, Mush! Of course, with six dogs I d probably need to carry a jumbo-sized pooper scooper. A couple of the dogs give me a sniff when I roll by, but most of the people are so well trained, they don t even notice me. I m sort of the Invisible Kid on the streets of Long Beach, where no one seems to be all that excited about the big comedy contest on cable TV in less than THREE DAYS! But at school, things are different. Way different. 8 ITotallyFunnie_HCtextF1.indd 8 10/24/14 2:27:00 AM

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