p. 1-3 Lil Red & the 3 Pigs p. 4-6 Robin Hood p. 7-10 Alice in Wonderland ZARED MONOLOGUE ZARED: Yo, yo, everyone! My name is Zared Zared Wolf. I m just getting back from a vacation in Switzerland. The Alps are quite something, you know? I did a little skiing, a little snowboarding. Nice time. I had to leave in a rush, though. This girl named Heidi kept yelling wolf and the people were all running to see, but she kept lying about it. So I went to go have a chat with her. Let her know that wolves are often misrepresented in society today. But she saw me, and yelled wolf again. But this time no one came running to see. So she got all wiggy and freaked out and ran away. Dude. Silly girl. And then I got kind of stoked cuz I heard they were all looking for me, but one of my buddies said, Dude, it's not a good thing they re looking for you. So I high-tailed it out of there. I guess Switzerland isn t so neutral to wolves. ZARED, COUSIN WANDA ZARED: Granny s Cookies. Yum. Sounds delicious! WANDA: Yeah, I could eat them both. ZARED: Ah, dude. I was talking about the cookies! I haven t had a homemade cookie in such a long time. Besides, when you talk like that, it perpetuates the stereotype that wolves are bad and just eat people. Some of us are trying to get society past that. WANDA: Sorry. I haven t been able to attend to my HA meetings in a while. ZARED: Human Anonymous is very important to keep attending if we re going to cause some changes. I must admit, they tempted me at first. But we must not give in to temptation! WANDA: What about temptation for the cookies? I m really hungry. Maybe we just borrow some cookies? ZARED: Are you talking about stealing? Because that s wrong, cuz. WANDA: Isn t it also wrong to let misunderstood wolves go hungry? 1
ZARED, GRANNY, RUBY ZARED: Hey Grams! Where you going? We almost had a wipeout! GRANNY: You need some whiteout? I don t carry that stuff with me. Back in my day, we didn t have pencils with erasers, or erasable pens, or whiteout. If we made a mistake, we had to start all over. And we liked it. ZARED: Grams, you got some funky hearing going on! Grams, do you have far to walk? (to aud.) But she sure looks tasty. So GRANNY: Walking far? Well of course I can walk far. Back in my day, I walked six miles to school, Uphill both ways. In the snow. ZARED: You lived where there was snow year around? GRANNY: Don t sass me, sonny! I can remember like it was yesterday. Now what am I doing here and where am I going? ZARED: (licking his lips) Oh, you re not going to be going anywhere. I m going to RUBY: (enters with a flip) Granny! Ready, okay. Give me a G. Give me an R. Give me an A. Give me an N. Give me another N. Give me a Y. What s that spell? G-R-A-N-N-Y! Go Granny, go granny! (does a little dance with it) GRANNY: Is that you, Ruby? All I can see is a blob of red. RUBY: Well, of course! My nickname isn t Little Red for nothing. It's my favorite color. ZARED: Well, isn t this a sight for an empty stomach? RUBY: An empty stomach? Then you need to come to the school bake sale! Ready, okay? We ve got a bake sale Don t drag your tail Bring a basket or pail Food enough for a whale. GRANNY: There s a whale? I didn t think we were near an ocean. RUBY: Oh, Granny. You are too funny. (cheerleader kicks, jumps, etc) I ve got spirit, yes, I do! I ve got spirit, how bout you? GRANNY: I ve got a pinched nerve, how about you? 2
PAMILLA, PRUE, PAISLEE PRUDENCE: Girls, this is really getting us nowhere. Can we at least agree this is a good location to build? PAISLEE AND PAMILLA: Yes! PRUE: Then Three P s Construction has its first official job site! PAMILLA: I ll take care of getting the permits and licenses all finalized. PAISLEE: I can t wait to begin to decorate! PRUE: Now, we want to provide solid, sturdy homes that will last for years to come. PAISLEE: But we must be kind to the environment. We must be one with nature. I would like the houses to have an earthy quality, so I was thinking of straw. The mud would help hold it together. So warm and cozy. It would be just like days back on the farm. PAMILLA: Straw? How ridiculous! It will stink like the farm did too! We need a strong, sturdy wood house. PAISLEE: Wood?! You would cut down trees? I m offended to my very core! PAMILLA: Oh, calm down Paislee. I was thinking of sticks. Wood that is already harvested. PAISLEE: Oh, well, I suppose. PRUE: You both have good ideas, but wouldn t it be wise to have something even more sturdy? I d like to suggest bricks. We can make them from mud and bake them in the sun, so its environmentally friendly, but structurally more sound. PAISLEE: Sounds like a LOT more work to me! PAMILLA: My idea is the best. PAISLEE: Mine is! PAMILLA: Mine is! PAISLEE: Mine is! PAMILLA: Mine is! PRUE: Sisters!! Enough! 3
SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM, PIERRE-LOUIS SHERIFF: And then he said, (mocking as he mimics) I look forward to your change of heart! Pierre-Louis, I shall have my revenge! (punches his hand into the other) PIERRE-LOUIS: (mimicking Sheriff s gesture) Oui! (winces in pain) Revenge! SHERIFF: (pacing) Before the week is out that outlaw Robin Hood will have a change of heart and beg for his life when he hangs from the tallest tree in England! PIERRE-LOUIS: (looks up gleefully as if he can picture it) Oui! The tallest tree! SHERIFF: (pacing) But how to do it? PIERRE-LOUIS: (follows mimicking each movement by Sheriff) How to do it? SHERIFF: How to capture that scoundrel? PIERRE-LOUIS: How to capture? SHERIFF: (turns to Pierre-Louis) Don t you have any ideas? PIERRE-LOUIS: (quizzically) I don t know. SHERIFF: Think, my good man, think! PIERRE-LOUIS: Maybe we could capture him in the forest! SHERIFF: (exasperated) And when has THAT worked? MAID MARIAN, FELICITY, SHERIFF SHERIFF: I DID see Robin Hood today, unfortunately. (acts the following story out) I was riding through Sherwood Forest when my men and I were suddenly attacked by that gang of outlaws. There must have over a hundred thugs seeking to steal the money that we were bringing to a village as a gift for their hard work this year. Although we were vastly outnumbered, it was a fierce battle. After a great deal of trouble and... a lot of luck... they disarmed me and my men. MAID MARIAN: And you weren t afraid?! SHERIFF: Of course not, my dear Maid Marian! (kisses her hand) MAID MARIAN: I heard that Robin Hood is one of the finest archers in all of England! FELICITY: And that he skins a deer in less than a minute! MAID MARIAN: (to Felicity) And is completely handsome! SHERIFF: Enough! This talk is disloyal! MAID MARIAN: I am completely loyal to his majesty, King Richard! 4
FELICITY: (to Sheriff) I am curious--how did you escape from those FIVE men who pinned you down to the ground? SHERIFF: Oh...well, I... I don t want to tell everyone all my fighting secrets... but let s just say that Robin Hood and his cowardly men ran into the forest to hide. MAID MARIAN: But I thought that he never troubles an honest laborer or a noble knight. FELICITY: I thought he only robbed corrupt officials and tax collectors. SHERIFF: Enough! Robin Hood is not worth talking about. (Ladies humpf) ROBIN HOOD, MAID MARIAN Maid Marian, covered in cape and hood, enters, crosses to Robin Hood s dungeon cell. MAID MARIAN: (stage whisper) Robin? ROBIN HOOD: Marian! MAID MARIAN: Sssshhh! ROBIN HOOD: (stage whisper) Is that really you? MAID MARIAN: (sarcastically) No, it s the Sheriff s sister! (puts hood down) I m going to rescue you! ROBIN HOOD: Pray tell, with what? MAID MARIAN: With a key. ROBIN HOOD: (astonished) A key?! (laughs) MAID MARIAN: Yay, a key! (gets key from her pocket and shows it to him flirtingly) Do not laugh at me or you will be swinging in the breeze tomorrow. ROBIN HOOD: My dear, I am sorry. It s just that -- each day you surprise. Like your ability to track through a forest to find me, managing to get a key to free me, sneak past all the guards How did I get along without you? MAID MARIAN: (unlocking the door) Although I deeply appreciate your compliments (smiles), we must get going. ROBIN HOOD, LITTLE JOHN, WILL SCARLETT ROBIN HOOD: Little John! Will! Look what I found nailed to a tree just outside of the forest! (holds the sign up in front of him) The Greatest Archery Tournament in the Kingdom (clears throat) All those who claim to have skill with the bow and arrow are invited to compete in a grand tournament to be held at the castle of Nottingham. The most accomplished archers from every corner of England will be present. The winner will be proclaimed the finest archer in the kingdom... Did you hear that?! The finest archer IN THE KINGDOM! 5
LITTLE JOHN: Sounds a bit suspicious to me, Robin. WILL SCARLETT: Me, too. What s the catch? ROBIN HOOD: Let me finish. (smiles from ear to ear) The prize is a golden arrow with a silver shaft to be presented to the champion by the fair and beautiful Lady Marian. WILL SCARLETT/LITTLE JOHN: (with knowing nods of their heads) Oh... LITTLE JOHN: (crossing to him, snapping him out of his happy daze) Robin, you know that this is a trick, now, don t ya? I see the work of the Sheriff all over this contest. WILL SCARLETT: Once you set foot inside the castle, you will be his prisoner. ROBIN HOOD: (irritated ) I shall go in disguise! LITTLE JOHN: They would be anticipatin that, of course. ROBIN HOOD: I ve been successful before. LITTLE JOHN: You had the element of surprise on your side. He is waiting for you on this one. ROBIN HOOD: What is life without a few risks? Besides, how could I pass up being the finest archer in the kingdom? WILL SCARLETT: You are the finest archer already. You don t need to prove that to anybody. LITTLE JOHN: You re not thinkin straight. ROBIN HOOD: I am thinking straight and this is what I must do. LITTLE JOHN: Robin, listen to me, love is blindin you. Your judgement is -- ROBIN HOOD: (surprised but not defensive) Love, you say? And who am I in love with? WILL SCARLETT: The Maid Marian. (Robin Hood blushes and smiles) LITTLE JOHN: What sane person would want to be handed a silly arrow in front of a crowd of people if it meant his life? WILL SCARLETT: The Sheriff will have all his guards there -- even with a disguise, your skill will lead them right to you. ROBIN HOOD: (not defensive, just happily blind) So I am in love. What does that matter? LITTLE JOHN: It matters because you could die? WILL SCARLETT: Is the tournament and seeing the Lady Marian again-- are they worth dying for? ROBIN HOOD: (thoughtful) No one is going to die, my friends. My mind is made up. The finest archer is going to win the finest prize given by the finest woman in all of the kingdom. 6
CC the CAT CC: (enters stage right thrust, plays about the ropes and swing which are there. When she stands up on the swing she sees the audience for the first time and is surprised but unruffled at their presence) Oh! Well, halloo there! I did not realize you all would be here so soon. That means it's time to begin. Have any of you ever heard of Wonderland? (audience response) Really? Well, let me tell you, it really is a wonderful place, this Wonderland. My master Alice loves to go to Wonderland...(crouches low, then mysteriously says...) in her dreams. (gets idea) Say, would you like to go there, to Wonderland? (audience response) Well then, if you be going, then you can't be afraid to use your imagination. Alice's dreams are in her head so if you want to go Wonderland then you've got to dream too! Imagination is all it takes! WHITE RABBIT, ALICE RABBIT: One must always look splendid for the Queen or one must look your very worst for the Queen for she simply won't tolerate anything in between. ALICE: (Bumping noises are heard offstage and ALICE rolls onto the stage) Ah my goodness! (gets up dusting herself off) lt was the strangest thing. I felt like I was falling up instead of down, but that would be impossible. (sees WHITE RABBIT) There's the white rabbit. (crosses to him and taps him on the shoulder) Hello, white rabbit, can you tell where I am? RABBIT: (says line to CATERPILLAR) Hello? Who's saying hello? I don't like anyone saying hello to me when I'm in a hurry. ALICE: (follows RABBIT and taps him on shoulder again) lt's only me, Alice. I just wanted to talk with you. RABBIT: (faces her) lmpossible! Some other time! I'm in a rush, in a hurry, in a later! (turns away) Oh my ears and whiskers -- ALICE: (interrupting impertinently) But I only wanted to ask -- RABBIT: (faces her) Can't ask, then I'll have to answer! (crosses to stairs right) Goodbye, goodbye. Meet me at the Queen's if you must, if you dare! (crosses to exit) I must be on my way now. lt's important. No time to tarry! Can t be late for my important date! ALICE: I didn't know that rabbits could be in such a hurry. (speculatively) I wonder if he's involved in the government? ALICE MEETS CATERPILLAR AND DODO BIRD CATERPILLAR: You must not dawdle, the tea party is waiting. ALICE: (excited) A tea party?! (to CATERPILLAR) Will the White Rabbit be there? CATERPILLAR: To find that out, one must go and see. DODO: Impossible! We haven't had our caucus race yet. CATERPILLAR: Ah, so ignorance will be represented after all. Or rather -- misrepresented. (moves slowly to mushroom and climbs up) DODO: You have no right to lalk tike that (shakes head) I mean, talk like that. 7
ALICE: Who are you? DODO: (Advances on Alice, causing her to back up 1-2-3 steps) Who are you? Who are you? ALICE: I am Alice -- CATERPILLAR: Ah! So she remembers who she is! DODO: We need to have some more dacers (shakes head) I mean racers. CATERPILLAR: Count me out. I do not wish to be around this creature any longer. ALICE: Who is she? CATERPILLAR: (with repulsion) THAT - That is a Dodo Bird. (to Alice) Perhaps we will meet again, Alice. Until then, remember, you belong where you go and you go where you belong. You find what you seek and you seek what you find -- DODO: But not always in thin at order (shakes head) I mean, in that order. CATERPILLAR: Ummph! DODO: Perhaps I should come in again as if I'd cust jome, er (shakes head) just come. ALICE: I'm confused. DODO: (pleased) You're confused? Really? Ferpect! (shakes head) Perfect! Nothing better for a caucus race than confusion. (looks into ALICE's face) I'm a dodo bird. Dodo birds are extinct... but I'm sot (shakes head) I'm not instinct. (shakes head) Not extinct. (crosses away) Are you ready to race? ALICE: Where is the racing path? DODO: (crosses to her, then lifts her foot up) Why under your feet, naturally. Who ever heard of running a race where the path wasn't under your feet? (laughs) ALICE: Where do we run to? DODO: Where do you run to? (like "duh") Why to where you are! You pun in race (shakes head) run in place. Like this. (demonstrates) And the one who gets there first is also the one gets there last. So we all win and we all lose. It's absolutely fair. And fun! TEA PARTY SCENE ALICE: (enters and sees the tea party and smiles, becoming excited) This must be the tea party. (steps closer to the threesome) Hello, there. HATTER: There's no room! HARE: There's no room! DORMOUSE: (halfway opens eyes) There's no (yawns) room. 8
ALICE: (offended) But there's plenty of room. I'll sit in this chair you are not using. (she sits at end) HATTER: Well, then, have some tea. (Hatter leans across table to pour the tea but nothing cornes out into her cup) ALICE: But I don't see any tea. HATTER: There isn't any. HARE: There isn't any. ALICE: Then it wasn't very polite of you to offer me some tea. HATTER: It wasn't very polite of you to sit down without being invited. HARE: It wasn't polite. DORMOUSE: (raises head) Not polite at all. (yawns and puts head down in a different position) ALICE: (Hesitantly stands, but keeps hand on chair) But the Caterpillar and Dodo Bird told me to stop by and you had these extra chairs. HARE: Those are for the people who aren't here. ALICE: When are they coming? HARE: Who? ALICE: Why... the people who aren't here. HATTER: They're not coming, you see. That's why they're not here. ALICE: Well, then, why don't you let me sit here temporarily? (the three stop moving and look at her strangely) Just until the people who are not here...don't come. (smiles, pleased with her logic) HATTER: What do you say, March Hare? HARE: March Hare. HATTER: And you Dormouse? DORMOUSE: (eyes open halfway) Temporarily. (eyes shut) HATTER: All right, you may have a BRIEF visit, until the people who won't come don't come. (Alice sits as he looks at watch) What day of the month is it? ALICE: The fifth. HATTER: Oh my, two days wrong. (crosses to ALICE) The March Hare told me that butter wouldn't make it run faster (suddenly sad) and I used the very best butter, too. (puts out hankie and sobs violently and just as suddenly stops) Perhaps the Dormouse would like to light the candle. 9
HARE: The Dormouse is sleepy, perhaps we should pour some tea on him. ALICE: But there's no tea in the pot. HATTER: Ah yes! Just what I was going to say myself! (Stands on table to recite) Twinkle, twinkle, little bat, How I wonder what you're at. Up above the world you fly, like a tea tray in the sky. DORMOUSE: (with great effort to wake up) Twinkle (yawns) twinkle... ALICE: This is a very strange party. HATTER: Strange, you say? TRIAL SCENE QUEEN: What do you know about this business? ALICE: What business? QUEEN: You heard me! No questions, only answers! Now what do you know? ALICE: Nothing. QUEEN: Absolutely nothing?! ALICE: Absolutely nothing. QUEEN: (loudly) Liar! ALICE: But why? QUEEN: (shouts) NO QUESTIONS, ONLY ANSWERS! (calms herself) You know a great deal, don't you? A very great deal. When did you first enter into the conspiracy? ALICE: (almost shouts/cries) But I'm not ln any conspiracy! QUEEN: This witness is IMPOSSIBLE! ALICE: But I'm NOT impossible, and I DON'T know anything about any conspiracy, and I DON'T know why I've been called to testify and I DON'T know what I'm supposed to say! QUEEN: (crosses to ALICE) lgnorant AND untrustworthy. (really close to ALICE's face) Have you ever seen the Knave of Hearts? ALICE: No. QUEEN: (circles around ALICE) Do you know what he looks like? ALICE: No. QUEEN: (delighted) Ha! Then how do you know you've never seen him?!! 10